I Hate My Ex: 21 Reasons Why It’s Okay & Steps to Handle the Rage Positively

Are you asking yourself, “do I hate my ex?” It can be hard to tell if you’re hurting or if you really hate them. Read these tips to find out how you feel.

Being upset with or disliking your ex is completely natural. Your relationship ended, perhaps due to unfavorable circumstances. But there are more productive things that you can do instead of just saying “I hate my ex.”

It is understandable you might feel this way about someone who wronged you in a relationship. Whether they cheated on you, didn’t really make you happy, or were just a lousy partner altogether, your hatred is valid. But hating them is no way to live your life. [Read: 26 honest steps to let go of someone you love and move on & find peace]

Reasons why you might hate your ex

Sometimes, it can be pretty obvious why you hate your ex. For instance, if they cheated on you, yeah, you’re going to hate them.

But for some, the reasons why they hate their ex can be less easy to pin down. Maybe they never did one big bad thing against you, but they did little things that eventually snowballed into upsetting you.

Here are some common, and 100% reasonable, reasons to hate your ex:

1. They betrayed you

Cheating, breaking a promise, and leaving you for someone else are all forms of betrayal that can leave a very deep wound. [Read: 25 ways to let go of resentment, stop feeling bitter & start living]

You have to hate someone who betrayed you, otherwise, what can you do? All of those hurt feelings have to go somewhere.

2. They pushed you to your limit

Through emotional manipulation, abuse, or even just making you pick up their dirty washing behind them, your ex could have pushed you to your limit.

And now they’re gone, and you still have all of that frustration pent up. You can’t put that frustration anywhere else, except into hatred.

3. Your ex has already moved on

But what about everything that you went through? Did that mean nothing? When your ex moves on too quickly after the breakup, it can leave you feeling betrayed, hurt, and hateful.

4. You still love your ex

Ah, maybe not the answer you were expecting. But your hatred could just be your love for that person wearing a sneaky disguise.

After all, hatred is a strong emotion, and we typically don’t dedicate strong emotions toward people that we don’t care about on some level. Sometimes it’s easier to hate someone we love than miss them.

Why does this matter? Well, you can’t live with hatred, that’s just a fact. So, if you do some soul-searching and figure out why exactly you hate your ex, you’ll find it much easier to work on your feelings and eventually let that hatred go. [Read: Honest secrets to let go of the past, be happy, and look to the future]

Negative effects of hating someone

While feeling hate for someone may be natural after a big incident, that feeling should never linger for a long period of time. It turns out that having such negative feelings toward someone actually hurts your own health in many ways.

By feeling so much hate for your ex, you’re putting yourself at risk for high blood pressure, excessive stress, anxiety, and poor circulation. It even causes frequent headaches. All of these symptoms turn into serious conditions if they carry on for too long.

Ways to handle hating your ex

You have your own reasons for hating your ex that are completely justifiable. However, feeling hatred puts you in a terrible mood.

If you can’t describe your past relationship without saying, “I hate my ex,” then you need help in dealing with those emotions. These are all the ways to handle the struggle of hating your ex with grace and maturity.

1. Get some closure

Seek closure about whatever it is you’re so mad about. If they cheated, find out why or with whom. If they just treated you wrongly, get a reason.

Finding closure helps your brain make sense of why you’re so angry, allowing you to release some of that hatred. [Read: How to find closure with yourself after a relationship]

You may not want to know the answers to some of these questions because it may actually hurt you. But it’s the first step to dealing with how much you hate your ex. 

2. Discover your true emotions

Some people decide to feel hatred because it is easier than facing their true emotions. Most of the time, they really feel hurt. They lash out in hatred as a form of protecting themselves.

Decipher how you really feel about it to get your emotions in check. If you’re sad and hurting, then wallow in your pain and deal with those feelings instead of disguising them with hatred.

3. Acknowledge your hatred is harmful

You’ve already read about how bad hating someone is, but when someone is feeling hate, they’ll ignore any warning signs about how bad it can be.

Acknowledge that by hating your ex, you’re not only hurting them, but you’re also causing yourself harm. [Read: Self-discovery after a breakup – how to happily move on]

4. Discuss things with your support system

Your friends and family are there to help you through the tough times. It’s basically in their non-existent support system contracts. They’re there for you to utilize in order to solve problems and be happy.

So confide in your friends and family. Open up to them and tell them what’s going on and how you feel about it. They might have a reasonable point of view since they’re not clouded by hatred for someone.

5. Be mad at the right thing

It’s really easy to hate someone, specifically rather than hating a situation because at least there is someone to take responsibility.

One thing a lot of people do is gear their hate toward someone else when really they just hate what became of a certain situation.

Dig deep and be honest with yourself. Do you truly hate your ex or do you hate the situation? This huge difference completely sways the way you feel about them, and it makes dealing with hating your ex a lot easier.

6. Practice calming mechanisms

Hate makes a person do crazy things if it’s not controlled. If you truly hate your ex and can’t help but go insane and ridiculously angry whenever they’re around, practice calming mechanisms.

Try deep breathing, meditating, or even carrying around a stress ball. Anything to keep you from making a scene or getting so mad you do something you regret. [Read: Put the crazy away – 15 ways to calm the hell down]

7. Keep your distance from them

If you hate your ex, then just stay away from them! It’s that simple.

If you keep your distance from them, you’ll find your hatred diminishes with time since you’re not always being reminded of the person you hate so much.

If you two happen to frequent the same establishments, just don’t go to those places anymore—just for a little while. You don’t have to permanently avoid your ex, but keep away until your feelings of hatred die down.

8. Don’t talk about them to anyone

You’ll only fuel your rage if you constantly bring them up. It might seem helpful to vent about why you hate them so much. The truth is, if you do this ALL the time, it only makes things worse.

Of course, you can discuss your feelings with your support system, but only do that every once in a while. If you’re feeling particularly bothered then talk it out, otherwise, just ignore the subject completely.

9. Realize you may be thinking about things one-sided

Put yourself in their shoes. Maybe there are certain circumstances you don’t understand that might change your feelings for them.

Be a little empathetic and think about how they must feel about what happened. This definitely helps you deal with and even get rid of the hate you feel for them. [Read: Unpopular opinion – why not to seek closure after a breakup]

10. Forgive them

Forgiveness is a very powerful tool you’ll want to utilize if you hate your ex. No matter what they did, no matter how terrible it is, forgive them. Holding onto hate that hurts you is just not healthy.

Forgive them and move on, so you can be happy once more.

11. Make amends—honestly

Since you hate your ex, we’re assuming there was a big, dramatic, terrible event leading to your breakup. If you have been fighting and hurting one another with hateful words, make amends.

Making amends brings you face-to-face with your hatred. It causes you to not only acknowledge how angry you are, but it helps you heal.

So, go to them and request to make amends. You’ll be surprised how much better you’ll feel. [Read: A letter to my ex – here’s what I’ve always wanted to say]

12. Do things that make you happy

What’s the best way to remove hatred from your life? Displace it with happiness!

If you focus on doing things that make you happy, and you prioritize happiness in your life, then you won’t even have time to think about how much you hate your ex.

13. Reach out to family and friends

Now, we already advised you to talk to your support system about the specifics of your breakup, your ex, and why you hate them, but before you can do that you have to reach out to them.

If this breakup is recent, it’s perfectly acceptable that you might feel lonely. When they’re gone it can leave you feeling very alone, especially if you were with this person for a long time.

But you’re never truly alone. Sometimes, just reminding yourself of that by reaching out to your friends and family can make you feel happy and whole. And who knows, maybe that will be enough to help you stop hating your ex.

14. Make healthy choices

Hatred isn’t healthy for you, we’ve already covered this. So, you could think of this journey to get over your hatred for your ex as a sort of health journey.

If you spend your time going to the gym, eating more vegetables, and taking care of yourself mentally, you’ll feel such a positive boost in your energy and your confidence.

And when you’re feeling on top of the world, why would you bring yourself down by hating someone? [Read: 55 secrets & self-love habits to build confidence and realize your worth]

15. Practice breathing exercises

Hatred, and we mean pure rage, can trigger adrenaline reactions. You’ll see red, your hands will be shaking, and you’ll feel aggravated beyond calming down.

When you feel these rage attacks coming on, either in front of your ex or even at just the thought of them, take some deep breaths. Just focus on your breathing and you’ll be okay.

16. Accept that the relationship is over

Your hatred may be a side-effect of lingering feelings. To some extent, your strong feelings are a sign that you still care about them, even if those strong feelings are negative.

But when you truly accept that the relationship is over, you can move on with your life. As you move towards the future, your hatred for your ex may be dropped in the past. [Read: How to let go of a relationship – 17 things to do to walk away unhurt]

17. Seek out professional help

Not every hateful feeling can be remedied by yourself. That’s why there are professionals dedicated to helping you move past such feelings in order to find yourself and happiness again.

There is nothing wrong with taking how much you hate your ex to a professional and allowing them to help you deal with it.

If your hate is so strong that it’s affecting your everyday life, seeking out professional help is the best option.

[Read: Feeling lonely? Here are legit reasons for missing your ex]

It can be normal to have hateful feelings about your ex simply because they were once someone you loved, and now you have to distance yourself. But if your hate is snowballing out of control, you’ll need these tips on how to handle it.