The Threesome Invite: How to Ask Someone to Join You in Bed

The more the merrier! Threesomes are awesome, but the invite can be awkward. Here’s how to bring a guest into the bedroom for triple the fun.

If you’ve never had a threesome, you don’t know what you’re missing. Anything one person can do, two people can do better. That’s what teamwork is all about. Think about how great one mouth can make you feel, now imagine another pair of lips thrown into the mix.

But how to get there… Your bedroom is an intimate space. Unless you’re having regular threesomes, in which case you don’t need any advice, your bed normally has a maximum capacity of two. Extending an invitation can be extremely awkward for everyone involved. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. [Read: 20 things you need to know about threesomes]

How to invite the third person into a threesome

Having a threesome is a big risk. If it doesn’t go well, it can put your relationship into jeopardy. And if your third is a friend, then there’s a friendship on the line as well. But nothing that’s worth doing is easy, and no great reward comes without risk. Follow our advice and your ménage à  trois experience will be an unforgettable one.

#1 Setting boundaries. So you’ve agreed as a couple to try and bring a person in for a threesome. Before you even start looking for a candidate, you’ve got to set clear ground rules for what you want as a couple, and how much you’re comfortable with your partner doing with the third.

There is no right way to do this. Every couple will have their own preferences and their own lines that can’t be crossed. Women who are bi or bi-curious often want to invite another woman in, but aren’t always comfortable with her man touching the other lady. Or maybe sex with the other is okay but not kissing.

Couples who are bringing in a second man should be clear on whether or not they will be having a bisexual threesome, or if both gentleman will be focused exclusively on the lady. Another consideration is whether or not she wants to feel dominated. The typical porn scene where two men have sex with a woman is not what every woman is looking for. She might be, but you should know before if your girlfriend will want the double facial cumshot, or if she’s looking for something less degrading. [Read: How to set up your threesome boundaries]

#2 A friend indeed. A threesome is quite intimate, so it’s natural for a lot of couples to turn to a friend when looking for a third. Having someone you know you can trust is reassuring, but it can also be embarrassing to ask, and if things don’t go well, it can complicate or end the friendship. The best way to approach a friend about joining you in lovemaking is to do it slowly and with subtlety.

Alcohol is the great social lubricant, so if you all do drink, go out for a few, or better yet, invite them over for dinner and serve extra wine. Playing a game such as “never have I ever” is a great way to get people to open up about themselves. Having a small party and inviting a group of people makes it even less awkward. You might find out just from playing that the person you’re interested in inviting has already had threesomes. [Read: 10 naughty drinking games to set the mood]

Work towards asking your friend slowly. Drop hints, and if you feel like you’re making them uncomfortable, back off and preserve the friendship. But if you feel like they are receptive, then take the risk, and ask. If you’re inviting a woman in, it may be easier for the woman in the relationship to do the asking privately. Same for inviting a man: let the male partner do the asking.

#3 A direct approach. If you’re thinking of inviting someone you don’t know well to be your threesome third, you can be more direct. There is no friendship on the line, so the worst case scenario is that they say no, and you move on. But you’ve got to be more careful bringing a stranger in.

People often imagine meeting their threesome match out at a bar or club, and while this isn’t out of the question, it’s not easy either. It will take a bit of luck. Increase your odds by going to a swingers nights, or at least a singles events. If you want a bisexual threesome, gay clubs are a great place to look, but it’s best if it’s a venue that men and women frequent.

And of course, there’s the internet. Avoid the sites where most people are looking for serious relationships. Casual hookup and sex sites might work, but there are so many creeps and weirdos, that it can be hard to meet someone who won’t freak you both out. The best bet is a site like OkCupid, where most people aren’t looking for one-time hookups, but plenty of them are open to more casual arrangements.

Whenever you meet someone online, take some time getting to know them. Make it clear what you’re looking for and make sure that they fit the bill. Verify they are who they say they are by video chatting before you meet, and when you finally do meet, set it up in a public place. The search for your threesome third can seem daunting, but it can be fun, and the end result is worth it. [Read: How to find yourself a f*ck buddy]

#4 Start slowly. Even when you think you’ve met someone, you don’t have to just dive right in to three-way sex. Taking a slower approach means being able to back out anytime, if anyone isn’t feeling comfortable. A threesome with a reluctant partner will not be a good experience for anyone. Only when everyone’s on board will it be the amazing time it should be.

The first step can just be talking about sex. Tell the potential third about your sex life, and about what turns both of you on. This can be in person or online. Take photos or video of yourselves having sex and show them. Only do this in person, on your own phone or tablet. Don’t send these digitally.

If talking about sex and showing them your moves is getting everyone hot and interested, but you still don’t know if you’re ready for it, invite them to watch. From a distance, say a chair in the corner, let them watch you make love together. This can be really hot in and of itself, and if it’s not awkward, then you’re ready for the real thing. Plus, they can join in anytime when everyone’s okay with it.

 #5 Threesome fun for everyone. Just like you need to set boundaries between you and your partner, it’s important that your third knows these too. Take the time before you start to tell them exactly what you both want, and what you don’t want. The only way it can work is if everyone is enjoying themselves, and nobody feels uncomfortable. Once that happens, congratulations, you’ve found threesome bliss! [Read: The basic rules of having the perfect threesome]

Threesomes aren’t easy to pull off. They take planning, preparation, and most of all, trust. But putting in the work to do it the right way is well worth it. A great threesome is an unforgettable experience. Start planning yours today.