Self-Sabotaging a Relationship: Why We Do It, 43 Signs & Ways to Break Free

Have you experienced self-sabotage in a relationship? Maybe you’ve done it, but you aren’t even aware of what you’re doing. Here’s how to stop doing it.

Self-sabotage in a relationship. It’s not anything that anyone wants to do or even knows that they’re doing.

But imagine embarking on an exciting jungle expedition, equipped with a map, compass, and bug spray, all set to explore the wild terrains of love and connection.

But instead of following the map, you somehow end up walking in circles, getting lost, and accidentally poking yourself with your own mosquito-repelling tool.

Oops! Welcome to the tangled vines of self-sabotage, where the path to love sometimes leads you astray, right into the thorn bushes!

Now, let’s put down the funny binoculars and delve into some serious psychology. [Read: Power trip – is the psychology of blocking someone about your ego?]

What does it mean to self-sabotage a relationship?

Self-sabotage in a relationship refers to a pattern of behavior, thoughts, or actions, often driven by unconscious motives, that leads an individual to hinder their own success, happiness, or fulfillment within a romantic relationship. 

These behaviors and patterns in self-sabotage are typically unconscious and complex, reflecting a multifaceted interplay of psychological factors, and can often require professional insight and therapeutic intervention to fully understand and address.

Freud’s Defense Mechanisms: A Rational Look into Understanding Self-Sabotage

Sigmund Freud, a key figure in psychoanalysis, identified defense mechanisms as unconscious strategies our mind uses to protect itself from anxiety-arousing thoughts or feelings.

When it comes to self-sabotage, these mechanisms come into play, often derailing our best intentions in relationships. Here’s how it works:

1. Repression

Pushing uncomfortable thoughts and feelings into the unconscious mind. In self-sabotage, you may repress your real desires or fears, causing confusion and conflicting actions in relationships.

2. Projection

Attributing your own unwanted feelings to someone else. This might manifest as accusing others of feelings or motives that are actually your own, contributing to misunderstandings and conflicts. [Read: Hero Complex – what it is, 39 signs, and the psychology of “save the day” syndrome]

3. Denial

Refusing to accept reality or the truth about something. Denying your true feelings or the reality of a situation can lead you to act in ways that undermine your relationship.

These defense mechanisms can create a complex web of self-sabotage, where underlying fears and insecurities dictate your actions without you even realizing it. It’s a manifestation of a subconscious tug-of-war between what you want and what you fear.

Understanding self-sabotage is like learning to navigate the dense foliage of our emotional landscape. [Read: Frustration attraction – why their denial makes you love them harder]

With Freud as our guide and a hearty sense of adventure, we can begin to explore the hidden paths that lead us to stumble in relationships.

The “Why” Behind the Madness: Understanding the Roots of Self-Sabotaging a Relationship

Let’s dive into the “Why” behind the madness of self-sabotage. This is like peeling back the layers of an onion, only less instant tear-inducing!

1. Childhood Attachment Styles: Playing House with Bowlby’s Attachment Theory

John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory shines a light on how our childhood relationships with caregivers pave the way for our adult relationships. Picture it as the building blocks of love.

Secure Attachment

Kids who grew up feeling safe and cared for might find it easier to build trusting, loving relationships as adults. They won the relationship lottery!

Anxious Attachment

This is like being on an emotional roller coaster. Those with this attachment style may constantly fear losing their partner, clinging like that static-charged sock that sticks to your shirt.

Avoidant Attachment

Ever try to hug a cactus? Folks with avoidant attachment may seem prickly and distant, keeping love at arm’s length due to fears of getting close. [Read: Insecure attachment – what it is, types, 23 signs, and how it affects your life]

These childhood attachment styles are like the original recipe for love, shaping how we approach or avoid relationships later in life.

2. Your Fears

All aboard the Self-Sabotage Express! Here’s where things like fears of abandonment, inadequacy, or even success take the wheel.

Fear of Abandonment

This fear drives the “cling like cling film” behavior, making you hold on too tight until you suffocate the relationship. [Read: Abandonment issues – what it is, causes, types, 34 signs and how it hurts you]

Fear of Inadequacy

Feeling not good enough might lead you to undermine your own relationship success. It’s like saying, “I can’t possibly be lovable,” and then acting in ways that make it seem true.

Fear of Success

This one’s the curveball. Some fear success in relationships because they worry they won’t live up to expectations. It’s the “what if I get it and can’t keep it?” conundrum.

Fear of Vulnerability

If opening up feels like opening Pandora’s box of emotions, self-sabotage can be a protective shield. Keeping people at a distance is less scary than revealing your true self. [Read: How to be vulnerable in a relationship, open up, and 28 secrets to grow closer]

Fear of Rejection

Sometimes, we might sabotage a relationship before it gets serious to avoid the potential pain of being rejected later on.

3. Previous Traumatic Experiences

Past wounds can haunt present relationships. If you’ve been burned before, you might unconsciously set fires in new relationships to test your partner’s commitment or to push them away before you get hurt again.

4. Low Self-Esteem and Self-Worth

Feeling undeserving of love and happiness can lead to self-sabotaging behavior. It’s like setting yourself up to fail because deep down, you don’t believe you’re worthy of success. [Read: Low self-worth – 5 steps to see yourself in a better light]

5. The Influence of External Factors

Stressors like work, financial worries, or family pressures can spill into relationships, causing self-sabotage. It’s not the relationship’s fault, but these external issues can make the love boat rockier.

6. Unresolved Personal Issues and Mental Health Challenges

Depression, anxiety, or unresolved personal traumas might lead to self-sabotaging behavior. The complexities of the mind are vast, and sometimes professional help might be needed to understand and navigate these terrains.

Self-sabotage in relationships isn’t a simple one-size-fits-all phenomenon. It’s a multicolored mosaic of psychology, formed from our past, our fears, our self-perception, and even our environment. [Read: 5 Ways volunteer work can help heal depression]

Navigating through this maze requires patience, understanding, and often professional guidance. And knowledge is the first step to untangling the web of self-sabotage.

Self-Sabotage in a Relationship: The Most Common Signs, Pitfalls, and How to Spot ‘Em

Let’s dive into the thorny thicket of self-sabotage by examining common signs and pitfalls. 

1. Creating Unnecessary Drama

This act is like turning a peaceful pond into a churning whirlpool, akin to emotional dysregulation. Why keep things smooth when you can add a sprinkle of chaos?

It’s like having a volume knob that only goes from 0 to 11 on the emotional stereo!

2. Being Overly Critical

Ever watched a minor issue escalate into Mount Everest? That’s Catastrophizing for you! Small mistakes become major crises; it’s not just seeing the glass half empty but shattered and lying in ruins.

3. Procrastination in Resolving Issues

Ah, the fine art of avoidant behavior! Ignoring problems and letting them fester is like letting a small leak flood your relationship basement. Why fix a tiny drip today when you can wade through a swamp tomorrow?

4. Setting Unrealistic Expectations

Idealizing a partner can lead to lofty expectations that no human can meet. It’s like expecting your cat to brew coffee – fantastic in theory, but downright disappointing in reality!

5. Sabotaging Success 

Feeling like a relationship fraud? Welcome to Imposter Syndrome in love! Everything’s great, so something must be wrong, right? It’s like baking the perfect cake and then throwing it out the window just to be sure.

6. Closing Off Emotionally

Shutting down and retreating behind an emotional fortress is a classic sign of emotional withdrawal. It’s like turning your heart into a museum exhibit: interesting to look at but please, no touching!

7. Needing Constant Reassurance

Constantly seeking affirmation and love can signal dependency issues. It’s like a relationship GPS that keeps asking, “Are we there yet?” every two minutes.

8. Picking Fights

Some folks love to poke the relationship bear just to see what happens, a sign of provocation. It’s like poking a sleeping bear with a stick – thrilling, but rarely ends well! [Read: How to resolve conflict – the 15 best ways to cut out the drama]

9. Refusing to Accept Compliments 

Ever met someone who treats compliments like hot potatoes, tossing them right back? This could signal issues with low self-esteem. It’s like having a beautiful singing voice but only performing in the shower because you’re convinced everyone else sings better.

10. Testing the Relationship

Some folks treat love like an endurance sport, seeing how much their partner can withstand. This testing behavior might reveal trust issues. It’s akin to seeing if your house plants can survive without water – intriguing, but not conducive to growth!

11. Fear of Intimacy

Fear of getting close can turn a heart into a fortress. This Avoidant Attachment Style is like building a drawbridge over your emotions. Sure, it keeps the bad guys out, but good luck getting groceries delivered!

12. Constant Comparison with Others

This is an eternal quest for the unattainable perfect relationship, rooted in Social Comparison Theory. It’s like constantly window-shopping for a better love deal while ignoring the treasure you have at home.

13. Over-Controlling Behavior

For some, love must follow a strict GPS route with no unexpected turns, reflecting need for control linked to underlying anxiety. It’s like planning a spontaneous road trip but refusing to leave the highway!

14. Ignoring Personal Needs

Sometimes self-sacrifice turns into self-erasure, driven by co-dependency. It’s like cooking a feast for your partner while you munch on bread crumbs – noble but not sustainable.

15. Falling into the Same Patterns with Different Partners

Repeating destructive patterns in different relationships could hint at unresolved attachment traumas. It’s like dating the same person with a different face – déjà vu, anyone? [Read: Push and pull relationship – 32 signs and truths to unravel love’s tug of war]

Self-sabotage is a complex dance, filled with surprising twists and unexpected dips. Recognizing these signs, intertwined with psychology, lets you glide through the relationship ballroom with grace and wisdom.

A Guided Tour to Stop Sabotaging Love and Growing It Together

We’re all set to take a deeper dive into this guided tour of love enhancement. Buckle up, as we venture into the heart of relationship growth. Here’s how to not only stop sabotaging love but nurture it like a rare orchid in a tropical paradise.

1. Becoming Self-Aware – The Mirror of the Mind

Becoming self-aware is about taking a good look at your behavioral patterns using introspective tools like mindfulness meditation. It’s the practice of sitting down with your thoughts and saying, “Hey, what’s cooking in there?” [Read: 25 Honest, self-reflection questions to recognize the real YOU inside]

Recognizing your triggers, emotions, and biases helps you not play the villain in your love story but become the wise and understanding protagonist.

2. Trust Building Exercises – The Glue of Genuine Connection

Building trust isn’t just about catching your partner in a trust fall; it’s a continuous practice of transparency and reliability. By incorporating exercises from Emotionally Focused Therapy *EFT*, couples can work on the core of trust – vulnerability.

Sharing secrets, fears, and hopes is like slowly building a bridge between two islands of individuality; it’s breathtakingly beautiful when completed.

3. Communication Styles: Assertive, Not Aggressive – The Symphony of Shared Understanding

Communication is the music of relationships, and the right style can turn cacophony into a harmonious melody.

Learning assertive communication through workshops or counseling is akin to finding the perfect rhythm in conversation. [Read: 17 Confident ways to be more assertive and speak your mind loud and clear]

It’s about expressing yourself clearly and confidently without stepping on your partner’s conversational toes. You want to share the dance floor, not dominate it!

4. Setting Boundaries – The Invisible Fence of Respect

Boundaries are the unspoken rules that govern a healthy relationship. Drawing from Transactional Analysis, couples can establish a clear understanding of what’s acceptable and what’s off-limits.

It’s like setting up traffic signals in your relationship’s bustling city – it helps keep things moving smoothly without any collisions.

5. Cultivating a Positive Perspective – The Love Telescope

Emphasizing positive aspects and expressing gratitude builds a foundation of contentment. Using positive psychology principles, couples can foster an environment that emphasizes strengths rather than weaknesses.

It’s like looking at your relationship through a telescope that highlights the stars and overlooks the dark spaces. [Read: 45 Secrets to be more positive and fill your mind with positive emotions 24/7]

6. Encouraging Emotional Intelligence – The Heart’s Intelligence Agency

Understanding and managing emotions, both yours and your partner’s, can elevate your relationship to new heights.

Practicing techniques from Emotional Intelligence Theory enables couples to decode each other’s feelings and react empathetically. It’s like being spies in the service of love, decoding secret emotional messages.

7. Investing in Mutual Growth – The Relationship Greenhouse

Adopting Carol Dweck’s Growth Mindset in a relationship means viewing challenges as opportunities rather than threats.

Growing together involves supporting each other’s personal development and shared dreams. It’s like nurturing exotic plants in a relationship greenhouse – with care, patience, and love, the blossoms are extraordinary.

8. The Magical Potion of Apology – Own Up and Grow Up

Mistakes happen, but it’s how you handle them that counts. Utilizing conflict resolution strategies, owning up to your mistakes and apologizing sincerely can work like a soothing balm.

It’s like spilling coffee on your favorite book but then taking the time to dry each page carefully. [Read: 28 Heartfelt ways to say you’re sorry and apologize to someone you love]

9. The Love Library – Keep Learning Together

Continuous learning about each other keeps the spark alive. Draw from the principles of lifelong learning and embrace curiosity.

Whether it’s discovering a new hobby or exploring a shared interest, it’s like adding new books to your love library. Knowledge is love’s power!

10. The Garden of Compliments – Cultivate Praise

Frequent genuine compliments nourish a relationship. Based on Affirmation Theory, positive words build self-esteem and bond. It’s like planting flowers in your love garden; each compliment is a seed that blooms into joy.

11. The Emotional Weather Report – Check In Regularly

Regular emotional check-ins, inspired by Emotion-Focused Therapy, maintain connection and understanding. It’s like tuning into your relationship’s weather report; you’ll know when to carry an umbrella of support or sunglasses of celebration.

12. The Friendship Bridge – Maintain Mutual Respect

Keep the friendship alive through Rogerian Therapy principles of empathy and non-judgment. Your love started as a friendship bridge; don’t let it crumble under the weight of expectations and judgments.

The Steps to Discuss Your Self-Sabotaging Ways with Your Lover

Let’s narrow down our focus on how to specifically discuss self-sabotaging behaviors with your partner. Here’s a well-structured conversation strategy that’s designed to bring both understanding and closeness.

Remember, it’s all about growing together, not pointing fingers.

1. Start with Self-Awareness

Recognize what specific actions or thoughts might be self-sabotaging in your relationship. [Read: 57 Simple life questions to get to know yourself and truths to visualize your future]

For example, if you tend to pull away when things are going well, this might be a sign that you need to understand why you’re acting this way and what fears might be driving this behavior.

2. Choose the Right Environment

Select a calm and private setting where you can have an open and honest conversation. Rather than bringing up the subject in a crowded restaurant, choose a quiet evening at home. This sets a tone of intimacy and trust, allowing both partners to feel safe and heard.

3. Be Open and Honest

Share your feelings without casting blame, using “I” statements. [Read: How to talk about your feelings in a relationship and grow closer]

Instead of saying, “You make me feel like I need to avoid serious talks,” try, “I’ve noticed that I tend to avoid serious conversations, and I’d like to understand why.” This approach fosters a non-threatening environment, paving the way for empathy and understanding.

4. Use Active Listening

Encourage your partner to speak and show that you truly care about their feelings. By nodding, maintaining eye contact, and responding with validation like, “I understand how you feel,” you foster a connection that goes beyond mere words.

5. Discuss the Underlying Issues

Delve into why these self-sabotaging behaviors might be happening. [Read: How to be less critical – 15 reasons why you judge and how to stop it]

For instance, if you find yourself being overly critical, discuss past experiences that might have led you to develop this habit. Understanding the ‘why’ behind behaviors can illuminate the path to change.

6. Collaboratively Create a Plan

Develop a shared strategy with clear steps and goals to work on these behaviors.

If procrastination in resolving issues is a recurring problem, you and your partner might plan regular check-ins to discuss feelings and progress. This ensures accountability and keeps the momentum going. [Read: 38 Signs and traits of a happy, healthy relationship and what it should look like]

7. Commit to Regular Check-Ins

Agree to ongoing, scheduled conversations to ensure the relationship continues to grow.

By setting aside time, say every Sunday evening, to discuss how you’re both feeling, you create a ritual that nourishes your relationship, ensuring that both of you stay engaged and connected.

By taking these steps, you’re paving the way for a stronger and more resilient relationship. The road might have a few bumps, but with sincerity and dedication, those twists and turns can lead to a beautiful destination. [Read: 24 Sad signs of an unhealthy relationship that ruin love forever]

And hey, who doesn’t love a scenic route in the journey of love?

Grow Your Relationship Tree, Without Cutting It Down

Imagine your relationship as a magnificent tree, with its roots reaching deep into the soil of trust, its trunk standing tall with respect, and its branches reaching out with love and understanding.

Self-sabotage is like an axe that might dent or even cut this beautiful structure, but fear not! You have the gardener’s wisdom now. [Read: How to date when you have low self-esteem and find true happiness]

From the seed of self-awareness to the blossoms of communication, you’ve learned to care for this unique tree.

By recognizing the signs of self-sabotage and embracing strategies to nourish your connection, you’re more than equipped to help your relationship tree flourish.

But hey, the garden of love doesn’t come with a manual; it’s a landscape waiting for your creativity. So, grab your love shovel, put on your heart-shaped gardening gloves, and plant those seeds of trust, empathy, adventure, and joy.

[Read: How to build self-esteem and love life with a few simple life changes]

Remember, when it comes to self-sabotaging a relationship, the growth of your relationship tree is a delightful journey, not a race to an imaginary finish line. Nurture it with patience, water it with kindness, and watch it bloom into something extraordinary.