18 Secrets to Get a Man to Open Up, Communicate & Understand You

Learning how to get a man to communicate with you isn’t the easiest. Some guys simply don’t like to open up. But with encouragement, it’s possible. 

Sometimes, it can be difficult to communicate our thoughts and feelings with a guy. It may seem as if everything you say to him is going in one ear and out the other. The reality is that guys communicate in a simple and logical way. If you want to learn how to get a man to communicate with you, it’s essential to say exactly what you mean.

Guys do not require codes or hints when it comes to communication. Most of the time, they are open to hearing you out. The problem lies in assuming that he is ignoring you or he is not open to what you have to say. Maybe it’s your approach that could use some tweaking.

What may seem like a typical conversation to you may make your guy feel like it’s a lecture. It might seem like some form of criticism, or worse, a trick question that he has no way of ever answering properly.

Before you know it, miscommunication ensues, and you’re both simmering with frustration at each other. [Read: The secrets to effective communication in a relationship]

How to get a man to communicate with you

So how do you get your boyfriend to communicate with you? Here are some helpful ideas!

1. Simply let him know that it’s okay to talk to you about his emotions

Women sometimes forget, but men are often told in one way or another that discussing their emotions is “girly,” or reflects weakness.

This can stem from a childhood experience where they were maligned for crying during their baseball game, or from their fathers always encouraging them to be strong.

Whatever the case may be, many men have learned to equate being emotionally vulnerable with being unmanly or weak.

So, if you want your man to let his guard down and genuinely speak to you about his emotions, you might need to let him know that you will not think less of him for doing it. [Read: 35 signs a man is emotionally connected and ready to talk to you]

2. Reward him when he does express himself well

If you notice that your boyfriend is expressing himself well, and communicating in a style that you would like him to at a certain point in time, give him a compliment!

Show him that this is what you would like. You could even give him a hug or show him in some other way that this is what you want.

Sometimes he simply just might not know how you would like him to express himself. So when he does it right, letting him know that this was correct and rewarding him for it will go a long way in helping him learn to keep doing it. [Read: 30 special compliments your guy will never ever forget]

3. Don’t make fun of other men who do let their guard down

This is one of the key points to remember when learning how to get a man to communicate with you. Your boyfriend is not going to be thrilled about being emotionally vulnerable if he sees you calling out your male friend for expressing his emotions.

If you want your man to communicate in a real way with you, then you have to create an environment where he feels safe to do so. He isn’t going to feel safe if he feels that you will make fun of him for doing it. [Read: 14 things women do that break and emasculate a man]

4. Lead by example

Sometimes, your boyfriend can learn how to communicate properly by following your lead. Perhaps he grew up in a crazy household, and he never learned how to express himself in a healthy way.

Demonstrating the proper way to communicate yourself can help him learn exactly how he should speak to you when he has something important to say.

This also means that you need to be capable of expressing yourself effectively, without making him defensive. So, if you want this to work, you should make sure that you know what you are doing first, before you expect it from him.

5. Learn from the pros

In the modern world, there are many ways of learning from professionals about how to communicate properly. Some of the most accessible ways to do this are by watching TV programs that contain relevant information.

For example, shows that feature Dr. Drew, the famous physician, often feature communication issues and many other related psychological problems.

Watching shows with Dr. Drew, as well as other shows, like Couple’s Therapy with Dr. Jenn can help your boyfriend learn about communicating in a safe and non-threatening way. This can be a great way for your man to learn to communicate from the masters. [Read: Lack of communication in a relationship and why it signals the end]

6. Have your boyfriend read material about communication

If you can get your boyfriend to do this, it might help significantly. He may be reluctant to spend some time reading a psychology book, which he might consider to be embarrassing. But, if you can get him to do it, there is a great chance that he will learn a lot.

If he’s not much of a reader, sending him a short online article might be a better option. You can also choose to highlight only the parts that he’ll find relevant, so he won’t be pressured into reading the entire book or article.

7. Try going somewhere special

If you are struggling to get your boyfriend to open up, changing the scenery might be a useful tool that you can use.

Sometimes, going for a walk in the park, or alongside a river, or maybe even going to his favorite restaurant can help him to open up.

A change of scenery or taking the time to go somewhere that he really likes may help him to feel comfortable, and open up about what is on his mind.

He may not need this once he gets more comfortable with expressing himself, but initially, this can be the nudge he needs. [Read: Top 12 alternative destinations for romantic breaks]

8. Get him to spend time with people who you know are great at communicating

This method is a little bit sneakier, but if you have some friends who are great at expressing themselves, getting your man to spend more time with them may help him to learn how to do it better.

If your boyfriend spends enough time around people who communicate well, there is a good chance that some of their speaking styles may rub off on him.

This can be a desirable effect and may improve your relationship. It can also show how important the company you keep is!

9. Make sure to show him that you love him and care about him

The amount of affection that you show your boyfriend may not seem directly related to his ability to communicate, but it very well could be. The more secure your boyfriend feels in the relationship, the more likely he might be to communicate. 

The reason for this is that he will feel less nervous that you might leave him if he appears “weak.” Expressing your love for him lets him know you will still care about him even if he has a problem that he discusses with you.

So, make sure you are showing your boyfriend affection and approval before you expect him to be vulnerable around you. [Read: The best ways to make your man feel loved and cared for]

10. Never force him to communicate or use ultimatums

When learning how to get a man to communicate with you, this point is extremely important.

If your boyfriend has a problem communicating his feelings, pushing him and giving him ultimatums isn’t going to help.

If anything, it will make him bottle up how he feels even more. Avoid pushing too hard and instead, try a little, pull back, and then try again.

For sure, you shouldn’t allow him just not to communicate at all, but ultimatums and pushing aren’t going to serve you well. [Read: Ultimatums in a relationship – Why they don’t work and how to use them]

11. Be okay with him communicating in a way that’s most comfortable for him

Maybe he feels better talking about his feelings over WhatsApp messages, and if that’s the case, that’s fine. Not everyone feels comfortable speaking face to face.

As long as he’s communicating, that’s a great first step.

He probably won’t launch into a full speech about how he feels, and he might use disjointed language or odd sentences at first. Again, let him talk in a way that suits him. Don’t push him to communicate in the same way that you do. 

How to get him to understand you

Of course, communication is about listening as much as it is about speaking. Here are a couple of ways you can get your guy to listen to what you have to say, so you can kiss miscommunication goodbye! [Read: Relationship facts – The real facts of love no one talks about]

1. Keep it simple

We sometimes get so caught up in our feelings that we have trouble expressing our thoughts. The best thing to do is to keep it simple while trying to communicate with your man.

Think about what you are truly feeling, and what you want to express to him. That way, you will be able to convey how you feel without all the added stress.

Take a moment to simplify what you want to say by identifying the key aspects of what you want to communicate. For instance, if you are feeling neglected, then just say it, and then give an example as to what he does to make you feel that way. Guys like it when you pinpoint the main issue so that a solution can quickly be implemented.

2. Say what you mean

Say what you mean, and mean what you say. This is such an old yet relevant saying when it comes to communicating. Guys usually just want you to be honest about what you want.

Instead of saying you are fine when you are obviously upset, say that you’re actually upset. Explain why you’re feeling that way. If you say you’re fine, then he will take that and run with it

We know it can be hard to admit that you’re upset without feeling like you’re asking for pity, but trust us when we say that guys want you to spell out your feelings to them, so they can find some way to help you resolve it. [Read: How to talk about feelings in your relationship and grow closer]

3. Don’t expect him to be a mind-reader

One thing that many women are guilty of doing is expecting their guy to be a mind-reader when it comes to how they feel.

If you want to know how to get a man to communicate with you, you should always remember that a guy cannot read your mind.

He’s not going to pick up on your silent treatment or annoyed sighs. He will just assume you’re not feeling wonderful that day. But, you’ll silently seethe that he’s not understanding how you feel. How can he?

Instead of expecting him to just pick up on how you feel in a psychic way, voice your feelings in a constructive and healthy way. [Read: Healthy relationship boundaries – How to talk about them and set them]

4. Allow your emotions to subside before speaking

This means no hysterics! Guys never respond well to emotionally charged conversations. When you allow emotions to lead instead of being logical, whatever you say will make him upset, confused, or just downright irritated.

Also, when emotions lead, you tend to say things you do not mean. Be patient with the process of allowing your emotions to settle down, then go into the discussion with an open mind and a calm demeanor.

5. Be straightforward

Guys love it when you straight up ask or say what it is you want or need. Stop with the passive-aggressive behavior because that never works. They’re not likely to pick up hints or subtle cues.

When learning how to get a man to communicate with you, be as clear as you can be. If you want some attention, then say so. Want to spend time with him? Say so. If you’re hungry, just say so!

Being straightforward allows him to better understand you and give you what you are asking for. Catch the drift? [Read: Do men have feelings? Then why do they act like they can’t understand and don’t care]

6. Don’t assume – just ask

Assumptions are the root of misunderstandings when it comes to learning how to get a man to communicate with you.

When you assume he feels a certain way, that’s when you let your overthinking get the best of you. And aren’t women the experts when it comes to scrutinizing every single word, every emoticon, every tone, every whatever?

But hear this: men hardly ever add subtle hints when they’re telling you something. That’s something women are likely to do, but not men.

So when you assume that he’s mad at you simply because there’s no emoji in his text, you’ve probably got it all wrong. But if you need the reassurance, do him a favor and ask before you start overanalyzing! [Read: Signs your overanalyzing is sabotaging your relationship]

7. Understand that guys communicate differently

Guys tend to be less vocal than women, which makes communicating with them more effective when you keep things simple and honest.

Guys believe the purpose of communicating is to find a solution to a problem or to gain an understanding. They tend to listen, then respond when they feel it is appropriate to do so. [Read: 23 must-know relationship advice for women]

Try to keep the differences between the way guys and girls communicate in mind. Most guys will listen with the intent of logic first, and most girls will communicate from an emotional standpoint.

If you really want to be heard and understood by him, speak his language. You have a better chance of effectively conveying your opinions when you are aware of the type of communicator you are speaking with.

Guys are not that complex to communicate with, so just keep it simple. When learning how to get a man to communicate with you, that’s a key thing to remember.

[Read: 20 big relationship problems that either push a couple apart or bring them closer together]

Effective communication can really lead to a healthier and more rewarding relationship. So taking the time to learn how to get a man to communicate with you and express himself properly to you can be a worthwhile investment of your time.