How To Reconnect with Your Spouse & Reignite a Flickering Romance

If your marriage has become stale, learning how to reconnect with your spouse could be the difference between a happy union and one heading to disaster.

It happens to many couples. After the wedding, you have the honeymoon phase. Everything is new and exciting. But once a few years go by, maybe you had kids, or work a lot, things tend to change. Your marriage goes from romance central to boredom highway, which is why you need to learn how to reconnect with your spouse.

In order to retain that spark and reconnect with your spouse, things need to change once again. Both, on your side and your partner’s. There isn’t a simple trick to bring things back, but with some empathy and effort, you’ll see that it is not as hard as you may think. As long as you are committed to reconnecting, all should go well.

[Read: One year itch – 25 tips to avoid marriage problems early on]

Why did you become disconnected in the first place?

A great way to start reconnecting with your spouse is to figure out what went awry in the first place. It likely wasn’t a fight or any sort of huge situation, but rather you got stuck in a rut.

Maybe you stopped going on dates. Perhaps you feel more like roommates. Or you just stopped listening to one another. All of these things are normal in a marriage. A drought of romance causes a disconnect. But put that back and you can reconnect. [Read: The 8 most common marital problems and ways to solve them]

Does it always solve the problem? Not always.

Perhaps something deeper is wrong and that needs to be addressed directly. For instance, if someone has cheated and you chose to stay together, maybe the problem hasn’t been fully resolved. That’s just one example, but when there is a deeper issue at hand, focus upon that first, and then start learning how to reconnect with your spouse afterward.

But, the fact that you even realized that things are different from before is a good sign. Some people go years in this marriage limbo, stuck in a rut they can’t even see. But realizing it and taking steps to reconnect with your spouse already says a lot. [Read: The 13 biggest secrets of a happy marriage that can make or break your romance]

How to reconnect with your spouse

Avoid the ordinary. Do you have a date night once a month and go to the same restaurant and order the same food? There is nothing romantic about that. Do you only talk about your kids, work, and the bills? That makes you roommates, not life partners.

So in order to reconnect, create a balance of what first brought you together and who you are now.

1. Recreate your first date

Whether you met at a bar, went to McDonald’s, or had a disaster date, something from that first date clicked. So recreate it as best as you can. Go to the same place, cook the same food, or even wear the same outfit.

This is a great start because it reminds you both of the days when you did have a connection. And the spark was just getting started. [Read: How to rekindle love – 25 ways to spark your romance and fall in love again]

2. Realize you are not the same

Do not expect the same moves and dates to work as well as they once did. Both of you are different people now. So although those moments and memories can remind you of what you lost, alter those moments to who you are now.

Maybe you took risks and went on crazy adventures, but now you have more responsibilities. So reign back the danger and focus on the excitement.

3. Work together toward a common goal

If you want to know how to reconnect with your spouse again, find something for you both to do together outside of the norm. Get away from the house and try something new. Take a cooking class, go to an escape room, or even teach each other something.

Working together on something fun is a wonderful way to reconnect and realize what made you such a great team in the first place. [Read: 19 relationship secrets to rekindle love that isn’t all about sex]

4. Talk and listen

Once you have been with someone for so long, you can go through life like a bit of a zombie. You may hear everything but don’t actually listen. So take the time.

Make sure you have breakfast together daily or carpool to work. Give yourself time to really talk and listen. Discuss your feelings, what you want, your plans, if you’re worried about something.

Communication isn’t just about sharing, but about listening and interacting. [Read: 30 naughty and sexy questions for couples to keep the spark alive]

5. Put in the effort

Once you are comfortable with someone, it makes everything easier. You do not need to feel nervous or dress up. But there is something about having butterflies in your stomach that gives you chemistry and passion.

Dress up, get a wax, style your hair, and put in that effort that you did in the beginning.

First dates may be full of anxiety, but the effort you put into a first date is exciting. So get excited. Prepare for a date with your spouse as you did at the start of your romance.

6. Get the family involved

Remember, things are different now, so reconnect with that in mind. You should have time alone, but involving your kids or families in your reconnection is just as important.

Take a family trip, plan a double date, or throw a barbecue and invite everyone over. This will get you back into a sense of normalcy while connecting in the midst of those you care about. [Read: 10 most romantic vacation ideas for troubled couples]

7. Be spontaneous

Once you’re married, planning fun and exciting things to do at the last minute takes a back seat or just disappears altogether. But being spontaneous gives you a chance to know how to reconnect with your spouse in new and unique ways.

You don’t have to book a flight or skydive, but plan a surprise date. You can plan the time and the day, but let your spouse take control of what you’re doing. Then next time you do the same. Trusting your spouse may seem like a given, but you may have lost that without even realizing it. [Read: Here is how to become more spontaneous in life]

8. Try counseling

Some would say, if all else fails, try counseling. But we say try counseling right off the bat. Why struggle when you can get the professional guidance to help right from the start? Counseling isn’t always for intense circumstances or divorce.

Talk to your spouse and tell them you do not want to lose your connection and the romance, but you don’t know how to start getting it back so you need a helping hand. [Read: Relationship counseling – 10 signs you need it to save your love]

9. Say “I love you”

The first time you say those three heavy words is so nerve-racking. But once you get used to hearing it, saying it doesn’t always feel necessary. You may think your spouse knows it, you are married after all, but that shouldn’t stop you from saying it.

When you send them off to work or they come home in the evening, say “I love you.” Those three words have as much power now as they once did. You just have to remember that. [Read: These simple long term relationship tips and advice will transform your love life]

10. Touch

Intimacy can be one of the first things to get lost in a marriage. In order to reconnect with your spouse, touch is necessary. Whether a peck on the cheek in the morning, rubbing their shoulders after a long day, or cuddling while you watch a movie on the couch.

Small gestures like this bring you closer than you realize. Even just holding hands or putting your arm around them reignites that physical connection. [Read: 16 non-sexual touches to feel connected and loved]

How to reconnect with your spouse sexually

Sometimes, it’s not the emotional connection you lose first, but the physical one. But, once that’s gone, the emotion starts to dwindle a little too. Sex is such a huge part of a marriage; it’s something we don’t place enough importance upon. While it’s not the be-all and end-all, it’s a way to bond, connect, and stay close.

So, if your sex life has become a little dull and you want to learn how to reconnect with your spouse sexually, here are a few tips. [Read: How to spice up your sex life in 30 sexy ways]

1. Make time for sex

One of the main problems is that life just gets in the way and sex ends up being pushed down the priority list. Instead, make sex a priority and make time for it. That doesn’t mean scheduling it into your diary, but not automatically pushing it away just because you have chores to do.

2. Tell your partner that you find them attractive

Okay, so don’t actually say it like that, but start complimenting them physically once more. It’s possible that you stopped doing it, and they stopped doing it to you.

Learning how to reconnect with your spouse sexually is about reigniting the fire. Everyone loves to be complimented and it will make them feel sexy. [Read: 12 real signs you’re feeling a loss of sexual attraction for your partner]

3. Talk about your desires

It’s not always easy to talk about what you want to try in bed or your fantasies, but this is your spouse. It’s not some random person you’ve never met!

Talk about the things you find sexy and what you’d like to try. Don’t be shy! Then, figure out which ones you’re going to try first. [Read: Top 50 kinky sex ideas worth trying at least once in your lifetime]

4. Surprise your partner

The problem with being together for a long time is that you forget to surprise each other. Spontaneity goes out of the window.

So, turn that situation around and surprise your partner when they least expect it. Go and join them in the shower, or greet them at the door wearing nothing but a coat.

Spontaneous sex is daring, fun, and might just be enough to get that connection restarted. [Read: Spontaneous sex – 15 reasons you need it and how to do it right]

5. Mix up your routine

Maybe it’s not that you’ve stopped having sex, it’s just that it’s boring. In that case, are you doing the same things, in the same order, every time. It’s a common problem. So, the easy option here is to mix things up a little.

Do some research into new sex positions, try sex outside of the bedroom, and whisper a few dirty words in your partner’s ear. You’ll be amazed at how much of a difference simply mixing things up can make. [Read: Learn to spice up your sex life with 30 super-sexy ways]

6. Try sexting

Many people struggle with dirty talk, but sexting is often a little easier.

When you send a dirty message to your spouse, you get time to create it, read it, and feel comfortable with it before you press ‘send’. It’ll get their engine revving and we all know what will happen when you both get home at the end of the day! [Read: How to sext – 16 flirty steps to text dirty, sexy and naughty in no time]

How to reconnect with your spouse after an affair

Another very common issue is a disconnect after one partner has strayed. Sure, you’ve been through the whole process of talking things through, healing, and you’ve decided to stay together, but the disconnect is obvious.

Firstly, understand that it’s normal to feel this way. Your partner is probably still struggling with the fact that you betrayed them. It doesn’t matter whether it was a one-night stand or a longer affair, the wounds will still be raw for a long time afterward.

But, that doesn’t mean you should be made to pay for it for the rest of your relationship. If your partner has committed to moving forward and overcoming the affair, it should be left in the past.

Being understanding, communicating, and not bringing up the affair in fights are all ways to start rebuilding your connection. However, learning how to reconnect with your spouse after an affair can sometimes require professional help. Couple’s therapy is a great way to work through the issues, emotions, and hurt, and look forward to the future with a fresh page ahead. [Read: What is cheating in a relationship? The truth most people ignore]

How to reconnect with your spouse after a baby

The birth of a baby is a joyous event. You’re both totally head over heels in love with the new addition to your family and you can’t believe how happy you are. But, something isn’t quite right. There’s a slight disconnect ever since the baby was born, or perhaps even during the pregnancy. Again, this is very normal.

Whether it’s your first baby or not, this is such a huge event in your lives. It’s bound to change things, especially the dynamic between you as a couple. Sleepless nights, crying fits, money worries, these are all things that happen naturally when a new baby arrives.

But learning how to reconnect with your spouse after a baby simply means being understanding of the reason why this disconnect has happened.

Talk to one another. Appreciate that you’re both going through a major change, but commit to doing it together. Work as a team and understand that the odd snap doesn’t mean a fight. Communicate and make time for one another whenever you can. Eventually, the storm of a newborn arriving in your life will calm down and your relationship will even itself out once more. [Read: How to revive your romantic and sex life after a baby is born]

Disconnects are normal, and can be overcome

Whatever the reason for your disconnect, you can overcome it with time, patience, and communication. Remember to address the root cause, if there is one, and focus upon one another. Your relationship will survive as long as you both put in the effort to reignite the flame you once had.

[Read: How to improve your marriage – Start here and see results tonight!]

Knowing how to reconnect with your spouse is complicated. Every marriage is different. But taking these steps will guide you in the right direction toward the romance and passion you lost.