Is He Afraid of Commitment? 30 Signs He’s Scared of a Real Relationship

You are might be wondering if your man is afraid of commitment. Here are the 20 signs that he is, and the 10 reasons why he won’t commit to you.

It’s hard to straight out ask a person if they’re afraid of commitment. Firstly, you have no reason to suspect that they might be if you’re still just getting to know them, and secondly, it might actually scare someone off *even if they’re not afraid of commitment*.

This makes the dating game really hard for those of us who want something serious but don’t know how to tell if the person we’re after is the commitment type.

There’s not much worse than pursuing a relationship with someone who is going to bolt at the first sign of something serious.

It’s a waste of time and it’s honestly an emotional hardship. There’s only so much non-committal drama a person can handle before they snap.

[Read: He’s not ready for a relationship right now – Should I wait or should I walk?]

Is he afraid of commitment?

Many girls have wasted a great deal of time pining for guys who are huge commitment-phobes. They’re afraid of being tied down to one person and what that could mean for their future. And most girls get really, really sick of it.

But at least one good thing can come out of having to deal with all those men with commitment phobia—you can learn the different ways to tell if he is a commitment-phobe right from the get-go.

And lucky for you, we have those secret signs he’s afraid of commitment so you don’t have to go through the same struggles that a lot of women do.

1. He hasn’t had a relationship in a long time, if ever

Most of the time, you’ll be able to find out if the person you want to be with has had a girlfriend or more in the past.

Whether that’s through talking to them or from internet snooping, you’ll find out. If he has no indication of any past relationships, it could be a sign that he just never commits. [Read: Is he a player or a gentleman? 13 clear giveaways]

2. He never mentions the future

When he avoids conversations that have to do with the future, even if it’s just a week away, he doesn’t want to commit to even that long of a relationship with you. Future talk is for people who plan to be there in the future.

3. He avoids the topic of your relationship

If you’ve ever attempted to bring up “the talk” and he has very adamantly changed the topic of discussion, he doesn’t want to have to tell you that he doesn’t want a relationship. [Read: 20 signs he doesn’t want a relationship with you and just wants some fun]

4. He never mentions his family

People who want to commit in a relationship usually bring up their family because, well, it’s probably inevitable that you’ll meet them at some point. But if he never mentions family at all, he’s likely not the commitment type.

5. He never mentions his friends

The same thing goes for his friends. Guys don’t talk about their friends or bring you around if they don’t plan on staying with you. So if you’ve never met his friends and it’s been a WHILE, it’s a sign he’s a commitment-phobe.

6. He keeps personal details to himself

Do you know his favorite color? Do you know how he feels about important issues going on in the world? What was he like as a kid?

If you’ve been seeing each other for some time now, yet you don’t know the answers to those questions, it’s probably because getting personal screams “COMMITMENT” to him and he’s clearly afraid of it! [Read: How well do you know me? 40 questions for couples to grow together]

7. He always makes an excuse if you try to make plans

If you’re dating a commitment-phobe and you try to bring up plans for something more than a week or two in advance, but he seems to always have an excuse as to why he can’t make it, it’s because he can’t commit to being with you that long.

8. He doesn’t want a label

If you actually get an answer from him when you ask what you two are, and that answer had anything to do with not wanting to “label the relationship,” he’s afraid of commitment.

If a man is happy with you and wants to be with you and only you for a long time, he will have absolutely no issue with calling you his girlfriend. [Read: Are we even in a relationship? How to know for sure if you’re a couple]

9. He freaks at the idea of your leaving a toothbrush at his place

Or any other personal items, for that matter. If you can’t even leave your contact solution at his place, he has issues when it comes to commitment.

10. He never refers to the two of you as “we” 

This is because, in his book, there is no “we.” There is a girl he’s banging, and then there is him. And he’s got no plans to change that dynamic.

11. He’s very vague about what he does in his free time

If you have no idea what he’s doing all day long, even on the weekends, it’s because he doesn’t want you to know.

12. He never asks about your personal life

Someone who wants to be in a relationship with you will want to know all about your personal life. If he’s not asking, he’s a commitment-phobe. [Read: Is he interested in you for all the wrong reasons?]

13. He doesn’t want to meet your friends or family

If he doesn’t plan on staying with you for very long, he won’t want to meet your friends or family. Those both mean commitment, and he can’t do it.

14. His schedule is set in stone

Aka, he doesn’t make time for you. And not accommodating your schedule for someone else who is supposed to be important to you is a sign of a commitment-phobe who’s afraid of commitment.

15. He never consults with you on big decisions

If he quits his job or buys a new car or even moves without telling you about it at all, he has no intentions of committing to you because he doesn’t value your opinion or even respect it. [Read: The biggest decisions you should never let your partner make for you]

16. He doesn’t introduce you to people he knows

If you two are out and about and just so happen to run into one of his friends, but he doesn’t even make an effort to introduce you, he doesn’t see you as someone he’s going to commit to anytime soon.

17. He doesn’t confide in you

When he’s having a bad day or is really having a tough time making a decision and never opens up to you about any of it, he’s got a fear of commitment. People like him don’t want to invest so much into someone who they don’t want to have around for the long haul.

18. He doesn’t keep you updated on his day

When a guy you’re seeing doesn’t have the decency or even the desire to text or call you throughout the day, and only calls at night to hang out RIGHT THEN, he’s not someone who will commit to a relationship. [Read: Is he using me? 23 signs you’re being used by a man who just doesn’t care about you]

19. He doesn’t get jealous… at all

No jealousy = no true feelings. Sure, jealousy can be hidden. But if there’s a situation where he should be getting mad and he really doesn’t seem to care, it’s because he doesn’t. [Read: 17 big signs of a jealous and possessive boyfriend]

20. He makes you question his intentions

The fact that you’re reading this feature may tell you a lot about whether or not he’s a commitment-phobe. If someone is really committed to you, you’ll know and will be able to feel it without any doubts. [Read: 45 signs a man really loves you even if he never says it out loud]

What makes a guy afraid of commitment?

Now that you know the signs that he is afraid of commitment, how did he get that way? What is it about him that makes him run for the hills at the thought of not being free as a bird? Here are the answers you have been looking for.

1. Emotional unavailability

Some guys just don’t know how to emotionally connect with people. Doing that makes a person vulnerable, and he simply doesn’t know how – or doesn’t want to – do it.

Either way, he puts up emotional walls around himself so he can’t become vulnerable or close to anyone. [Read: What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable? 19 signs and fixes]

2. Loss of options

Biologically speaking, men are programmed to “spread their seed.” Their subconscious brain wants to sleep with as many women as possible so their genetics can go on with their descendants.

While this is not a conscious thing, it is still programmed into their brains. Some men like options. They like to know they can be with any woman they want at any time.

3. Fear of abandonment

We think that guys are all rough and tough, but at one time, they were just little boys with feelings of their own. So, if they didn’t have parents that made them feel safe and loved, then maybe he doesn’t feel that way with anyone.

Or, maybe one of his parents abandoned him and he doesn’t want to go through that again. So, avoiding commitment is one way to protect himself.

4. Not the right person

We hate to break it to you, but for a lot of guys, they are afraid of commitment because the girl he’s with isn’t “the one.”

A lot of guys confess that if they are head over heels in love with someone, they will commit easily. So, as much as you might not want to admit it, he may just not feel very strongly about you. It’s hard to hear, but it could be the truth. [Read: Foster girlfriend – Are you always dating someone who marries the next person they date after you?]

5. Losing time

If he doesn’t think you are the right person, then he thinks that if he commits to you, he will lose out on time to find the one who is.

In his mind, if he spend a month, a year, or several years in a relationship with the wrong person, then he lost out on time he could have had to find the one who is the perfect match for him. 

6. Doesn’t want to be controlled

A lot of guys perceive girls to be controlling. And honestly, some of them are. So, maybe a guy doesn’t want to be told how to dress, where to be at what time, or what to do. He wants to be his own man and make his own decisions.

In a relationship, we have to compromise, and he doesn’t like the thought of doing that. He likes his freedom, and he thinks that being in a relationship means he won’t have any. [Read: 24 scary signs of a controlling girlfriend and how to stop being one]

7. She’s putting pressure on him

When a girl constantly asks him things like, “What are we?” or “Where is this going?” or “Are we ever going to get married?” it makes him feel pressured.

He likes to make his own decisions in his own time. So, when a girl asks these questions, she just wants answers *the “right” answers.* But she might actually push him away with all the pressure she’s putting on him to commit. [Read: 15 mistakes women make when she wants a guy to commit]

8. Can’t measure up

He might have low self-esteem and think he’s not good enough for you. Perhaps you had a rich and/or tall, handsome ex-boyfriend.

He might take a look and think, “There’s no way I can measure up to that so I’m not even going to try.” Fears of not being better than others or disappointing you can cause him to shy away from commitment.

9. He doesn’t know how to be in a committed relationship

If he has all these fears that we are talking about, then maybe he hasn’t even allowed himself to be in a committed relationship for his whole life. Therefore, he doesn’t even know what looks like or feels like.

He might not have gotten any good role models from his parents either. Maybe he was raised by only one of them, or he witnessed them cheating. He doesn’t know what a healthy relationship is.

10. Doesn’t want to grow up

Have you ever heard of the Peter Pan Syndrome? Well, it’s when a guy doesn’t want to grow up – he just wants to stay a little boy forever.

Growing up and becoming a mature, responsible adult is not very appealing to a lot of guys. So, they think that if they avoid a committed relationship, then they won’t have to face adult responsibilities.

[Read: 15 things immature men do and why you should definitely avoid them]

Now, if he’s showing a couple of signs here and there, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he’ll never commit to you. But if your person of interest is guilty of more than a few of these sure signs he is afraid of commitment, you may want to rethink your current situation.