Am I Lesbian or Bisexual? How to Get to Know Your Hidden Desires

Do you ever wonder ‘am I lesbian or bisexual?’ Maybe you’ve had feelings or an actual experience. Either way, it may not be as cut and dried as you think.

You might be surprised to learn that many women have fantasies about having a lesbian encounter, and it can often bring about a certain amount of confusion. The truth is, a fantasy or even a one-off experience doesn’t necessarily mean that you should spend time considering your sexuality. But, if you’re regularly asking yourself ‘am I lesbian or bisexual,’ that could mean that you need to do some soul-searching and find out for yourself.

If this sounds like the situation you’re in, don’t worry.

For some, it will mean that they may be attracted to women or maybe men and women, but it could also just be a fantasy in your mind that you don’t actually want to fulfill in reality.

[Read: List of sexualities – 15 gender orientations you need to know about]

Most women are curious about sex with another woman

If you ask most women *perhaps when they’ve had a glass of wine or two* whether they’ve ever thought about having sex with another woman or fantasized about it, they’ll tell you yes.

Some won’t want to admit it, and that’s fine, but it’s pretty likely they’ve considered it. For the most part, it’s not something they would do in reality, but it’s a common idea.

The reason is curiosity.

Most women are curious about what it would be like to have a sexual experience with another woman. Some women even get super-turned on by watching lesbian porn, but it doesn’t mean that they’re lesbians themselves.

We all get turned on by many different things and for some, it can be watching two women get it on. [Read: A straight girl’s view on the seduction of girl on girl porn]

It’s also possible that you may have an attraction to another woman. It could be a sexual attraction that comes and goes, or it might be respect that you misunderstand to be attraction. It might confuse you, especially if you still have sexual feelings and affection towards your male partner, or other men.

Many people are bisexual, but many are also bi-curious. [Read: The 12 most common bisexual stereotypes we need to get rid of ASAP]

Lesbian, bisexual, straight or anything else – it’s all fine

Before we get into helping you to answer the question of ‘am I lesbian or bisexual,’ first know that if it turns out that you are, it’s all good.

Your sexuality is your own personal deal and it’s nobody else’s business. You can love who you want to love. If you find another woman attractive, that’s perfectly fine. Find both men and women attractive? You go for it.

We live in a world that is far more accepting than ever before. It’s true that there’s still a long way to go because there are still some pockets of society that need to change.

But, the point is that if it turns out that you are lesbian or bisexual, it doesn’t matter. It’s something to be excited about and something to explore, it’s not something to be fearful or worried about. It’s part of who you are.

However, it’s equally as important to remember that fantasizing about other women or even having the odd feeling toward one, doesn’t mean you need to overhaul your sexuality view either. [Read: 20 sexually enlightening movies all about sexuality]

Am I lesbian or bisexual? Questions and points to consider

Understanding your sexuality is easier said than done. So, if you’re really pulling your hair out, trying to figure out what you’re sexually into, then here are some helpful ways to start figuring out your sexual preferences.

1. Try to identify your sexual preferences

Okay, so it’s time to sit down and really think about what you’re into. It’s normal to experiment with the same gender.

However, if you’re frequently thinking about women, that obviously indicates you’re attracted to them. So, first, think about what who you’re into.

When you’re with your partner, do you need to think about women to be able to orgasm? If so, that could mean that perhaps you are a lesbian and you should try and explore that part of yourself. However, it could be that you find both men and women attractive in which case you could be bisexual.

Once you have thought about what you’re into, try and seriously ask yourself whether you would actually go through with dating or even having sex with another woman in reality.

For some, the idea of it is sexy, but the reality of it isn’t something they would go through with in the end. In that case, it could simply be a fantasy. [Read: What is it really like to have a lesbian experience]

2. Accept that your sexual preferences exist

For sure, it may be hard for you to accept you’re into women even on a bisexual level. It’s normal to feel uncomfortable and scared about the idea of being bisexual or lesbian.

But right now, just start with being honest with yourself.

The first step is acknowledging you like women. Now, that doesn’t mean you’re a lesbian, it just means on some sexual level you’re attracted to them. Accept that and you can start to move through the other points, to try and get to a firm decision in the end.

Pushing away the idea that you’re attracted to women isn’t going to help you to find out the truth about your sexuality. [Read: How to tell if you’re actually bi-curious]

3. Understand the terminology

What does it mean to be bisexual or lesbian? We probably all have different conceptions of these words, but it’s important to understand their meanings so you can identify yourself.

If you’re asking ‘am I lesbian or bisexual,’ you need to understand the reality of what being a lesbian or bisexual person really is.

Being bisexual means you’re attracted to both, men and women. Lesbians, on the other hand, are sexually and emotionally attracted to women only.

4. Do you find the opposite sex attractive?

When you sit down and think about it, are you attracted to men? Okay, we don’t mean that you can appreciate a good-looking man, we mean, are you sexually attracted to them?

When you see a hot guy walking down the street, do your panties get a little wet? Or do you not even notice men who walk by you on the street?

If you look at men and do not become sexually aroused, then you’re probably not into them. If this is the case, you’re more likely a lesbian.

However, sexuality is fluid and a spectrum, there’s no black and white. So, it’s possible you could also be attracted to men at some point. Quite complex, eh? [Read: Heteroflexible – All you need to know about a rare sexuality]

5. How often do you think about women?

Now, sure, you could have had a sexual encounter with a woman, and enjoyed it but you don’t crave it. If you find yourself constantly thinking about women and becoming turned on when you see an attractive one, you may be a lesbian.

Bisexual women are attracted to both men and women, and though they find women attractive, they also switch their attention to men as well.

But, if it’s simply that you find a celebrity woman a little hot, it’s very unlikely that you’re a lesbian. We can all appreciate a sexy and good-looking woman, but it doesn’t mean that we’re lesbians. It’s more likely to be the case if you find yourself feeling attracted sexually to women you see in your day-to-day life. [Read: How to be more sexual and fall in love with the sexy side of you]

6. You only think of women when you masturbate

If you masturbate only to the thought of women, you may be a lesbian. As a bisexual, you can masturbate to the thought of women too, however, you’re more likely to also masturbate to the thought of men as well.

If all your porn is lesbian porn, enough said.

But, to make things a little more confusing, it’s possible for a straight woman to find lesbian porn a turn-on. In this case, however, a woman is likely to not only watch lesbian porn, but it’s also more likely to be a varied deal. [Read: 10 reasons lesbian porn is way hotter than straight porn]

7. Experiment with your sexuality a little

If you’re still asking yourself ‘am I lesbian or bisexual’ and you can’t shake the idea, there’s nothing wrong with trying it out. Try dating a girl and see how you like it.

Do you find yourself sexually attracted to men while you’re with her? Or are you finding yourself solely into females? You’ll soon start to see what you’re into over time.

But, if you do this, never lead anyone on. Always make sure that the person you’re with knows that you’re unsure about your sexuality, or simply tell them that you don’t want anything serious and keep it casual. By leading someone on, you’re potentially hurting them when you may find out that in the end, you’re not lesbian or bisexual at all. But, if you find out that you are, then perhaps you’ll end up with a new relationship. [Read: Pillow princess and what it really means to be labeled as one]

8. Take a test

No, there is no actual test to determine your sexuality per se, but there are those online quizzes that may give you some food for thought.

We know, online quizzes are kind of lame, but there are some that really help you decide if you’re struggling with this. These sexual orientation tests possibly reveal more about your sexuality than you thought.

Try out the Kinsey Scale test or the Epstein Sexual Orientation Inventory (ESOI) test. Both of these tests will not label your sexuality but rather, show where you fall on the sexual orientation spectrum. [Read: 15 big lesbian myths you probably still believe]

9. You don’t find men attractive

Are you turned off by men? Find them sexually unappealing? Well, that may show you’re a lesbian. Bisexual women are attracted to both men and women. However, lesbians do not find men sexually attractive and avoid any sexual contact with them.

It’s probably easier to determine that you’re a lesbian than it is to determine that you’re possibly bisexual. If you’re a lesbian, you find only women attractive.

But, if you’re bisexual, you’re still stuck in the ‘I find him attractive, but she’s cute too’ kind of situation. In that case, you need to ask yourself whether you find more than one woman attractive, and more than one man. Then, you have a pattern emerging that could point you toward an answer. [Read: 10 things women need to know about dating a bisexual man]

10. Accept that every day may be different

Some days you want to be with a man, and then other days you’re more interested in women. If that’s the case, you’re most likely bisexual.

As we’ve already mentioned, lesbians are more concrete in their attraction to women. However, if you’re switching back and forth, then you’re attracted to both genders and it could mean you’re bisexual.

11. Don’t get pulled into labels

Everyone wants to label others. It makes us feel more comfortable with ourselves. We need to know what you’re exactly into—people don’t like blurred lines.

But, the truth is that you don’t have to identify yourself as anything if you don’t want to. Maybe you just don’t know right now, so take your time in finding out. There’s no rush.

This is a process and some processes take a little time. Be okay with that and enjoy learning about your sexuality without any barriers. [Read: How to be yourself -14 steps to unfake your life and love being you]

12. This is your journey, you don’t need to tell anyone until you’re ready

You might feel like you need to tell your partner how you’re feeling or you need to talk things through with someone else. For sure, if you want to talk about how you’re feeling, go for it, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to, or you’re not ready.

This is a journey of self-discovery and it’s something you should take your time doing. It’s not something that needs to be completed right now.

You can take your time discovering your preferences through thought, contemplation, and perhaps a little experimentation. The answer to ‘am I lesbian or bisexual’ will make itself abundantly clear when you’re ready to find the answer and accept it. [Read: I don’t know what to do with my life – The voice to find your way]

13. But most of all, don’t worry!

You might start to worry if you begin to feel like you may be a lesbian or bisexual. Don’t worry! This isn’t a bad thing or anything to be concerned about.

It’s a wonderful part of who you are. Your sexuality doesn’t define you as a person but it is a huge part of you.

When you finally learn your true sexuality and you embrace it, you’ll feel like a weight has been lifted. It’s almost as though something has clicked and you finally get it. That’s nothing to worry about, it’s actually something to fully embrace and look forward to.

Of course, if the answer to your deliberations is that you’re not lesbian or bisexual and that you’re truly comfortable with being straight. That’s great too. It means you’re free to express your sexuality without questions.

Either way, it’s all good!

[Read: Sexually fluid – What does this even mean in the dating world?]

Finding out who you are is half the fun. Go out and experiment with the same and opposite gender. See what you’re sexually stimulated by and then take it from there.