Foster Girlfriend: Do You Always Seem to Be Stuck in the Role?

A foster girlfriend teaches someone to be a good partner, before they set themselves free and become the right one for someone else.

I’m going to admit something now. This is something I avoid shouting about from the rooftops because, truth be told, I’m not particularly proud of it. I have often played the role of serial foster girlfriend.

It’s annoying. I put in all the hard work only for someone else to benefit from my tears, frustration, and stress. You could argue that I’m doing my bit for society, but let’s be honest, nobody wants to put themselves through drama for no good reason.

I always wanted to be a teacher when I was younger. Honestly, this isn’t the type of teaching I envisaged!

[Read: Do you keep finding yourself in a push and pull type of relationship?]

What is a foster girlfriend?

Let me rewind for a second.

A foster girlfriend is a girl who has a pattern of dating men who have no interest in anything serious. She dates them, they leave her, and end up committing to someone else, and enter a serious relationship as soon as they end the relationship with her.

Why do you end up becoming the foster girlfriend? Well, you think ‘okay’ and go with it anyway, because you never know what might happen, right?

The problem? The person isn’t looking for anything serious with you, but after they leave you, they become a long term and very committed partner to someone else, soon after your relationship ends.

[Read: How to date when you have low self-esteem and find true happiness]

Being a foster girlfriend is confusing. And it hurts.

It’s confusing. They didn’t want anything serious, but somehow fall into a full-blown, super-serious relationship? That’s some pretty swift mind-changing there!

After this has happened a few times, it’s easy to become disillusioned with the whole dating world. You wonder what you’re doing wrong, you think that maybe you’re just not such a great girlfriend and that’s why these people leave you and hook up with someone else over the long term. The truth isn’t that at all.

There is nothing wrong with you, just like there was nothing wrong with me. All you need to do is look carefully at your dating habits and perhaps tweak them at a little.

Where do you go wrong, and how do you end up as a foster girlfriend?

The problem I always had, and my biggest dating habit issue number one, is that I always used to go for bad boys. Yes, I was that girl. It’s not that I thought I could change them in any way, but maybe deep down I wanted to. It’s simply that I was attracted to the rollercoaster of emotions and the major highs. Of course, after those highs came crashing lows.

[Read: 16 clear signs you’re just not ready for a serious relationship]

Sticking with the same type of person when you’re dating is bad news all around. You have no idea what you’re missing, and the ideal person for you could be out there waiting, hanging around, getting lost, and totally missing out. You’re there going from disaster to disaster, always getting hurt and feeling like you’re doing something wrong.

The only thing you’re doing wrong is choosing the wrong type of person to date!

[Read: Bad boy, bad attitude: How to stop falling for the wrong guy]

Take a step back from dating and reset

Ladies, if you constantly find yourself the foster girlfriend, stop dating for a while. Yes, I know, not fun! Let’s be clear here. You need to be happy within yourself before you can have a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

I used to jump from bad relationship to bad relationship, some of which you couldn’t even call relationships. Somehow I thought it made me feel better. Truthfully, I was lonely because of these guys and didn’t have the best relationship with myself. [Read: 15 signs of a bad relationship you should never ever tolerate]

A little time out, focused on me with a little fun with my friends, helped me reset. It was great, and you know what? It worked! The next time I did venture out into the dating pool *horrible place, seriously*, I didn’t find myself stuck in the foster girlfriend zone.

I valued myself far more, and it helped me to find someone who wanted to have that serious relationship with me, and not someone he was going to meet after me.

[Read: 10 signs of low self-esteem and 5 ways to increase it]

It’s not your fault, not completely anyway

Firstly, don’t think that this foster girlfriend situation is your fault. It’s not. But in some ways you do have to take a little of the blame. If you keep going after the same type of person, you can’t expect anything to change.

So, take some time out for yourself. Secondly, consciously date people outside of your regular ‘type’. Go on, give it a go. How do you know that you’re not missing out on someone amazing? Avoid always going for looks or body; it’s shallow but something every single one of us has done at some point in their dating lives. Instead, focus on personality, how much they make you laugh, and whether they have the same values as you. [Read: What is a relationship of convenience and why do people even get into one]

Keep things light and fun, but make sure that you dedicate enough time to the relationship. Of course, you should also make sure that you maintain your friendships and keep a little time to one side for yourself.

That is another huge mistake I made earlier in my dating life and it’s something that many women do. We become so enamored with the new beau in our lives that we somehow forget everything else exists. Our friendships fade a little, and it’s a big, big mistake. Always keep your friends close. Don’t allow a relationship to change the connection you have. Also, don’t de-prioritize your interests and goals in life for a new partner either.

[Read: How to focus on yourself in a relationship and focus on yourself]

Prioritize yourself

Doing these things makes a prospective long-term partner think that you’re not strong enough to hold your own. You need to be someone who prioritizes everything in their life and not just someone who drops everything for the new person they’ve just met.

Don’t be that woman, please. If you do this, you’ll simply attract the ones who want to walk all over you, keep you firmly in the foster girlfriend bracket, and then when they meet someone who takes their fancy, they leave. You’re stuck wondering what went wrong. [Read: 16 things you make sure you do to respect yourself in a relationship]

The other thing? Don’t assume that you can change someone. If they tell you they don’t want something serious, just listen to them and take it at face value. Don’t try to read between the lines and think that if you spend enough time together they’ll fall head over heels in love with you and want to stay with you forever.

If someone tells you they’re not ready for something serious, believe them and go and find someone who is. This is probably the worst thing you can do in a dating situation. It’s something which will 100% put you in the foster girlfriend bracket time and time again. [Read: 15 signs he clearly doesn’t want anything serious with you]

Believe me when I say that self-respect is super-attractive and by sticking with something that you know isn’t right because you’re clinging onto hope that it might change, you’re not showing yourself any respect at all.

They might change, possibly, but it’s a slim chance. In the meantime, you could be missing out on building a lasting relationship with someone who is really great. Even if you’re not, you’re missing out on happiness and calmness within yourself, and not a constantly dramatic rollercoaster ride with the wrong person.

[Read: Why you need to get off your white horse and save yourself first]

As a foster girlfriend, you’re probably going to do a lot of the kissing frogs. In the meantime, do the ground work and focus on the relationship you have with yourself.