How to Not Be Needy in a Relationship & Stop Suffocating Your Lover

Your partner told you they need some space, but you don’t think your neediness is a problem. Well, it is! Here’s how to not be needy in a relationship.

Listen, we all need certain things from our relationships. But neediness is not healthy and can impact your relationship. Learning how to not be needy in a relationship can reset the health and boundaries your relationship needs, to grow and thrive!

There were times when I was needy. And after some deep self-reflection, I realized this neediness came after being cheated on. After, I struggled to trust anyone I dated. But once I added things together, I started to work on myself.

How to not be needy in a relationship

I didn’t want to be the needy girlfriend who spends hours on their partner’s phone, reading their emails and messenger conversations. That wasn’t someone I wanted to be. I wanted to feel free and trusting. And with time, I eventually became that person. I want to tell you it was easy, but it wasn’t.

[Read: The needy signs you’re too available to your partner]

But the hard work paid off. And if you’re reading this, it looks like you want to change this side of you as well. For beginners, understand neediness stems from trauma. This isn’t a natural part of you; rather, it’s a side effect from trauma.

The beauty is you can learn from this experience and become someone who can genuinely trust the person they’re dating. Once you reach that feeling, it’s something you’ll never want to give up ever again.

Sometimes, we can cross the line.

#1 This is about you. Sorry to break the news to you, but being needy is a reflection of yourself. So, it’s time you took responsibility for your neediness and accept it for what it is.

By accepting this, you can start the process of change. Yes, you’re needy, and there’s nothing wrong with admitting that if anything is a healthy sign of mindfulness and awareness. [Read: Am I clingy? How to really know the truth about yourself]

#2 Work on your trust issues. This is a given. If you want to move forward with your partner and not be so needy, work on your trust issues. Yes, you have trust issues. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this. You need to challenge yourself and see why you have trust issues. What started them?

#3 Respect your partner’s space. This is a huge one. Yes, you’re needy, but if you want to change, you should give your partner some space. Communicating is important in a relationship, but no one wants to feel like they’re being suffocated. Learn how much space your partner needs and respect that space. [Read: How to learn to love someone without smothering them]

#4 Focus on yourself instead. If you want to know how to not be needy in a relationship, you need to remember that you’re the only person who can change you. So, if you want to change, you need to focus on yourself. Take some time and spend it with yourself. Think about your relationship and how you feel about it. It’s time to self-reflect and start to learn about you.

#5 Be mindful of your body language. Our bodies usually react first to situations, but we’re not self-aware enough to notice it happen. Practice self-awareness and focus on your body language. Neediness can also be physical. Even the way you touch your partner can exhibit neediness. [Read: How to respond like a grownup when someone ignores you deliberately]

#6 Learn to trust your partner. This isn’t an easy one, but it’s crucial. Without real trust, your relationship won’t last. Now, if they’ve done something, like cheating, that has caused this needy reaction, decide whether or not you want to stay with your partner. If you want to stay, accept what happened and move forward with them. If you cannot accept what happened, move on without them.

#7 Spend time with other people. Your life doesn’t only include your partner. If you want to become less needy in your relationship, then you need to become more independent.

That’s right! Start seeing your friends, hang out with your family, and take up a hobby. You need to fulfill yourself with other things besides your partner. [Read: How to be independent even when you’re in a relationship]

#8 Communicate with your partner. At the end of the day, it really comes down to communication. How are you feeling? Does your partner know? Do you know how your partner is feeling about your neediness?

Sit down with them and lay all the cards on the table. This is the first real step in working on the relationship and reducing the neediness. [Read: How to communicate in a relationship and have a stronger, better love] 

#9 Empathize with your partner. Your partner is going through a hard time alongside you, but you just don’t realize it yet. Your partner has their own set of insecurities and emotions they’re going through as well. Instead of trying to control them, learn to empathize with them and see their point of view.

#10 Stop creeping their social media. Oh gosh, I think we’re all guilty of doing this, at least I know I am. But listen, creeping your partner’s social media until you find something “suspicious” isn’t going to help you out. The goal is not to feel the need to double-check every move they make online. Your goal is to trust your partner is making the right decisions. [Read: 15 things a guy shouldn’t do on Instagram when you have a girlfriend]

#11 Ask yourself why. Remember that learning how to not be needy in a relationship is not going to be something you change about yourself overnight. It’s going to take time and self-awareness. But it’s completely worth it.

When you’re doing your usual routine, stop and ask yourself why you’re doing this. If you’re texting your partner 20 times in a row, before sending another text, think to yourself, why am I doing this? Then you’ll start to connect your behavior to your feelings.

#12 Check in with your partner. How do they feeling about this? Even though you’re going through this, they’re on the receiving end, and it’s probably not fun for them. Talk to them and ask how they’re feeling and what they’d like to see change. The odds are their needs are not being met, but you can work together to get through this. [Read: How to fix a smothered relationship, pull back and reignite the sparks]

#13 Create a plan with your partner. While working on yourself, create a plan with your partner. Sit down and create a reasonable strategy of how you can work through this. This isn’t a one-way street. If you want to stop being needy, identify the triggers and focus on a realistic way of handling them.

#14 Look at the type of partner you have. Now, I don’t want to point the finger at your partner. But there’s a chance your partner is contributing to this. If they’ve cheated on you in the past or exhibit narcissistic behavior, this can make you feel insecure with yourself and your partner, leading you to become needy. [Read: How to recognize an emotionally distant partner and deal with it]

#15 Talk to a therapist. A little therapy never hurt anyone. If your neediness is becoming a serious problem in your relationship, talk to a professional. They’ll be able to invest the time with you to figure out why you behave like this and will give you tools on how to improve yourself.

[Read: How to stop being possessive in a relationship and love better]

No one wants a clingy and needy partner. But in most cases, this didn’t just pop up overnight. It’s time you learn how to not be needy in a relationship and make those little changes right away.