When You Realize Your Relationship Is a Lie: What’s Next?

Love is wonderful but often hurts like hell. It’s a special and devastating kind of pain when you realize your relationship is a lie.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there was a way to honestly read someone’s intentions from the start? It would save a whole lot of pain, heartache, and time, if you knew your relationship is a lie at the start. Unfortunately, it’s not possible to know someone’s true intentions until you’ve spent a lot of time with them. Even then, they might be cleverly hiding the truth from you.

Relationships require trust to thrive, but it’s easy to trust the wrong kind of person. Some people are masters of disguise, dressing themselves up as something they’re not and using others for their own gains. When this happens in the world of love and your emotions are invested, the end result can be devastating.

Now, I don’t want to paint dating and love as a huge battlefield that forces you to play devil’s advocate with your own heart, but there are some situations which certainly aren’t what they seem. It takes a special kind of person *with the word ‘special’ uttered in the most sarcastic of ways* to take someone’s emotions and use them to get what they want. Unfortunately, plenty of those people walk the earth.

[Read: 17 relationship red flags that most people ignore to their detriment]

For the most part, the truth always comes out in the end. When you realize your relationship is a lie, it can be utterly heartbreaking. You struggle to trust anyone for a long time to come, and it can shatter your self-esteem.

Is it possible to shield yourself from this type of situation? Unfortunately, not. The only thing you can do is go into any dating or love situation with your eyes firmly open. But it doesn’t mean you should paint everyone with the same brush. Just because you realize your relationship is a lie with one person, doesn’t mean it’s will be that way with everyone you meet.

Love truly is a game of Russian roulette in so many ways. Dating mindfully is perhaps the only way to reduce the impact. This means knowing yourself before you enter into any type of dating situation. Understand what you want, need, and what you will and won’t stand for. You take your time, you don’t give too much away too soon, and accept rejection as a lesson, rather than a life-altering event. Even then however, there are some sneaky types who can fly under your radar.

[Read: Healthy relationship expectations you should consider for a happy love life]

How to know if your relationship is a lie

Before delving into this list, please do not look at it and suddenly try and mold your current relationship into one of the points below. This is for information and interest only—just because you and your partner have a few rough patches occasionally, it doesn’t mean your relationship is a lie!

However, it’s worthwhile understanding the main areas where this type of situation can occur. Going into dating with your eyes wide open is the only way to do a little potential damage limitation.

#1 You’re dating a narcissist. If you’re dating a narcissist, your relationship is a lie. That’s the simplest explanation. Narcissists are not capable of feeling and showing love. They have a total lack of empathy within them. In that case, a true and healthy relationship isn’t possible. Narcissists use and abuse those around them for their own gains. You deserve better. [Read: The follies of loving a narcissist and how to tell if you’ve fallen for one]

#2 You’re being used. There are a million reasons why someone might be using you, and none of them are okay. Narcissists use you to look good. Nonetheless, others use for different reasons, such as money, convenience, a place to stay, work, the list goes on. In this case, the relationship is a lie because it’s not about love. It’s about something they’re getting from you, or you provide to them.

#3 They’re cheating on you. When someone cheats on you, does that automatically mean the relationship is a lie? Sometimes, but not always. Mistakes are made and it’s down to you to decide whether you can forgive and move on, or whether you can’t.

However, if your partner is cheating on you time and time again, your relationship is a sham. You truly do deserve someone who treats you with a hell of a lot more respect. [Read: These serial cheater signs means you should run and not look back]

#4 They don’t see a future with you. If you’ve been dating someone for a while and assume there’s a deep commitment, you would expect some kind of long-term future together. If your partner doesn’t see things that way, but they tell you or show you the opposite, you’re being manipulated. The type of situation can easily lead you to waste many years with the wrong person. It’s a dangerous relationship to be in for that reason.

#5 The foundation is built upon a lie. If your partner lied to you at the start of your relationship and it was a big lie *the foundation for your relationship*, question how rock steady the entire thing is now.

They might have told you that they were divorced when they were merely separated. Maybe they told you that they were struggling with being cheated on in a former relationship, when nothing of the sort happened. They might have children that they haven’t told you about.

It can be anything, big or small, but a lie is a lie. When a lie isn’t rectified and the truth told, it continues to snowball into something bigger and threatens the future of a relationship.

#6 You’re hidden away. If you’ve been seeing each other for a while and assume you’re in a relationship, you should be openly going out, meeting friends and family, and not hidden away. If you’re hidden away, your relationship is a lie because your partner doesn’t want anyone to know about the two of you. Huge shame on them, I say. [Read: The scary signs you’re in a toxic relationship and it’s breaking you]

The risk for love is still worth it

A true relationship is built upon trust, mutual respect, and love. If your partner is lying to you, or something isn’t quite as it seems, it will certainly all come out at some point. It might not be right now, and it might not be for a while, but the truth normally comes out at some stage. When that does happen, you’re sure to find the news shocking and hurtful.

Learning your relationship is a lie isn’t something I would wish on anyone, but it happens far more often than you would imagine. People can be manipulative and dishonest sometimes. If you happen to meet one of them, or a good person who has lost their way, you can easily end up entangled in something not good for your emotional health.

How can you avoid this? As mentioned, it’s difficult. There is no magical way to understand someone’s intentions and truth as soon as you meet them. Even when you get to know someone, they can shock and surprise you in the worst way. Love really is a risk, but it’s one you should take to find true relationship happiness in the end.

[Read: How to rebuild trust after even the worst type of betrayal]

Learning your relationship is a lie is a painful experience. But, it’s one you can learn and grow from in time. Then, you’ll meet someone who deserves you for the wonderful person you are.