How to Date an Introvert: 41 Must-Knows Before & During the Relationship

Dating an introvert can be a wonderful experience, but you need to understand them carefully beforehand. Remember, quiet doesn’t always mean shy. 

Many people think of themselves as introverts because they like movies, reading, and being indoors on crappy days. However, a true introvert has an entire personality that not many people even get to witness. In that case, dating an introvert requires information beforehand.

As a modern culture, we value people with traits associated with extroverts–people who are outgoing, open, and naturally social. But by placing these characteristics in the forefront of what’s important to us as a society, we put a great deal of pressure on introverts to adopt those traits.

We assume that all introverts are shy and lack charisma because they don’t seek out the spotlight like extroverts. Introverts, however, can become open and social in certain situations. If introverts feel comfortable or feel the need to speak up, there is no reason why they wouldn’t. [Read: Motivational tips and tricks for shy people and introverts]

What is an introvert?

For those of you who aren’t familiar with what exactly an introvert is, we’ll explain it as simply as we can. Basically, from an outsider’s view, an introvert is someone who is shy, withdrawn, and even sometimes antisocial.

An introvert is REALLY a person who is drained by being around a ton of people. They gain their energy when they’re alone, oftentimes pursuing creative projects. They can’t handle huge crowds for very long, and they find complete happiness in being alone. [Read: Introverts vs. extroverts – which side are you on?]

The best things about being an introvert

While introverts get a bad rep for being awkward and shy, they actually have some great qualities that are often overlooked in a world that loves naturally social people. Introverts have many hidden qualities that make them great friends, partners, and colleagues.

1. Introverts take time to develop deeper relationships

Extroverts tend to surround themselves with a larger group of people, whereas introverts usually run in smaller circles. Most often, this means that they get to know people on a much deeper and more meaningful level. It’s the old “quality versus quantity” debate.

While extroverts have more friends and acquaintances, they can’t always be expected to know intimate details about these people. Introverts take the time to really get to know the people in their circle. They listen to people’s needs and wants and take the time to support them. [Read: Charming ways to be more approachable without saying a word]

2. Introverts observe first and then speak up

The loudest voice is not always the most reliable or valuable. Introverts can often be found on the outskirts of a conversation, observing and reading the situation.

They don’t feel the need to chime in on every detail, but if they feel that there is something crucial they need to add, they will take the time to form a great response and deliver it.

3. Introverts take the time to think and then act

Extroverts are known to jump straight into a conversation and act quickly without thinking about the effects of their words and actions. However, introverts take the time to process information, look at what’s in front of them, and then make a perceptive decision.

Yes, it’s true that people often think that introverts are slow to act, but their deliberateness is their strength. Introverts also have a knack for keeping calm in stressful situations, and this is extremely important when something requires finesse. [Read: 15 easy conversation starters for introverts looking to socialize]

4. Introverts excel at being able to focus

We’ve all seen extroverts at work bouncing from one thing to the next and trying to get everything done at once. While their energy is admirable, it can also be ineffective.

Introverts can focus on a goal and deliver. They know how to harness their energy and concentrate on producing great results, whether in personal or professional relationships.

5. Introverts are excellent listeners

If you’ve ever been in a relationship with an introvert, you know that they’re listening because they’re not only talking less but also taking in your concerns and coming up with something meaningful to say. Extroverts, though they can also be helpful, may sometimes seem like they’re listening when, in fact, they’re just waiting for their turn to speak. [Read: 19 ways to be a much better listener in a relationship and read their mind]

Things everyone should know before dating an introvert

It may sound like a chore to date someone who is so withdrawn and distant from a lot of people. In all reality, dating an introvert can be one of the most rewarding things you’ll ever do.

However, there are certain aspects of introverted behavior that you’ll have to know about before diving into a relationship with one. Here are all the things you need to know before dating an introvert.

1. They need alone time

They don’t just like watching Netflix by themselves because it means they’re ditching their responsibilities. They NEED to sit and watch Netflix by themselves in order to be sane. Alone time is what they need to refuel themselves.

They can’t spend day in and day out being around someone else. This might make it frustrating for you if you want to spend the day with them and they don’t want to be around you, even if they’re just chilling at home alone. [Read: How to make the absolute most out of your alone time]

2. You might think they’re upset, but they’re not

Just because they want to leave a bar or party early doesn’t mean they’re mad or upset. It just means that they’ve hit their quota for how much “people time” they can handle at once. They’re perfectly fine as long as they get away from the crowd in a reasonable amount of time.

3. They’re not shy

People mistake introverted people for shy people all the time. The truth is that if you approach them and strike up a conversation, they’ll be more than happy to talk to you without an issue. They actually love to talk to people.

The problem comes when too many people start to talk to them at the same time, and they can’t balance them all at once. So instead of trying, they just sort of shut down and don’t speak, thus, making them look pretty shy. [Read: Why introverts are much more than just shy and awkward]

4. If you don’t hear from them for a while, they’re not mad but recuperating

They don’t need constant communication with their significant others. In fact, they don’t even want it. So if they kind of go MIA for a few days with only a couple texts here and there, they’re probably not mad at you – they’re just refueling.

5. Don’t spring things on them last minute

Hello, anxiety! Introverts usually plan their days to be spent at home reading or watching a movie. They do like to go out every now and then, but they like to do so if they’ve planned for it.

Surprising them with a last-minute night out will fill them with anxiety and will most likely result in a response of, “Oh, sorry! I have plans already,” even if their plans only involve them, a bath, and a good book. [Read: How to plan a romantic evening when you’re broke]

6. They can’t spend more than a few hours in a crowd

And that’s pushing it. A concert is about all they can take, and then they need complete solitude for a good hour in order to replenish the lost energy. So don’t expect them to spend a day out in public and then a night on the town. They can’t do it! [Read: Motivational tips-n-tricks for shy people and introverts]

7. They’ll be very loyal to you

They’re not about going out and finding many other people to talk to, be with, and take home. No! That being said, they will be the most loyal to you.

They don’t want to spend the energy going to look for someone else when they’ve already found what they want. [Read: 18 emotional affair signs you probably didn’t notice]

8. You’ll never have to worry about them going out for too long

Send them out for a night with their friends and you’ll get them back within a few hours, tops. You’ll never have to worry about them going out and staying out.

9. You can always expect they’ll be down for a movie/chill night

If you’ve had a rough day and want to cancel plans for going out that night, don’t think for a second that they’ll be bummed about it. They would prefer a movie night over an outing any day.

10. They’re not always verbal about their feelings

Introverts tend to hide their feelings more than other personality types. You won’t always know when they’re mad, sad, upset, or even happy. You may have to ask more often than not if you really want to know what they’re feeling. [Read: Ways to read mixed signals and turn the signs into love]

11. They will never call the pizza delivery guys

Or the Chinese food place or anywhere, for that matter. Introverts HATE being on the phone with strangers. It’ll take a lot for them to actually make a phone call, and if you call from a different phone and they don’t have the number, don’t expect them to answer because they won’t.

12. They love cuddling

Even though introverts don’t like being around a lot of people, they love being close to the people they do enjoy being around. This means that they love cuddling. Coming in for a close hug will leave them elated. [Read: How to cuddle – cuddling positions to be a loving cuddler]

13. They love animals

Animals are different than people. For most introverts, animals actually serve the purpose of energizing them. They can be in the middle of hundreds of different animals for hours on end and never feel the exhaustion of being in a crowd.

This means that you should prepare to have a lot of pets around because they love their company. They don’t get drained from an animal’s company.

14. They get frustrated by their introverted ways sometimes

If for some reason, they suddenly get annoyed and frustrated, it might not have anything to do with you. They could be mad at themselves for being such introverts when they want to be extroverts.

They WANT to go to that party, they WANT to go on that cruise, and they WANT to be introduced to all of your friends. However, they just can’t handle those things all the time, and it can make them mad. So just understand that when they’re mad for no reason, sometimes there really is a reason, and that reason just might be themselves. [Read: Why introverts are much more than just shy and awkward]

15. They rarely make the first move

Talking to people is taxing enough. Talking to someone you like is usually even more difficult. Introverts prefer it when they hold the reins in a conversation, but it’s counterintuitive for them when they start the conversation.

They function better when they focus on creative and thoughtful pursuits rather than social interactions with strangers or people they hardly know.

16. They’re not as expressive as extroverts

They process things quietly and subtly. Extroverts seem to prefer analyzing things when surrounded by people or when there’s someone there to throw their ideas at.

When it comes to dating, it can be a little hard to determine what an introvert is thinking. They prefer to internally analyze their situation instead of telling their partner how they feel about it. [Read: How to express your feelings]

17. They are mostly non-confrontational

Introverts are the kind of people who won’t directly start a fight. They usually approach disagreements using passive-aggressive tactics or subtle expressions of their emotions.

This is probably the perfect example of your partner telling you nothing is wrong when, in fact, something is very wrong. [Read: Reasons people have a fear of confrontation]

How to date an introvert

Now that you know how an introvert functions, you’ll need some direct tips on how to date one. Handily, we’ve got you covered.

1. Do your homework

Most people are only aware of the basics of being an introvert. They don’t realize that introverts aren’t just people who don’t like being around other people. There’s more to it than that.

Learn more about them for the sake of your relationship. [Read: Dating an introvert – 15 adorable quirks that set them apart]

2. Forget what you know

Throw away all of your assumptions about introverts. Not all of them like staying at home. Not all of them can’t function in a crowded setting. There’s so much more that you don’t realize about introverts.

It’s high time you learn about it directly from the source – your partner.

3. Connect with your inner zen master

Being with an introvert seems like a good deal considering that they usually keep to themselves, but that’s only a small concession. Introverts are highly unpredictable, even more than their extroverted counterparts.

Things may get a little tough, and the fact that they’re introverts means you won’t reach them as easily. [Read: How to calm down]

4. Find your inner yin and yang

For your relationship to work, consider what your partner needs, and urge them to consider your needs, as well. Look for a sense of balance between how you treat each other and how you spend time together.

Put yourselves in each other’s shoes, and experience what the other offers. Share your interests, try things the other person likes, and always consider their views and opinions. [Read: Compromise in a relationship – tips to give in without losing]

5. Work with what you’ve got

You can’t change a person. Even they can’t force themselves to change, so it’s a moot point. Let things run their course.

Your partner may never adapt to being an extrovert, but it’s hardly the end of the world. Acceptance is the key to maintaining a relationship with an introvert.

Forcing them out of their comfort zone can only end badly. The most you can do is suggest that they try to step out of it from time to time. [Read: Powerful steps to break out of your comfort zone]

6. Mellow out

If you’re highly extroverted, your partner might see this as a threat to the relationship. You do not need to change, but you do have to adjust yourself accordingly. Extroverts are highly energetic, and it’s likely that introverts feel overwhelmed by their intensity.

If you’ve been dating for a while, it’s not too late to work on this. Just try to spend some downtime with your partner. A little peace and quiet might help. [Read: How to calm down when you’re angry and regain your composure quickly]

7. Ask nicely

Introverts can sometimes be reluctant to do the things their extroverted partners want to do, like go somewhere fun and exciting. When you’re faced with decisions like this, it’s better to ask your partner nicely.

Don’t force or manipulate *i.e., guilt-tripping, passive-aggressive statements, etc.* them into doing what you want.

Tell them why it’s a good idea, and be honest about how you feel about it. They’re more likely to consider things when they know it makes you happy and not because rejecting the idea might make you feel bad. [Read: Dating questions: – 80 questions to ask before getting serious]

8. Let them lead

To become a better partner to your introverted love, help them grow out of their shell. There is nothing bad about being an introvert. However, having a partner means striving to be better and create a more meaningful connection with them.

That can’t happen when you close yourself off from new things.

Let your partner make decisions or plan what you’re both going to do. Show them that being an introvert does not mean you’ll end up being the more outgoing and proactive member of this relationship. [Read: Introverts vs. extroverts – which side are you on?]

9. Make the first move

Initiate. Wondering how to date an introvert and impress them? Making the first move is your safest bet because introverts are generally reluctant to approach people they hardly know. Aside from that, you can find out what your chances are from the start. [Read: How to make a move on a girl – ultimate ways to seal the deal]

10. Reach out to them in a quiet setting or on social media

You want your introverted partner to be at their most comfortable, which is away from a lot of people.

Talk to them in a quiet place or send them a message on social media, and you’ll get a better response.

11. Be clear about your intentions

Honesty gets you further than you think. Opening up to a person shows that you’re trustworthy. Openly and honestly is also the best way to start a relationship. [Read: Being brutally honest – scenarios when its an obligation]

12. Don’t be aggressive

Being honest is different from being aggressively frank. You don’t have to be too forward. Tell your love interest how you feel, but don’t make them feel uncomfortable about it.

13. Make your first date relaxing

It’s an easy choice to make, considering your crush doesn’t like to be thrown into a crowd of people. Say no to concerts and yes to intimate acoustic sets. [Read: Top 50 amazing first date ideas to wow your date]

However, just because your partner’s an introvert does not mean that they don’t want to experience new and exciting things from time to time. Go bungee jumping if you want to, but not with a crowd.

14. Communicate as much as you can

This is extremely important because it’s the only way for you to know how you feel about each other and anything else that concerns your relationship. But you need to focus on listening, too.

15. Refrain from too many public displays of affection

PDAs draw strange and disapproving looks, but your partner will be more concerned about the fact that a lot of people are looking. When out and about, stick to small, simple gestures. [Read: Couples and social media PDA – to share or not to share?]

16. Ease them into your social circle

Your friends are still strangers, which means your partner won’t be enthusiastic about meeting them all in a group. Try to introduce them in small groups instead of letting them meet at a party.

It’s the same concept with family, but more intense. There’s a different air about meeting someone’s family because they are a more permanent fixture in your partner’s life. [Read: How to be more outgoing – ways to help your partner step out of their comfort zone]

17. Know when to step back

Your partner needs to constantly interact with you, which makes it that much harder for them to find their happy place. Give them some space, but try to be there when they need you.

18. Learn from each other

Being together is not enough. You need to learn from your partner and vice versa so that you can grow together. Introverts learn just as much from their extroverted partners, you know. [Read: 60 get-to-know-you questions for a new romance]

19. Make them feel safe

The best way to do this is to let them know that you accept them, no matter who they are. Introversion is not a flaw, but not being able to cope with it can be difficult for your partner.

It’s not easy to be with someone who feels more empowered by themselves. You need to know when to let go and when to step forward. This type of balance can be achieved by being a patient and understanding partner. [Read: Unrealistic expectations that can ruin your love life]

Introverts have depths you need to understand

We place so much interest in extroverts these days that we seem to see introverts as lacking in some way. By this point, you should understand that’s not the truth at all. Introverts are extremely deep, and their depths are what make them special.

Take the time to understand your partner, and don’t force them to change. There is nothing wrong with their introverted self. They just need you to understand their limitations.

[Read: The introvert’s foolproof guide to dating an extrovert]

There are a few things that make dating an introvert difficult, but there’s even more to love. Before you set your sights on an introverted person, you should know the quirks they have first.