All’s Fair in Love And War: What It Means & 20 Secrets to Do the Right Thing

Life is too short to be haunted by the “what ifs.” Follow your desires if they lead you to the person you want. After all, all’s fair in love and war.

Love is an all-consuming, blissfully blinding, powerful feeling that leaves you breathless and yearning for more. But to what extent would you go to fill that yearning feeling in your chest? Would you lie? Betray your friends? Cheat? Is all’s fair in love and war?

And would you do the same to get out of a relationship with someone you hate? If you believe all’s fair in love and war, you might find yourself doing all of those things and more. [Read: 45 facts about love & psychological secrets to decode how the mind works]

What does “all’s fair in love and war” mean?

So, we’ve thrown this phrase around, but what does it actually mean?

“All’s fair in love and war” is a phrase that is used to describe the lengths someone would go to for romance *love*, or for hate *war*. So, it means that every action is justifiable because it is done out of love or out of hate.

When using this phrase, you are saying that you would go to any lengths for your relationship. However, this describes two extreme ends of the relationship scale: things you would do to be in a relationship with someone that you love, and things you would do to end a relationship with someone that you hate.

When “all’s fair in love and war” is used for someone you love, you are admitting that all rules are off the table to obtain this person. You would go through any trouble to be with this person despite its consequences because you love them deeply.

On the opposite end of the scale, using this phrase defends foul tactics and offensive behavior you use when separating from your hateful relationship.

Essentially, it means that you don’t care about the process, as long as you get the outcome you’re looking for. [Read: How to stand up for yourself & get what you want and deserve]

Why all’s fair in love and war

They say that love is the closest emotion to hate. Both love and hate can drive you to do things that you wouldn’t normally do.

If you truly believe in a soul mate, that there is only one person out there who is for you, then you have to take the chance to win their heart when you can. That means doing it at any cost to you – professionally, personally, or physically.

If you’re someone who isn’t afraid to love recklessly, here are the reasons all’s fair in love and war.

1. You only get one shot

If you subscribe to the notion that there is only one true love for you, then you only have one shot at finding the right person.

If you love someone who feels unobtainable, you may feel like it’s a lost cause to try to win them. The problem with that is that if you don’t try, you could end up losing your one chance at love. [Read: In love with two people? This is how to make up your mind]

2. You don’t want to look back and have regrets

Life is about living to the fullest and without having any regrets. Some of us have that one person that we look back at and think “what if?” The best way to avoid wishing you had a time machine to do things over is to never make any decisions that can end in regret.

That works both for decisions made and decisions not made *especially if it requires you to step outside of your comfort zone*. Don’t resign yourself to saying you didn’t have a choice when you did.

Deep down, you know that it may not be easy, but living with regret forever or “what if” questions is even worse. [Read: Life-altering questions you can learn from regret]

3. If you don’t fight for love, what is worth fighting for?

There aren’t many things in this life that are worth fighting for. Sure, we fight with people daily, but at the end of the day, the argument is lost or forgotten. If you don’t fight for love, then what else is there? Because all’s fair in love and war.

Love is one of the most beautiful and miraculous feelings you can experience. Don’t let it go because you think it isn’t the right time, or that you don’t want to get things messy. Things get messy, that’s just how life is.

No one makes it through unscathed. Sometimes you have to get your hands a little dirty to get the thing that makes you happiest. [Read: Like your boyfriend’s best friend?! The right & mature thing you MUST do]

4. People will forgive you

If you are in love with someone and you have to put it out there and tell them how you feel, then people will forgive you. If it is your friend’s girlfriend or a best friend’s ex, if it is true love, then they will forgive you. [Read: Do you like your friend’s girlfriend? Here’s your next move]

In the end, you have to realize that you are doing everyone a favor. If you know that you are perfect for someone and will work every day to make them happy, then you have an obligation to take a chance. Other people involved will forgive you when they see how perfect you are for one another.

5. What seems like a major deal now won’t be over time

Do you ever think about the time that your school friend and you got into a fight and said you didn’t ever want to speak again? Sure, those times in our lives that are the hardest stick with us most, but in the end, they are never as bad or as major as we think they are.

What is today’s news is tomorrow’s trash. It doesn’t matter what scandal you cause by going for your love and playing all’s fair in love and war – it won’t be remembered twenty years from now. [Read: The rules to dating your friend’s ex]

If it is remembered, then it will most likely be because you made a drastic life change that set the course for your future. If not, then you learned that your love wasn’t real. Either way, it won’t be a big deal as time goes on. But letting someone go may haunt you forever. [Read: Eternal love – what it means, does it exist & truths to make you a believer]

6. Life in the sun, love by the moon

You wouldn’t take something from someone right out in the open – that isn’t acceptable. We have different rules of conduct for how we deal with our daily lives than what we will do for love.

Love has special circumstances that have no rules. If you are always trying to play nice and go along with societal obligations, then you are going to miss out on some of the most spectacular things in life.

Living by the moon means putting it all on the line and doing things that aren’t characteristic, but loving with all that you are. Sometimes that means taking chances that you wouldn’t ordinarily take.

Love has no rules, nor does it come with instructions. Once it takes hold, however, you have to let the spirit guide you. [Read: 19 life quotes to motivate you to lead a better life]

All’s fair in love and war doesn’t have to be your motto

There are just some couples who are like oil and vinegar—they simply don’t mix. If you’ve gotten to a place in your relationship where you feel like all’s fair in love and war *emphasis on the war*, this may be a recipe for disaster.

The nastier a relationship gets, the likelier you’ll be to strike back. Before you know it, you’re saying things that create tiny cracks that chip away until there is nothing left. [Read: Are relationship fights normal? 15 signs you’re fighting too often]

The phrase, “all’s fair in love and war” is probably true, but your relationship is not a war, nor are the battle royals that you may be getting into. Instead of living by those types of conditions, it is much easier to stop the battle before it begins.

How to avoid a relationship of war

Follow these rules for engagement to make for a lasting relationship. Instead of fighting like you’re trying to win a war, take small victories in battles averted.

1. Don’t think that you have to one-up your partner

When you’ve been hurt, it’s not a competition. You don’t have to one-up your pain by striking back with something that takes it one step further. Once you cross a line, it can’t be uncrossed.

You have to remember that you don’t want to make your partner feel worse than you do. You want to be constructive, not destructive. [Read: The power of words can make or break your relationship]

2. You can’t take certain things back, even with an apology

When you say something to your partner, or when they say something that hurts you, it doesn’t just go away when you say you’re sorry. Hurtful words can linger, so be careful that you truly mean what you say before sharing it. [Read: How to apologize and say sorry to a lover]

3. If you go too far, they will never know if you’re being honest

If you overstep a boundary and try to take something hurtful back, they will never know what you truly feel. Were you honest when you said that you loved them, or when you hated them?

4. Don’t dredge up past arguments

If you are going to argue about something, stick to the subject at hand. If you start to pull things out of the closet to prove a point, how can anything get resolved?

Leave the past in the past and focus on the present and moving forward. [Read: Relationship arguments – 23 dos and don’ts to remember]

5. Don’t bring other people into your discussions

If you start saying things like “everyone,” “my friends,” or “my mother,” you’re involving people who can’t speak for themselves and are making your partner feel ganged up on by you and the world.

Your relationship is about you and your partner, so do not bring outside parties into the argument unless they are a core part of it. There is nothing worse than feeling like the deck is stacked against you, and it certainly isn’t fair to your partner.

6. Don’t rehash embarrassing moments for your partner

If you know there is a painful or embarrassing event in their life from the past, leave it in the past. If you have truly forgiven your partner and moved on from past mistakes, there is no need to try to open up wounds or demons that they have finally let go of.

7. Don’t bring up their old relationships

You weren’t in their past relationships, so don’t think that you have any idea about what happened or try to analyze it. If you think that you understand why their past partner left, you may or may not be right. But that is none of your business. [Read: Dating history – which exes should your partner know about?]

8. Don’t change your story as you go along

If you start arguing about something, don’t switch it mid-stream to win. There is nothing worse than trying to play a game when someone keeps changing the rules.

After all, this isn’t supposed to be a game, nor a war. It’s supposed to be love. Stay objective, and don’t be wishy-washy for the sake of “winning.”

9. It isn’t fair to stop listening

All is fair in love and war, maybe, but nothing is fair when you’re not listening. Just because you don’t want to listen to what they’re saying anymore doesn’t mean that the conversation is over.

There is nothing more selfish than deciding when someone is worth listening to and when you’re done with them. If you make them feel insignificant, you can’t undo their feelings of insecurity. [Read: Ways to be a better listener in your relationship]

10. Don’t call your partner names or label them

You aren’t in high school anymore, you can’t just end a fight by calling someone a name. Sure, it’s tempting to say things that will hurt one another, but you can’t take back those horrible things you come up with in the heat of an argument.

11. Don’t call them out in front of other people

Don’t be one of those couples who fight in front of others and pull out embarrassing things about each other. If you call out your partner in front of others for the sake of having people “on your side,” your plot won’t work.

In fact, when you say negative things, it only makes you look bad. If you want to confront your partner, wait until you can have some time alone. No one else wants to hear your ugly fight.

12. Don’t bad-mouth each other to your family and loved ones

When you say something bad about your partner out of anger to your family, it may feel fair at the time, but you are poisoning the waters.

What does that mean? After you make up and have solved your issues, your family doesn’t get to see that side of things. Instead, they will likely hold a grudge against your partner that will be difficult to smooth away. [Read: Signs your friends are ruining your relationship]

13. Don’t bring your sex life into the argument, unless that’s the center of your discussion

This goes along the lines of not saying things that you don’t really mean. If you say one thing— maybe about poor sexual performance, questioning his manhood, or her inability to turn you on—but don’t really mean it, you could seriously harm your relationship.

Sex is a sensitive topic because it is a time when your partner is their most vulnerable with you. How will your partner ever know if you really meant what you said, or if you were simply looking for ways to hurt them? [Read: Using sex as a weapon? Harsh truths you need to know]

14. Don’t belittle them

Don’t make your partner feel insignificant or unappreciated. Those incidents add up, and before you know it, all those battles turn into a war, and your partner doesn’t have the security or the self-esteem to cope.

Don’t steal their ability to fight back or fight for themselves; deep down you know that isn’t fair. Instead, have respect for what they’re feeling and saying if you want your relationship to last. [Read: 25 must-following relationship rules for happy love]

All is fair in love and war, but your relationship is not a war, it’s supposed to be your love affair. Every time you up the ante and do something to hurt your partner, it makes it easier to hurt them the next time. Like an avalanche, your fights, language, and treatment are burying you both.

So, is all fair in love and war?

The phrase “all’s fair in love and war” is true. There is no denying that the deepest emotions we feel can make us react, act, and sometimes break all the rules that society holds.

However, what seems fair in the moment may not lead to the end result you were looking for. All’s fair in love and war is about the outcome, not the process. So if the process of fighting with your partner feels fair but you’re not satisfied with the outcome, this isn’t the motto for you.

In the end, however, you never want to look back and wish that you would have gone for it. If you’re willing to fight through the process, no matter how conflicting, for someone you love so you can be with them, then all’s fair in love and war is for you.

When debating whether all’s fair in love and war, think about if you will be at peace with yourself when you reach your goal.

You will not find peace if you don’t go for it with all that you have to ensure you never look back and think “what if?” Time heals all wounds, but it doesn’t ever heal questions or regrets. Those stick around forever.

[Read: Love triangles and all its confusing complications]

If you have someone you are willing to fight for, even if they don’t know or are a forbidden love, you have to follow your heart. If you’re willing to sacrifice what you have for something better, go for it. Because all’s fair in love and war.