Pity Sex: What It Is, Why We Have It & Signs You’ve Pity Slept with Someone

What is pity sex? Sex for not exactly the right reasons! If you’re uncertain whether you’ve had pity sex before, let’s check out a few clear signs. 

Sex is a confusing subject sometimes. It really shouldn’t be, because the mechanics of it aren’t particularly difficult, but the emotions involved can be. Most people know if they’ve had pity sex before, but it’s possible you just didn’t recognize it for what it was. Understanding the definition of what is pity sex will help you work out whether that’s the case for you.

Unfortunately, people have pity sex all the time, and there is actually cause for a debate about whether or not this is a good thing.

Many people have differing opinions. On one hand, it can be seen as an act of kindness. But on the complete opposite end, it is seen as harsh and borderline evil.

But in order to make that decision for yourself and even figure out if you’ve experienced pity sex, you’ll need to know what it is first. [Read: The real reasons why your man doesn’t want to have sex]

What is pity sex really?

This type of sex is when you get with someone you feel sorry for. Or vice versa. It could be that someone feels sorry for you and they have sex with you in order to make you feel better.

You see the trouble here? There are two ways you could have engaged in pity sex, and you might not even know which one you were at the time.

You could have even had sex in both of those situations and not even realize you were totally having pity sex. [Read: What crying during sex really means]

The problem is that when you have sex in this way, the other person might feel like there’s something more going on. They might think that you really like them and it’s the start of something beautiful.

However, you only had sex with them because you wanted some and you felt sorry for them. That’s not exactly going to do their confidence much good, is it?

How to know if you’ve had pity sex before

As we mentioned above, there are a couple of different ways you could have experienced pity sex. You could have been the one being pitied, or the person feeling bad for another person.

Here are the signs that tell you which kind you may have engaged in, if at all. [Read: 22 common reasons why women fake an orgasm in bed]

1. You slept with someone after an emotional trauma

If you just had to deal with a really emotionally heavy situation and you ended up having sex with someone right after, it’s probably pity sex. They probably knew about it, they felt bad and wanted to make you feel better.

If you were crying, it was surely pity sex because they wouldn’t really want to have sex with a crying person. They just did it to make you feel better. [Read: Ways to cheer your girl up when she’s down]

2. You had sex after a breakdown or a fight

Even makeup sex can be pity sex. If you just went through an emotional breakdown or had a fight with your significant other and had sex right away, it wasn’t normal sex. More likely than not, it was pity sex.

3. You had sex with someone who dumped you

Now, we’re not really the types to have sex with someone who just broke our hearts, but some people want one last taste before accepting the state of their relationship. That could be you.

If your partner just dumped you and you end up having sex, it’s not breakup sex. It’s pity sex, most likely. They feel bad about breaking your heart so they’ll just do you one more time. [Read: Break up sex and the circumstances when it works]

4. You were being comforted and then ended up having sex

No matter what you were being comforted for, if you had sex as a means to feel better or after someone cheered you up, consider that pity sex.

5. The other person didn’t want to at first but then you got upset

This might be a little more difficult to spot just because most of us don’t want to admit it when someone doesn’t want to do it. If you were trying to get with someone who seemed uninterested at first, it’s pity sex. They didn’t change their mind. They felt bad for denying you.

6. You wanted it, they didn’t at first, but went along with it anyway

You really wanted to have sex with them but they just weren’t into it. If they gave in and did it anyway, and even acted bored and not all there, it was pity sex. [Read: When your partner is not interested in sex anymore]

7. You wanted to make someone feel better

Having sex with someone just to make them feel better is the definition of pity sex. You feel bad. You want to make them feel happy.

Having sex for that very specific reason isn’t normal. If you pity someone and then bang them, it’s very clearly pity sex.

8. You were comforting someone and it got out of hand

It’s one thing to comfort someone with hugs and snuggles. It’s another to have sex with them and let your genitals do the comforting. That’s called pity sex.

This can often happen if you’re trying to make someone feel better and your hugs turn to cuddles. Then the cuddles get a little handsy. [Read: 15 thoughtful ways to comfort someone the right way]

9. They were upset

Again, this has to do with making them feel better. The bottom line is that the other person was not in a sexy, naughty headspace. Instead, they were upset and maybe even crying.

Sure, this can spur them to make a jump for you and have sex with you just to comfort them. But no matter who starts it, it’s still pity sex.

10. You just wanted to “get it over with”

This happens a lot in marriages that aren’t in the best shape. Your spouse wants to get naughty and you’re just not into it. However, you don’t want to upset them and so you do it just to get it over with.

If they want it while you’re not all there and not into it, it’s pity sex. [Read: All the reasons sloppy sex isn’t really fun at all]

11. You didn’t really want to but would feel guilty if you refused

Just like the one above, it’s about your desire to NOT do it. But if you feel guilty about refusing, so you have sex anyways, you’re doing it with pity. You feel bad and guilty so you do it, even though you’re not really interested.

12. You felt guilty afterward

It would’ve felt like you took advantage of someone in a time of sensitivity for them. This might happen if the person was crying and upset and you comforted them. That comfort led to sex and now you feel guilty for taking advantage of them during a rough time for them. That’s pity sex. [Read: Awkward signs you’re having bad sex]

13. You had one last “go” before ending the relationship

Even if the other person wasn’t aware that you were about to break up with them, it’s still pity sex. You basically only had sex with them to heighten their mood before breaking the bad news to them.

Not only is this very selfish, but it’s also pity sex. You know you’re going to upset them and so you already pity them, even though they have no idea about it.

Pity sex isn’t great either way. Whether you’re the one being pitied or you’re doing the pitying, it’s not going to make anyone feel fantastic. Save your sexcapades for when it’s the right reason and you’ll both enjoy it far more.

[Read: Awkward things that happen during sex]

You may not have ever had pity sex before. If you have, you were either being pitied or pitying someone else. These signs can help you know which one.