When Should You Have Sex? The Essential Questions to Ask Yourself

Is moving physically too fast bad? What about moving too slow? When should you have sex? These 8 questions will help you know what’s right for you.

A question many people, mostly women, have been asking for a long time is, when should you have sex?

Sex can be an intimate part of a relationship or a fun way to connect with someone new. Sex is something different for everyone. Some of us feel empowered by sex. Others feel relaxed by sex. And there are still many that feel ashamed about sex.

According to society, never on the first date. According to romantic comedies, not until after three to five dates. Some people would say not until marriage or engagement. Others are comfortable having sex right after meeting someone.

[Read: Why you should ditch these false dating myths for a better love life]

And surprise, surprise. None of them are wrong. Knowing when you should have sex isn’t a mathematical equation. You can’t add how long you’ve known each other, divide it by if you’ve said “I love you,” and multiple it by how many people you’ve been with, and calculate your magic number.

It just doesn’t work that way. So if not that way, how?

There are so many differing ideas. There are religious outlooks, parental outlooks, guys’ outlooks, and of course, yours. How do you know? When should you have sex?

[Read: Why do we STILL silently and unfairly judge women who love sex?]

Should you have sex?

Before we get into the when, have you asked yourself this question? Should you have sex at all? Do you want to have sex? Why?

Sex is something shared and enjoyed. It shouldn’t be given as a reward or taken as a punishment. It shouldn’t be because you feel like you have to or you don’t want to be a prude. Before figuring out when the right time to have sex is, think about if you want to have it at all.

If you want to have sex, then it is time to think about when you should have sex.

[Read: How to not be nervous before having sex with someone and just enjoy it]

When should you have sex?

Whether you’re a virgin or you just don’t know when to have sex with a new partner, it is all up to you.

Even if you waited three months to have sex with your ex, it doesn’t mean you have to wait that long with someone new or that you can’t wait longer. You can always change your mind. Sex is not a contract. Just because you said you’d do it earlier doesn’t mean you have to know. You can back out at any time.

I know this is all pretty general. And I’m sorry about that. But, there is no sex calculator.

I can’t say if you want a relationship, you should wait X amount of months before having sex. I won’t say he’ll think you’re easy if you do it too soon or he’ll think you’re a prude if you wait too long. None of that is true. And if someone believes it, that is on them and is their problem, not yours.

So, when should you have sex? When you feel comfortable and all parties have given consent. I know that isn’t romantic. Nor is it advice. But I’m not here for that. I’m here for guidance. I can’t tell you exactly what to do. Even if you tell yourself you want to wait X amount of weeks before having sex, these things often don’t go as planned.

[Read: How long should you wait before having sex?]

Sometimes passion overtakes plans. Other times, things get in the way or you aren’t in the mood.

There is no perfect time to have sex. There is no magic amount of time to wait to make it perfect or for the person you’re sleeping with to think of you the right way.

Questions to help you consider what you want

When should you have sex? When you can answer these questions and feel comfortable with the answers.

#1 Do you want to have sex? I know I already talked about this, but it’s an important one. If you don’t want to have sex, it isn’t time to do it. [Read: How to become sexually active when you’re ready]

#2 Do you feel safe with your partner? Whether you know each other well or not, feeling safe is very important. You should know each other’s boundaries and talk about what you will and won’t do.

#3 Is your partner pressuring you? If your partner is pressuring you, you do not need to have sex. It is not the time. Whether they ask you to prove your love or get mad if you don’t want to have sex, those are not reasons to do it. In fact, those are perfect reasons to not be with that person.

#4 Are you on the same page about birth control and protection? This really needs to be a conversation you have before sex. I know it may not be sexy, but there is nothing less sexy than unplanned pregnancy and STIs. [Read: A QnA guide to help you decide when YOU should have sex]

#5 Why do you want to have sex? I know this can be a hard one to answer. The simple answer might be, it feels good. But think about why you want to have sex with this person. Do you want to connect with them? Are you attracted to them? Do you want to impress them? Do you want the experience?

#6 Does your partner want to have sex? Man or woman, you need consent. It is that simple. If your partner doesn’t want to have sex, it isn’t time to have sex.

#7 Are you under the influence? Whether you’ve been using drugs or drinking, you cannot consent when under the influence. The same goes for your partner. You should both have clear heads. [Read: The sobering reasons drunk sex is never okay]

#8 Are you on the same page about what this means? As mentioned earlier, sex means something different to everyone. To some, it means you have a connection and are committed. To others, it’s a fun time. Not knowing where the other person is on this question can make sex complicated and even regrettable. If you know this answer beforehand, you can more easily make your decision about if you should have sex and when you should have sex.

I know that sex is this big deal to a lot of people and just a fun thing to do for others. If you’ve never had sex, it can seem overwhelming and scary. Even if you’ve had sex, it can still feel that way.

[Read: Are you sex positive? What it means and why you should get on board]

So, when should you have sex? It only has one answer and only two people can provide that answer. And they are you and your partner.