Blowing Hot and Cold: Why They Do This, The Stages & How to Handle It

Dating can be frustrating, but when someone is blowing hot and cold, it makes it even worse. Here’s why they do it, the stages, and how to handle it.

When your new lover starts blowing hot and cold, it can be upsetting. First, you’re bound to start thinking ‘what am I doing wrong?,’ ‘is everything okay with them?,’ and worse still, ‘is there someone else?’

Most relationships go through the blowing hot and cold phase at some stage, but if it’s happening repeatedly, it’s time to stop what you’re doing and assess the situation.

Assessing the temperature

What do you need to know? Basically, this person is blowing hot and cold because they’re scared, and they’re trying to protect themselves. Perhaps they’ve been hurt before, or this is their first big relationship, and that in itself terrifies them.

Whatever the reason, it’s a defense mechanism and doesn’t always have to reflect back on you. [Read: Why a man pulls away and what you can do about it]

Of course, it could also be that they’re just downright flaky, and they’re blowing hot and cold because they don’t know what they want, they’re toying with you, or they’re not sure if this relationship is what they want anymore. Can you see how confusing this situation can be?

Why do people blow hot and cold?

In the early days of dating, it can be exciting, but it can also be frustrating. It’s so confusing when a guy or girl you like suddenly goes hot and cold on you. You think that they like you, but then the next day you’re not sure. 

Why do men and women act this way all of a sudden?

[Read: Is he leading you on? 28 signs and reasons why he’s playing games]

1. They’re really not sure of how they feel

You probably don’t want to hear this, but there is a chance they’re not sure how they feel about you. It’s never good to know that someone isn’t sure how much they like you or if they even want to date you. But unfortunately, it’s the truth.

And it happens a lot. Try not to take it personally. There could be a variety of reasons why someone may take a step back instead of wanting to get exclusive with you. [Read: He likes you but doesn’t want a relationship with you? Here’s what you need to do next]

2. They’re doing it on purpose to act cool

Let’s face it – sometimes guys and girls like to play mind games. It gives them a sense of power and control over the relationship.

Obviously, that’s not a nice thing to do to you! If someone is taking a long time to reply to your texts or goes days without contact, they might be doing it so you don’t think they’re too over-eager.

3. They’re using reverse psychology

This person might think the more they act uninterested, the more you will want them. That means they want you to wait around for them, and expect you to do the pursuing and move the relationship forward.

Again, this is a power play on their part. They’re trying to manipulate your feelings into desiring them more than you actually might if they weren’t blowing hot and cold. [Read: Have you ever wondered how to use reverse psychology correctly?]

4. They’re talking to others

This is also something you don’t want to hear, but they could also be dating or talking to other girls or guys – not just you. And if that’s true, then their attention isn’t just on you.

They may have to split their time between you and one or more dating potentials. So, when they’re blowing hot and cold, it could mean that they are just talking to or spending time with someone else.

5. Something else is going on in their life

It may have absolutely nothing to do with you. After all, the person you like is human and has other things going on in their life besides dating. So, they may be really busy or have something else happening that’s very important right now.

You may be frustrated that they’re not reaching out or reciprocating, but what if their mind is occupied with something else that’s way more stressful and important? *of course, this doesn’t hold good if they’re still casually active on social media and posting regular updates!* [Read: 25 honest truths and ways to stop feeling ignored by someone you like]

6. They want to go slowly

Although they may seem to really like you and want to see you, there is a chance they might just want to slow things down with you.

This person might really like you, but they might not be ready to get serious with anyone, so they’re putting on the brakes by blowing hot and cold. [Read: How to fall in love slowly – 28 steps to create a real life fairy tale]

7. They’re not interested anymore

You really don’t want to hear this one, but they may have just completely lost interest, but they don’t know how to tell you. They may not want to hurt your feelings or come across as looking like a jerk.

It’s possible that they may be acting like that too so you get sick of them and end it before they have to. [Read: 27 signs she’s not interested in you anymore and is starting to get bored]

The 3 stages of blowing hot and cold

To break it down, there are actually three stages to blowing hot and cold. It’s important to understand each one, so you can figure out which part of the process you’re at, and whether or not there is time or hope to salvage the situation.

1. The first stage of blowing hot and cold

The first flourishes of any relationship are addictive. You get all that attention, everything is exciting, it’s all flirtatious, and you have constant butterflies. What could be better? The problem? It never lasts forever. [Read: How long before your honeymoon phase ends?]

The hope is that things just even out to a more comfortable level and the relationship continues, but what if it’s not like that? The alternative is that suddenly you notice your dates are less frequent, texts take longer to reply to, or you don’t get a reply at all, and when they’re around, it’s just a little… off?

It’s totally normal to wonder what is going on and to probably think you’ve done something wrong. So as a result, you chase them. Big mistake! Many women and men have done their fair share of chasing and it never usually works out.

You might think that you said something they didn’t like, accidentally insulted their mother without realizing it, or something else that you simply couldn’t put your finger on, but you know what? It is usually never you.

This guy or girl you like has suddenly gone cold. It might be tepid at this point, but the tipping point is whether they continue to go even more chilly, or warm up. [Read: All the reasons why chasing a guy never helps]

2. The second stage of blowing hot and cold

If you go into the second stage, you’ve got a slight player on your hands. You’ll understand why when we get onto the third stage.

Stage two is freezing your budding relationship. They suddenly don’t text back at all, they start canceling dates, and there’s no ‘I can’t do tonight, but how about tomorrow.’ Tomorrow literally never comes.

By this point, you’re confused, completely and utterly flummoxed. What on earth did you do wrong? When this happens, some people turn into a jibbering wreck.

Then, you go through every event in your mind with a fine-tooth comb. You think, did my hair look a mess for a few days and he couldn’t stand it? Did I insult her in some way? Is it because I didn’t wear makeup that one morning?

Seriously, people go through the smallest, most ridiculous details to find the reasons for someone else blowing hot and cold. You’re likely to chase even more at this point too. It’s not dignified, but we’ve all done it.

The bottom line is if a girl or guy has gone freezing on you because you had bed hair one morning, seriously, do you want them around?

By the end of this second stage, you give up hope. You realize that this person is a douchebag and it’s time to move on, so you do. You stop texting, calling, and you start going out with your friends more. [Read: Ignoring a guy – Why it works, where it goes wrong and how to do it right]

3. The third *and most confusing* stage

Now, this is where we see their true colors. This person realizes that you’re not calling, and they’re probably been stalking your social media accounts, noticing that you’ve been going out a little more. Then?

Your phone will ring, or a message will come in. They’ll want to meet up. It will be super-casual at first, ‘fancy meeting Friday night?.’ You’ll be so gobsmacked for a moment that you start doing that unattractive goldfish impression. You know the one.

What do you do? You might be keen to meet them again to try and figure out what went wrong, to get some answers. Was it really you? Why did he stop calling? Does she like you but something kept her busy?

But, you need to think carefully here. There is a very good chance that this person is playing and using you, and these stages will keep repeating themselves on a loop until they literally drive you borderline crazy. Do you want that?

Someone may have done this previously too, and because you’re a curious cat, you never know what’s good for you.

The outcome? After a couple of weeks you will be back at stage one, and then two, and by the time stage three came again, you should be wise to their games. [Read: How to handle the guys who ghost and come back]

Is there ever a positive outcome when someone blows hold and cold?

You might be reading this and shaking your head in dismay. Is this really what your new relationship is going to look like in a few weeks? While not 100% certain, the chances are high.

It’s probably not the news you wanted. But it’s best to know now, rather than wait until you’re a few months in, your heart is invested, and they suddenly drop colder than an Eskimo in a cold snap.

You deserve to get what you want out of a relationship, e.g. warmth, companionship, passion, friendship, a feeling of being loved. Why would you settle for someone acting like a hairdryer with several heat settings? [Read: My relationship with a narcissist and what it means to love one]

Of course, there is always the possibility that something is going on in their life that they haven’t told you about, like stress at work, and it causes them to act in this way.

But if that’s the case, the cycle of stages won’t repeat. You’ll never find yourself back at stage one after the first time. It’s up to you to give a second chance, only you can make the right decision for yourself, but always be wary.

The bottom line really is this: a guy or girl who is truly into you will not run the risk of losing you. If they do make a mess the first time, they won’t risk it twice! [Read: Why you need to be slow and steady if you’re getting back together]

How to deal with someone who is blowing hot and cold

Now that you know why people blow hot and cold and the stages they go through, you need to know how to deal with this. So, here is some advice.

1. Stay calm and rational

Don’t let your emotions get the best of you. Sure, they’re being a jerk and they may be playing games with you, but you want to hold yourself together and stay calm.

Don’t get angry and then send them nasty text messages or post about them on social media. If they weren’t sure about you before, this behavior is definitely not going to help you regain their interest. In fact, it’ll probably have the opposite effect! [Read: How to respond like a grown-up when someone ignores you on purpose]

2. This may be their personality

You might be used to guys falling all over you. So, if he’s just acting less enthusiastic than the other ones, maybe you’re underestimating his level of interest.

He might just be very laid back and not very expressive. You just need to decide whether or not that’s the kind of person you want to date.

3. Stay busy

When you are frustrated that the person you’re dating is blowing hot and cold, you might sit around and wait to hear from them.

But you shouldn’t do that. Stay busy. Go out with friends, and maybe even date other people too. Keep your options open and have some fun.

4. Be direct

Too many times, we just sit around and overanalyze and make assumptions about what is going on with someone that is blowing hot and cold. But really, you won’t know for sure unless you ask them.

Of course, you don’t have to call them out in a nasty way. So, just be direct and ask them if they want to continue dating or not. [Read: 18 secrets to get a man to open up, communicate, and understand you]

5. Know when to move on

You need to follow your gut instinct. IF it’s telling you that this person you’re seeing is losing interest, then there is no use in hanging on.

Why would you want to date someone who doesn’t really like you that much? It’s much better to cut your losses and find the right person who will appreciate you.

You’re hot then you’re cold …

A person blowing between temperatures is confusing and downright exhausting. Do you really have time to sit there and second guess whether they’re going to be all in that day or not? Of course not!

The best advice is to focus on yourself and if this Hot-n-Cold person wants to figure themselves out, they know where you are. Whether you’re happy to put them on defrost is a choice only you can make.

[Read: 27 painful and soul-crushing signs your crush doesn’t like you back in the same way]

It’s not worth turning the tables and trying it on them, because people who are blowing hot and cold have less patience than us. They’re more likely to just let go if they find out that you can’t be played to their tune.