When Your Ex Wants You Back: 20 Steps to Decide What’s Best for YOU

When your ex wants you back, it can be a difficult decision. Here are some important things to think about if you are considering getting back together.

There are a lot of reasons why couples break up. They may fall out of love with one another, or maybe one person was treating the other badly. Regardless of the reasons, after breaking up, sometimes you may find that your ex wants to get back together. But when your ex wants you back, there are a few things you need to think about first.

Deciding whether or not to get back with someone who may have hurt you is a big deal. You never want to just jump right back into things without knowing for sure that it’ll be different. However, it’s really hard to determine if that will be the case.

[Read: How to get your ex back and convince them it’s the right thing to do]

Why people regret their breakups and want to get back together

As we mentioned above, there are a ton of reasons you and your partner might break up. But sometimes, one of you can grow to regret that decision. If that’s the case with your ex, you’ll need to know what to do when your ex wants you back.

They may have decided they miss having you in their life, or they might see you starting to date someone else and feel jealous. And it’s also very possible that they just made the wrong choice when breaking up with you. 

Whatever their reasons for wanting you back, it can be overwhelming on your part. This means you might need some help figuring it all out. And that’s where we come in. [Read: The signs you should give a relationship another chance]

What to do when your ex wants you back

If this sounds like the situation you’re in, you’re not alone. A lot of people have been there and have had to deal with the same thing. If you want to know what to do when your ex wants you back, we have a system that’ll be sure to work.

1. Relive the breakup in your mind

This may be a really hard thing to do, but it’s essential if you’re trying to figure out if you want to get back with your ex. How did the breakup go? Was there a lot of abusive language or was it very clean and respectful?

If the breakup was really bad, you may want to think twice about getting back together with them. However, a good breakup can help you see that maybe it was just the wrong timing, and now is a better time to be together. [Read: The worst things to say during a breakup]

2. Figure out what they’ve been up to

This is the one time you have permission to stalk their social media profiles. See what they’ve been up to and who they’ve been with. It’s very possible they’ve been around a lot of your friends and have been talking about how great you’re doing.

If they’ve been with a lot of new people and dating a lot, it could be a sign that they’re just looking to get some action. You have to figure out if they’ve been doing respectable things before you can consider getting back with them.

3. Determine if you even miss them

Do you even miss them? Is your life a lot happier and less stressful than when you were together? This is a really important thing to consider when your ex wants you back.

It can help you realize that maybe you’re better off without them. A big sign that you shouldn’t even consider getting back together with your ex is if you’ve been doing great in life without them. Living happier by yourself is much better than living unhappily with them. [Read: The reasons you miss and think about your ex often]

4. Get your friend’s opinion

Confide in your friends. When it comes to your ex wanting you back, they’ll be sure to have their opinions. This is especially true if they know that your ex wasn’t very good to you.

However, if they were on good terms with your ex and really think they were good for you, then they’ll help you decide. Ultimately, it’s up to you. But getting a friend’s opinion will never hurt.

5. Think about the state of your relationship prior to the breakup

What was your relationship even like? Did the two of you have great communication and the breakup was nothing more than a timing issue or a bad decision on either of your parts?

If you had a great relationship and the breakup was very unexpected, then it’s perfectly fine to think about reuniting. However, you should never even think about getting back together with a partner who is mean and abusive in any way. [Read: 18 critical signs of an unhealthy relationship]

6. Figure out if you even trust the person

What’s your trust with them like? Since trust is the most important part of a relationship, there’s no way you can get back together with someone you don’t fully trust.

It’s just a recipe for disaster if you get back with them even though you don’t trust them. But if you fully trust them and they want you back, it’s safe to consider it.

7. How do you feel about them? 

This is by far the most important part. When your ex wants you back, it can be easy to slip into the same mindset you had when you were dating. But you need to stop and think about how you really feel about them.

Do you truly love this person? There’s a huge difference between caring about someone and actually loving them. If you truly want to be with that person and everything else checks out, go for it. [Read: 15 ways you’ll experience what true love feels like]

8. Make sure they’re not just lonely

This happens a lot when your ex was the one who broke things off. They did so for a reason and then they realized that they’re actually quite lonely without you.

When your ex wants you back for this reason, it’s completely selfish. They’re not thinking about the fact that they miss having you in their lives. They’re thinking about how you could keep them entertained and now they’re lonely. Don’t fall for this.

9. When do they contact you? 

The specific time they reached out to you says a lot about what they’re thinking. If it was completely random and you really can’t pinpoint a reason for it, then it might be genuine.

However, if they text you after you just posted a photo with someone else, it could just be jealousy. Try to dissect the reason for them reaching out so you can figure out their true intentions with getting back together with them. [Read: 15 reasons your ex still texts you and wants to stay in touch]

10. Determine if you truly want to give them another chance

This is really up to you. It’s all about what you want and what will make you happy. Your relationship could have ended on great terms and you two just didn’t have the best timing.

 If that’s the case, I say go for it. Your feelings will help you choose the right path. Trust your gut and go with it. Think about the bigger picture and you’ll make the right choice.

11. Write a list of pros and cons

You might be on the fence about whether or not you should get back together with your ex just because they want you back. So, you need to approach it objectively – look at the pros and the cons. [Read: 24 honest and sneaky reasons why your ex still texts and stays in touch]

You should actually get a pen and paper out and physically write these down. Then, when you are done, you can see which list is longer. This will help you put things into perspective and you will make a better-informed decision.

12. Has anything changed?

If the two of you broke up because of behavior by them or you, then you have to ask yourself if anything has changed. If his or her annoying habits contributed to the breakup, will it still be the same when you get back together?

The bottom line is that you broke up for a reason. And if you get back together, you will face the same problems unless both of you have changed and are willing to work hard in the relationship. [Read: Still attached to your ex? 26 signs, why it happens, and how to break free]

13. Are any deal-breakers fixed? 

There are a lot of deal-breakers that people should stick to. For example, if there was addiction, abuse, or personality traits you can’t deal with, then you should stand your ground and not get back together with your ex unless you know for sure that they have changed.

It’s easy to give them the benefit of the doubt, especially if they say that the deal-breaker doesn’t exist anymore. But words are cheap. You have to observe their behaviors in order to determine whether they are telling the truth or not.

14. Are you lonely?

If you are considering getting back together because your ex wants you back, then you need to do some soul-searching yourself first. You might be tempted to do it because you’ve been alone for a while and haven’t found anyone else. [Read: How not to feel lonely – 30 ways to chase the lonely blues away]

But being lonely or not liking to be single is not a good reason to get back together with your ex. That is a recipe for a repeat of the kind of relationship you had before you broke up. Love yourself enough to hold out for the right person.

15. Do you both agree about what went wrong?

Just because two people are in the same relationship doesn’t mean that they view it the same way. Most people see it only from their own perspective. And when this happens, it’s easy to blame your partner/ex for what went wrong.

So, you need to have a deep discussion with your ex and come to a mutual agreement about what and whose behavior contributed to the breakup in the first place. If you can’t agree, then it won’t work out. [Read: Mutual breakup – why they happen and how to recognize the signs]

16. Can you both take personal responsibility for your mistakes?

Even if you agree on what went wrong in the relationship, can you both own up to the things you did wrong? Because you can’t change what you don’t recognize and own up to. 

Taking personal responsibility is the only way that things can change for the better next time if you decide to get back together. You can’t play the blame game or the excuse game. It will never work out if you do.

17. How much time has gone by?

This is an important variable to consider when your ex wants you back. If you broke up last week, then not much will have changed. You are both the same person as you were when you broke up. [Read: How to get over an ex – 17 steps to heal ASAP in the healthiest way]

However, if years or even decades have gone by, then there is a better chance that one or both of you have grown as a person. You have to experience a shift in perspective and work on yourself. If you can approach getting back together with a growth mindset, then you might just have a chance if you get back together.

18. Do you appreciate each other?

One of the keys to a good relationship is not taking each other for granted. Perhaps you both went out and dated other people and realized that your relationship is better than others. It might have just taken time to see that.

But you have to both acknowledge each other’s worth in order to be successful the next time around. You can’t get apathetic in the relationship. [Read: Feeling unappreciated? 31 satisfying quotes to empower you to move on]

19. Do you trust each other?

If your relationship broke up because of a trust issue of some sort, then you need to figure out if both of you can be trusted in the future. Has the trust been rebuilt? Can it be rebuilt?

If you can’t decide, maybe the two of you could go to counseling to see if a trained professional will be able to help you trust each other again.

20. Can you communicate effectively?

Having a happy, healthy, successful relationship requires both people to be able to communicate about tough topics. Can you have respectful conversations about your relationship and other things that affected you?

If you can’t communicate well, then that will just break you up again. Talking about your issues is the key to healing them – not only from the past but in the future too.

[Read: Signs you should definitely get back with your ex]

It’s a big deal when your ex wants you back and it should be treated as such. Figuring out if they’re a good fit for your life can help you determine if you want to get back together with them.