What Is Courting: The Modern Day Gentleman’s Guide to Wooing a Lady

With the several definitions of what courting is nowadays, it can be confusing to be sure. So if you’re wondering, what is courting, we got you covered.

Have you ever asked yourself, what is courting? In this fast-paced world, everything moves so fast. So, if you’re not moving at the speed of light, you’re going to be left behind. This is why when it comes to relationships, dating seems to be the norm instead of courting.

You hear both terms when you’re in the dating world, but is one really better than the other? It’s no longer news that hookups have become the norm, especially now in the modern dating era.

And honestly, the more common swiping, casual dating, or hooking up becomes, the less there is a need for courtship. This also goes for dating apps, online dating, speed dating, and the like.

The deeper we get into casual dating, the less courtship we see. However, that doesn’t mean it’s gone altogether. Depending on the culture, there are still some countries and locations that highly practice courtship.

[Read: 18 foolproof ways to make a girl fall in love with you]

Is courtship dead?

Back when the modern hookup culture wasn’t a thing, there was no technology to make things easier. Even as we say that technology was invented to make our lives more convenient, that isn’t always the case.

These days, technology has completely reduced direct human interaction. It’s become so bad that many people get an anxiety attack just listening to their phone ring!

And when it comes to dating, instead of going over to a girl’s place and personally asking her out on a date, we now have texts and apps for that.

So does that mean the art of courting women is dead? Absolutely not. There are still a few gallant men and, let’s just say, modest women out there who prefer to take things low and slow before they finally settle into a relationship.

There are so many women that want to be courted, but it can be frustrating to want something that is rare. However, courting is definitely not dead. There are still guys out there who court women and woo her in hopes of getting her heart before moving on to something serious.

So, what is courting, and how can any guy who hasn’t done it ever woo a girl? Check out this guide on how to court a girl and the 23 ways to woo her right if courting is something you’re interested in.

What is courting?

Courting is an old art of dating that consisted of two people not going on “dates” but looking for a mate for life.

It wasn’t like looking for someone on a dating app where you want to find someone to hang out with on a lonely Saturday night. It was a way of dating someone that meant your sole purpose was to “court” someone to marry. When people would court, marrying used to be the sole goal of meeting each other, not sex!

In an almost long-forgotten past, probably the time of your grandparents or their parents and grandparents, courting was serious business. In fact, very serious.

When a man saw a woman he liked, he wouldn’t go straight up to ask her out. First, he’d go to her parents or guardian and ask permission to court her.

When he gets approval, that’s when courting officially starts, wherein the man called on the woman, came by her house for a visit, and brought her flowers. This would go on and on as they get to know each other—a process that could go on for months, even years!

Simply put, courting is a period in a relationship that precedes engagement and marriage. It is a phase where people get to know each other better before taking the relationship to the next level. Therefore, courtship is done when a guy is sure the person he wants to court is someone to build a serious and enduring relationship with.

These days, however, this is rarely done. Especially since so many people nowadays fear commitment, courtship is no longer the first thing that comes to mind.

But can you blame anyone? Dating apps are aplenty, there are more dating potentials than you can date in a lifetime! And YOLO, right?! How can anyone know for sure that the person they’re spending years courting is the one they really want to spend the rest of their lives with anyway? [Read: How to woo a girl and make her fall for you]

Courting vs dating

When comparing the two, dating takes less effort, which is why it’s more common of the two. You can’t court someone if you don’t see anything serious with them or if there isn’t a future you see. If you’re asking, what is courting or why it’s so hard, you need to know that it takes a lot of commitment and dedication.

If all you’re planning to do is to have a casual relationship with each other, courtship isn’t the way. “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” You may have heard your grandma tell you this many times. And this saying holds true if you want to differentiate between dating and courting. When you’re dating, you don’t have to work anymore.

You don’t even have to buy the cow because you have milk anytime you want. And with this, milk means a lot of things, like sex or intimacy. However, this is not to say people who date casually automatically drop their pants—but you get the drift. [Read: Every millennial’s guide to surviving the hookup culture]

So all said and done, when it comes to courting, you need to remember that sex is totally out of the picture. You look at other relationship values to judge a compatible partner, instead of getting into bed with them.

What kind of people prefer courting over casual dating?

Now that you know what is courting, you may roll your eyes and wonder why anyone would prefer that over casual dating and hookups when it’s so much more fun! But there are many people who’d rather court than sleep around, or date multiple people.

Let’s assume you’ve been dating for a good decade of your life, you’ve been meeting at least a couple or more people every week, and you’ve been hooking up casually whenever you’ve felt like it as well. It’s all well and good. But after 10 years of dating, you’ve dated hundreds, if not thousands of people, and slept with more people than you even remember. But you haven’t found the ideal partner yet. And now you’re jaded and bored, sex feels the same with everyone and love feels like a lost cause, and you now hate dating because instead of making you happy, it makes you sad.

For a second scenario, now let’s consider someone who’s a bit older, mature, and experienced in life. They’ve been there and done that, and they don’t feel like horny bunnies anymore. They’re more into intimacy, communication, and a real connection than seeing someone naked or having sex with them.

When you’re young and hot-blooded, and just want to drop your pants at every opportunity you get, courting may seem like the worst thing imaginable. But when you put sex in the backseat and focus on the things that actually matter for a better quality of life, like companionship, trust, respect, love, and communication, you’ll see that courting has the potential to win over casual dating any day! [Read: What makes a good relationship? 30 signs of an ideal love life]

How is courting better than dating?

We’ll get to the basics of what courting is, and how you can court a woman or be courted by a man, but first, let’s talk about all the reasons why courting can be better. These benefits outline why courting is better for you than dating if you’re looking for something serious!

1. You won’t waste your time with the wrong person

When looking at courting as a means to find the right person to go through life with, you won’t waste your time with someone who isn’t right.

A great way to weed through potential partners, it is okay to practically judge someone and say “I don’t think I can see this person as my partner for life” instead of dating them or letting infatuation and sex cloud your emotions. [Read: 41 conversation starters for couples who are getting serious]

2. You won’t look past warnings

When we date someone or hook up with them, we may see a few red flags right away. But every single time, you’d choose to overlook it because it isn’t worth thinking over, and you’re totally smitten by them already. But then, when the casual relationship does end, you can see all the red flags clearly and you wonder why you even dated this person in the first place!

When you’re trying to court someone or be courted by someone, everything changes. You’re not confused, you’re not completely smitten, you’re paying attention to every single detail about the other person and judging them for it with a clear head. [Read: 34 of the biggest relationship red flags most people ignore until it’s too late]

3. You are pickier

When you look at a meet or a date as an interview for your mate for life, you are a lot pickier about who you will go out with. A different attitude than you must kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. If you don’t feel it right off the bat, you don’t try to make it fit.

4. You won’t miss the right one because you are with the wrong

Think about all the opportunities you miss when you’re casually dating and juggling between multiple partners. If you are dating someone who you don’t really like for a few months, there’s a very good chance you’re missing out on another great person who may be perfect for you. But because you’re so focused on not being lonely today, you don’t pay attention to the things that actually matter over the long term.

If you go into dating with a traditional courting notion, you don’t jump in and out of love. You don’t mind staying single for a few months or even a few years if that means the chance to build real relationships with people that matter. [Read: Why am I single? The harsh truth, 36 reasons and the excuses you use]

5. Saves you a lot of heartaches

Instead of having to break up with about ten people whether it is at your hands or theirs, when you look at dating in a courting manner, you don’t have the same heartache.

YOu take it slow, and if it doesn’t work, you know it is okay because they simply weren’t the ones you were supposed to live life with.

6. You listen to that inner voice

When we date, we make excuses for red flags that tell us things aren’t right. The problem is, that little voice is supposed to point us in the right direction.

When you date casually and live in the moment, it is possible to wake up one day and be so far in without really thinking it through that you are simply going through the motions.

On the other hand, when you keep in mind that every person you go out with, you are doing so to form a life with them, that inner voice is much harder to shut out. [Read: 22 big early warning signs of a bad boyfriend]

7. You aren’t going to give it up

When you court someone, you want them to have respect for you and to think of you as their potential mate for life. That holds you to a higher standard than if you are just dating.

After all, if you just date, who cares if you sleep with them on the first date, right? You lose nothing if it doesn’t work out. If, however, you look at your time together as a means to a forever union, then you are less likely to make rash and impulsive moves like casual sex that could ruin your chances at a lasting and meaningful relationship. [Read: Real soulmates – 20 signs you’ve met the love of your life]

8. You have a plan

There is nothing worse than waking up in a relationship where you moved in together and living as if you are married for years, but nothing official has happened. An ultimatum is not only a tough thing to make, it often doesn’t work in your favor.

If things progressed naturally without a real “plan” in action, or you make your wishes known like “I want a baby by 30,” or “I won’t live with someone unless I have a ring on my finger,” you can find yourself in a relationship that is going nowhere.

By then, you may have passed your prime, and you have no choice but to move along and start over.

9. There are expectations upfront

The problem most relationships have is there are no expectations about how things are supposed to go or what each responsibility is. If you aren’t honest with someone about the level of commitment you want in a relationship, you compromise your own needs and wants.

When you begin a relationship with a courting attitude, then everyone knows what the expectations are. You aren’t just winging it hoping to get what you want, or waiting around for someone else to decide when things are right or what your fate is. [Read: 19 unrealistic expectations that can ruin your love life]

10. You don’t do things to resentment

When you court someone, everything you do counts. It isn’t as if you can treat someone as if they are temporary until you decide they are someone you want to be with.

You are also less likely to do stupid things that will come back to bite you. When courting, you aren’t playing the field hoping one player stands out, you know who your star player is. You always treat them with the respect they deserve, so no resentment or hurt feelings build when you are ready to make a commitment.

11. You deserve it

Why shouldn’t you look at every date as the potential to get married? After all, the species survived because we are supposed to find mates to pair up with, protect each other, and help get through this life.

Courting is a way of treating yourself as if you are good enough to be someone’s number one upfront. You aren’t their booty call, or their lonely Saturday night date. You are the person they think is special enough to consider being with forever. Don’t you deserve that? [Read: How to stand up for yourself and get what you want and deserve]

12. Economics

For practicality, courting is a way to not bankrupt yourself emotionally and economically. When you date, there is the potential you put out a whole lot of time and money on someone who is only going to be in your life for a short while.

The best way to go about finding a mate is to make sure you invest your time and your money wisely. The worst thing is watching someone walk away with all the jewelry you bought them, all the while knowing they weren’t the right one.

When you make it known you are looking for a long-term mate upfront, you are less likely to be taken advantage of all the way around. [Read: Why do people break up even if they’re still in love?]

Courting means you go into every relationship as a potential mate for life. Not wasting your time on casual sex, or dating someone for a while to see what you think.

It involves being discriminatory, honest with yourself, honest with each other, and having more commitment when you are with someone. An old practice, but perhaps they knew something back then that we didn’t.

It is okay to want to get married and to look for someone to spend the rest of your life with. Although not acceptable to voice for fear of scaring someone off, if they were meant to be with you, your honesty won’t scare them off, but create a higher level of respect for your courtship.

Courting a woman: The basics

Now that we’ve understood what courting is, and how it can actually be more beneficial for you over the long term, let’s take a look at how courting works, and what you need to do, as a guy who is courting a woman. Whether you just want to be all old-fashioned or a girl you like wants you to court her, then you should know the basics of courting.

1. Be crystal

Unlike the ambiguity of dating, courting a woman means you must be clear-cut about what exactly your intentions are. You tell a woman that you like her and would like to court her. Yes, you mention “courting,” and she will definitely swoon! There’s absolutely no room for mixed signals or playing games.

This is just one of the concrete examples of what makes courting refreshing, especially when playing games can get exhausting. So what does it mean to court someone? It means being crystal clear with your intentions. [Read: 12 Prince Charming traits that’ll make every girl swoon]

2. Get to know her

Essentially, courting is all about getting to know the person deeper and better. The traditional formality aside, courting is about two people becoming good friends first before deciding whether or not they’re the right fit.

If you’re genuinely wondering, what is courting, it’s seeing if both of you have the chemistry and compatibility to be in a serious relationship. It’s a way of testing the waters before getting into a serious and committed relationship. [Read: Questions to ask a girl to get to know her better – 35 ways to her heart]

While being all goody-goody at this stage can come off as phony, it helps to be not just yourself but also the best version of yourself. So if you’re wondering what does it mean to court someone, it’s putting your best foot forward to impress them.

This doesn’t mean you’re being fake somehow, but it’s using all your time, energy, and effort to show them appreciation and love. This means taking a little extra effort not to be easily annoyed when the waiter messes up your orders on your date, or being more thoughtful about the things the woman you’re courting likes and dislikes.

4. Boundaries

Boundaries are so important when it comes to courting. The reason why people generally choose dating over courtship is that you can’t sleep with someone *yet* when you’re courting them.

With dating, people tend to be more intimate with each other and tend to go too fast into the relationship.

Courtship creates a boundary that shouldn’t be crossed. Anything close to making out is not allowed, and two people are often restricted to companionship. So if you’re asking what does it mean to court someone, you need to wait for a while before getting intimate with them physically. [Read: Time on your side – Why you need to follow the 90-day rule]

5. Longevity

It’s not uncommon for those in the dating part of a relationship to not pursue the next level and fully commit to each other. Often, dating relationships don’t really last.

However, with courting couples, there’s a somewhat established period where they engage in the same activities similar to what dating couples do, such as going out, meeting each other’s friends, and many other things. You can’t do “casual” when it comes to courting as you need to be really serious about them.

6. Friendship

Courtship often establishes friendship first between two people before they take things to the next level. So if you’re wondering, what is courting, it’s using friendship as a foundation before getting into a serious relationship.

Since you’re not having sex or getting intimate physically, friendship is the best way to get to know one another in courtship. Friendship gives you enough chance just to be together, be who you really are, and just get to know each other. [Read: New relationship advice to have that perfect start]

How do you court her?

Contrary to what you may think, courting is not that old-fashioned. There are still men and women who like to court and be courted. If you’re one of these, then read up on these tips and have a better chance of making her yours.

1. Make her feel attractive

While you should respect the boundaries of courtship, this doesn’t mean you can’t express how attracted you are to her. Make her feel special with careful and genuine compliments. So if you’re wondering what does it mean to court someone, it’s making her feel attractive. This is one of the most common notions of what courting is.

While you also put your best foot forward with dating, the pressure is less intense because there’s no expectation for commitment. So whether that’s surprising her with flowers or chocolates, it’s really up to you! [Read: 30 sweetest gestures you can use to woo a girl]

2. Write her letters

No matter what anyone says, handwritten letters will always be romantic. There’s just something about it when you write your feelings down on paper and express everything.

It might be traditional, but it’s also incredibly romantic. Get fancy stationery from a specialty paper store and brush off the dust from those ballpoint pens of yours.

Pen your thoughts, feelings, and aspirations about your budding relationship. You don’t have to be Shakespeare, but eloquence and sincerity beat 140-character tweets anytime. [Read: How to write a heartfelt love letter like a true romantic]

3. Revive chivalry

Contrary to popular belief, chivalry isn’t dead. Courting is all about chivalry so if you’re wondering what does it mean to date someone, it’s being chivalrous to them. Women these days are so jaded about the idea of men being these knights in shining armor that they are fine without chivalry.

In fact, there’s this neo-feminists inside them that believes they don’t need a man to get through life. Prove her wrong. Make her believe that you’re different. [Read: How to be chivalrous – The code of modern chivalry]

4. Date her

And by date, we mean just that—date. Take her out for lunch, dinner, a walk in the park, a night at the museum, feed some pigeons, and just make each time you spend together interesting. Dating is so important, even though we’re differentiating courting from dating.

If you’re asking, what is courting and how is it any different, you need to date her with intention. This means you’re not just casually going with the flow or “hanging out,” but you’re serious about her. The difference of courting is that you’re dating her intending to be serious, not just to have fun or pass the time.

5. Manage your expectations

Remember, don’t expect a kiss, or even some nookie, in return for everything you do. When you’re courting, you don’t date her just to get in her pants—let’s get that straight. A guy may find it really hard to court a woman because he feels entitled to earn her heart or get into bed with her if he does something nice once. But that’s not how courting works.

She can fall for you, but sometimes, she also won’t. If you want to know what it means to court someone, you need to stop feeling entitled to her heart. You should be doing everything because you genuinely like her, not because you expect anything in return. [Read: 18 qualities of a good man that sets him apart from lesser men]

6. It’s worth it

In a world where instant is not even instant enough for some, courting is like moving you up the relationship ladder at a snail’s pace. Add to that the many things you must do for the woman you’re courting first to get to know each other, build trust, show commitment, and eventually win her heart.

So, what does it mean to court someone?

Now that you know what courting is, remember that it’s a way to show her your intentions and sincerity through your actions.

Courting someone, unlike dating, means your intentions for them are serious. You need to be committed towards them, and you can’t just be doing it to have fun or get her hopes up. Also, there are boundaries to observe when courting someone.

If you’re asking, what is courting, your intentions and sincerity are generally more direct than just dating someone. With these tips, hopefully, you can woo her and win her heart!