What Is a Toxic Relationship? 16 Signs to Recognize It & Get Out

We hear a lot about relationship problems, but what is a toxic relationship really? When you identify that you’re in one, it’s time to get out. 

Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world. We don’t always meet the right person and they don’t always treat us with respect and care. Sometimes a good person can simply act negatively, or perhaps we just meet a downright bad person overall. Whatever the reason, identifying what is a toxic relationship and working out what to do about it is key.

Whether you’re being used, manipulated, degraded, or your self-esteem is being dragged down to the floor, do not stick around. A toxic relationship can unleash misery of untold amounts. Those are definitely dark times. It can happen to anyone too. Don’t assume that it’s just a guy that inflicts toxicity on someone, it can be women too. We’re all capable of toxic behavior.

In those moments, it’s hard to think about what you deserve and how to get it. If anything, you assume this is the best you’re going to get. That’s really the saddest part. You settle.

[Read: 15 biggest signs of an unhealthy relationship you should never, ever tolerate]

What is a toxic relationship exactly?

It’s very hard to put a definite label on what a toxic relationship is. That’s because it encompasses several different types of behavior.

What we can most definitely say is that a toxic relationship makes you extremely unhappy and makes you lack self-esteem and self-worth.

A toxic relationship isn’t healthy. It’s out of balance and it means that one person is always going to have power or the upper hand over the other. Manipulation, lies, cheating, power, control, jealousy, lack of trust *with reason*, being used, are all items that appear in a toxic relationship.

It doesn’t mean that you’re going to see every single type of behavior, but you’ll see some or just one to a strong amount. What really matters is how it makes you feel.

A healthy relationship doesn’t cause another person to question themselves or feel bad most of the time, or even all of the time. In a healthy relationship, we raise each other up and become a cheerleader for our partner. The opposite is true in a toxic relationship. [Read: How to recognize the scary signs you’re in a toxic relationship that’s breaking you]

Hang on, why do people stay in toxic relationships?

You might be reading this and wondering why on earth anyone would stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy. Well, it’s far more common than you might think. The reason? Manipulation.

Manipulation doesn’t have to be obvious, it can be very subtle. In most cases, it flies under the radar and the person being manipulated doesn’t even realize what’s going on. That’s when it’s most dangerous. [Read: Psychological manipulation – 16 different tactics real manipulators use to hook you]

People also tend to stay in toxic relationships because they’re in love and by the time they see their partner’s true colors, their self-esteem has been dragged down so low they don’t feel able to leave.

You see, the relationship isn’t toxic, to begin with. It’s all hearts and roses. Everything is wonderful. That’s what keeps people in place. They look back on those times and think that if it was okay then, it can be okay again.

We all try to overlook negative points and hope for the best. That sometimes means we put on our blinkers and try to look past flaws.

The issue? Negative behavior isn’t a flaw. It’s a choice. That means your partner is choosing to be negative and toxic towards you. That’s not right, is it? [Read: 7 secret signs that reveal a bad relationship]

The signs of a toxic relationship

There are always signs. The only difference is whether you’re paying attention to them or not. And this just gets worse if you’re not sure what is a toxic relationship in the first place.

No matter how much you love your partner, keep your eyes open for the signs. If not, you run the risk of losing yourself. Coming back to your normal self isn’t easy.

If you’re not sure what is a toxic relationship or what it looks like, well, here are the signs to help you figure it out.

Not all relationships are healthy ones.

[Read: Am I manipulative? 20 ways you manipulate everyone in your life]

1. Passive aggressive behavior

We’re all guilty of being passive-aggressive at times. It’s not easy talking openly about your feelings and emotions. But if passive-aggression is their middle name, it’s time to take a second look at your relationship.

Not talking about your feelings is a sign of immaturity, and can lead down a dangerous road. [Read: How to deal with passive-aggressive behavior calmly and with class]

2. Regular bouts of jealousy

A little bit of jealousy isn’t necessarily bad. Unfortunately, the line is very thin, and people assume excessive jealousy is a positive trait.

If you can’t leave the house without them becoming jealous, or if they’re searching your phone for an incriminating text or picture, you’re in trouble.

3. They’re all about the blame game

You might be all too familiar with the blame game. If your partner never takes responsibility for their actions and blames everything on you, that’s toxicity at its best. Nobody is perfect, so don’t ever believe that everything is your fault and they’re free of all blame, all the time. [Read: 20 clues to know if someone has emotional maturity]

4. They’re great at avoidance

You basically tolerate each other’s presence, which is pretty messed up considering you’re in a relationship. What will happen if you get married? You won’t spend time with your spouse?

Avoidance is the first sign that the relationship has run its course and it’s firmly in the toxic category.

5. You just don’t feel like yourself

You can’t make the jokes you’d normally make or watch TV without feeling like you’re doing something wrong. And you’re not doing anything wrong; you’re yourself.

But if your partner doesn’t appreciate who you are, they’ll try to change you. And that is what’s happening if you regularly feel this way.

6. Arguments are a constant thing

It’s normal for couples to have disagreements. Don’t think because you argue you’re in a toxic relationship.

But there’s a difference between arguing and communicating, and straight-up yelling without any resolution. If they’re just yelling at you, it’s not going to get anywhere. [Read: 23 dos and don’ts you need to remember in a relationship argument]

7. There are negative vibes floating in the air

People underestimate the power of energy. Every animal on this earth is made up of energy. If you’re constantly feeling uncomfortable or anxious around your partner, there’s a reason why. You’re reacting to the energy they’re giving out. Negative energy emotionally drains you and breaks you down.

8. You only make them happy, it’s never about your happiness

When you’re with your partner, they don’t care about your happiness. Instead, you spend most of your time trying to please them. You eat what they want, do what they want; you’re basically their personal slave. They don’t ask you how your day was or what you’d like to do. [Read: 16 signs and reasons why you’re always taken for granted by others]

9. You can’t grow as a person

When someone grows in a relationship, that’s a positive thing. You want your partner to grow and develop, and you want to do the same.

If you want more, but your partner likes things the way they are, well, that’s not good. They’re holding you back from achieving your life goals because they don’t want to develop. It’s normal to be a little apprehensive about change occasionally, but if they dig their heels in and refuse to evolve, that’s a problem.

10. You don’t feel like fighting for the relationship

When two people love each other, they’ll go above and beyond to make things work. They will fight as hard as they can for the relationship.

But with you, you stopped caring a long time ago and so did your partner. You feel like there’s no point – the relationship isn’t going anywhere. [Read: 20 signs your relationship is already over and come to an end]

11. Be honest, you’re just not happy

When was the last time you laughed with your partner? When was the last time you felt really happy by their side? You’ll know when you’re in a toxic relationship because you won’t be happy anymore. Something inside of you is telling you to move on for a reason.

12. The drama never ends

But really, it never ends. Every day there’s something wrong in their life, and it’s usually around something you did wrong, even if you did nothing! They live for the drama because it distracts them from their own failures. [Read: Why some people go looking for drama all the time]

13. You can never do anything right

At least in their eyes. Everything you do comes with criticism and loads of it.

At the end of the day, you feel like a complete failure and unworthy of their love. But that’s not true. They’re not worthy of your love and affection since they don’t appreciate it.

14. You feel like the worst version of you

When you’re with someone you love, they usually bring out the best in you. And that’s when you know you’re with the right person. But if you’re becoming someone you don’t recognize, you need to think hard about your relationship. Is this really someone you want to be with?

15. Your friends and family don’t like them

We know you don’t want people to dislike someone you chose to be with, but sometimes, your friends and family are right.

If they tell you that you’ve changed and your partner is toxic, listen. Your friends and family love you and want the best for you. [Read: The critical signs you’re in an unhealthy relationship]

16. They’re stuck in the past

Instead of thinking about their future with you, they constantly remind you about the past. “The good times you had,” runs out of their mouth often, and it makes you wonder if they’re enjoying the relationship now. But they’re not; they’re stuck in the past. [Read: How to get out of a toxic relationship with your dignity intact]

If you’re in a toxic relationship, what should you do?

So, now you know what is a toxic relationship and you know the signs, what should you do if you think you’re in one? Should you try and talk about things and hope you see a change? Do you think you should just stick around and see what happens? Or, should you leave?

At the end of the day, you know your relationship better than we do. But, you should never stick around and settle in a relationship that is obviously toxic, or even un-obviously. Really think about how you feel and what you want.

Do you believe you deserve to feel this way? Why don’t you deserve to be as happy as those around you, or as happy as those you see on TV *although remember, a lot of that isn’t real!*. [Read: Happily ever after – 10 steps to find yours and keep it]

You could try sitting down with your partner and explaining how you feel. It may simply be that they’ve slipped into a pattern and you’ve stopped communicating. Then, see how things go.

If nothing changes, you really have to consider the fact that the relationship is simply toxic and rotten. In that case, you must wave your hand to say goodbye and walk away. There’s a much better future waiting for you.

[Read: How to get over a bad breakup and start feeling really good again]

After reading the signs, what do you think? Can you answer what is a toxic relationship? If you feel that you are in one, it’s time for you to make a change.