How to Take Control of Your Love Life & Find the Love You Want

When you’ve tried everything from blind dates to dating apps yet you still feel lonely, learn how to take control of your love life.

Whether you’re single or not, feeling lost in your love life is no way to live. Feeling like your love life is out of your control is never a good feeling. Whether you are searching for your person or struggling in a relationship, you can learn how to take control of your love life.

Someone once said that everyone has the exact love life they want. Although I think that is a loose generalization that discounts mental illness, self-awareness, and abusive relationships, it is partly true.

You are in control of the life you live. No, you can’t force someone to date you. You can’t will yourself a happily ever after nor can you fix the person you’re with. But, you do have the power to take control of your love life.

[Read: How to find love and learn to be open to all that life has to offer]

What is out of control in your love life?

Before you can take the power back in your relationships with others or yourself, work out what needs your control. What is it in your love life that you’re unhappy with? What do you feel is out of your control?

Are you feeling hopeless about meeting the right person? Is your relationship feeling more tense than relaxing? Are you fighting to make it work with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself?

What is it that made you seek out this article? What do you want control of?

[Read: Why am I single? 10 things you might be doing that sabotage your love life]

For me, it was dating. I felt like I was constantly meeting terrible guys. Every guy I met was disrespectful, aggressive, or invisible. I wondered if there were only these types of guys left.

Of course, I wondered what I was doing wrong, but nothing came to mind. So, I put my best foot forward and tried not to be bitter about my past. I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt, but I just couldn’t seem to get out of this rut.

I didn’t want to stop dating because I’d never meet someone that way, so what could I do?

Well, I decided to take back control of my love life. Instead of using bad guys as an excuse for why I was single, I thought about dating differently. It took a while to pull myself out of this pattern, but eventually, I was able to go into dating without preconceived notions and met my boyfriend of over a year.

[Read: Banish these hugely false dating ideas from your mind!]

I decided that if I was going to get the love life I wanted, I must take control and take action myself. I couldn’t wait for my prince charming to show up and fix my love life. Instead, I did it myself.

Whether you’re single and trying to amp up your love life or in a relationship that feels like it has a life of its own, you can take control of your love life by pinpointing the issues and attacking them head-on.

How to take control of your love life

Learning how to take control of your love life isn’t as simple as following instructions on how to make a cake. It takes strength, practice, and handwork.

I didn’t find my boyfriend because I changed my mindset overnight. It took working on the way I thought about dating. I had to be open to things not working out. I had to take control of my present in order to get the future I wanted.

And you can do that too.

#1 Stop giving into old patterns. When you’ve been dating a while, it is easy to get comfortable. Even if you meet new people, you can fall into a pattern. You might go to the same place for first dates and share the same stories. If you want to know how to take control of your love life and aren’t happy with how things are going, branch out.

Try new activities on dates. Give into the conversation instead of pulling at your anecdotes. If you’re in a relationship and fight a lot, you don’t have to keep reacting the same way. You can take control of your behavior and have open and honest communication. [Read: 14 unrealistic expectations that can ruin your love life]

#2 Consider why you feel out of control. If you are looking to take control of your love life, it is because something feels out of your control. Is it your partner? Is it your lack of partner? Do you feel like you’re meeting the wrong people?

If you are unhappy with your situation, don’t just think about what is making you unhappy, but why? Why are you meeting the wrong people? Can you try a different dating app? Are you going back to your “type”? Are you used to being in a half relationship, so you revert back to that instead of being truly vulnerable?

Once you’ve nailed down why you feel like you don’t have control, work on that. [Read: 20 practical things to consider before giving up on love]

#3 Realize your worth. Even if you feel confident, underlying self-esteem issues could be what is holding you back. Dating people that aren’t right for you isn’t just about bad luck. When you fall for someone that isn’t right for you, it is because you believe that is what you deserve.

So many people ask why someone keeps reaching out after ghosting, and my answer is always because you let them. You interact with them and give them a chance even though they have shown their true colors. Is it because you’re lonely? Is it because you hope this time will be different?

Once you realize you deserve better than being someone’s second thought or last resort, you will let go of the people that aren’t treating you right and seek out the good ones. [Read: People who ghost and come back – How to handle the zombies of dating]

#4 Do things you want to do. Focus on what you like. Don’t go out on dates because you feel like you’re wasting time if you don’t. If you prefer to hang out at home with your friends baking, do that.

Your single time is only wasted if you aren’t enjoying yourself every moment you can. Do activities you’re interested in. I’m not saying to stop dating and wait for the right person to show up at your door, but making finding the right person your main goal neglects the rest of your life.

#5 Accept all outcomes. This was the hardest part for me when I was taking control of my love life. I would build up so much anxiety on dates because I expected it to work out. I was overthinking which made me cancel dates that I didn’t feel would go somewhere.

Instead, I went into dates thinking a relationship was the only acceptable outcome. Once I was able to have hope, but release those expectations, I felt so much calmer going on dates. I didn’t need to be head over heels for who I was meeting just open to all outcomes.

Once I accepted that a date could lead to a relationship, a second date, or nothing, I was able to go into dating with a lot more positivity. [Read: How to remain hopeful while dating and not let heartaches stop you]

#6 Let go of the past. If you want to learn how to take control of your love life, remember that your past teaches you a lot of lessons, but letting it control you means you aren’t controlling yourself. You can better see red flags, know what you want and don’t want, and even be more cautious.

These are all good things, but when you let trust issues from the past control your present, you aren’t learning anything but carrying your past along for the ride to your future. This prevents you from seeing all outcomes and truly being vulnerable. [Read: 14 first date red flags that speak a lot more than your date says]

#7 Stop predicting the future. The same way the past shouldn’t control you, your future shouldn’t either. Of course, you have plans and ideas about your future, but if you let that take over for living in the present, it will pass you by before you even realize it.

Learning how to take control of your love life is about appreciating the moments. Experience each date. Stop planning to be married by a certain age. Stop putting your expectations onto others. This can make you feel in control but you miss what is happening now. [Read: Dating for a month? Realistic expectations you need to keep in mind]

#8 Stop waiting. Don’t wait around for something that may never come. Whether your partner makes promises that never come true or that guy you met once isn’t texting back, waiting takes control away from you.

If you want a certain love life, waiting will not make it happen. Waiting for someone to call, ask, or text only leaves you feeling out of control and hurt. If you stop waiting for others to make a move, you can make your own.

#9 Stop responding before thinking. If you’re in a relationship filled with anger or tension, it is easy to blame our partner. We victimize ourselves because they picked a fight, criticize, or recede from the partnership. I’m not saying to take the blame yourself, but instead of reacting to their behavior as if you have no other choice, think about your behavior.

If they ignore you, are you ignoring them back? If they criticize you, do you snap and yell? Is your behavior what you would qualify as acceptable from someone else? Blaming others for your responses leaves you feeling out of control when in fact you have power over your actions.

Instead of falling into a pattern of arguments, try a different approach that will actually resolve the problem at hand. [Read: Why you keep having the same fight: How to break the unhealthy cycle]

#10 Trust yourself. Trust your gut. When you lose trust in yourself, you put it in others. That prevents you from making your own choices and doing what you want. You want things to feel right to you.

If a partner or date tells you you’re crazy or overthinking or even paranoid when you feel valid in your feelings, don’t give into that. Trust yourself because you know yourself better than anyone else.

When I was dating, I was very cautious about meeting strangers online. I made sure to get their full name, give it and their number to multiple people I trusted and always met in public. I had a number of guys tell me I was paranoid or crazy because I didn’t want them to know where I lived.

And I knew I was overly cautious, but it made me feel safe. Most guys didn’t understand that and insisted on picking me up for a date. Instead of giving in to their pressure, I didn’t go out with them. I trusted my instincts.

When I met my boyfriend, I told him the same thing. I wanted to meet in public at first because you never know. Instead of gaslighting me, he was respectful of my wishes. Trusting myself was the best thing I could have done.

[Read: Should you meet your Tinder match? When, where, and how to stay safe!]

If you want to change your love life, start by making a few small changes in the direction you want. With these methods, you can learn how to take control of your love life and feel free to do what you want. And most of all, you’ll be happier too!