Emotional Baggage: What It Is, Types, Causes, 27 Signs & Steps to Put It Down

Everyone has a past, but some people hold on to theirs more than others. If someone you know carries too much emotional baggage, here’s how you can help.

Undoubtedly, there are some of us with more emotional baggage than others. Like those who pack too much for vacation, if someone you love has overflowing bags, it is possible to help them lose their emotional load and be free.

But be careful, you could end up shouldering what they can’t possibly handle. To make sure that you help someone you love let go of their emotional baggage without you becoming burdened yourself, read on. [Read: Intimacy issues – what it looks like, 39 signs, causes, and tips to date with it]

What is emotional baggage?

Well, if we had to put it elegantly, emotional baggage is a shitbag of all the things in our past that hurt or damaged our psyche in some way.

An inevitable part of life, we all pick up emotional baggage as we make our way through our own journeys. When we fall out with friends, break up with our first loves, experience failure, and lose a loved one, we carry part of the hurt and grief of that with us our whole lives.

[Read: How your first love affects your future relationships]

The problem with carrying a heavy load

While we all carry some level of emotional baggage, some people hold on to more than others. But when you carry more than you can handle, you buckle under the weight.

Carrying more emotional baggage than you have room for leads to all kinds of problems. It can affect your self-esteem and sense of self, hold you back from future opportunities or relationships, and it can even lead to some serious mental health problems like depression and anxiety.

Signs someone you know is burdened by their emotional baggage

When someone you love is struggling, whether you know the signs or not, you can tell. But often, having that gut feeling that something isn’t right but not knowing the exact signs to look for can be frustrating and oftentimes cause more problems.

If you think that someone you love is being weighed down by their emotional baggage, here are the signs to look for.

1. Being triggered by certain reminders

It’s funny how the meanings of things can change throughout your life. What used to just be a song that you used to feel indifferent about can become your favorite song in the world because it becomes tied to a happy memory or a special someone.

But if that special someone is no longer in your life, or if that happy memory becomes tainted, then that simple song can become a reminder of something great now gone. [Read: 23 secrets to get over someone you see every day & not lose your mind]

And when you’re overburdened with emotional baggage, reminders like that can trigger feelings of regret, remorse, grief, or depression.

If you notice that the mood of someone close to you becomes worse around certain triggers, like specific songs being played or particular times of the year, they might be struggling with something from their past that they haven’t let go of.

2. Codependency

If you are struggling under the weight of your emotional baggage, you might seek someone to hold on to some of, or all of, that emotional weight. And so, you latch onto people.

But this isn’t healthy in any relationship. When you allow yourself to become codependent on someone, not only do you put your own happiness and internal stability in the hands of someone else but you also suffocate and put too much pressure on the other person, which can ruin the relationship.

If your gut is telling you that your partner is too reliant on you, don’t ignore it. Instead, calmly talk to them about their past to see if there’s a reason for their dependency. [Read: 39 ways to stop being codependent and relying on others to make you happy]

3. Stuck in the past

One of the worst parts of emotional baggage is that it won’t let itself be forgotten. Like a parrot on your shoulder, it will constantly remind you of your ex or old friends. It will make you think of happier times, and how hurt you felt when you lost those.

You’ll know if your loved one is letting their emotional baggage disrupt their life if they’re constantly thinking back to the past rather than focusing on the present or planning for the future. [Read: How to stop ruminating – 18 ways to leave your past and be present]

What can cause emotional baggage?

We’ve gone into a little bit of detail on what can cause emotional baggage, but if you suspect that someone you love is struggling with the weight of the past, it’s useful to learn in-depth what could be causing that. When you know the root cause, it’s easier and quicker to work toward a solution.

So, what are some scenarios that can linger long after they actually transpire?

1. Poor relationships with parents

Our childhoods really are the most influential years of our lives because it’s when we learn the most.

Suppose someone was guided through their childhood by a neglectful, unreliable, or emotionally unavailable parent. In that case, that can teach them harmful or unproductive lessons that follow them throughout the rest of their life.

2. Being a child of divorce

One of the lessons that our parents teach us in our childhoods is that of love. They are the first examples of love that we see. For the first few years of our lives, their love is all we know.

If you watch your parents go through a divorce, at any age, it confuses everything you learned about love. No matter how messy or clean the split is, it can leave you with emotional baggage that follows you into your own adult relationships. [Read: Dealing with divorced parents at your wedding]

3. Experiencing betrayal

Having your trust broken by someone you really loved and cared for can dump a whole load of emotional baggage on your doorstep.

Say, for instance, your ex cheated on you. That’s a level of betrayal that sticks with you for a long time, long after you get over the relationship and your feelings for that person.

Types of emotional baggage

Suitcase, carry-on, overnight bag. Just as there are different types of baggage, there are different types of emotional baggage.

Not everyone’s emotional baggage will be the same, and not everyone’s personal problems will be so easy to categorize. But here is a list of the different types of emotional baggage to give you an idea of what might be troubling someone you love.

1. Guilt from past relationships

If emotional baggage comes from a guilty conscience about a past relationship, that will carry itself into all future relationships.

Say your current partner cheated on their ex. That guilt could manifest itself into your partner driving you away in fear that they’ll also betray you. If they neglected an ex and they haven’t forgiven themself, they might convince themselves that they’re not “good enough” for you. [Read: Once a cheater always a cheater – the truth of their past]

2. Regrets

“I should’ve done this,” “I could’ve done that,” or, “Why did it take me so long to say that?”. We all carry regrets around with us. But if you don’t forgive yourself for the things you did or didn’t do, they will stack on top of you and weigh you down.

You can’t carry regret with you everywhere you go. If someone you know has plenty of regret in your carry-on, they might need reminding of that.

3. Fear

Fear and regret go hand-in-hand. If a new opportunity comes your way, the fear of failure or rejection can stop you from pursuing things out of your comfort shell. And then, years down the line, you look back at that moment and regret not biting the bullet and going for that opportunity.

So if you know that your loved one is holding themselves back out of fear, they might need a push from you to set that fear down.

Not living your life out of fear will only cause regret, which will only add to the growingly insurmountable pile of emotional baggage this person is lugging around. [Read: How to be fearless – 18 ways to set aside fear and live like a champion]

4. Self-criticism

We are our own worst critics and rarely our best cheerleaders. But that’s a pattern we all need to break. If our internal thoughts are only ever negative, why would we push ourselves to be better?

Your loved one may just say they have a self-deprecating sense of humor, but it could be deeper than that. They could really be burdening themselves with negative self-talk because they think they deserve it. [Read: 17 good and bad types of humor and how it affects your relationships with others]

5. PTSD

Other types of emotional baggage are easier to understand as a bystander, like fear and regret. But PTSD is much more complicated.

More than just negative self-talk, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a real anxiety-related mental health disorder. After experiencing an incredibly traumatic event, a person can be essentially haunted by that trauma. What that means is their brain forces them to relive the trauma in spontaneous flashbacks, nightmares, and overall feelings of extreme anxiety.

If you think someone you love is struggling with PTSD, this might not be something that you can help them with alone. Talking therapies and medication could be prescribed to them by a professional to help them deal with their trauma.

Help someone you love drop their emotional baggage

To help them empty their emotional baggage and address their trust issues, show them that they can leave the past in the past. Prove to them that whatever it is they carry, they no longer need it because you got it covered.

Here’s how you can do that:

1. Identify patterns

Maybe your loved one doesn’t even know that they’re struggling under the weight of emotional baggage. Maybe this is how they’ve lived their life for a long time now. If so, they could think that this is normal and something everyone deals with.

You might have to observe them for a while to figure out what patterns show they’re holding on to the past. [Read: How to help someone up when they’re feeling down and depressed]

If you notice what these patterns and triggers are, you can talk to them about their behavior with evidence to back you up, as well as help them to avoid certain triggers and form new, healthier, patterns of behavior.

2. Actions speak louder than words.

For people with a lot of emotional baggage from their past, this is not their first rodeo. There has no doubt been countless people from their formative years who left them, cheated on them, abused them, and left their imprint on their heart. Your words likely mean nothing.

They heard the promises before. If you want to help your significant other, stop telling them who you are and prove it. Actions speak much louder than words.

The more you show that you can be trusted, the more stuff they eliminate from their emotional bag. [Read: 28 cute ways to show affection in a relationship even if it feels awkward]

3. But remember that communication is key

Yes, you should absolutely show up and prove yourself to be someone that this person can depend on while they go through the difficult journey of letting go of their emotional baggage. But, you still need to make communication a priority.

How are you meant to help each other if you don’t know what the other person is thinking? While you support them in whatever way they need, you also need to frequently check in with how they’re feeling. And also communicate how you’re feeling if any problems arise.

Healthy communication will help to speed up their recovery process and maintain a strong relationship. [Read: 43 secrets to communicate better in a relationship and ways to fix a lack of it ]

4. Be honest with each other

That is really the best way to communicate. If you’re both honest, you can come to some great solutions. [Read: 25 honest, self-reflection questions to recognize the real you inside]

That means your loved one has to be honest with you about their past, how it affects them today, and why they haven’t let go. At the same time, you need to be honest about why you’re concerned and how their behavior affects you.

In the worst-case scenario, you also will need to be honest enough with each other to end the relationship. Whether that’s because they can’t move on from something in their past or because you can’t help them set down their emotional baggage and look to the future.

5. Look past the overreaction

People carrying a large amount of emotional baggage overreact because they simply can’t take any more. If you want to help alter their perception of reality, give them a pass when they flip the hell out. We know, you shouldn’t “have” to put up with it, and you don’t.

But, if you want to prove to them that you are there through thick and thin, look past their overreactions and see the person you love underneath.

If you give them a pass instead of punishing them for their actions, they will slowly learn there are more productive ways to deal with their emotional triggers than lashing out and hurting those closest to them. [Read: 103 heartfelt signs to know if you love someone or are falling in love]

6. Be supportive

People with a vast amount of emotional baggage are used to being ignored and screwed over. Be the exception by being a true, honest, and supportive mate or friend.

And if you don’t do what all the other people in their lives have done, their experience with you will start to override their past experiences. [Read: 17 signs of a supportive partner who encourages you and your goals]

7. Be patient and understanding

Being supportive is great. But after a while, it can feel exhausting to be by the side of someone who, to you, might look like they’re not making progress.

But every day that they commit to letting go of their emotional baggage is another day when progress has been made.

This journey will be long and it will be hard on both of you. So, remember to remain patient and understanding. [Read: How to be patient in a new relationship and avoid risking a new love]

8. Put yourself in their shoes

This will help you more than them, but it’s a vital step. You can’t help someone let go of emotional baggage if you can’t understand why their past is affecting them as much as it is.

So, put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if you grew up with unsupportive and emotionally distant parents? How would you cope in new relationships if the person you thought was the love of your life cheated on you?

This exercise in empathy will really help you to help them.

9. Encourage them to vent and listen to what they have to say

Many times, we carry baggage around because we aren’t dealing with whatever we harbor inside of us. Encourage your partner or loved one to talk about their feelings and get to the root of what drives all their angst.

Listening without judgment is one of the most important components of helping someone with emotional baggage.

10. Remain positive

Be a role model to your loved one as they learn to set down their emotional baggage. The antithesis of emotional baggage is positivity and optimism, so if they see that in you, they might be able to find it within themselves.

Also, positivity will help you while you work hard to remain supportive, patient, and understanding with this person. [Read: How to be more positive – 24 steps to a happy & dramatic life shift]

11. Consider couples therapy

Helping someone to overcome trauma from their past can sometimes be an impossible mission to take on yourself. So, maybe the way forward is to attend couples therapy, or for your loved one to attend solo therapy.

A professional counselor will have the tools and the deeper understanding to help this person address their problems head-on.

Solo therapy will be great for that, but couples therapy might be the way forward so that your needs aren’t neglected while your partner goes on this incredibly difficult soul-searching journey.

12. Alternatively, consider quitting therapy

All sorts of studies have been done on whether therapy works. The literature is mixed, but for some people, it appears that therapy just doesn’t work. Rehashing your childhood trauma, a bad breakup, or any other traumatic experience, again and again, can do nothing but keep you in the past.

The concept behind therapy is to talk through the events to make some sense of them, rationalize them, and move past them. Unfortunately, there are many times that there is no closure for some things. Some shitty experiences simply don’t make any sense. Therefore, just talking about them keeps you stuck.

Therapy doesn’t work for everyone. Sometimes, it even does you more harm than good. As a partner, take notice of whether therapy hurts or helps their emotional state. [Read: 15 ways to give space in a relationship and feel closer than ever before]

13. Don’t forget your personal needs

You’re helping someone overcome some incredibly personal hurdles, and that’s great of you. But while they’re working on themselves, your own needs shouldn’t be ignored.

You’re still this person’s friend, partner, or family member. At no point should they make you feel ignored or neglected while they let go of their emotional baggage.

14. Walk away if you must

There are times when emotional baggage in a relationship is just something that you can’t get past. Forgiveness, in some instances, isn’t the solution. Unless you are truly ready to forgive.

For those who think they can but don’t take any real steps, holding onto an unhealthy marriage or relationship riddled with emotional baggage is like going in circles over and over. There is never any end or way to get off the roller coaster. [Read: 34 reasons to break up with someone and leave even if you love them]

15. Understand that some people can’t be saved

There are truly some people who want to hold onto their emotional bag because it isn’t really a bag. It is a crutch that allows them not to move on, keep themselves closed off, or not take responsibility for the hurt and chaos they cause.

Even the worst behaviors benefit some people. If you try to help someone get over their emotional hurt, and they make excuses for why they can’t let go, let go and let them figure it out for themselves. [Read: White knight syndrome – 15 reasons and signs some men love white knighting]

16. If you make a commitment, keep it

Often, we hold onto baggage because someone made a promise that they didn’t keep. If you want to help someone, commit to never giving up, never giving in, and continue to prove to them that whatever they experienced in their past isn’t going to continue in their future. Undoing the mistakes of other people is a heavy burden to carry.

So, prove to them that there is something better. Show them that no matter what they do, they can’t get rid of you. And above all else, see through their baggage-arsenal to the person who isn’t weighed down.

Final thoughts

Helping someone to let go of their emotional baggage is like trying to get someone to let go of their past. In reality, we all come to our relationships with certain past hurts and grievances.

The only way to find peace and to get along with the person who carries a heavyweight is to help them unpack and feel safe.

[Read: Insecurity in a relationship – 34 signs and secrets to feel secure and love better]

It is possible for you to help the person you love let go of their emotional baggage. You just have to be there while they override their past experiences and learn that not all people are the same.