23 Signs the Person You’re Dating is Too Good to Be True & Probably a Phony

Ever hear the saying, “If it’s too good to be true, it probably is?” Here are all the ways to detect whether you’re dating a phony.

We’ve all been there, haven’t we? You meet someone who’s basically the human embodiment of a firework display—bright, exciting, and you just can’t look away. They’re funny, drop-dead gorgeous, and can quote your favorite movies. A perfect score on the “Are You My Soulmate?” quiz, right? But hold on, let’s not get carried away. A balanced perspective in relationships is essential, because not everything that glitters is gold. So how exactly can we tell if that sparkling someone is genuinely too good to be true?

The Psychology Behind “Too Good To Be True”

How does this “too good to be true” phenomenon actually happen?

Imagine you’re browsing through a dating app and you come across a profile that ticks all your boxes. Physically attractive, check. Similar interests, check. Clever bio, check.

Naturally, your brain does a little happy dance and immediately puts this person on a pedestal. Welcome to the ‘halo effect,’ where our grey matter gives someone an overly positive review based on a few checkboxes.

But what happens when they text you at 2 a.m., saying they “miss you” after just one date? A part of you is flattered, but another part of you wonders, “Is this normal?”

This internal conflict is known as cognitive dissonance, and it’s like a mini-battle royale between what you want to believe and what’s probably the truth.

Lastly, what if you’ve already introduced them to your friends, picked out future vacation spots, and maybe even given them a drawer in your apartment?

Now, even if red flags start waving like they’re at a parade, it’s tough to just walk away. This is where emotional investment and the ‘sunk cost fallacy‘ come into play. You’ve invested so much; it feels like you can’t turn back now, right?

Glaring Signs They’re Too Good to Be True

Alright, you’ve got a little crush—or maybe a big one. But remember, when something seems too good to be true, it often is.

So how can you spot the red flags before you’re seeing the world through rose-colored glasses? Let’s break down some tell-tale signs that the person you’re dating might just be putting on an act.

1. Mirroring

You love jazz, they love jazz. You hate pineapple on pizza, they claim it’s an abomination. Seems perfect, right?

Not so fast. This could be a case of “mirroring,” a psychological tactic where a person imitates your likes, dislikes, and even your style to win you over.

The goal here could be to create a fast emotional bond that might not have time to organically develop otherwise.

2. Avoidance of Personal Topics

Ever notice how they artfully dodge questions about past relationships or future plans? A person who avoids personal or sensitive topics might be hiding something more sinister than a bad credit score.

[Read: How to get someone to open up to you so you can really connect]

3. Too Many ‘White Lies’

They told you they were a night owl, yet you find them consistently asleep by 9 PM, or they’re supposedly at the gym but their location shows otherwise.

These small lies may seem inconsequential but could be indicative of a larger pattern of dishonesty. Frequent dishonesty is often a preemptive strategy to cover up bigger, more damaging lies or actions.

[Read: 20 okayish white lies & things you should never lie about on a first date]

4. Overwhelming Charm

They sweep you off your feet, literally and metaphorically. You find yourself completely enamored by their wit, compliments, and grand gestures. But charm can sometimes be a smoke screen.

Ever heard of love bombing? It’s the use of overwhelming affection and attention to manipulate and control. It’s important to differentiate between genuine affection and a manipulative ploy to win you over.

5. Inconsistencies

One day they’re vegan, the next they’re wolfing down a cheeseburger. If their core values or lifestyle habits seem to flip-flop based on the day or situation, it’s a red flag.

These inconsistencies often reveal a lack of genuine identity and could indicate that they’re crafting their persona to be whoever they think will most impress you—or whoever they need to be to achieve their goals.

6. Speeding Through Relationship Milestones

It’s only been a few weeks, but they’re already planning a romantic weekend getaway or dropping the “L” word.

While it may feel exhilarating, moving too quickly through relationship milestones could indicate impulsive behavior, or worse, a calculated effort to secure your emotional investment quickly, making it harder for you to leave later on.

[Read: 25 signs your relationship is moving too fast & the best ways to slow it down]

7. Overcompensating Compliments

You find that they are excessively complimentary, especially focusing on your insecurities. For instance, if you’ve mentioned feeling unattractive, they lay on the physical compliments thick.

This is often a tactic used to make you emotionally dependent on them for validation.

8. Your Friends Don’t Like Them

Your friends have met them, and let’s just say they’re not planning the wedding. Sometimes those closest to us can see red flags that we’re missing, especially if we’re in the throes of a new relationship.

If multiple friends are voicing concerns, it may be worth taking a step back and reassessing the relationship from a more objective standpoint.

[Read: Help! My friends don’t like my boyfriend!]

9. Lack of Emotional Availability

If your new beau is physically present but emotionally distant, take note. This may indicate an avoidant attachment style, meaning they might not be capable of forming deep, meaningful connections.

They may be great at physical intimacy but fail to provide emotional support when you need it most.

[Read: What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable 19 signs & fixes]

10. Selective Communication

Ever notice they only reach out when it’s convenient for them or when they need something? This intermittent reinforcement keeps you guessing and is a common tactic used to maintain control in the relationship.

In psychology, intermittent reinforcement is one of the most effective ways to get someone deeply hooked.

11. Financial Red Flags

They seem to have a lavish lifestyle but are evasive about their work or financial commitments. While this could be a simple privacy preference, it may also be indicative of financial irresponsibility or dishonesty about their true lifestyle.

Money management reflects a person’s self-discipline and integrity, traits that are critical in a partner.

12. Poor Conflict Resolution Skills

When disagreements arise, they either explode in anger or shut down completely. Effective communication and conflict resolution are critical for any lasting relationship.

Poor skills in this area might indicate emotional immaturity or even manipulative tendencies, like using the silent treatment as a form of punishment.

13. Boundary Violations

Do they make decisions that affect both of you without consulting you first?

Violating personal or relational boundaries shows a lack of respect and can indicate a need for power and control, hallmarks of a potentially abusive relationship.

14. Your Boo Is Kind Of A People Pleaser

At first, their eagerness to please you in every way seems endearing. But if they’re also bending over backward for everyone else around them, this could be a sign.

Excessive people-pleasing often stems from an anxious attachment style and a need for external validation.

While it might make you feel special initially, it can lead to an imbalanced relationship where their self-worth is overly dependent on your approval.

[Read: People pleaser: 21 signs you’re one & how to stop people pleasing]

15. You Never, Ever Have Any Conflicts — Ever

Sure, the honeymoon phase is all about floating on cloud nine, but if you find that you never argue or disagree about anything, raise an eyebrow.

This could indicate conflict avoidance, which is a reluctance to address issues for fear of causing tension. Ignoring conflicts is actually an unhealthy way of dealing with problems and could lead to bigger issues down the line.

16. Nothing is Ever Their Fault

Have you noticed that whenever something goes wrong, it’s never their fault?

This could be a classic case of external locus of control, a psychological term where individuals attribute their actions and outcomes to external factors, avoiding personal responsibility.

Over time, this lack of accountability can erode trust and create a one-sided relationship where you’re left holding the bag for everything that goes wrong.

What To Do If Your Date Seems Too Good To Be True

So, you’ve read all the signs and they point to your new sweetheart being, well, too good to be true. It’s a bummer, but all hope isn’t lost!

Here are some practical steps you can take to address your concerns without blowing up the budding relationship.

1. Open Communication

The power of a candid conversation can’t be overstated. Start by picking a neutral location that’s conducive to an open discussion.

Frame your concerns using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For instance, instead of saying, “You never open up,” try, “I feel like there are parts of you that you’re not sharing, and it’s affecting how close I feel to you.”

This promotes a less defensive environment, making it more likely you’ll get honest responses. It’s a strategy rooted in what psychologists call “nonviolent communication.”

[Read: 31 communication exercises & games for couples and secrets to feel closer]

2. Reality Check

When emotions are running high, it’s easy to ignore the signs. Consult your friends and family about your relationship. Use their feedback as a counterbalance to your own feelings.

You could say, “Hey, you’ve met [Name]. Do you get the feeling they’re being genuine?” This sort of consensus reality is a powerful tool in gauging the legitimacy of your own perceptions and feelings.

3. Set Emotional Boundaries

If someone is “too good to be true,” it can be easy to lose yourself in the relationship. Setting emotional boundaries means clearly defining what you are comfortable with, emotionally and physically.

The concept here is differentiation, a term from family systems theory, which emphasizes the importance of being an individual within a relationship.

[Read: Boundaries in a relationship: 43 healthy dating rules you MUST set early on]

4. Self-Reflection and Journaling

Take time to reflect on your feelings and thoughts about the relationship. Documenting these in a journal can offer insights you may miss otherwise.

Writing can offer emotional catharsis and even lead to better mental health. Journaling is a form of introspection, and it can help you better understand your reservations and concerns.

5. Professional Help

If your concerns persist and the relationship is still in the ‘potential long-term’ category, consider involving a relationship counselor.

Professionals can facilitate dialogue, promote emotional honesty, and point out unhealthy patterns you might not see.

This isn’t a step to take lightly and should come after you’ve tried other methods of resolution. It’s also worth noting that both parties have to be willing to participate for therapy to be effective.

6. Check Their Digital Footprint

A little digital detective work can be illuminating. Compare what they’ve told you with their online presence—LinkedIn, social media, even Google search results.

This will help you corroborate their story and spot any inconsistencies. The goal isn’t to stalk but to validate.

7. Trust Your Gut

In psychological terms, what we call a ‘gut feeling’ is often our brain picking up on inconsistencies that we haven’t consciously processed.

If something feels off, that’s your intuition talking, and it’s worth listening to. Consider this your internal alarm system; it can be surprisingly accurate in assessing character and integrity.

[Read: Gut instinct: What it is, how it works & 30 tips to follow & listen to your gut]

Jane & John Doe — The Fairytale With a Twist

You might be wondering how all these psychology terms and red flags play out in a real-world scenario. Well, cozy up with your favorite snack, because we’ve got a case study that’s as engaging as your latest Netflix binge. Meet Jane and John Doe.

Their whirlwind romance seemed perfect, almost too good to be true. But was it? Let’s unpack this modern-day fairytale and see what lessons we can glean.

Jane met John on a popular dating app. He was charming, handsome, and incredibly attentive. His profile seemed impeccable: volunteering at animal shelters, a well-paying job as a software engineer, and rave reviews as “the best uncle ever” from his niece and nephew.

Phase 1: The Halo Effect

Jane was instantly smitten, experiencing what psychologists call the “halo effect.”

John seemed so perfect that Jane found herself ignoring little inconsistencies, like how he was always too busy with work to hang out with friends or family.

Her brain’s “confirmation bias” made her focus only on his positive traits.

Phase 2: Cognitive Dissonance and Reality Check

As weeks passed, Jane started noticing that John was avoiding any serious topics, especially about past relationships or future plans.

She felt a nagging sense of cognitive dissonance but ignored it until her best friend, Lisa, expressed concerns.

Jane sought more opinions and realized that perhaps John was indeed too good to be true.

Phase 3: Open Communication and Professional Help

Jane decided to bring up her concerns in a neutral setting. John became defensive, dodging her questions.

At this point, Jane considered it prudent to seek professional help. The therapist immediately pointed out the imbalance in emotional investment and suggested techniques to foster open communication.

Phase 4: Digital Footprint and Conclusion

Not convinced, Jane decided to check John’s digital footprint. To her dismay, she discovered that he’d exaggerated about his job and found no evidence of his volunteering claims.

Coupled with the therapist’s input, she realized it was time to reassess the relationship. Trusting her gut and employing emotional intelligence, she decided to part ways with John.

So, Is Your New Squeeze Too Good to be True?

In the fast-paced world of modern dating, where swiping right feels like an emotional Russian roulette, it’s crucial to strike a balance between idealization and healthy skepticism.

While a passionate whirlwind feels exhilarating, remember that a lasting relationship is a two-way street built on trust and, yes, a bit of verification.

Just because someone seems too good to be true, don’t toss your detective hat. Keep that magnifying glass handy; your heart will thank you for it. And hey, even Cinderella had to make sure her prince wasn’t just some guy with a foot fetish. So, is your new squeeze too good to be true? Well, now you know!