Should I Talk to My Ex? 23 Steps to Help You Find the Answer to Your Feelings

You’re not the only one who has wondered, “should I talk to my ex?” Here’s what you should do if you miss your ex and want to talk to them.

“Should I talk to my ex?” is a common question to cross our minds after a breakup. Deciding whether or not to talk to your ex is a hard choice.

You don’t necessarily want to just cut this person out of your life so abruptly. But, you also don’t want to maintain the relationship you had. There is a reason you broke up in the first place.

[Read: 24 honest & sneaky reasons why your ex still texts & stays in touch]

But, there are a lot of things to consider when deciding whether or not you should talk to your ex. And ultimately, the decision is yours.

So, is it beneficial to talk to your ex? Is it worth the trouble? Is it a positive addition to your life, or will it make things harder for you? These are just some of the things to consider when you ask yourself, “should I talk to my ex?” [Read: Should you be friends with your ex?]

Should you talk to your ex?

First things first, you do not need to make this decision right now. Whether you just broke up or it has been a while, you can think about it. You do not need to respond to a text or decide this right now. As mentioned before, you have a lot to consider here, take your time.

If you rush this decision, one way or another, it is not easy to back out later.

How long should you wait until you reach out to your ex

Whether you were the one to call the shots, or you were the receiving end of the breakup, breakups suck. It’s not easy to cut someone off, especially when they were such a big part of your life. It’s only natural that you miss them and want to talk to them.

There are so many things you should consider before reaching out to your ex. The number one question is how long should you wait. This depends on the complications of your breakup, as each relationship ends differently.

However, the rule of thumb is to wait at least 30 days after the breakup to talk to your ex. If you were together for a very long time, this can be extended to 6 weeks. Before this is the no contact period. So even if their birthday falls into this period, you still shouldn’t text them!

Well, if you bump into your ex during the no contact period, try to avoid long and emotional conversations, but don’t be rude.

[Read: Still attached to your ex? 26 signs, why it happens & how to break free]

Questions to ask yourself before talking to your ex

Now that it has come time for you to consider whether or not to talk to your ex, balance the pros and cons. Think about what talking to them would add to your life, if anything.

Did you break up mutually and you’re on good terms? Or do you still hold resentment towards each other? Read on to help yourself answer the questions, “Should I talk to my ex?”

[Read: How to get your ex boyfriend back after a regretful parting]

1. Did you just break up?

If you and your ex just recently ended things, it is best to take a break for a while. Sure, you need to talk if you intend to move out or get your stuff back. But otherwise, taking time away from each other will help you move on.

Remember the 30 days rule and stick to it. If you talk too soon after a break up, you won’t get that ending. You don’t get to feel that loss or mourn the relationship. You need some time to not see them or talk to them before considering talking again.

[Read: 42 rules to forget someone you cared for and get over them ASAP]

2. Do you share friends?

This is a big one. If not talking to your ex messes with your friends, it may be best to swallow any resentment or bitterness and be cordial.

This does not mean you need to text each other or keep up with the latest, but it does mean you will probably need to be okay sharing small talk with the group.

Again, you don’t need to force yourself to do this if it makes you uncomfortable. But if you can put aside the residual relationship problems while you’re with friends, everyone will be better off. [Read: How to stop thinking about your ex – 21 ways to forget them for good]

3. Work together?

Working together is just as important as sharing friends, if not more so. Neither one of you wants to put your job at risk because you ended your outside relationship. So, don’t.

If you can work together on the most professional level, wonderful. Walking past their desk or bumping into them in the copy room should be a piece of cake.

But, if you work closely together or one of you is the other’s superior, you may need to go to human resources to make things easier for both you and anyone else affected. [Read: How to be friends with your ex without any complications]

4. Is this for closure?

If you aren’t considering talking to your ex in the long run, but need to in order to hurdle the end of your relationship, then by all means, do it. The wise thing to do is be upfront about what you want out of that talk.

If you are meeting with your ex, don’t be misleading about it. When making the plan, let them know you need to get closure and talk out anything you may not have before the breakup. You can both be mature and calm about it. It may not seem that way, but you can.

[Read: How to say goodbye to someone you love & find closure and happiness]

5. Does one of you want to get back together?

If either you or your ex is looking to start things up again, talking may not be the best idea. Sure, you can talk to let them know you’re not interested in that, but try to hold back on deep conversations.

These sorts of talks with your ex may seem polite and friendly at first, but can get messy very quickly if you are not careful. [Read: Does your ex still want you? How to decode their deepest desires]

6. Do you get along?

You may think that you get along because you dated them for so many months or years, but really think about this. Many relationships thrive off of passion rather than friendship or communication. If you don’t get along in the most basic of situations, talking to your ex is not going to go over well.

For example, you may have an ex you never talk to. You run into each other once after the breakup. It’s clear you just don’t get one another outside of the walls of a relationship. But, you may have another ex where you can bond over tons of topics. You can sit and talk about anything, just as friends.

Keep reminding yourself that you do not want to talk to an ex that will make the talking hard for you.

[Read: 15 signs your ex is pretending to be over you & what to do next]

7. Are they respectful of you moving on?

Whether you need to move on from your ex or move on with someone else, talking to your ex is only worth it if they can be respectful of your privacy. If they feel the need to know your current dating situation or feel the need to judge you for it, it is just not worth it.

It may seem rude to cut your ex out of your life, but if they don’t add to it, why bother with them? And remember, the same goes for you. You may want to talk to your ex, but if you will have a hard time dealing with them moving on, just don’t.

[Read: Does my ex miss me? 23 signs your ex is clearly not over you yet]

8. Do you want to be friends?

Oftentimes, people talk with their ex for a bunch of reasons that do not include actually wanting to be friends with them. They want to be nice or cordial or mature, but none of that is really necessary.

If you do not want to be friends with your ex, you do not have to be, it is as simple as that.

9. Is this for them or for you?

No matter how long your relationship was or how it ended, only talk to your ex if it is beneficial to you and your life. You may feel bad that you hurt them, so you want to make things easier for them by talking regularly.

You may like their family or just want to gradually slow things down. The thing is, any reason for talking to your ex that isn’t for you and your well-being or happiness will make things harder than they have to be. [Read: Relationship is making you depressed: Is it time to move on?]

10. Do you trust them?

If you are just talking in passing hallways, trust isn’t that big of a deal.  But, if you are considering talking to your ex on a regular basis, about anything more important than the weather, you need to trust them.

Talking to a liar or someone you cannot trust not only lessens the friendship, but it also makes you lose trust in yourself. No matter who your ex is to you now, having someone in your life that you do not trust is toxic. [Read: 13 ways toxic love can harm you permanently and why you need to get away]

11. Is it worth the potential drama?

Is your ex stable? During your relationship, were your fights calm and collected? Or did they lose it? If this person was fine with yelling at you, or losing their temper, or talking to people in your life behind your back before, they will continue to do so.

Is that drama and headache worth it? Is your friendship with your ex really so important that you will continue to put up with the stuff you probably ended the relationship for? [Read: How to be more positive – 24 steps to a happy & dramatic life shift]

12. Is there already drama?

Think about right now. Are you considering talking to your ex because they are reaching out? Are they claiming you are mean, cruel, or cold-hearted because you won’t respond to them?

You may think it would be easier just to answer, but in fact, that is what they want. They want a rise out of you. If someone is already harassing you and you aren’t entertaining them, things will only get worse if you do. [Read: How to turn down an ex who wants to be your friend]

13. Why did you break up?

Did you break up because you grew apart? Did one of you take a job offer far away? Or did one of you cheat? Think about the true reason things ended. If it was mutual and you would both benefit from continuing to talk, then go for it.

But, if things ended because your relationship was dysfunctional or poisonous to your mental, physical, or emotional health, do not talk to your ex.

[Read: When is it time to break up? 15 signs to know for sure if it’s time]

14. Were you friends before you dated?

If you started out as friends before they became your ex, you may be able to get back to that state now. You can bond over what you did before things got romantic. Just remember, you have a history now. And if you can’t overcome that, things will likely get messy.

Having access to your ex regularly almost always ends badly or regrettably, but if you can find common platonic groups to focus on, talking to your ex could actually be nice. [Read: Can you actually be friends after a breakup?]

15. Why do you need to talk?

Ask yourself why you are even considering talking to your ex. Do you miss them and need closure? Do you want your favorite DVD back? Think about the reason why you ask yourself this question. Is it reasonable and rational for you to talk to your ex, or is it something else?

16. What do you hope will happen?

Before talking to your ex, have a clear purpose in mind. What do you hope will happen after this conversation?

Do you just want closure, or do wish to rekindle things? Just know that if you reach out with expectations far different from theirs, you’ll be disappointed.

[Read: How to move on from a break up without compromising your dignity]

17. Will this help you move on?

If you can’t sleep at night until you get closure from them, reaching out is the best way to solve it. After all, it’s better to hear the bitter truth than to keep wondering. After all, what’s tormenting us most of the time is the unanswered questions.

On the other hand, if you’re unsure what you want out of this talk and just want to see them because you miss them, it’s probably not a good idea to reach out. [Read: How to deal with the hurt when your ex moved on quickly]

18. Are you completely over them?

Sometimes we think we’re over an ex, but that’s just us lying to ourselves so we have an excuse to talk to them. Even if you believe there’s a chance that you two can get back together in the future, try not to reach out if you’re not completely over them yet.

You two ended for a reason, and the wound is still too fresh so just leave it alone. It’s not healthy for you to come back to them knowing exactly where it’s going. Stay strong and take time working on yourself.

If it’s meant to be, it will be. [Read: The strong signs your ex is over you & it’s time for you to move on]

How to reach out to an ex

Some people think it’s best to just send them a message. Others believe a phone call is the way to go. Some even show up at their ex’s doorstep *which rarely ends well, to be honest*. But hey, we’ve all been there.

Choose whatever method you’re most comfortable with. If you feel like you’re better at writing your emotions down, you can send them a message or a letter. But if you’re impatient and don’t want to wait, just pick up your phone and dial their number.

[Read: How to get over a long term relationship, move on & feel whole again]

Things to say to your ex

Writing a letter is probably the easiest way to do this. You have plenty of time to draft it and edit it before sending it. The only disadvantage is that if they toss it away or tear it before reading, you won’t know. If they do respond, it’ll probably take ages.

So, texting is the most common way to reach out to your ex. If you’re going to text them, don’t just send them a “hey” because they may not respond. Instead, try starting the conversation with a specific question or a story, anything to grab their attention and give them no choice but to respond to find out what you want to say.

[Read: How to text your ex after no contact & not make the same mistakes]

Phone calls are easier than texting in a way that they allow you to hear the person’s voice and guess their emotions. It’ll save you a heart attack after being left on seen. However, many people struggle with calling their ex because they don’t know what to say.

With a text, you have more time to prepare your message. When you’re on a call, you only have seconds to think, or you’ll be caught up in awkward silence.

The best way to do this is to have several stories in your head before the call. You can even write them down just in case you forget. If you run out of things to say, you can just switch to a different story and keep the conversation going.

[Read: The resolute ways to resist the urge to call your ex]

Why you shouldn’t talk to your ex

You may be sure that you should talk to your ex, but all your friends and family members may tell you not to. Well, they do actually have a point. Here’s why you shouldn’t talk to your ex. [Read: Kissed your ex or made out with them? What it means & what to do next]

1. You haven’t completely healed

If you keep touching an open wound to see how it is, it’s never going to heal. It’ll get infected, and you’ll be even more in pain. Treat your breakup just like a wound. You have to give yourself time to reflect on it, to work on yourself, to forgive them, or do whatever you have to do.

Once the wound is completely healed, you can reach out to your ex and maybe try again. [Read: 20 wild steps to get over a broken heart & heal like you don’t care]

2. You’re not in a good state of mind

Are you struggling with anxiety, stress, and depression? If the answer is yes, it’s not a good idea to reach out to your ex.

What you need is rest and a lot of work on yourself, not distracting yourself from your own problems by talking to your ex. It’s even worse when they were the one who put you in the bad mental state that you are now. [Read: 15 types of toxic relationships, what causes them & how to get out]

3. The situation can end up being worse

As mentioned before, unless you are 100% sure that you’ll get nothing but closure out of this situation and it’ll bring you peace, do not reach out to them. If the conversation doesn’t go anywhere, you’ll ruin every chance there is for you two to try again in the future.

4. You’ll feel worse after

If the conversation doesn’t go the way you hope, you’ll feel worse after. It’s never a good idea to try to change the ending. [Read: My ex hates me: Why your ex hates you & 19 ways to get past the rage]

5. There’s a better person out there for you

You may think you won’t find someone like them again, but that cannot be more wrong. There are 8 billion people in this world, so there’s always a better person out there for you. Just work on yourself, and when you’re ready, they’ll come.

[Read: How to know if someone is right for you – 23 signs you found the one]

Considering all of these possibilities, is it worth it for you to talk to your ex? In almost every case when you have to ask yourself, “Should I talk to my ex?”, the answer is no.