Why Do People Fall for Narcissists When They Know They Shouldn’t?

No one thinks they’ll fall for a narcissist until they do. But why do people fall for narcissists? What is it about them that’s so tempting?

There are many well-trained narcissists out there that have people falling for them every second of the day. But why do people fall for narcissists when we know how bad they are for a relationship? What is it about narcissists that’s so appealing?

Why do people fall for narcissists?

Once, while at a club, a guy came up to me and asked me out. I rejected him, but he was persistent and asked me for my number. He didn’t have a phone on him and told me he’d remember. So, I told him my number thinking he wouldn’t call me. Well, the next day at noon, just as he had told me he would call me then, he did.

Needless to say, I was impressed. Who remembers phone numbers in this day and age? No one! But I quickly found out he was a narcissist, a pretty clever one at that.

[Read: Understanding what it means to be in a relationship with a narcissist]

Was he charming? Yes. Was he mysterious? Yes. Did I go on the date because he impressed me? Yes. But the minute we went for coffee, I could see the unmistakable red flags, and it wasn’t hard to see. All he did was talk about himself and his looks. Yawn. But I was lucky because though he had a good memory, he exposed himself too soon.

Why do people fall for narcissists? It’s a good question but a hard answer.

#1 Not all narcissists are made the same. Before we dive in, remember that not all narcissists are the same. Everyone is different, including narcissists. They also range on the NPD spectrum. Some are more sadistic with extreme mood shifts, while others are higher functioning and can maintain healthy relationships. [Read: What types of narcissism you should be on the look out for]

#2 They were raised by a narcissist. At the end of the day, much of our actions revert back to our childhoods. If you were raised or surrounded by narcissists growing up, your odds are higher of dating a narcissist. Or you may feel that you can “fix” this person. Think of children who grow up with alcoholic parents, many end up marrying alcoholics themselves. [Read: How being raised by a narcissist can harm your life]

#3 Their qualities are appealing. When you meet a narcissist, there aren’t many red flags, at least not right away. Of course, if someone good looking and charming approaches you and you think they’re attractive, you’ll dive into the conversation without a second thought. That’s their gift; they’re very appealing.

#4 They appear to be a good mate. When you see a narcissist, on paper, they tick all the boxes. They’re attractive, confident, bold, and charming. What’s not to love about them? So, naturally, many people are attracted to them, subconsciously thinking they would make good mates and partners. Oh, how wrong they are. [Read: 16 characteristics of a narcissist that give them away instantly]

#5 Their boldness and sense of self is seen as sexy. What can I say? When you first meet a narcissist, they’re usually bold and self-entitled and come across as confident. Of course, we all find confidence as sexy. Studies have even shown the more narcissistic a man was when confronting strangers, the more phone numbers he received.

#6 They fell for the game. Narcissists are like professional football players. They know the game very well. That’s why everyone else falls for their tricks. We’re amateurs in comparison to them. They love giving mixed signals and wrapping you around their finger, and usually, it works out for them. [Read: How to tell if you’re loving a narcissist] 

#7 They love the chaos. Being with a narcissist isn’t boring. They circle themselves with endless drama and often drag you in it. For people who aren’t narcissists, they’ll be on a roller coaster of emotions. Though we all say we don’t like drama, many people feel they need the drama in their relationships or else they become bored.

#8 The sex is good. If they were just self-absorbed and entitled people, you’d slowly get bored of them. There has to be something positive they give you, and usually, it’s in the bedroom. Narcissists are infamously known for being obsessed with sex, but not intimacy. Will your mind be blown? Yes. But you won’t feel a connection. [Read: How to know if a narcissist is finished with you? The harsh truth]

#9 They value the same things. This doesn’t mean people who value money and good looks are all narcissists, but it’s much easier to get along with someone who values the same things as you. You may value a good looking partner with money, and though you may not be a narcissist, your partner who values those things may be one. 

#10 Nothing they say is what it seems. Isn’t that part of the allure? When it comes to narcissists, nothing is what it seems. Yes, they tell you one thing, and then – boom – the next minute, it’s completely different. So, there’s a sense of mystery and excitement to the entire relationship. While simultaneously, it is also toxic. But many of us ignore those flags. [Read: Watch for these toxic traits in people to protect yourself]

#11 We’re only human. People fall for other people for millions of different reasons. Many people fall for a narcissist’s appearance; others fall for their charm, while some people date people they have experience with. We’re only human, after all. Why we fall for a narcissist is different for everyone.

[Read: Narcissistic supply – How to stop giving a narcissist the one thing they crave]

If you have fallen for a narcissist before, you may be wondering, why do people fall for narcissists? The answer isn’t simple, but hopefully, this gives you some clarity.