Frustration Attraction: Why Their Denial Makes You Love Them Harder

Life and love are confusing things, causing us to see things differently to reality. Frustration attraction is one of them—proceed with caution!

Matters of the heart are rarely easy to deal with. One part of you sees it as wonderful and you can’t stop smiling. While the other part of you is terrified something will come along and ruin it, or everything is going wrong and you can’t help but wish it would end. A simple case of frustration attraction.

Love is wonderful, right?!

There is one very real danger that we all have to deal with—a case of the rose tinted spectacles. What does this mean? Basically, you’re developing frustration attraction.

What is frustration attraction?

When you’re rejected by someone you like, or when a relationship ends, you go through several stages. First, you’re angry, then you’re heartbroken. After, you’re not sure what you feel. However, at some point you look back over your time and see things in a possibly distorted manner.

[Read: How to stop thinking about your ex what could have been before it ruins your future]

The reality is that your crush wasn’t really ever interested or you didn’t really like them in the first place.

Or if it’s a matter of your ex, your relationship was full of arguments and problems, but when it’s over, you start to focus on the good times you had. You push out the bad times. They’re very real and the solid reason why your relationship is over, but you don’t focus on that. You only see the times you laughed, the times you smiled, and all the good memories.

It’s dangerous, quite frankly.

What causes frustration attraction?

We become frustrated in life for many different reasons, usually when we don’t get what we want or something turns out to be a little more difficult than we had anticipated. In relationships, frustration attraction can occur for two reasons. You’ve been dumped or rejected.

[Read: How to handle rejection without making a food of yourself]

Both pretty terrible situations, I’m sure you’ll agree, but they’re key reasons why frustration attraction occurs.

When it does, being spurned or dumped by someone makes you want them even more, simply because they’re out of reach. If you’re rejected by someone, the same kind of thing happens, you chase them because you’re sure that being with them would be wonderful.

Again, you wear rose tinted spectacles. Remove them ASAP!

You avoid the bad times and the why a relationship ended; instead, you focus solely on the good times. It distorts reality. In addition, refusing to see that someone just doesn’t want to be with you, means you’re kidding yourself. Don’t waste time chasing someone or dreaming about someone who isn’t meant to be a part of your life.

Surely it’s better to focus on finding someone who can’t wait to spend time with you? They’re out there, and you deserve them!

[Read: 5 steps to see yourself in a better life and find your self-worth]

What to do if you develop frustration attraction

The problem with frustration attraction is that it can feel undeniable. It’s a pull that you can’t help but follow, an itch that demands to be scratched. However, by following it or scratching it, you lead yourself down a pretty dark path. You’re wasting your time and damaging your own view of things.

If you really do feel like you’re struggling with frustration attraction, obviously, first, identify it. Force yourself to see things as they really are. Remember the bad times, balance them up with the good, and recall the reason why it ended. If it’s someone you pursued but found out they didn’t feel the same way, focus on some of the negative points to help balance out what you see. There’s bound to be some, nobody is perfect!

The problem is, when rejected by someone, whether you were actually in a relationship with them and it ended, or you tried to make your friendship more and failed, it’s easy to convince yourself that everything would be wonderful if you were with them.

You imagine scenarios in your mind and the more you do it, the more miserable you become. You’re living in your imagination. It’s time to step out of it and live life as it really is.

[Read: How to find yourself when you feel like you’ve lost your way]

Imagining these scenarios is the number one way to force frustration attraction into your life. It will cause you to chase the imaginary situation you have dreamed up, but in truth, you’re chasing nothing more than a scene from a soap opera. If your relationship ended and didn’t want it to end, you might wish that you could bump into them. You’d imagine bumping into them when you’re dressed up and looking amazing, and hope that they realize how much they desire you and immediately text or call you to start things up again.

The truth is that it’s not likely to happen. Don’t go hanging out at their usual haunts and try and bump into them. They’re not going to have an epiphany. And this whole act of pursuing them while appearing uninterested just makes you look a little desperate.

[Read: How to let go of your fear of being alone and find peace with your life]

False hope leads to misery

Look, I’m not trying to dull your shine or make you feel negative, but it’s important to see things how they really are. Being dumped or rejected isn’t fun.

We’ve all been there. Every single person on the planet at some point or another has been dumped or rejected. It is a part and parcel of being a human being. While it’s hard to shrug it off and go about your day, it’s really what you need to try your best to do. Of course, it’s a little easier if you weren’t yet in a relationship with the person, and far harder if you’ve suddenly found yourself single after a period of time being part of a couple.

[Read: Learn how to be happy if you’re single again and explore your single freedoms!]

Frustration attraction is completely within your control, but it means you must know exactly what you’re doing to stop it becoming a problem. At its core, this reaction is nothing more than clinging on to false hope.

Not only are you wasting your time, but you also cause yourself more hurt over the long term. You’re not coming to terms with the end of the relationship or allowing yourself to understand where you truly are. [Read: 13 painful and soul crushing signs your crush really doesn’t like you back]

It’s going to hurt. In fact it’s worse than ripping a Band-Aid off, but it’s necessary. Clinging on to false hope simply makes your heartbreak last for longer. Nobody should wallow in misery for longer than they really need to! It’s part of the recovery process when a relationship ends. It should be followed to heal and move on.

Sure, rejection hurts. It damages your ego and ruins the hope you had, but surely it’s better to know the truth than to go around living in a fantasy? Don’t wast your time clinging to someone who doesn’t want to be with you in that way. Instead, spend your time with someone who thinks you’re as amazing as you really are! [Read: How to stop thinking about someone you still like]

So, how can you tell when frustration attraction is coming your way? The biggest sign… you just can’t let it go. To identify this, be honest with yourself. Sit down and have a word in your own ear and tell yourself some strong, and probably quite harsh, truths. It will be unpleasant, that’s true, but it won’t sting for long. You’ll feel far better for it.

[Read: How to stop self-destructive behavior and change your life for good]

Frustration attraction forces you to see things in a positive light. The reality tells you something different. You live in the past and focus your attention on something not meant to be.