Want to Fall in Love? The Mistakes People Make & How to Up Your Chances

Falling in love isn’t as easy as it seems in books and movies. But it’s not impossible if you know where to look for love.

Whether you lost a relationship or have never had a real one, when you want to fall in love, it is a difficult thing. Like it or not, love is on its own time schedule– it will show up when it feels like it, and not a moment before.

Not only does love come along when you least expect it, but there is also nothing you can do to hasten it, or is there? The mistake that most of us make is to look for love in places that simply don’t make sense. Self-sabotaging ourselves, we often go looking for someone to love in impossible scenarios.

[Read: Have you ever wondered what falling in love feels like?]

Why do you want to fall in love?

Have you ever wondered why people fall in love? What is it about love that makes one craves it so much? People have gone to war for love, so it must be the most powerful thing in this world.

Even though sometimes we cannot pinpoint why we want to fall in love, deep down, we do know.

Maybe it’s the idea of being wanted. To be loved and to be in love is a wonderful thing. Or you’re probably searching for meaning in your life to fill an empty space. Society also puts a lot of pressure on people to couple up, but everyone’s timeline is different.

[Read: How to know if she is the one – 32 signs to instantly know for sure]

Some people fall in love many times in their life, some people fall in love late in life, and everything in between. There is no right or wrong way to seek out love. But just make sure that you are looking for something to make your life better, not a silver bullet to fix all your problems.

Sometimes being too selective or looking too hard can lead to missing out on Mr. or Ms. Right. The things we think we want may not be the ones we actually do. Because if they were, you might have already found love by now.

The hard truth is that love only comes to those who aren’t desperate to be in love. Most people love the idea of being in love, but not the reality of it. Love happens to all, but the timings are specific. You just have to be patient.

[Read: Does true love exist? 21 signs to recognize it & make you a believer]

How do you fall in love?

Falling in love is more than mushy feelings. There is actual science behind what causes humans to fall in love.

When someone falls in love, their brain releases a collection of hormones such as serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine.

These hormones act like a powerful drug, making you feel euphoric and giddy. That’s part of what makes love so powerful, love is literally intoxicating! [Read: Chemistry of love – How hormones make you feel love the way you do]

How long does it take to fall in love?

Falling in love is like falling asleep—for some people, it is instantaneous and easy. For some others, it takes longer to get comfortable.

We’ve all heard of love at first sight. While that may be true for some, most people need to get to know their partner before they truly love them. Sometimes love can blossom from a long-term friendship. Love works when it works, so there is no one time for everyone.

According to scientists, the average time for men to fall in love is 88 days, though it takes women 134 days to feel the same feelings. A study in 2017 also discovered that 72% of men believe in love at first sight, while only 61% of women do.

[Read: Psychology of attraction – The 6 types & the ones that make you fall in love]

How to prepare yourself for love and a relationship

You want to be in love, but are you ready for it? Love, just like anything in this world, comes with responsibilities. So until you’ve come in prepared, love isn’t going to happen suddenly.

1. Get to know yourself better

The number one mistake people make when they’re looking for love is not knowing what they’re looking for. If you don’t know yourself, you don’t know what you need in an ideal partner. This results in falling for red flags and ending up getting hurt.

Before you dive in head first, you must learn your worth. You should always put yourself first and be ready to walk away when the relationship does not benefit you. Besides, if you don’t even understand yourself, how do you expect your future partner to make you happy?

Some people look to relationships to define them. This can be devastating if the relationship ends and the person feels they are left with nothing. So, take time to know who you really are, and love will come to you on its own.

[Read: 21 steps to find yourself when you’ve lost your way & feel hopeless]

2. Establish your personal values

Discovering your personal values can strengthen your confidence and your chance of finding love. You can only choose the right partner if you know whether they align with your values or not.

To get a sense of what your personal values may be, make a list of your achievements, boundaries, ambitions, and priorities. Think of the people you most admire and what about them resonates with you. Consider your past experiences and the lessons you learned from them.

It’s important to present your best self when dating. But don’t change who you are at your core to attract a mate. A person who loves you should date you for you, not because you changed yourself for them.

[Read: How to set personal boundaries & guide other people to respect it]

3. Set goals

Love is wonderful, but falling in love won’t fix all your problems. If you are looking for love to give your life meaning and purpose, you will be disappointed. Make sure your intentions of falling in love are true before you try dating again.

You need to set goals for yourself, whether it’s short-term goals or long-term ones. You need to know where you’re heading in life. When you meet someone you want to build a future with, it’s important to consider the fact that they may help you reach your goals or hold you back.

[Read: 17 signs of a supportive partner who encourages you & your goals]

4. Sort out your past

If you are serious about finding love, you cannot carry your past everywhere with you. This means you should come in as a new person, not someone looking for a replacement for an ex-lover. Also, make sure that your ex won’t come in between you and the chance of starting over with someone new.

There’s nothing wrong with cherishing the past, but in order to move forward, you must not cling to those memories. [Read: How to stop ruminating: 18 ways to leave your past and be present]

5. Accept change

By letting go of your past, you must face the risk of change. Remember that you are a new person after every relationship. If you keep looking for the same person in all the new people you meet, you’re going in circles.

So don’t turn someone down just because they don’t fit a certain type. Say yes to new opportunities. Do not hesitate to change your attitude and look at life from a new and improved perspective. [Read: 26 deep daily reminders to change your life forever & go forward]

Pros and cons of falling in love

It might seem that falling in love is all roses, but that’s not totally true. The pros of falling in love are obvious. If you want to be sure, just watch a romantic comedy or see a happy couple on the street.

But remember that nothing comes for free. When you want to fall in love, you can focus too much on the things you lack. Being single has some great perks too! [Read: 42 secrets to be happy being single & lessons singledom can teach]

When you are single, you are the master of your own destiny, free to make whatever life choices you wish. You can pack up and move countries, switch careers, or move to be closer to family—all without having to consult someone else.

If you really want to fall in love, try falling in love first with the idea of spending time with yourself. You will be surprised at how quickly you attract other people! [Read: Are soulmates real? 20 signs you found the one who completes you]

Reasons why you can’t fall in love

Do you want to fall in love but find it difficult? There could be a few different reasons for this.

1. You’re not ready

One is that you are insecure or are trying to fall in love to make up for something else. If you want to fall in love to fill a void in your life, you will never be able to find true love because you cannot love yourself. If you want someone else to distract you from your previous heartbreak, you will only get yourself hurt.

[Read: How to stop loving someone else…and love yourself more]

2. You have unrealistic expectations

It’s true that we all want our future partner to be everything we wish for. But let’s be real, nobody’s perfect. Try to look at yourself from someone else’s perspective. You are not perfect, either.

If you have a list of “must-haves” for a partner that is a mile long, but don’t bring a lot to the table yourself, you’re going to have a hard time finding a partner.

You can’t be unemployed and expect your future partner to be a millionaire who will provide for you. Unless you go in with healthy expectations, it’s never going to work.

3. You feel pressured to date

Does the pressure come from your friends or family? If so, have a talk with them and explain that you’re only focusing on yourself at the moment. If the pressure is coming from you, try to understand what started it.

Usually, we feel pressured to date because being alone is viewed negatively in society. But there’s nothing wrong with being alone. You need to stop thinking about what others think and just go at your own pace. Meet as many people as you can before getting into a relationship.

[Read: 40 rules & dating advice for women tired of bad dates & shitty men]

4. You’re searching in the wrong places

One common mistake people make when they search for love is searching in the wrong places. Love most likely won’t come to you in a nightclub. That stranger you go home with will probably leave in the morning and never call again.

Yes, it is tiring, but unfortunately, falling in love means meeting new people. If you aren’t doing that, you are going to struggle to find a partner.

5. You’re looking for someone for the wrong reasons

If you’re only dating for looks, it’s never going to work out. But if you like someone simply for their personality and don’t find them attractive, that won’t last as well. You need to be attracted to them both physically and mentally.

Also, forget about finding someone who will save you. You are not a damsel in distress, and only you have the power to heal yourself.

The biggest ‘no’ is focusing on someone’s potential rather than their reality. No matter how many romcoms you’ve watched or romance books you’ve read, you cannot change someone unless they want to change.

[Read: What is a toxic relationship? 53 signs to recognize love that hurts you]

Tips for those who want to fall in love

Are you ready to take the plunge? Here are some tips for those who want to fall in love. [Read: 20 secrets to make a girl fall for you & fall in love before asking her out]

1. Quit the bar scene

Sure, singles’ bars are full of what? Singles. The problem is that the harder you look for love, the harder it will likely elude you. Being in a singles bar is like putting yourself on the shelves of a grocery aisle.

It isn’t enjoyable, and you are constantly looking either to beat out the competition or score a number 10. There is very little honesty going on in a singles’ bar, and if there is one thing that love is based around, it is honesty. If you want to fall in love, then think twice about these places. [Read: Single and ready to mingle? Get out there in the world]

2. Start doing the things you love

Instead of going online to an online dating site, try doing the things that you enjoy. Hopefully, you will find love unexpectedly. If you love to hike or canoe, then take a trip with a group. If you meet someone while doing what you love, then you will have something in common right from the start.

When you look for people to love that you have nothing in common with besides physical attraction, it doesn’t make for a very long and peaceful relationship without a whole lot of work.

[Read: FWB to relationship – 15 ways to get a friend with benefits to fall in love]

3. Change your methods for attracting a partner

Let’s be honest, if you have been doing the same thing to find love with no results, then what you are doing isn’t working. If you want to fall in love, you need to change how you attract a partner. Time to consider the kind of message you are putting out, and if it’s the right one.

Ask your happily coupled friends to give you advice on your approach. [Read: Is he attracted to me? 34 signs to know if a guy desires and wants you]

4. Make sure your standards are realistic

So here is the thing, movies aren’t real. All those magical scenes of princesses being swept off of their feet by princes are all fantasy. Real love is a lot less glamorous, but a lot more wonderful.

Stop looking for a “perfect partner” and start looking for someone compatible with you. If you have a list of must-haves, ditch all the physical aspects. You need to have an open mind and realistic standards to fall in love.

Be kind to people and try to stop yourself from eliminating potential dates over nit-picky or overly critical things. Don’t ask a potential partner to do anything you wouldn’t be willing to do yourself.

If nothing else, you will make a whole lot of friends. Keeping your mind open is the only way to find love. [Read: How to find the one by changing the way you see things]

5. Go for someone who isn’t your type

We all have a specific “type.” These are the people who make our hearts go pitter-patter and make us tongue-tied, but the problem is that it isn’t working for you.

If your type was really what was good for you, and the person you really want in your life, then you probably would’ve already come closer to finding them.

Opposites may attract, but they rarely stay together or have long-lasting relationships. Instead of seeking out the type of girl or guy that you normally go out with, try going for someone who is a little less characteristic. For all you know, your “type” may just not be very good for you. [Read: 23 types of relationships to define your love life]

6. Don’t put too much pressure on falling in love

This may seem counter-intuitive, but one of the best ways to find love is to relax about it. Desperation is not attractive.

This is hard for the “doers” of the world. People who want to make contacts, make checklists, and get things done. But love just doesn’t work that way. As frustrating as it is, you just have to put yourself out there and hope for the best.

Remember, patience is a virtue!

[Read: How long does it take to fall in love? The real answers to know for sure]

If you want to fall in love, maybe you can’t find it because you are doing it all wrong and looking in all the wrong places. Follow these steps, and you’ll be riding off into the sunset in no time!