How to Be Mysterious Without Going Completely Overboard in the Role

Learning how to be mysterious can be a tough act to balance. But if you can master mystery without the games, you’ve got it down.

Is mystery the key to attraction? Yes and no. Mystery goes a long way when it comes to dating. Without some element of mystery, there is no intrigue or curiosity. Being interested in someone is about wanting to know more about them. If there is no mystery, what is left to learn? So, here is how to be mysterious — just the right amount.

Think about some of your favorite TV couples. The most famous ones have a will-they-won’t-they storyline. They didn’t just fall right into a relationship. We knew there was some interest and flirting, but it wasn’t a sure thing. That is where the mystery lies. 

The immediate gratification of someone being interested is nice, but it is also fast and easy. Most people like some challenge, or at least a longer flirtation to build up the excitement. That is what mystery does. It amps up the tension. But with too much tension, you can make someone feel anxious and self-conscious. You want to learn how to be mysterious without taking it too far. 

[Read: The best flirty conversation starters to get something going]

What makes mysterious people so attractive

Uncertainty makes people wonder. It makes you think more about someone. When you know someone likes you and you know all about them you might feel good, but that feeling is often fleeting. When you think someone might like you but you aren’t sure you think about them more.

Take this scenario for instance…

You’re sitting at a bar, and there are two equally attractive people. One sends you a drink and comes over to talk to you. The other smiles at you and makes subtle eye contact. Things are easy with the one who made their feelings known upfront, but while talking to them you keep glancing at the other one because you aren’t sure what the situation is. 

That is what is so attractive about being mysterious. Mystery isn’t playing hard to get or being unavailable. Mystery is about not giving away too much.

[Read: The subtle eye contact flirting moves that always work like a real charm]

How to be mysterious while dating

Being mysterious can be a hard thing to master especially if it doesn’t come naturally. You want to be attractive to others, but you don’t want to give too much away or hide too much. How do you find that middle ground? 

Well, you want to capture someone’s attention. Without that initial interest, your mystery won’t work. If you sit in a dark corner reading a book, you may look mysterious but there is no balance. You want to flirt. Something as small as eye contact and a smile could kick off someone’s curiosity about you. If not, you can subtly bump into them and apologize. [Read: 15 powerful but very subtle flirting moves that’ll draw anyone closer to you]

Drawing in that attention is part of being mysterious. You don’t read a mystery novel that goes nowhere. You want a little bit more information as you go. That is what makes mystery so good. You are curious to learn more, but you need that initial thing to get sucked in.

You need to show some level of interest so whoever you want to pursue knows that they have a chance. If they think they’ll be rejected, they won’t put the effort in. You want them to know they aren’t wasting their time.

[Read: 13 charming moves that make you way, way more approachable and interesting to people]

You can tell them what you do for a living and where you grew up, but you won’t offer every detail. It isn’t about sharing the least but about choosing what you share. For instance, if they ask you what your plans are don’t say, just staying in and watching Netflix, instead say, I’m going to spend some time alone for a change.

You aren’t lying or playing games, just drawing in interest rather than giving everything away. 

This is why we are drawn into movie previews that don’t give away the ending. When a preview shows a couple kissing at sunset, you aren’t as drawn into seeing the movie as you are when you’re unsure how it will end.

Instead of sharing your life story on a first date, offer up a few things about yourself to dive into so there is always more to learn. Don’t share small talk over coffee. Instead, take your date to a rock climbing wall you enjoy and introduce them to a fun restaurant you like. This lets them learn about you without you laying everything out on the table. You are introducing them to you in an experience-based way that captures their attention more than just saying ‘I like rock climbing’. 

[Read: Art of seduction – 25 seductive ways to smolder and ooze sex appeal]

Being mysterious is about being interesting. You don’t need to change who you are to do that. Just share who you are in a different way. Like I said, when reading a mystery novel, you get all the answers. But they aren’t just given to you. If they were, you wouldn’t read past the first chapter. You want just enough to keep you coming back for more. 

Dating is the same. You want to offer them enough, so they know they are getting more out of you each time you’re together. But not so much that there is no more intrigue to come. 

[Read: 20 ways to perfect your first date conversation and impress all your dates]

How to be mysterious without taking it too far

Being mysterious isn’t too hard. You aren’t offering up lies, you are offering the truth in a different way. The hard part is not taking it overboard. 

When you first meet someone, you want don’t want to be obvious with your interest, but you also don’t want to hold back too much and become unavailable. 

If you went up to someone at the bar because you’ve been making eye contact with them and they ignore you, you wouldn’t be intrigued. You’d feel rejected and walk away. If they flirted with you but didn’t straight up ask you out, you’d stick around to learn more and see what happens.

[Read: How to be more playful and flirty when you meet someone new!]

There is a fine line between mystery and unavailability, or playing games. If you act disinterested in someone they will back off, and you miss out. Instead, you show interest but without it being straightforward. Finding that balance on how to be mysterious is sort of like show not tell. Instead of saying I want to go out with you, you hint at your favorite kind of food and the restaurant you like most.

Instead of listing out all your hobbies one by one, you experience one of them together. You offer a bit about something you like then show them about it instead of telling them.

Think about how much more interesting it would be to show someone your artwork or photography instead of just describing it to them. This is the idea of being mysterious. You want to give a little at a time. It isn’t even about holding back. You want to open up and share your feelings and passions. You just don’t want to do too much too fast. 

There is something about not knowing for sure all about someone that makes being mysterious so attractive. 

[Read: 18 casual things to sex someone and leave them totally addicted to you]

Think about The Bachelor. There is often a final three. One seems very mysterious, so much so you aren’t sure they’re ready for an engagement. Another is perfect for the lead, their families get along, and everything seems to be working. Then, there is a third person who shares chemistry, but they haven’t nailed down future plans or how they’ll make long distance work. 

The lead usually ends up picking that last option that is a mix of having all the answers and having none. They want to feel confident with their partner, but not so confident there is nothing unexpected to look forward to.

You don’t want to be evasive when they ask you a question. But you also don’t want to be so upfront that you’ve given away so much. Texting someone every time you think of them could be too much, but never being the first one to reach out makes it seem like you’re not interested. [Read: Am I clingy? Here’s how to find out the truth about yourself]

It seems like an overwhelming balance to maintain, but it changes throughout a relationship. Once you have been with someone long enough that that initial mystery wears off, redirect your mystery in a new way.

[Read: How to be better at dating and enjoy every step of the way]

Should you ever stop being mysterious while dating?

You can continue to be mysterious well into a relationship. Just because you’ve been together a long time doesn’t mean you can’t keep introducing something new into the mix. Mystery later in a relationship may not mean slowly opening up about your past but introducing new interests into your relationship. Try a new hobby together. Travel somewhere new together. 

Doing new things together will offer you new perspectives on each other and keep introducing new sides of you to your partner. Mystery is not just one thing. It isn’t just for those who are shy or quiet. You can be loud and confident and still offer mystery when dating. [Read: Playing games in a relationship – When is it perfectly fine and when should you stop it]

It can seem like you and your partner know everything about each other, but you are always growing and changing. Sharing that growth with each other is a great way to continue being mysterious well into a long-term relationship. If you recently took on a new project or passion for a cause share that with your partner. Let them see what you’ve learned. If you tried a new cuisine, find a recipe and recreate it in the kitchen. 

Mystery when flirting and dating can be fun. It may be what initially comes to mind when you think of being mysterious, but it isn’t all there is. 

[Read: How to not be boring – The art of keeping your dates exciting and fun]

Learning how to be mysterious isn’t just for meeting someone, but it can be carried with you well into a long-lasting relationship. You just need to know how to balance mystery with interest, and everything will work in your favor!