How to Play It Cool With a Guy Without Being Too Distant or Clingy

Dating is hard. It comes with a bunch of nerves, urges, and maybe some clinginess. But, you can learn how to play it cool with a guy and not overdo it.

Dating is so complicated. It is something you look forward to as a teenager, but once you’re actually in the midst of the adult dating world, it is massively overwhelming. Sure, dating is all about your feelings, but sometimes it’s about knowing when to share those feelings and really learning how to play it cool with a guy.

Why you struggle to play it cool with a guy?

You’re either insanely nervous for the first date or really like someone and can’t hold back your interest which can scare guys off. As someone who gives their all when it comes to a new relationship or even a new crush, I understand the internal battle you’re having.

You want this guy to know you’re interested but don’t want to come off too strong. You don’t want him to think you’re not interested, but you also don’t want to scare him off by moving too quickly. Finding that balance can be a nightmare, especially when you really like him.

When you like someone you want them to stick around. You want to do what you can to keep dating them. It makes sense.

[Read: How to text a guy without seeming overly needy or desperate]

The problem is, what women want from a new guy and what men want from a new woman isn’t always the same. You might think that going out of your way for him, cooking for him, or keeping in touch all day is what he wants from you when in fact, that is what you want from him.

You are excited and infatuated! Even if you don’t know him very well, you feed on the energy of a new relationship. You want to talk to him so you reach out. You think about him when you’re not together, so you want to spend more time together. [Read: How to be less clingy and avoid becoming a stage 5 clinger]

It can be hard to control that eagerness of a new romance. Just as enjoyable as it is, if you give in to those feelings too much, you can end it before it ever really started because you weren’t playing it cool.

I understand the feeling of wanting to scream your emotions from the rooftops. You want to share your new beau on social media and cling onto him for dear life. Doing all of these things makes you feel more secure.

It puts you in a more steady relationship versus the beginning stages of the unknown. Wanting to lock down the relationship makes sense. The thing is, you can learn how to play it cool with a guy and still feel secure.

[Read: What does dating mean? All the things you should understand about what it is]

Should you play it cool with a guy?

As someone who preaches honesty as the number one part of any relationship, playing it cool does sound a bit hypocritical. I get that. Playing it cool is, in fact, a way of holding back. But, holding back when necessary isn’t lying or being dishonest.

Sometimes we can be too forthcoming too soon and realize that we confused excitement, infatuation, or even attraction with love.

I have dated people before and thought my feelings were so strong only to look back at that time and realize that I was swept away in the excitement of a new romance more than that actual guy.

There is nothing wrong with that, but if I hadn’t played it cool I could’ve ended up a lot worse off. [Read: 13 signs you’re too available for your partner]

Not all men, but many men, don’t want to rush into a new relationship. Getting to know each other and taking things slow lets them feel more certain of their feelings. So, calling or texting all day or asking him to meet your family after two weeks can be not only intimidating but also too much too soon.

If I had asked every guy I dated for a couple of weeks to meet my parents or my friends as soon as I felt that urge of excitement, I would’ve been a lot more hurt when things ended. Things would have been a lot messier. And I would’ve manifested a stronger connection than I truly had.

Understanding how to play it cool with a guy isn’t about holding back your feelings or acting like you don’t care. And it isn’t about being mysterious or playing hard to get. Playing it cool with a guy is about not getting ahead of yourself. It is about taking your time and enjoying the present. [Read: How to be mysterious without being too distant]

How to play it cool with a guy the right way

Learning how to play it cool with a guy is easier said than done. Yes, I will offer tips and things you can do to make it easier, but controlling your excitement about a new romance is difficult.

When you gush to your friends about the amazing guy you started seeing, you fall into a trap. You want him to be your boyfriend yesterday. You crave the intimacy and closeness of a relationship more serious than where yours is at the moment.

Trying to hold back that excitement for the benefit of your potential future and happiness is like holding out on ice cream for your summer bikini body. You know it will pay off but can’t help how you feel now.

Before you do any of the following to play it cool with a guy, remind yourself where not playing it cool has led you before. Did it lead you to pain or heartbreak? Did it stop the relationship before it started? Or did it make you clingy and unsure?

Think about the benefits of learning how to play it cool with a guy and go from there.

[Read: How to play hard to get with a guy and make it work for you]

#1 Stay busy. The best thing you can do when you’re struggling to play it cool with a guy is to keep busy. You may be dying to text him or make plans, but if you already have plans with your friends you won’t be so eager.

Keep yourself busy with projects, work, or even volunteering. It is easy to lose your cool when you are doing nothing but thinking about the new guy in your life.

#2 Remember the rest of your life. We easily get overwhelmed when dating someone new. Everything we do revolves around this new romance. The thing is, whether it works out or not, there is more to your life than this. Take time for your family and friends. Focus on all the other parts of your life. [Read: 13 relationship mistakes new couples make all the time]

#3 Talk about something else. One of the things that makes us even more invested in a new romance is talking about it. Sure, it is great to give your BFF a play-by-play of your first date. But going on and on about this new guy will build him up in your mind.

You spend all of lunch with your girlfriends talking about how much of a gentleman he was. How he is a doctor and is tall that you actually build him up better than you originally thought. This amplifies your feelings unrealistically. [Read: How to make the most out of your alone time]

#4 Don’t rush it. When you find someone you think is a great match, you want to know it will work. You want to be in an official relationship. Then you’ll feel secure and no longer wonder what will happen. But, rushing into a relationship can put a lot of pressure on something new.

Enjoy the time you date. Instead of worrying about meeting his parents or introducing him to your friends, focus only on your actual connection.

#5 Get off your phone. Being on your phone when you are trying to play it cool with a guy makes it so much harder. Before smartphones, it was easy to not talk to your new beau all day. Now you see a meme and want to send it to him. You have access to communication 24/7.

But over-texting can not only come off as clingy but can leave you with the feeling that you are more involved than you really are. Maybe you had two dates, but you text all day every day. That can make you think things are moving faster, but they really aren’t. [Read: New boyfriend guide – The dos and don’ts every girl needs to remember]

#6 Build your own confidence. A reason we thrive on a new romance is how it makes us feel about ourselves. Knowing this guy likes us boosts our confidence. There is nothing wrong with that, but remember you are just as amazing and worthy with or without his interest.

#7 Be honest about your intentions. Our excitement can get the best of us and prevent us from playing it cool with a guy. After a third date, you could picture him as your husband. But be realistic.

Do you really want a relationship right now? Do you want to be committed? Be honest with yourself and your new guy about what you want from this experience.

#8 Think about what you really need. When a woman is dating someone new, she is often described as needy. A woman who wants a lot of attention or is high maintenance is definitely not playing it cool. But, even though that behavior is described as needy it isn’t really what you need.

You don’t need him to say “good morning, beautiful” and “good night.” You don’t need to see him constantly. These things are nice, but you’ve been doing just fine on your own. So think about what you really need from a new relationship.

You want someone who is there for you when you really need it. Someone who will support you and laugh with you. You don’t need someone that buys you flowers for no reason or always tells you where they are or who they’re with. [Read: How to stop being codependent and have a healthy relationship]

#9 Enjoy the moment. The key reason we often don’t play it cool with guys is that we are looking ahead instead of enjoying the moment. These times when you are first getting to know each other are the best parts. The butterflies and nerves are exciting. [Read: 15 romantic gestures in a new relationship new couples need to know]

Make the most of this time. Don’t rush into something so serious.

[Read: How to slow down and enjoy the romance]

With a bit of perspective and practice, learn how to play it cool with a guy. Then, really enjoy your new relationship!