Cushioning in Dating: 14 Signs, Reasons & Why People Cushion Others

Cushioning is a tactic to keep options open when you’re dating or in a relationship. Here are the signs, why it’s bad, and how to avoid being cushioned.

A decade or so ago, when we shut someone down and stopped dating, we just did it. We didn’t have to call it ghosting. When a guy led a girl on, we just said he was playing her, we didn’t call it breadcrumbing. And now cushioning in dating is another load of shit. Something close to breadcrumbing, it stems from someone being too insecure to face their own lack of self-esteem.

[Read: What is breadcrumbing and why it’s a shameless thing to do for an ego boost]

What is cushioning? 

The word cushioning means that you put a buffer between something fragile and things that might hurt it. So, it would make sense that an insecure person would put their fragile ego behind the cushioning of admirers just in case.

Like keeping your options open, when a person cushions themselves with dating potentials, they make themselves feel less fragile to being alone. Pathetic really, they string several people along just in case the one they are currently dating decides to break up with them. [Read: What is ghosting – What really happens and how they do it]

The word “cushioning” doesn’t sound too bad. But it really is – especially when you are in an established relationship with someone. It’s a form of emotional cheating.

In other words, you’re not physical cheating, but you’re flirting and engaging in behavior with someone else with a potential romantic interest – and you’re not telling the person you’re currently dating about it.

However, when you first start dating someone, then the lines are a bit more blurred. If you haven’t established exclusivity yet and ate still in the talking stage, then it could make more sense to keep your options open before you make a commitment to one person. But that’s really the only scenario in which it is acceptable. [Read: The talking stage – What it is and how to progress to exclusivity soon]

Why do people cushion? 

Here’s what cushioning is at its core. Basically, it’s the fear that a relationship won’t work out. It is rooted in avoidance, fear, and insecurity in a partnership. When you give in to that fear, then you have already set the relationship up for failure because, in essence, you’re looking for a way out.

Essentially, cushioning is self-serving behavior. They just want to have a lot of options at the expense of their partner and anyone else. And having one foot out the door is a recipe for disaster.

The most common signs you’re being cushioned by someone right now

Now that we know what cushioning is, let’s look at some tell-tale signs that it’s happening in your relationship with someone.

Of course, you may THINK you’re in a real relationship with them. But your partner who’s cushioning you may just be stringing you along, while stringing along a few other people as well, just in case your “relationship” doesn’t work out!

1. Overprotective of their phone

If the person you’re dating always has their phone on them, and even in some over-the-top ways, then that is a big sign of cushioning.

For example, if they always have their phone in their pocket, in their hand, and never within their partner’s reach, there is a problem. Even worse, if they have bizarre behaviors like sleeping with their phone under their pillow or leaving the room every time they text or get a phone call, something shady is going on. [Read: Micro-cheating – What it is and signs you’re unintentionally doing it]

2. Hot and cold behavior

One day the person you’re dating seems really into you and everything seems normal. They might even appear to be very in love with you.

But then some other day, they are very disconnected and hardly even want to talk to you. As someone who is being cushioned, you may be very confused by this hot-and-cold behavior. You can’t figure out whether your partner is committed or if they have their foot out the door. [Read: Blowing hot and cold – The 3 stages to explain why someone does this]

3. Secretive on social media

Let’s say you’re out with your lover at a concert, and you take photos together. Then, you post it on social media and tag your partner. If they don’t accept the tag or reveal any kind of sign that they’re spending time with you, that means they don’t want other people to know they’re in a relationship with you.

The reason for this is that they’re keeping their options open and cushioning you at the same time. Also, if they always close up their social media whenever you walk by, you know they have something to hide! [Read: How to tell if someone is using you – 22 signs a user just can’t hide]

4. Intimacy is fading

In a good, healthy relationship, there will be a good amount of physical and emotional intimacy. So, when someone is cushioning in a relationship, that intimacy is slowly – or not so slowly – fading away.

Sex becomes less and less. And the amount of quality time they spend together declines too. The time that they do spend together is spent not talking or connecting with one another. That’s probably because their attention is going to someone else. [Read: A lack of affection and intimacy – is it time to walk away?]

5. Vague with their plans

When someone is cushioning their partner, they won’t be very forthcoming about their whereabouts or the plans they have.

If you ask them what they are doing on any given day, they will say “I’m not sure yet,” as they walk out the door. Also, they don’t really want to plan anything long-term with you, the weekend may be the furthest they see with you!

That’s because they are keeping their options open and don’t want to commit to something with you, just in case something more interesting comes up with someone else! [Read: The most painful signs he’s not into you and it’s time you walked away]

6. Putting less effort into the relationship

Maybe at the beginning of the relationship, they were very attentive. They always planned date night, bought you cute gifts, and wanted to cuddle with you all the time.

But if they aren’t putting any of that effort in anymore, there is a reason. Some of that is normal, but if they never want to work on the relationship, it’s probably because they’re cushioning and don’t want to invest any more into the relationship.

7. They reply to others faster than their partner

When you send them a text or call them, they take a long time to reply to you. But when they are with you in person, it’s obvious that they take other people’s texts and calls immediately! That’s probably because you’re not a high priority anymore. They are probably cushioning you with one – and possibly more – people. [Read: Emotional cheating vs. friendship – The point when a line is crossed]

Reasons why cushioning just doesn’t work

Although the younger generation loves labeling everything these days, the practices they are putting a label to have existed forever. Keeping someone waiting in the wings is not a new practice, but the fact that people admit it and put it right out there is.

Just as an FYI to all you daters who think having two adoring fans around makes you desirable, it just makes you extra stupid and will probably end in you losing both of them. [Read: Are you an attention whore? 16 ways to know for sure]

1. People aren’t all the same

If you are keeping another person around as your backup, stop doing it. Don’t try your bullshit out on the extra one to see how it will go over on the one you are with.

Chances are good that they are two completely different individuals and what will work with one doesn’t necessarily mean that it will work with another. The person you are cushioning isn’t your lab rat… let them loose!

2. If they find out, you lose both

If one of them finds out you’re cushioning them, you are likely to lose them both. First, if the one you are having a relationship with finds out you have been whispering sweet nothings to someone else, whether you are actually “with” them or not, they will see it as a betrayal, and you are going to be history.

If the person you are keeping around for your cushion finds out that they are being used and played, good luck. Hell hath no fury… they are going to make sure that your significant other finds out in whatever way they can. [Read: Love triangles and the confusing complications it can create for you]

3. It isn’t nice

If you think that you aren’t hurting anyone because you technically aren’t cheating, you are. Giving your emotions to someone other than the person you are with is cheating.

Also, if you are keeping someone hanging on because you want to make sure you have a backup plan, you are hurting them by pretending that they are someone to you.

All the way around, you are just being a jerk… so quit it, and make your relationship your one and only. Someday they are going to find out, and it is going to backfire, and you know what? Karma is a bigger bitch than a lover who has been screwed over. That we can guarantee. [Read: Why you need to stop playing relationship games right now!]

4. It won’t ever provide you comfort

If you think that cushioning is your way of ensuring that you aren’t alone and that your ego is being fed constantly, guess what? The act of cushioning isn’t providing you anything but angst.

Somewhere deep inside, you know what you are doing is wrong and it isn’t making you feel good about yourself, even if you think it is *unless you are a sociopath and don’t care about anyone else*.

Secondly, it isn’t making you feel like your relationship is any more stable. In fact, if you were so certain that the person you are with is the “one,” then you wouldn’t even chance or want to have another one hanging around as an extra just in case.

It isn’t giving you anything but anxiety and ensuring that you can’t free yourself to be 100% in the right relationship. [Read: Is flirting cheating when you’re in a relationship?]

5. You have to choose eventually

If you aren’t ever all in, then you won’t ever find love. It is difficult to feel as if you’ve put all your emotional eggs in one basket. What if it doesn’t work out?

That is the thing though, if you don’t put your eggs in one basket, you will never know for sure if it is working because you won’t take the leap of faith that it takes to fall head over heels.

There is going to be a time when you are going to have to choose. Are you sure that if you start cushioning that you are ever going to decide you are all in… or are you going to spend your lifetime cushioning yourself and your heart from real love? [Read: What to do when you like two people at the same time]

6. You can’t replace love

The whole idea behind cushioning is that if someone is to break your heart and break up with you, you have someone to be with and won’t be alone. The only way that you can ever be alone is if you choose it.

If someone breaks your heart, you can’t just replace them with the next in line. That isn’t real, and it isn’t real love.

People aren’t replaceable by simply numbering them according to who is next in line. If you lose the love of your life, the one waiting in the wings isn’t going to take the sting away.

7. If you are cushioning, you are with the wrong person

So, you might be telling yourself that you are keeping people around because you don’t want to be alone if something should happen.

But the thing is that if you were really in love and had found the “one,” then you wouldn’t feel the need to cushion because you wouldn’t ever let that person out of your life, to begin with. [Read: Emotional cheating and the bad things it can do to you]

How to avoid being cushioned by someone

Now that you know what cushioning is, the signs, and why it’s bad, you might be wondering how you can avoid being cushioned by someone. 

Well, knowing the signs of cushioning is a big start. Look out for some of these behaviors, and if you have a gut instinct that something shady is going on, it probably is.

In essence, the only way you can avoid being cushioned by someone is to be on the lookout. Observe every behavior, and even call them out on it. Refuse to be treated that way. Have some self-respect and cut them off if you find that they might be cushioning you. [Read: 15 signs he’s seeing someone else and you think he’s just dating you]

Why cushioning doesn’t help anyone in the long run

The practice of cushioning isn’t a dating tactic, it is a sign that you aren’t with the person your heart wants to be with forever, or that you aren’t ready for a commitment. Either way, it isn’t the right time to be serious with anyone, and you should be honest and let everyone involved know. [Read: 24 critical signs of a really unhealthy relationship]

Cushioning has been around forever. If we aren’t secure about ourselves, or our relationships, it is easy to keep people hanging on as an extra just in case.

The problem is that cushioning isn’t only a jerk move, it is totally working against you. You can’t replace love lost by going to the next girl or guy in line. It is STILL going to hurt if you break up.

Even worse, you could end up hurting more than just yourself; you could hurt everyone that you are messing with. Stop keeping extras around and focus on one.

[Read: To cheat or not to cheat? A guide to help you make up your mind]

If they don’t work out, then find someone else. What is the point of cushioning while dating someone and keeping someone else in the wings? It is just emotional baggage that isn’t doing you, or anyone, any good.