47 Secrets to Get a Guy to Commit & Make Him Realize He Needs You

If your man has commitment issues, you might be wondering how to get a guy to commit.  It’s his choice, but with a little encouragement, it can be done.  

Commitment is a scary thing for a lot of people. The dynamics between people who want to engage in relationships *serious or otherwise* have constantly evolved, until their roots are nearly almost forgotten. These days, we’re concerned with how to get a guy to commit and dealing with all manner of other issues, such as social media and dating apps.

There was once a time when human and animalistic nature decided who you would spend the rest of your lives with. There was also a time when it took an enormous amount of effort and resources just to get a mate.

Fast forward to the 2020s, when finding someone to spend your life with has become entangled with various concepts like the idea of it being a sport, a game, a job, a task, or whatever else you can compare it to. Commitment is now optional, not a necessity. [Read: How to show commitment in a relationship and make them feel secure]

Is it harder to get guys to commit?

Yes and no. You have to understand that you’re only looking at the issue from a singular standpoint. Both guys and girls have the same amount of desire and reluctance to commit.

You can find just as many women who do not want to commit. It all depends on the type of person you are, and the type of person you like.

It only seems like guys are the more difficult gender to rein in, because that was what we believed for many years. As the concept of dating evolved, women are now just as likely to reject the notion of a commitment.

It’s just that they rarely admit to it and will hide that fact behind the premise of career prioritization, not being able to find their one true love, and just plain disliking the guy who asks them to commit.

Does it sound familiar? Of course, it does, because almost every guy uses the same excuses! [Read: He’s not ready for a relationship right now – Should I wait or walk?]

Why is it so hard to get guys to commit?

Admittedly, the reasons why guys don’t want to commit can be different from girls’. Their roles in society are perceived differently by the majority, and it influences how they handle their relationships.

Without the looming threat of a dried-up uterus, guys have the advantage of time on their hands. Unless their sperm count is dwindling to a mere 10 million, the ones who do want children won’t be inclined to run out of the door looking for the next fertile female in the vicinity.

Aside from that, men *as well as women* are still subject to the basic and primal needs of human nature. Their capacity to commit to another person is dependent on whether or not their personality allows them to. [Read: What is a toxic relationship? 53 signs to recognize love that hurts you and get out]

A person’s reluctance to commit is not a genetic predisposition. Their decisions are based on their past experiences, society’s influence, and how they perceive themselves. If a guy does not want to commit, there’s not much you can do about it.

The other problem lies in the person they are seeing. Wanting to commit is an admirable trait, but some women find it hard to resolve themselves to the fact that it’s not that easy to achieve.

With that being said, they sometimes end up ruining the possibility of a relationship by acting on a whim or manipulating the situation. [Read: Are we in a relationship? How to know for sure if you’re a couple]

Forcing someone to commit is never the answer

If anything, forcing a guy to commit will only drive him away faster. You can’t give a guy an ultimatum!

You’ll be extremely unhappy with his answer if you do. And even if he does commit under these circumstances, he’ll always feel some resentment toward you.

Not only that, but you’ll also carry around a form of insecurity. Would he have chosen you if you didn’t make him decide right then? You never want to start a relationship based on something so negative and forceful.

What mistakes do women make when getting a guy to commit?

If you’re looking to get a guy to commit to you, make sure that you never commit any of these common blunders.

1. Bringing the subject of commitment up during inopportune moments

The concept of “now or never” can be useful at times, but not every time. Some women end up asking their guys about commitment at the wrong time, just because the pressure got to them.

The shock your partner receives won’t help the situation, and it can even turn him off the idea, because he’s caught by surprise.

Try not to bring it up when you’re still resolving other issues or when you’re supposed to be focused on other priorities. [Read: DTR talk – How many dates before a relationship becomes official?]

2. Blurting it out of nowhere

Again, the pressure of the situation can push women to just blurt it out at random moments. The idea that you would bring the topic up while you’re at the grocery store can confuse a guy, and he might not take you seriously because of it.

Set an appropriate time for this type of conversation, and make sure that you’re ready to discuss it thoroughly.

3. Making it an obligation

Committing to someone is a choice, not an obligation. When you present it as something that your partner is supposed to do, he will start to question whether or not he agreed to it in the first place.

Unless you announced it as an ultimatum when you first started dating, you shouldn’t assume that it’s a done deal. [Read: How to quit being a possessive girlfriend]

4. Making it all about you

YOU want the commitment. It’s YOU that wants the security. YOU want to take the next step. Big mistake.

When you put it that way, your partner will start to think that maybe this isn’t what HE wants.

You need to ask your partner about what he wants, and not just prioritize the reason why you want to commit to each other. [Read: 19 signs you’re being selfish in your relationship and turning into a user]

5. Comparing your situation to your friends’ situations

This never ends well. Comparing yourself to your friends is one of the things that annoy guys the most.

It makes you come off as jealous and petty. Your sincerity will be questioned because you seem like you only want it because your friends have it.

6. Creating a life plan without considering your partner’s input

Commitment can be scary, because it means that things will change. When you’ve already planned out those changes without considering your partner’s take on the matter, there is a chance that he will take it negatively.

It would help if you ask him what he wants, and integrate it into both your plans for the future and your relationship. [Read: When to define the relationship – 20 signs it might be right now]

7. Talking about marriage

You’re just about to commit exclusively to each other. Why are you talking about marriage already? This is only okay if your partner wants to progress at the same pace as you.

Some men want to get married immediately, but you are more likely to find a man who wants to test the waters first, before considering giving you a ring.

8. Mentioning babies

STOP NOW! You aren’t even dating exclusively, and you already want to have his babies? This is a recipe for disaster, because it makes you seem irresponsible and impulsive. You hardly know each other!

He may know that you might want to have kids one day, but that conversation is reserved for a later date. A really later date. It’s also not a good idea to mention that you’re on a biological deadline.

Your guy is dating to find a partner. They’re not applying to be someone’s impromptu baby-daddy. [Read: The most taboo topics to avoid in a new relationship]

9. Withholding sex until you get what you want

Men insist that they are simple beings who don’t know what you’re talking about, unless you specify your thoughts concisely.

But they do know when they are being played, especially if sex is involved. This can work for small things like chores and favors, but using sex to squeeze out a commitment from a guy never ends well.

Some guys will humor you, but the sincerity of your plight for commitment was already lost the moment you decided to bribe him with sex.

10. Assuming that they’re already committed

There are times when you don’t need to talk about getting into a commitment with your partner, but there are so many things that could go wrong with that.

Plausible deniability is one of the most common consequences. Your guy can leave at any time, and they can even start seeing other people, while you’re left there wondering what the hell happened. [Read: 20 important lessons and things to know in a first relationship]

11. Telling people that you’re already committed

The worst thing that could happen when you start telling people that you’re committed to someone who doesn’t know about it is when said partner finds out from someone else… and denies it.

Some guys are nobler than others and will play along, but you can expect to have a talk and a possible break-up if they weren’t interested in being exclusive in the first place.

12. Asking far too early

First dates, second dates, third dates – those aren’t necessarily the perfect times to present a proposal to commit.

Give it time, and make sure that it’s what you both want. Get to know each other better and make sure that your goals are in line with each other’s. [Read: Four-month relationship – What should you expect when you hit this mark?]

13. Asking too late

This can also be a problem, because letting the question go unanswered for too long will leave room for too many assumptions.

Are you just casually dating? F*ck buddies? Are you just friends? Make sure that the progression of the dating stage is heading towards a commitment. That way, you’ll know when it’s the right time to ask your guy if he’s ready to commit. [Read: Why is he leading you on? How to understand the games he’s playing]

14. Letting other people ask for you

Are you in 7th grade? Stop. Just stop.

15. Saying you don’t want to commit, then taking it back when it suits you

It’s hard to let your guard down, but don’t be afraid to do it if being in a relationship is what you want. When you tell a guy that you don’t want to commit, he’ll take it at face value and act accordingly.

When you take it back immediately, it will confuse him, and the worst that could happen is he’ll feel betrayed or in over his head.

16. Issuing an ultimatum

It’s simply not cool to give a guy an ultimatum such as this, especially if you’ve not known each other that long.

For sure, if you’ve been together a long, long time and he’s showing no signs of commitment at all, you need to know where you stand and what’s going on.

In that case, you need to put yourself and your own needs first. But, if you’ve not been dating long and you’re giving “commit to me or I walk” ultimatums, you’re probably going to find yourself single again pretty quickly. [Read: Ultimatums in a relationship – Why they don’t work and how to use them]

How to get him to commit without causing a riff

One thing guys tend to stress about the most when it comes to commitment is being forced into it. They don’t like that pressure.

Therefore, you need a few sneaky ways to learn how to get a guy to commit, and handily, we’ve got you covered.

1. Be fun and easy-going

Guys are much less complicated than women, that much is for certain. They like things to be easy-going and relaxed.

This means they don’t really want to commit to someone who’s going to add stress to their life. So be easy-going and keep things light and fun. He’ll be much more willing to commit. [Read: 26 qualities of a good woman every man looks for in someone he wants to settle with]

2. Wait a while to have “the conversation”

If you try making a guy your boyfriend after a few dates, he’ll more than likely run for the hills. If you really want to know how to get him to commit, be patient.

When the time is right, he’ll preposition the idea of becoming an official couple. Just don’t let him get away with waiting too long.

3. Get to know him fully

You really need to spend a lot of time getting to know details about his life and childhood. These can not only help you decide if you truly like him, it’ll also give you insight as to why he has commitment issues, to begin with. [Read: How to get a guy to open up and talk more]

4. Ask about their previous relationships

Obviously, you can’t do this after the first date. That’s a big no-no. However, once you’re more comfortable around each other, discuss your previous relationships.

You’ll be able to learn a lot about why he isn’t fond of commitment and it can even show you if this is a deeper issue than you think. Be open and honest and you’ll get the same in return.

5. Be cool with his friends

If a guy’s friends like you, it’ll be so much easier to get him to commit. When they’re asking about you and wanting you to hang out with them, he’ll see the value in that.

So be cool with them, talk to them, and make them see how great you really are. [Read: How to get his friends to accept you as one of their own]

6. Reward him for boyfriend-like behavior

When he does something that shows his commitment to you, reward him for it. Something like going out of his way to make plans with you or inviting you to events is definitely behavior you need to reward.

When he sees that you like that kind of thing, he’ll want to do it more and soon enough, he’ll have committed to you for real.

7. Withdraw if he seems too hesitant

Not much will make a guy commit faster than the fear of losing you if they don’t. However, you can’t give them an ultimatum.

Just simply stop talking as much if he starts showing you he’s not ready to commit. This might scare him into realizing how much you really mean to him. [Read: 20 subtle ways to get a man to chase you and fall hard]

8. Set your standards early on

Let him know from the get-go that you’re not looking for something casual.

Make it known that you want something real and that you really like him. So long as you’re not making it seem like you want to marry him right away, he’ll always have commitment on his mind.

9. Give them plenty of space and freedom

One reason guys don’t want to commit is because they often feel like it’ll trap them. They want their freedom and space so if they don’t even become official with someone, they’ll keep it. That’s how they think, anyway.

Show him that you’re more than happy to give him that space and he’ll be more willing to commit. [Read: The subtle yet obvious hints guys give when they need more space]

10. Maintain your own life

Don’t drop your whole life for him. If he notices you becoming too involved with him, it’ll be a red flag.

Have your own hobbies and your own life. If he sees that you have a life independent from his, he won’t feel like commitment is a trap.

11. Integrate yourself into his life

This makes the commitment feel so much more natural to him. If you’re already naturally a part of his life, he’ll find it easy to commit to you. You may not even have to do anything else.

12. Don’t call him your boyfriend

If you haven’t had the DTR discussion yet, don’t call him this at all. It will scare him and possibly set off his alerts. Just call him by his name or just call him a friend. [Read: How to be a good girlfriend – 27 easy ways to make him love you more]

13. Introduce him as your friend

Nothing will make a guy feel less like they’re yours than if you introduce him as a friend. If he really likes you, he’ll even get a little heated about it.

This will make him want to be introduced as more than this and he might even suggest you two become official!

14. Show him what a healthy commitment looks like

You don’t need to be “official” with a guy in order to treat him like your boyfriend. If he sees what a great partner you are, he’ll want to have you in his life all the time. Therefore, you need to show him what a real commitment looks like.

Without even realizing it, he’ll see how great being in a committed relationship is. It’s even better if you talk about it but you need to be careful.

Instead of saying things like, “anything for my boyfriend.” Say something along the lines of, “I’ll do anything for someone I care so much about.” It’s less scary and proves to him that you really do care. [Read: 9 relationship stages all couples go through]

15. Make it his idea to commit

Overall, when it comes to knowing how to get him to commit, you need to make it his idea. Sure, you’re pushing him into thinking about it but it needs to come from him.

Guys with commitment issues won’t be forced into it. They need to do it all on their own.

16. Be 100% yourself

You really can’t trick a guy into liking you if you’re trying to be someone else. As much as we think guys aren’t as observant as women, they can still tell when you’re being fake.

Don’t even try it because he’ll never want to be with someone when he doesn’t even know who you really are. [Read: How to be yourself – 26 steps to unfake your life and love being YOU]

17. Show him that you’re committed

Why would he commit to you if he’s not even sure you’re into him that way? You really have to show guys that you’re in it for good, too. Otherwise, how will he know?

Guys are just as insecure as you are, especially if he really likes you. But if he knows that you’re going to commit and be exclusive to him, he’ll feel a lot better about doing the same. So make sure he knows how you feel. [Read: 25 ways to show a guy you’re serious about him and totally ready to commit]

18. Be good to him

Why would a guy want to be with someone who treats them badly? You can’t demand a guy do stuff for you and then be upset when he doesn’t want to stay with you or commit.

That being said, if you treat him well and how you want to be treated, he’ll be much more likely to commit simply because he’s happy. When he sees how respectful and kind you are as a partner, he’ll want to stick around.

19. Be grateful for the things he does for you

Nobody wants to commit to you if you never recognize the nice things they do. Would you? Probably not. You have to be actively thankful for the nice things he does for you when he does them.

Not only does this show him you really care, but he’ll be more likely to repeat that behavior. [Read: 25 ways to make your guy feel appreciated and cared for]

20. Always keep him guessing

This is in reference to what you do, not how you feel. Be spontaneous. If he never knows what you’ll do next – so long as it’s positive – he’ll want to stay about. It’s entertaining and fun. Plus, it provides a bit of a challenge and we all know how men are with challenges.

21. Hold your own

This basically means to just stop being so sensitive. Know how to take a joke and when to laugh at yourself.

It’s okay for a guy to pick on you and tease you. That means he likes you! Understanding how to get a guy to commit is about being yourself and not taking umbrage at every small thing.

But if you’re always getting upset or unreasonably angry at his little pokes of fun, he won’t want to deal with that. So joke with him and give it right back. Hold your own and he’ll find you way more intriguing. [Read: How to stop being so sensitive about everything all the time]

22. Don’t change your opinion just because of him

You really have to have an opinion of your own. The most unattractive thing about a girl is when a guy asks her an opinion and she just agrees with him blindly.

It’s okay if you really do agree, but don’t feel the need to hide your opinion if it differs. You can easily be together and not agree on some things and it can even make your dynamic more interesting if you don’t. [Read: How to express your opinion without being snobby]

23. Have meaningful discussions

As much as guys have a reputation for not caring deeply about many things, they really do. Something that’s very attractive is when a guy can have nice, deep conversation with a girl he likes. Don’t underestimate that when trying to get him to commit.

24. Don’t put up with his BS

If you’re having trouble figuring out how to get a guy to commit, he also probably dishes a lot of bullshit that makes your relationship hard. Don’t put up with it and have some self-respect. [Read: 22 early warning signs of a bad boyfriend you need to leave ASAP]

25. Avoid nagging

The more you nag a guy about committing, the less likely it is that he’ll do it. Not only is it really annoying of you, but he’ll be more and more put off.

When you nag, he only imagines you doing that for basically everything for the entirety of your relationship. He won’t want to be with someone like that. Lay off and follow these other tips to get him to commit. [Read: How to stop nagging and annoying your partner]

26. Ease into it slowly

Forcing a guy into commitment is never a good idea. It’s not the way to get a guy to commit at all. This is usually the first mistake many women make. Women usually badger their boyfriends into making them committed to the relationship.

If you force him to commit too soon in the relationship, you might send him running in the opposite direction. The trick here is to ease into it slowly, without jumping at him with your exclusivity speech. [Read: 10 most common mistakes women make in relationships]

27. Understand the art of waiting

They say that playing the waiting game is still essential if you want to have a secure relationship. While there are couples who have been married for over 20 years who have had sex on the first date, there are some who say to “wait it out a bit.”

The art of the tease would certainly add some excitement to the relationship. The sex would only feel more right when you truly know that you have an emotional connection with each other.

28. Let him chase you

While you might be tempted to bombard him with many messages and invitations to dates, reduce the frequency of these. Perhaps one of the greatest secrets of getting a man to commit is to not be readily available all the time.

Don’t be afraid to play hard to get, and let him miss you.

This way, he will realize that you are not completely under his control, and he will put an effort into keeping you. That’s the best way to learn how to get a guy to commit. [Read: Why do men like a chase? How to use it in your favor]

29. Be sure to build trust

Some men think that women only want them to commit because the woman doesn’t trust him enough to be faithful without making their relationship official.

Before you even start entertaining the idea of commitment, it’s important to establish trust in each other. When you learn to trust each other, getting into a more serious phase in your relationship becomes that much easier, and it makes a lot more sense.

30. Work on being a confident and secure woman

A man will find it hard to commit to you if he knows that he’ll be getting your baggage along with a relationship.

While some confidence and insecurity issues may take time to be resolved, you at least have to show your man that you’re doing your best to overcome said issues.

Your partner would want someone who is confident in her own abilities and her sense of self-worth. Confident women do not allow people to mistreat them. They know that they deserve respect, and they command it. [Read: 25 ways to keep him hooked and happy in love]

31. Make him feel like he is earning the privilege of being with you

Always remember that you are worthy of being in a relationship with someone who loves and respects you. A man who works hard to ensure that you stay with him is a man who knows your value.

On the other hand, when you’re the only one working on keeping your relationship together, you’re only showing him that he doesn’t even have to lift a finger to make you commit to him.

So in order to make him commit to you, you must show him that you’re worth the chase. Let him know that you’re a woman who knows her own value, and that he should consider it an honor to be so close to being in a committed relationship with you. [Read: High value woman – 20 traits that make men respect you and be in awe of you]

Know when the relationship is going nowhere

We’re talking about how to get a guy to commit but sometimes the relationship just isn’t meant to be. If it’s just going nowhere and he’s showing no signs of wanting that to change, have some self-respect, and know when to walk away.

Take a moment to assess the relationship as it is, and not what you idealize it to be. Do you feel secure in the relationship, or does it feel like treading on broken glass?

If a commitment is something that the guy you’re with is definitely not considering, just accept this fact and learn to let it go. It’s far better to be single than to constantly want something from a man who can’t give you what you want. [Read: 21 big signs he will never marry you and you’re just his maybe girl]

Commitment isn’t something to fear

Nowadays, commitment has become so rare. These days, many don’t believe in committing themselves to one relationship.

No one really believes in exclusivity anymore. In fact, most people think that commitment in a relationship is archaic, a thing of the past.

You might have found yourself to be dating a man who loves you, enjoys spending his time with you, and makes you feel loved back. When you are with him, you feel sparks, and you know that dating him feels absolutely different from the other men you have dated before. All that’s lacking now is the commitment that you crave.

One of the biggest differences between men and women is that women tend to bond on an emotional level with their men sooner. This results in women desiring security and commitment in a relationship much sooner than their partners.

And when this point comes, women tend to worry about what they need to do to make their partners feel the same way. But, commitment isn’t something to fear. [Read: Wife material – 25 things that separate a woman a guy dates or marries]

Learning how to get a guy to commit comes down to his choice

There are relationships that men commit to, and there are those that they don’t. The ones they choose to commit to are the relationships that are founded on the values of love, loyalty and respect.

Without these, the relationship is nothing more than a no-strings-attached thing that ultimately becomes disposable.

Commitment is a choice. You may have dated for a long time, maybe even years. Perhaps it has already come to a point where you don’t know where the relationship is going. When you have reached this point, have a talk with your man. Ask him this simple question, where are we headed?

Do not become so needy and cling to him, or use emotional manipulation to get him to commit to you.

Instead, work on being an emotionally secure woman, and be firm with what you want – a committed relationship. It all boils down to a simple “yes” or “no,” but never a vague “maybe.” But of course, this should all happen at the right time. Don’t push things too soon.

 [Read: He won’t commit but he won’t let go – What should you do at this point?]

Knowing how to get a guy to commit is all about knowing where he’s most sensitive. Figure out why he doesn’t want to commit and show him that he has nothing to worry about.