How to Handle a Head Pusher Gracefully Without Losing Your Own Head

There is nothing more annoying and mood killing than a head pusher. Learn how to handle the situation without completely killing the mood.

Think back for a second to a possible head pusher situation you’ve been in. Have you ever been in a progressively sexy type of situation and suddenly you find your head being pushed not-so-subtly towards your partner’s nether regions?

It’s quite the mood killer, right?

You’re in the moment, everything is going well, you’re really feeling it, you’re going with the flow. Suddenly up is now down, and you’re faced with an eyeful of crotch. Of course, your partner is silently communicating to you that they want you to go down the oral route, but come on, surely there’s a better way to go about it!

For some people, the head pusher routine isn’t a problem for them. If that’s the case, fine, you don’t need to learn how to handle it because you don’t mind it. However, if you’re like me and many others, you’re really not fond of having your head pushed, bluntly or gently, towards someone’s genitals. In that case, how do you address the problem without totally killing the vibe and the mood in the room. How do you get them to understand that it’s a problem for you?

Communication.

[Read: How to be an adult: 15 mature ways to handle situations like a grown up]

Why is the head pusher routine an issue?

It’s an issue if you don’t like it. You don’t have to explain yourself or have a reason why. You just know that you don’t like it and that’s enough. However, think about what it actually means too.

When someone pushes your head down towards their crotch, without words or anything else, they’re basically demanding that you go down on them. They’re not asking, they’re not hinting, they’re not doing anything but saying “okay, it’s time now.”

Not very sexy is it? It’s not very romantic either.

[Read: The sex buzzkill – what will kill the mood in the bedroom fast!]

Such an intimate act really needs some kind of build up, without being demanded. It also needs consent from you that you’re happy to do it. This is the same for one night stands as it is for long term relationships. You shouldn’t feel pressure to give someone a little oral loving unless you choose to do so from your own free will.

While most people who do the old head pusher routine aren’t doing so in a malicious way, it’s important that they realize it could be taken that way.

Some people do this playfully. They give you a nudge in that direction because they’re not really sure of how to ask you to do it in words. They’re embarrassed, so they try and nudge you in that direction to get you to take the hint. However, you must say that if they’re too embarrassed to ask for what they want, they shouldn’t be doing it in the first place!

Personally I say this, if you’re not comfortable with having your head pushed or even nudged towards someone’s genitals, it’s an issue and should stop.

But, how?

[Read: How to talk about sex with your partner without sounding weird]

How to handle a head pusher without ruining the moment

Firstly, you probably don’t want to make a huge deal out of it. You’re pretty sure that they’re not doing this in a malicious way. It’s probably a playful, in the moment thing. Let’s be honest, some people learn these things from watching porn. They assume this is what you do, but it’s not something everyone likes either!

The best way to handle it is just to tell them that you don’t like it when they do that. The next time they do the head pusher routine, gently move their hand from your head. Then, say in a gentle yet quite firm way “please don’t do that, I don’t like it.” If you’re happy to continue down the oral route, do it with your own free will, without needing to be pushed. If you’re not happy to continue down that route, just don’t do it. Do something else instead, or stop completely. Whatever you’re happy with.

[Read: Don’t be run over – learn how to stand up for yourself in your relationship]

You have to communicate this dislike to your partner otherwise how are they supposed to know that you don’t like it? If you simply take the hint every time they push your head in that direction, they might assume that you quite like it and carry on doing it. You can only break the routine by speaking up. You don’t have to do this in an accusatory “don’t do that to me!” way. Simply gently suggest that the next time they want you to give them head, they just tell you.

If the head pusher takes offense and gets all uppity about it, well, that’s their problem. You should also question whether you want to continue being intimate with someone who acts in such a childish way when you point out a dislike to them. However, for the most part, they’ll simply stop doing it and realize that it’s not something you appreciate. Again, they might just think that you do like it and that’s why they’ve carried on with it.

Far too may people are scared to be vocal about what they do and don’t want in the bedroom, but it also covers the things you don’t like happening to you. This is an intimate and vulnerable moment, you should feel safe and secure every step of the way. If  having your head pushed makes you feel unsafe, a trigger, or just a pet hate, you are well within your rights to say so, and you should do so every single time. [Read: 15 things girls do that can turn a guy off in bed]

Failure to do this means the head pusher will just carry on, and who can blame them? They’ve not been told otherwise and you’ve been happy to go along with it. They’re not a mind-reader. Being mature enough to have sexual encounters, whether full on or not, means you being mature enough to speak about it and communicate your needs, likes, and dislikes too. Sure, it can be a little cringey, but without forming the words, nothing will change.

[Read: How to have a difficult conversation without losing your nerve]

Despite all of this, the head pusher routine has been around for eons. Again, it’s down to the porn influence. In porn movies, it’s traditionally the guy who pushes the woman’s head down towards his crotch. A silent sign that it’s time for oral.

In these films, the woman normally just complies and goes for it, but we all know that porn isn’t realistic and isn’t real life. You don’t have to just go for it. You don’t have to simply put up with it. If you don’t like it, you can say so. I urge you to say so! [Read: 25 common porn myths that people still believe]

However, it might be that you actually like it. Some people do. In that case, keep going with it! We all have our own unique likes and dislikes when it comes to sex. No one should judge you on what you like and don’t like sexually. As long as your partner is on the same page as you, there’s really no issue. You should both carry on enjoying yourself behind those closed doors.

[Read: How far is too far for you? How to have boundaries in dating]

The head pusher routine is as old as the hills. Your encounter is about to take a turn towards oral, but what if you don’t like it? You owe it to yourself to speak up and ask your partner to stop doing it.