Aggressive Sex: What It Is, Why People Like It & 23 Secrets to Give It a Try

Do you feel the desire to get spanked, have your hair pulled, and experience an intense sexual high? Aggressive sex might be just what your sex life needs.

Soft, slow, and sensual lovemaking is wonderful. But sometimes, you might be looking for something a little rougher. Aggressive sex is a great way to experience the sexual high you are seeking while spicing things up in the bedroom.

What is aggressive sex?

Aggressive sex is exactly what it sounds like: sex that is aggressive. However, “aggressive” can mean several things, especially when it comes to the bedroom.

Essentially, aggressive sex is any kind of sex that is more physically intense than your normal sexual interactions. It is important to note that this term is subjective.

Everyone has different standards for sex, so what is aggressive to one person may not be so aggressive to someone else.

A common misconception is that aggressive sex only refers to BDSM. However, that isn’t the case. Depending on how intense your casual sex is, aggressive sex may look like rough, quick-paced kissing sessions, or it may be full-blown BDSM.

In fact, aggressive sex doesn’t have to involve any kind of physical pain *unless you’re into that*.

Everyone has a different play style, and aggressive sex is about finding the one that works for you and amping up the heat. [Read: Hot, hot sex – how to turn up your sexual thermostat]

Why do partners like aggressive sex?

Sex can easily become repetitive if done the same way for so long. Having aggressive sex brings new heat to the relationship, which is why so many couples love it!

Aggressive sex can be liberating to some couples. It can help release tension, ignite a new spark in the relationship, and bring two people closer together. [Read: 48 sexy secrets to have better sex & explore new things to try in bed]

Engaging in aggressive sex requires confidence, so if you’re lacking in that department, learning how to have a rougher time in bed can free the insecurities that hold you back.

Before you have aggressive sex

Sex requires consent and great communication between you and your partner, and aggressive sex is no different. Before you up the amp in the bedroom, you have to make sure your partner is comfortable with doing the same.

1. Consent

This is absolutely the first thing you will need before having aggressive sex. You and your partner should only explore having aggressive sex if you both want to.

Do not be afraid to compromise with your partner if you aren’t 100% on board with something they want to explore, and vice versa. [Read: Don’t want to have sex? 16 reasons & ways to make sex feel exciting again]

2. Communicate

We know, the topic can make you shy to talk about, but you must discuss with your partner beforehand some of the things you’re interested in trying.

Chances are, they are into the same things and want to help you live your fantasy.

You need to bring up the topic confidently so your partner knows exactly what you want. There can’t be any room for interpretation on either end. And who knows, you might unlock a fantasy that was buried within you just by talking about rough sex with your partner.

3. Safe words

Safe words are important in all types of sex – especially in new sexual fantasies you are exploring for the first time. Decide on safe words or safe gestures with your partner to set personal boundaries.

This helps to avoid any potential pain, uncertainty, and surprises. We all have boundaries, so don’t feel shy to tell your partner when you’ve had enough. [Read: Meaning of safe words & how to use them when you’re playing rough]

How to get in the mood for aggressive sex

Foreplay is essential before actually getting to the deed. If you’re looking for ways to build tension before having aggressive sex, here are a few:

1. Try mutual masturbation

Mutual masturbation is a way you and your partner can build sexual tension before even touching each other. It is also great foreplay and breaks the shy tension of having sex.

Lay down with your partner and focus on self-pleasure. The key here is to still communicate with your partner about how it feels, what you like, and what you want.

If looking at your partner during mutual masturbation makes you feel too exposed, you can even opt for a blindfold. Either way, your partner will love to watch you and learn through watching how you like to be touched, and the same for you. Mutual masturbation – intimate ways to connect without touching

2. Practice role-play

Do you have any sexual fantasies that you’ve been dying to try out? Role-play can be as simple as acting out a sexual scenario with your partner, or as complex as pretending to be a character that you’re not and having elaborate costumes, toys, and locations.

Role-play is a fun way to explore your kinks and build sexual tension. Playing a role that you don’t normally do during sex is also a great way to embrace a new confidence you’ve never had before. [Read: Sexual role-play – how to try it & the 35 best roleplay ideas for couples]

3. Talk dirty

The quickest way to heat things up before the bedroom is to talk dirty to your partner. Don’t be afraid to flirt a little and tell your partner exactly how you feel about them. Dirty talk lets your partner know how hot you are about them and it will turn the both of you on.

Describe your actions or the actions you want to take. Tell your partner what about them turns you on and why it does. It is also a great opportunity to let them know exactly what you want during aggressive sex without feeling shy or shameful.

How to have aggressive sex

If you’re curious about having aggressive sex but you don’t know where to start, we’ve got you covered. You’re sure to have a fun, exciting, and sexy time if you follow these tips and tricks on how to have aggressive sex.

1. Don’t try too hard

You don’t want to force feelings of aggression. If you thought at first you could do it, but now you realize it’s not for you, stop.

Sex should come naturally, so, if you find yourself trying really hard to do it, just take a step back and rethink if this is for you. [Read: 15 dirty ways to have the sexiest roughest sex ever]

2. Figure out what you’re into

You can do this by watching porn or testing it out with your partner. Does spanking really turn you on when you’re watching porn? Has your partner nibbled your lip before, making you go crazy?

Test these things out subtly and see what works for you and what doesn’t. This means you’ll have to communicate with your partner and let them know what turns you on and what doesn’t.

3. Lube is your best friend

Regardless of how slippery things may seem down there, lube really is your best friend when it comes to aggressive sex.

If you’re anticipating a lot of fast, rough movements, we advise you to grab the lube. And don’t feel shameful about continuously grabbing for it. This ensures neither partner experiences any unintentional pain. [Read: 22 best oils for sex, must-knows, & lube alternatives to avoid]

4. Relaxation is everything

If you’re really into aggressive sex but you’re nervous to let yourself go, loosen up. It sounds easier said than done, but do whatever you need to to be relaxed. This releases any non-sexual tension inside of you and puts you in the mood to have more enjoyable sex.

If nerves are in your way, there is nothing wrong with having a drink! If your shyness is getting the best of you, try a blindfold or switching positions. Whatever you need to do in order to relax, do it.

5. Ask for it

If you want something, ask for it! Don’t be afraid to voice what you want and how you want it. Aggressive sex involves a lot of healthy communication, so get to talking.

Talking to your partner during sex adds a new element to sex that too many couples go without. It builds trust, communication, and passion. Asking for things during bed is a great way to flirt as well as stay safe.

6. Don’t shock your partner

When beginning to have rough sex, don’t just jump into it. This is critical if your partner is used to having sex with you in a certain way, because completely flipping on them may give them a slight shock treatment.

So, progressively make it rougher and rougher, letting them adjust to the changes so they have time to see what turns them on.

Stay in tune with your partner’s reactions and progressively build the tension and aggression from there. [Read: 20 hot sex ideas to blow your lover’s mind in bed]

7. Scream it out

This is the best way to release the tension. Allow yourself to scream, yell, and moan whenever you want. It’ll show your partner that you’re into it.

It can also help to build up the sexual energy within, making you want to devour your partner. While you’re moaning or screaming, grab them, and pull them closer to you.

8. Get handsy

You have two hands, so don’t be afraid to use them! Hands are the ultimate gift that you can use in the bedroom, so there is no need to feel shy about using them.

Feel them, grab them, pull them, and use your hands to pleasure them as much as you can. Hands are a way you can show your partner just how much you desire them. [Read: Intense sex – 17 pleasurable ways to make love with real passion]

9. Pull each other’s hair

This is a beginner’s way to enjoy more aggressive sex, and it never gets old. While you’re making out with them, grab their hair, pull their head back, and start kissing their neck. It’s always a winning move.

This is usually a sexually-charged move to do, so expect the sex to become amped after doing this move.

10. Get hard with thrusting

Oh God, the thrust. The hard, firm thrust. Whether you or your partner is the one thrusting, when it comes to penetration, thrust hard. The slower the thrust, the more impactful it will feel.

Make sure that you build up the tension by penetrating your partner slowly, gradually thrusting harder and harder. The more of a workout you feel like you’re having, the more intense the aggressive sex will feel. [Read: Sweaty sex – 18 reasons it’s so dripping hot & the best times to have it!]

11. Spank that ass

The ass is meant to be grabbed, bitten, and spanked. We mean, why else would it have that much fat on it?

If you’re the one giving, spank your partner’s ass. Or, if you’re the one receiving, ask for your ass to be spanked. Tell them why you want to be spanked/are spanking them to add foreplay to the mix. And if you’re using toys, try a sex paddle to add new excitement to the bedroom.

If the spanking is becoming too much, don’t be afraid to let your partner know. Spanking should be light and not meant to be painful *unless the session calls for it*. [Read: Spanking women – how and when to spank a bad, bad girl the right way]

12. Use your teeth

Teeth are an underrated, sexy way to show your partner just how much you want them. And they can be used in several ways to make aggressive sex exciting.

You can lightly graze your teeth on erogenous zones on your partner’s body to intensify their pleasure. Or, you can sink your teeth into your partner *with consent and caution* to relieve sexual tension. Either way, using your teeth will make the sex all the sexier!

13. Get choking

The point of choking isn’t to literally prevent someone from breathing, it’s about control. You want your fingers to be placed around the sides of their neck as opposed to in the middle of their neck, this will allow them to breathe easily.

The feeling of having your partner’s hand around your neck or having your hand around your partner’s neck is sexy and introduces a new type of adrenaline to the bedroom. It shows possession and establishes dominance. [Read: How to be dominant in bed & command your way to ultimate pleasure]

Many women love this, and many don’t. So it’s important that you talk to your partner before you try this out to make sure everyone is comfortable and on the same page.

14. Light bondage

If you aren’t into BDSM, light bondage is a great way to have aggressive sex. You can tie them to the bed and have them under your complete control.

You don’t need to know some intricate knots and have them wishing they had their Boy Scout knot manual with them. Just lightly tie them up and explore their body… they’ll love it.

15. Introduce toys

If sex toys aren’t already a part of your sex routine, aggressive sex is a good time to introduce them. There are a million types of sex toys you can use for any sexual scenario you and your partner enjoy. [Read: Must-have couple’s sex toys for naughty first timers]

Both you and your partner can experience amazing satisfaction from using toys. Using toys, you can play with edging and bondage to make your partner vulnerable to you. This kind of usage establishes dominance if that is the kind of fantasy either of you has.

16. Slap lightly

Lightly slapping your partner is a sexy way to turn up the aggression factor during sex. Lightly slapping their face and then grabbing them to pull closer is a surefire move that will make your partner melt with desire.

Now, not everyone likes to be slapped in the face, arms, or thighs, but of course, you’ll be communicating with your partner if they don’t like it.

17. Take care of each other afterward

Aftercare is essential once you’ve had aggressive sex and the most important part other than consent and communication.

Rough sex brings out a certain type of vulnerability, so it is important that you reassure your partner of how much you enjoy them and your time together.

This is the time to hold your partner lovingly, cuddle, talk to each other, clean up together, and do relaxing activities to show your appreciation and care for one another. Be sure to take proper care of any areas that might have experienced pain and let them know how good they did during sex.

After you’ve had aggressive sex, you should talk with your partner about your personal experience during it all. Discuss things you enjoyed, didn’t enjoy so much, and if you would like to go for it again at a later date. Don’t assume you’re on the same page about everything that went down.

Make the extra effort to show your love and gratitude once the animalistic aggression has come to an end.

[Read: 50 top kinky ideas for a sexy relationship]

Try incorporating some of these things into the bedroom to have more aggressive sex. With the right consent and communication, aggressive sex will spice up your sex life and bring you and your partner closer together.