Gaslighting in a Relationship: 38 Signs, Types & Why People Gaslight in Love

Gaslighting in a relationship can damage your emotional well-being in no time. Learn how it works, types, signs and the best ways to deal with it here.

Are you familiar with gaslighting in a relationship? Hopefully, you are not. But let’s consider the following scenario.

Sarah thought she had found “the one.” Jake was charming, funny, and they had chemistry that could make a science lab jealous. But over time, things got weird.

Whenever Sarah brought up concerns about Jake’s increasingly flaky behavior, he’d dismiss her worries, saying she was too sensitive or imagining things.

Sarah started doubting her own memory, her emotions, even her sanity. Without realizing it, Sarah had become a victim of gaslighting in a relationship.

Gaslighting, my friends, is no Hollywood drama, even though it sounds like one.

The term comes from a 1938 play called “Gas Light,” where a husband tries to make his wife doubt her reality by dimming the gas-powered lights in their home and then denying it’s happening.

Fast-forward to today, and gaslighting has become a pervasive form of emotional abuse, where the gaslighter manipulates you into questioning your own experiences and feelings.

Why is this important for you to know, especially as young adults? Well, you’re navigating the labyrinth of love and friendships, often without a map or GPS.

Recognizing gaslighting can be like finding a hidden cheat code, giving you the power to level up your emotional well-being and protect yourself in relationships. [Read: Gaslighting – what it is, how it works, and 33 signs to spot it ASAP]

What is Gaslighting?

So, you’ve probably heard the term “gaslighting” bandied about like confetti at a New Year’s Eve party, but what does it really mean?

Gaslighting in a relationship is when one partner manipulates the other into doubting their own memories, feelings, or even their sanity.

It’s like your love life suddenly turns into a psychological thriller, but there’s no director yelling “cut” when things get messy. [Read: Emotional roller coaster – the signs, causes, and ways to end this relationship]

Now, let’s bring a little sprinkle of psychology into the mix—enter “Cognitive Dissonance.” Oh yes, sounds like a term straight out of a nerdy psychology textbook, but stick with us.

Cognitive dissonance is when you hold two or more conflicting beliefs, and it causes emotional stress. Imagine thinking you’re in a happy relationship, but then your partner keeps telling you that you’re not remembering things correctly, or that you’re too emotional.

Your brain goes into a frenzy, like a hamster on a wheel that can’t stop spinning. This dissonance, this conflict within you, is what makes gaslighting in a relationship so emotionally exhausting. [Read: Emotionally exhausted? How it feels, 41 signs and reasons why you’re drained]

So, why should you care? Because gaslighting is an emotional abuse. It’s your partner taking the paintbrush of your own reality and saying, “Nah, let me rewrite that for you.”

Types of Gaslighting

Before we zoom in on the glaring red flags that scream “Gaslighting Ahead,” it’s crucial to understand that not all gaslighters use the same playbook.

Just like villains in comic books have their unique styles and evil plans, gaslighting in a relationship comes in different flavors.

So, let’s decode these types first, so you’ll know exactly what you’re up against. [Read: 105 Most common gaslighting phrases, techniques, and signs to recognize them]

1. Trivializing

This is when your partner minimizes your feelings or experiences. You finally gather the courage to talk about something that bothers you, and they wave it off like it’s no big deal.

This can make you feel like you’re overly sensitive or dramatic, when in reality, your concerns are entirely valid. Trivializing effectively silences you and nudges you into emotional self-doubt.

2. Countering

Here, your partner outright challenges your memory of events. Maybe you bring up something they said last week, and they insist you must have dreamt it because they would never say such a thing. [Read: 12 Types of liars, 15 types of lies they often use, and ways to deal with them]

This type of gaslighting in a relationship can make you start to doubt your own memory, trapping you in a maze of self-questioning that feels impossible to escape.

3. Withholding

In this scenario, your partner plays dumb or refuses to engage in the conversation. You could be providing crystal-clear examples of concerning behavior, and they act as if they have no clue what you’re talking about.

Withholding information or refusing to engage emotionally can be a cunning form of gaslighting that makes you feel like you’re overanalyzing or imagining things. [Read: Emotionally manipulative boyfriend – 24 BIG signs and reasons to leave this man]

4. Diverting

Your partner changes the subject or questions how you came to such a conclusion in the first place, effectively diverting the conversation away from their behavior.

It’s like a conversational sleight of hand; before you know it, you’re on the defensive, explaining yourself instead of addressing the original issue. This can be particularly disorienting in the landscape of gaslighting in a relationship.

5. Stereotyping

This one employs harmful stereotypes to undermine you. For instance, if you’re a woman expressing emotion, they might accuse you of being “hysterical” or “too emotional,” playing on sexist stereotypes. [Read: Masculinity vs. femininity – 27 traits, stereotypes, and the unique strengths]

It’s a manipulative tactic that not only gaslights you but also adds a layer of discrimination into the mix.

Glaring Red Flags and Signs

Now that we’ve demystified the types of gaslighting in a relationship, you’re probably itching to know: How can you tell if you’re being gaslighted?

1. You Doubt Your Own Memory

If you find yourself constantly questioning your recollection of past events, that’s a red flag. [Read: 29 Red flags to tell if someone want to hurt you or harm you emotionally]

For example, you clearly remember your partner promising to attend a family event with you, but when the day arrives, they claim they never agreed to go.

These little hiccups in memory can start to accumulate, leaving you in a state of perpetual confusion and self-doubt, hallmarks of gaslighting in a relationship.

2. You Apologize Excessively

Suddenly, you’re saying “I’m sorry” more often than a broken record. If you find that you’re constantly apologizing even when you know you’re not at fault, be alert. [Read: Stand up for yourself – why it’s hard and steps to get what you want and deserve]

For instance, your partner shows up late for dinner, and you end up apologizing for getting upset about it. The shift of blame is a classic gaslighting technique.

3. You Feel Like You’re Walking on Eggshells

If you’re always anxious about speaking your mind or expressing your feelings because you fear your partner’s reaction, take note.

Let’s say you hesitate to discuss future plans or serious topics because your partner has a history of diverting the conversation or trivializing your opinions. [Read: Walking on eggshells in your relationship? 18 signs and how to fix it]

This constant self-censorship is a red flag for gaslighting in a relationship.

4. You’re Always the “Crazy” One

Your partner labels you as too sensitive, emotional, or irrational whenever you try to bring up concerns. For example, you express worry about them coming home late every night, and they counter by saying you’re just overly jealous or possessive.

The issue is deflected back onto you, and you’re left feeling like the “crazy” one in the relationship. [Read: Crazy wife – 25 silly things men do that make their wife go crazy]

5. You Feel Isolated from Loved Ones

They may subtly or overtly discourage you from seeing friends and family, claiming they don’t “understand” your relationship like they do. This isolation makes it easier for them to control your perception of reality, a sinister form of gaslighting.

6. Your Achievements Are Downplayed

You score a big win at work or nail a presentation, and instead of celebrating, your partner finds ways to diminish your achievements.

“Anyone could have done that,” they might say, or, “You just got lucky.” Consistent downplaying of your successes erodes your self-esteem and is a form of gaslighting you shouldn’t ignore. [Read: Dating someone with low self-esteem – what it’s like for both of you]

7. You Feel Stuck in a Cycle

The gaslighting doesn’t happen 24/7. There are periods of warmth and affection, sometimes called “love bombing,” that make you think things have changed for the better.

But then the cycle of gaslighting resumes. The intermittent reinforcement keeps you guessing and makes it difficult to pinpoint the abuse happening in the relationship.

8. You’re Blamed for Their Behavior

Whenever something goes wrong, it’s somehow always your fault, even when logic says otherwise. [Read: Deflection in a relationship – what it is, 52 signs, effects, and how to deal with it]

Your partner was late because you “took too long to get ready,” or they forgot an important date because you “didn’t remind them enough.” This level of blame-shifting is an advanced form of gaslighting in a relationship.

9. You Doubt Your Own Worth

Feeling like you’re not good enough, smart enough, or just enough, period? That’s a sign of gaslighting.

Your partner’s constant belittling remarks and criticisms can make you internalize this negativity, convincing you that you’re not worthy of a healthy relationship. [Read: 55 Secrets and self-love habits to build confidence and realize your worth]

10. You Feel the Need to “Prove” Your Love

Your partner frequently questions your commitment or love for them, pushing you into a corner where you feel the need to “prove” your love through actions or sacrifices.

This creates an uneven power dynamic and is a manipulative tactic that falls under the umbrella of gaslighting.

11. They Never Apologize

They seems to have an allergy to the words “I’m sorry.” Even when caught red-handed, they’ll twist the narrative to avoid taking responsibility. [Read: How not to be a pushover – what makes you one and ways to take a stand]

This unwillingness to apologize is a cornerstone of gaslighting, as it perpetuates the belief that you’re always the one at fault, not them.

12. They Use “Global Statements”

If your partner often uses phrases like “You always” or “You never,” be cautious. These global statements are sweeping and absolute, leaving no room for discussion or nuance.

It’s a way to put you on the defensive, shifting the focus away from their behavior and making you the subject of scrutiny in the relationship. [Read: Why do people get defensive? 14 reasons and the ways to handle them]

13. They Withhold Affection as Punishment

The silent treatment or withdrawal of emotional support is often used as a form of punishment.

If you’ve been “bad” according to their metrics—perhaps by disagreeing with them or calling them out—they withhold love and affection, causing you to scramble to regain their approval, another method of gaslighting in a relationship.

14. They Undermine Your Relationships with Others

They may drop subtle hints or flat-out express disapproval of your close friends and family. [Read: Help! My friends don’t like my boyfriend!]

By doing this, they’re slowly chipping away at your support system, making you more reliant on them and easier to control—a classic tactic in the playbook of gaslighting.

15. They Make You Doubt Your Sanity

Ever hear phrases like, “You’re too sensitive,” or, “You’re imagining things”? These are ways your partner may try to undermine your perceptions and feelings, causing you to doubt your own sanity.

This is often referred to as “crazy-making” in the world of psychology and is a big red flag for gaslighting in a relationship. [Read: Crazy girlfriend – what makes one, 53 psycho signs, and ways to deal with her]

16. They Offer “Proof” to Discredit You

Your partner goes to great lengths to prove you’re wrong, even collecting “evidence” like text messages or comments from others.

This kind of proof-seeking isn’t about clarity or understanding; it’s about making you doubt your own reality. In psychological terms, this is an escalation in manipulation tactics and a flag for gaslighting.

17. They Use Trivial Gifts or Gestures to Offset Bad Behavior

After a period of gaslighting, they might give you a small gift or do something nice as if to say, “See, I’m not such a bad person. [Read: Love bombing – what it is, how it works, and 21 signs you’re being manipulated]

These gestures are intended to confuse you and make you think that perhaps things aren’t as bad as they seem. However, this doesn’t erase the emotional toll of gaslighting in a relationship.

18. They Invalidate Your Feelings

Your partner dismisses your feelings as if they’re not valid or important. For instance, you might say, “I feel hurt when you ignore me,” only for them to reply with something like, “You’re too sensitive; anyone else wouldn’t mind.”

This sort of invalidation is a robust form of emotional manipulation. [Read: 27 Signs of emotional manipulation to know if you’re being used by someone]

19. They Make You Feel Guilty for Their Mistakes

You find yourself apologizing for things you didn’t do or for problems that you didn’t create. For example, if they forgot an important date, they might turn it around and say that you didn’t remind them enough, thus making it your fault.

This manipulation ensures that they evade responsibility, a common characteristic of gaslighting in a relationship.

20. They Make Jokes at Your Expense

Humor can be a fantastic way to connect, but in the hands of a gaslighter, it becomes a weapon. [Read: 17 Good and bad types of humor and how they affect your relationship with others]

They may make jokes that belittle or demean you, and if you express that you’re hurt, they accuse you of not having a sense of humor. This tactic serves to trivialize your feelings and experiences, which is yet another form of gaslighting.

21. They Gaslight in Public Settings

Your partner isn’t just confining their manipulation to private settings; they’re bold enough to gaslight you in public or among friends. This adds a layer of humiliation to the gaslighting, making you even more hesitant to speak out.

Public gaslighting serves to isolate you further, restricting your social interactions and making you increasingly dependent on the relationship. [Read: Why am I codependent? 37 reasons and signs you overstep your boundaries in love]

22. You Start to Question Your Own Memory

You become increasingly unsure of your own recollections, doubting events, or conversations that you know took place. This self-doubt is a harmful byproduct of gaslighting in a relationship, potentially affecting your cognitive function over time.

23. They Play the Victim When Confronted

If you muster the courage to confront them about their behavior, they quickly turn it around to make themselves the victim. “I can’t believe you’d accuse me of such a thing; you’re tearing this relationship apart,” they might say.

This deflection tactic is a classic sign of gaslighting, designed to make you second-guess your own concerns and judgments. [Read: Narcissistic victim syndrome – what it is and how to escape the mess]

24. Your Physical Health Declines

The emotional and psychological toll of gaslighting can manifest physically over time. You might experience chronic stress, sleep issues, or even stress-related illnesses like headaches or digestive problems.

This deterioration in physical health can often be traced back to the constant emotional turmoil of gaslighting in a relationship.

25. You Avoid Discussing Issues

You find yourself shying away from bringing up concerns or problems in the relationship. [Read: How to resolve conflict – the 15 best ways to cut out the drama]

This isn’t because you don’t care but because past attempts have been so mentally draining that you’d rather not go through it again. This avoidance is an insidious consequence of gaslighting, affecting open communication between you and your partner.

26. They Use Your Weaknesses Against You

Let’s say you’ve been open about insecurities or past traumas. A gaslighting partner may weaponize this information to undermine you further.

They’ll use your vulnerabilities against you, making you feel exposed and even more inclined to doubt your perceptions. This is a highly damaging form of gaslighting in a relationship. [Read: Why am I so insecure? 41 signs and 51 ways to deal with insecurity and fix it]

27. You Develop Anxiety Over Ordinary Decisions

Even simple choices like what to cook for dinner or what movie to watch become stress-inducing. The fear of triggering another gaslighting episode from your partner can lead to decision-making anxiety.

You start to lose confidence in your ability to make even mundane choices, an unfortunate outcome of sustained emotional abuse.

28. They Make Promises They Never Keep

Your partner may promise to change, or even acknowledge their gaslighting briefly, but never actually take steps to improve.

These empty promises serve to keep you hopeful and thus, more likely to stay in the relationship. It’s a manipulative cycle that solidifies the presence of gaslighting in the relationship.

29. You Feel Increasingly Isolated

Over time, you may start to distance yourself from friends and family, whether consciously or subconsciously.

The emotional exhaustion from the gaslighting makes social interactions seem like too much effort. Your world starts to shrink, focusing almost entirely on the relationship and the gaslighter. [Read: Narcissistic abuse – what it is, 58 signs, and ways they hurt and break you]

How to Deal with Gaslighting

Recognizing the signs of gaslighting in a relationship is an important first step, but it’s only the beginning of the journey toward healthier interactions.

Now comes the tough but crucial part—taking action. So, for those who’ve been playing detective on their own relationships, here’s the toolkit you’ll need to disarm the gaslighter in your life.

1. Recognize the Signs

The first crucial step is acknowledging that gaslighting is occurring. This involves trusting your gut feelings and not just brushing off those red flags. [Read: Gut instinct – what it is, how it works, and 30 tips to follow and listen to your gut]

By understanding the signs, you can validate your experiences and not succumb to the gaslighter’s distorted reality.

This validation is crucial for psychological well-being, as it helps counteract the cognitive dissonance caused by gaslighting.

2. Seek Support

Opening up to trusted friends, family, or counselors about your experiences can provide you with outside perspectives that affirm your reality. [Read: True friendship – 37 real friend traits and what it takes to be a good, loyal one]

When you’re caught in the vortex of gaslighting, it can be easy to lose sight of what’s normal. Support networks can serve as a vital lifeline, providing emotional reinforcement and sometimes even tangible assistance in dealing with gaslighting in a relationship.

3. Set Boundaries

Assertiveness training, rooted in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy *CBT*, can be a useful technique here. Learning to set firm boundaries is essential for re-establishing your sense of autonomy.

Make it clear what behaviors you will not tolerate and stick to these limits. Keep in mind, setting boundaries is not about controlling the other person; it’s about safeguarding your mental well-being.

4. Professional Help

Sometimes, the impact of gaslighting is so severe that professional intervention becomes necessary. [Read: Relationship therapy – 25 clues to know if it’ll help your romance]

Whether it’s individual therapy or couples counseling, a trained psychologist can offer coping strategies and deeper insights into the emotional manipulation at play.

Professional help is often a game-changer in addressing the psychological trauma resulting from gaslighting in a relationship.

5. Document Evidence

One empirical way to counter gaslighting is to keep a record of events, conversations, or behaviors that seemed off. [Read: 46 Secrets to deal with a narcissist, break them, and handle their petty games]

This serves as an “external memory” and can also be helpful in therapeutic settings where you need to present a pattern of manipulation. The act of documenting itself can be empowering, as it tangibly validates your experiences.

6. Exit Strategy

In some cases, the best solution may be to leave the relationship altogether, especially if the gaslighting is causing severe emotional or even physical harm.

It’s essential to have an exit plan in place, including emotional support and financial resources, for when you decide to make this difficult but sometimes necessary step. [Read: Breaking up with a narcissist – 28 must-knows, what to expect, and how to do it]

7. Engage in Self-Care

Last but not least, don’t underestimate the power of self-care. Engaging in activities that bolster your self-esteem can help counterbalance the negative emotional effects of gaslighting.

Exercise, engage in hobbies, or even meditate—anything that contributes to your emotional and physical well-being.

8. Educate Yourself

Knowledge is power, and that rings especially true here. [Read: Dark triad personality – what it is and 25 signs and ways to deal with them]

By reading about gaslighting and its psychological underpinnings—like the concept of “learned helplessness,” where the victim becomes passive due to prolonged abuse—you’ll be better equipped to recognize manipulation tactics when they’re being used against you.

9. Fact-Check With a Neutral Party

Sometimes, when your reality is being constantly questioned, it helps to consult with someone who’s not involved in the situation.

Fact-checking with a neutral third party can help validate your experiences and ground you in reality. This can be especially powerful when the gaslighter uses lies or half-truths to manipulate. [Read: Psychological manipulation – how it works, 37 tactics, signs, and ways to deal with them]

10. Use the “Gray Rock” Method

This involves becoming as emotionally non-responsive as possible to the gaslighter’s provocations, essentially making yourself as uninteresting as a “gray rock.”

While it’s not an ideal long-term strategy, it can be effective in short-term interactions where other options are limited. This method minimizes the emotional feedback that the gaslighter thrives on.

11. Double Down on Your Own Reality

Affirm your own experiences, both internally and externally. [Read: 28 Self-improvement secrets to improve yourself and transform into your best self]

You can do this by journaling or through affirmations. Reiterating your own truth helps mitigate the effects of the gaslighter’s alternate reality, effectively resisting the gaslighting.

12. Safeguard Personal Information

Gaslighters often use personal information against you. A preventive measure is to keep sensitive information private, especially as you start to recognize the gaslighting behavior. This limits the gaslighter’s ammunition, reducing their power over you.

13. Consult Legal Advice

If the gaslighting takes a severe turn, involving defamation, slander, or impacts your work or custody of children, consult a legal advisor. [Read: 59 Signs it’s time to break up and give up instead of trying to fix a relationship]

While this is an extreme step, it’s essential to protect your rights and integrity, especially when gaslighting in a relationship crosses into legal territory.

14. Counteract with Mindfulness Techniques

Mindfulness practices can help you remain grounded in your own reality, making it more difficult for the gaslighter to sow seeds of doubt.

By focusing on the present and your own sensations, you can develop a stronger sense of self that’s less susceptible to manipulation. [Read: Stand up for yourself – why it’s hard and steps to get what you want and deserve]

The More We Know, the Less They—the Gaslighters—Can Control

Understanding gaslighting isn’t just a trendy topic or a psychological term to throw around at parties. It’s a lifeline, a key to protecting your emotional and psychological well-being, and sometimes even your physical safety.

Being equipped with the knowledge and tools to recognize and combat gaslighting can be the difference between remaining stuck in a damaging relationship and reclaiming your autonomy, peace, and happiness.

[Read: 10 Main types of narcissism and 18 steps to treat and help a narcissist change]

And hey, sharing what you’ve learned could be the lifeboat someone you care about desperately needs to escape the stormy waters of gaslighting in a relationship. Because the more we know, the less they—the gaslighters—can control.