Timing It: How Often Should You See Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend?

Spending time together is key, but so is independence. How often should you see your boyfriend or girlfriend for the right balance?

We often think that we need to adhere to an invisible set of guidelines or rules when it comes to knowing how often should you see your boyfriend or girlfriend. We think we should do certain things by certain times, and say specific words by certain times. Basically tick relationship milestones off, almost as if we’re ticking tasks of our daily to do list.

The truth is real relationships don’t work like that. Throw out the so-called rule book. Instead focus on what feels right to you!

[Read: Healthy relationship expectations for the healthiest love life]

Why relationship milestones don’t really exist

Why is this lesson so important?

For starters, every single person on this planet is different, and that means when two people join forces, their situation is never going to be the same as anyone else’s. In that case, how can you tell a couple that they should be hitting this milestone by that time, or this milestone by another time?

You can’t!

Perhaps they don’t feel ready! Maybe they’re never going to feel ready!

What happened to having fun, people?

In addition, relationships are not a series of boxes to be ticked off a list.

There is a lot to be said for simply going with the flow.

[Read: 15 rules to be a good partner in the relationship]

The so-called milestones include: exclusive by a certain time, going Insta-official, meeting friends, meeting family, moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, having children. What if you don’t want to get married? What if you’re perfectly happy living the way you are or what if you don’t want to have children? What if you have them earlier that people say you’re “supposed” to?

None of it matters. All that matters is that the pace your relationship is moving at is comfortable for the two of you.

Where’s the rush?

[Read: The 80-20 rule in relationships that all couples need to understand]

How often should you see your boyfriend or girlfriend?

Another question which people ask and think there should be a set answer to is ‘how often should you see your boyfriend or girlfriend?’

The answer?

There isn’t one!

Some couples see each other every night, some see each other a few times per week, some see each other a few times per month because one of them works away. There is no hard and fast rule to how often should you see your boyfriend or girlfriend! [Read: How much time do couples need to spend together?]

In addition, what does ‘see’ mean? Does it mean video call? Does it mean a photograph or a physical meet up?

It only needs to be something which you’re both perfectly happy with.

Sure, if you don’t see your partner as much as you want to, that’s another issue. In that case, figure out whether there’s a logistical reason for it, or simply because one of you isn’t putting in the effort. In that case, chat about it and make a change.

On the other hand, if you’re simply asking how often should you see your boyfriend or girlfriend because you’re worried that you’re not living up to so-called relationships norms, throw the guidebook out of the window. Focus on what feels right to you! [Read: How to give space in a relationship and not drift apart]

Focus on independence as well as togetherness

When asking yourself how often should you see your boyfriend or girlfriend, spend time in a balanced way. Yes, you should spend time together to build your connection and closeness and to make happy memories together. You also should have your independence too.

The healthiest relationships out there consist of time spent together and time spent apart. That means both partners can go out and see their friends, do their work, concentrate on spending time with family, and also dedicate a little time to their own hobbies and pursuits, while having a little ‘me’ time too.

When you strike this balance between time together and time focused on other things, you have more to talk about when you are together. It gives you a a healthier outlook and greater appreciation for one another. [Read: How to love your partner without smothering them with too much love]

Spending too much time together might seem all adorable and loved-up, but it creates an unrealistic bubble. What are you going to talk about after a while? What happens when the small things about your partner start to annoy you? Then, you won’t be asking how often should you see your boyfriend or girlfriend, you’ll be asking, how much time should we be spending apart!

Having that equal balance and happiness between the two of you allows you to build up a stronger, more lasting connection. Intense relationships, when partners spend every second together, usually end up crashing and burning.

If you want longevity, if you’re truly in it for the long haul, then find a balance in your life, which allows you to maintain your own hobbies and interests, while also being in a close-knit relationship with someone you adore.

Just because you’re not with each other 24/7 doesn’t mean you don’t care about each other deeply. You don’t have think about one another all the time or share every single detail with one another.

[Read: How to stop the codependency for a healthy relationship]

What is normal anyway?

Finding the balance that works for you is the only answer. When you’re balanced, everything is better. Both sides are happy and fulfilled. Surely that’s what relationships are about, not ticking boxes and making other people feel like you’re apparently ‘normal’.

For you that frequency might be every other night, for your friend and her partner it might be every night, and for your other friend and their partner it might be two times per week. Neither of those situations are incorrect, provided both partners are happy with it. Each are living lives of their own at the same time. That’s all that matters. [Read: 11 signs you’re spending way too much couple time together]

So, let go of those so-called relationship milestones. Think about your relationship in personalized terms. What do you want out of this union? Do you have no idea and you’d rather just see what happens? That’s fine too, provided you’re both on the same page.

Just be open and honest with one another and communicate about the things that matter. In that case, you don’t have to tick a certain box by a certain time, or adhere to certain social norms.

What is normal anyway? Who made the rules? It’s time to make your own rules, or decide not to have any and just go with your own flow. Do what suits you both, however it looks.

[Read: 25 must-follow relationship rules for happy love]

How often should you see your boyfriend or girlfriend? However much you want to, provided you are both happy with the situation.