36 Secrets to Hurt a Narcissist & Make Them Feel Miserable for Using You

Do you want to give a narcissist a taste of their own medicine? If you want to learn how to make them miserable, here are some tips to try.

The urge for revenge can be really strong, especially if they’ve hurt you or someone you care about. Now, learning how to make a narcissist miserable is no easy game. 

In fact, you run the risk of having it backfire in your face and that’s even messier. But if you’re willing to risk it, then you’re going to need to know how to make the narcissist miserable.

When you love a narcissist

You might love your narcissist. It’s hard to explain how you can love someone who treats you so badly, but that’s manipulation talking. Their gaslighting makes you see past the bad things because you question them so deeply. 

You think that you’re making them up in your head, that you’re the one who’s being poisonous, by avoiding seeing the good in your partner. [Read: 16 signs your lover is gaslighting and messing with your head]

But that couldn’t be further from the truth.

The bottom line is that if you want to try and deal with this relationship you’ve got yourself into, you first have to acknowledge that you are indeed in a difficult situation. 

Understand that it has no future. Once you do that, you can figure out a way to get away from it all, but in the meantime, avoid the worst thing you can do to a narcissist – seek revenge. [Read: How to beat a narcissist at their manipulation games]

The reason seeking revenge is so hard is that you naturally want to make them feel the same pain that they’re causing you. But that’s impossible because they don’t feel the same way as you. 

And even if they did, they’re not going to sit back and look over their actions and think, “Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t have done that to them, maybe I was wrong.” That type of thinking does not occur in the brain of a narcissist.

What is narcissistic rage?

Before we get into learning how to make a narcissist miserable, let’s talk about narcissistic rage and narcissistic supply for a minute. [Read: Narcissistic rage and how to handle it]

When someone has NPD, their personality disorder causes them to act in a certain way. They’re not able to process criticism and they see everything as a personal slight. 

They must be the very best of the best and their self-importance means that anything they deem to be insulting, they take extremely badly indeed. This leads to narcissistic rage in many cases. 

Narcissistic rage is a very strong emotional outburst of anger. It’s normally verbal, but it may be physical. [Read: Why do narcissists ignore texts and do the selfish things they do?]

In some cases, the outburst goes inwards, and the person chooses to remain completely silent. However, their body language will be extremely aggressive, and you’ll have no doubt about how they feel. 

What is narcissistic supply?

So, what is narcissistic supply really?

Narcissistic supply is the thing or person who is supplying them with the praise and validation that they need. Basically, it’s what is feeding a narcissist and validating their toxic behavior.

When you cut the narcissistic supply, i.e. stop validating or criticizing them, this leads to narcissistic rage. [Read: What is narcissistic supply and how to stop giving this to them]

Hurt the ego, hurt the narcissist

Of course, if we’re really talking about the worst thing you can do to a narcissist in terms of trying to get a reaction, then it certainly is hurting their ego. If you hurt their ego in any way, they will react hard and fast.

You see, narcissists are all about their ego. That is who they are, what they do, what they believe, and the image they want to show to the world. When you question their ego, you’re questioning the foundation on which they’ve built up the image they want to show.

Remember, underneath it all, narcissists have very questionable self-confidence. They rely upon validation from other people to feel good. They put on a fake mask and seek it out, building up their ego brick by brick.

When you question it, you’re questioning their existence and worth. As a result, they’re likely to lash out and turn the entire thing around on you.

Again, it’s not worth prodding the bear with a stick, because you’re the one who’s going to end up suffering.

The best course of action is to understand your truth and know you must leave and focus on yourself. No doubt about it. You’ve spent a lot of time focusing on this person to this point because that’s what a narcissist makes you do. [Read: Breaking up with a narcissist – 28 must-knows, what to expect & how to do it]

As a result, you’re lacking confidence, and self-worth, and need a little TLC *tender loving care*. The best person to give that to you is yourself.

You don’t have to stay and deal with it or be their verbal punching bag. Set yourself free. Spend some time with the person who really deserves you, yourself. [Read: How to beat a narcissist and win over their game]

What do narcissists hate the most?

In order to make a narcissist miserable, you also need to understand what they hate. And then do it.

Although every narcissist is different, they all have common things that hurt their ego. Here are things all narcissists hate.

1. When attention is focused on someone other than themselves

One thing that makes a narcissist a narcissist is that they focus on themselves – and only themselves. And they want everyone else to do that too. 

So, when they are not the center of attention, it kills them. They don’t like it when other people focus on them. [Read: Attention whore – what it is, 23 signs and secrets to handling an attention-seeker]

2. When they don’t get their way

In some ways, narcissists are a little like toddlers. Toddlers have a hard time sharing and compromising and they want everything their way. 

That’s what narcissists are like too. They can’t stand it when they are not in control and other people don’t obey them or ask them what to do.

3. When they see you happy, successful, and thriving without them 

How dare you be happy without them! That is unacceptable. They want to be the center of your universe – for better or for worse. And seeing you happy and independent makes them miserable.

The ironic thing is, however, that they don’t want to make you happy either. They want you with them but also want you to be unhappy. That’s because it gives them power over you and that’s how they like it. [Read: How to find your way out of the mess if you have narcissistic victim syndrome]

4. When they’re proven wrong 

Many narcissists are chronic liars too. They will make up anything to make themselves look good. So, it’s usually no big deal to tell lies regularly.

So, if someone presents evidence and rational, logical arguments for why they are wrong, it makes them furious. But they’re not mad because they’re wrong. They’re mad because you called them out on it. Not that they’ll ever acknowledge it.

5. When they’re called out for toxic behavior 

In addition to hating when someone points out that they’re wrong, they don’t like it when they’re called out for any toxic behavior they have. Anything from yelling to gaslighting is something that they won’t admit to.

Instead, they’ll just dig in their heels and blame someone else. They can never take personal responsibility for their actions. It’s just not in their DNA. [Read: How to handle a narcissist without falling apart and losing yourself]

6. Any expectation of responsibility or commitment

The only person that a narcissist feels responsibility or commitment to is themselves. If they don’t want to do it, then they don’t do it. 

This, of course, doesn’t sit well with other people. If anyone wants them to step up and be a mature human being with responsibility, they just won’t do it.

7. Vulnerability and anyone’s expectation of empathy

One of the reasons narcissists are the way they are is because they are protecting themselves. They might not even know they are doing it, but they subconsciously know.

So, if they have to be vulnerable or have empathy for anyone else, it’s virtually impossible for them to do that. They see it as a sign of weakness, and they can’t put themselves in that position. [Read: 24 signs of people who lack empathy to know they don’t care what you think]

8. Clear-eyed appraisals of their character 

For some odd reason, a lot of narcissists think that no one else knows that they are a narcissist. It’s like they think they’re wearing some invisible cloak that disguises their narcissistic character.

So, when other people see them clearly and for who they really are, they hate that. They don’t want to be called out. They prefer to be a little less obvious. [Read: How to stop giving the narcissist the attention they crave]

9. Changes to the status quo

That status quo is how something is usually done. So, narcissists love their own status quo, which is usually imposing their own will and rules on other people in order to control them.

So, if someone changes the status quo that suited them and turns the tables, they hate that. They always like to have an advantage over other people. And when they aren’t in control, it makes them crazy. 

10. People the narcissist can’t control or bully into submission

Narcissists hate strong-willed people because they fight back. They don’t want that. In fact, they don’t want any pushback at all with their wicked ways. [Read: Emotional bullying – how to recognize a bully and stand your ground]

Instead, they like people who are weak and who they can bully. A strong person won’t stand for their antics and might even laugh in their face about it. That would make their blood boil.

How to make a narcissist miserable

If you’ve been manipulated emotionally and mentally by someone that acts only out of their self-interest, well, you’ve met a narcissist. [Read: 23 secret signs of narcissism most people overlook until it’s too late]

Congratulations! You’ve survived their mental torture. Now, you’ve seen the light. The narcissist made you miserable in more ways than one, and you’re putting your foot down. You’ve had enough.

Naturally, it’s normal to want revenge on them, to make them feel the pain they’ve put you through. But turning the tables and playing them at their own game isn’t as easy as it looks. It isn’t easy, but it’s possible. Here’s how.

1. Think about it first

Listen, having revenge against anyone takes a lot of time and effort. Right now, you’re emotional, so wanting payback is understandable. But you can’t do this while being a hot mess.

Before you take one step further, you need to make sure you’re calm, because if not, you can make some crucial mistakes that won’t benefit you in any way.

2. Put feelings to the side

This is very important. You need to remove any emotion you had for this person. 

If this was your partner, you have to drill it into your head that they don’t love you and are just using you for their own benefit. [Read: Never ignore these signs of manipulation in a relationship]

If you’re emotional, you’ll easily fall back into their trap which is what they’re going to try to do.

3. Take time to figure them out

Yes, this person is a narcissist, but that’s not enough. If you want to know how to make a narcissist miserable, you need to learn how they tick, what’s going on in their heads, and where their weaknesses lie. 

Stop thinking that they’re above you. Instead, see them as who they really are. This means you’ll need to look at them objectively to find out their vulnerabilities and weak spots. Once you find them out, use this information against them. [Read: 16 clear signs you’re deep in a narcissistic relationship]

4. Focus on their imperfections

A narcissist is someone obsessed with themselves which means they know their strengths and weaknesses very well. However, this also means that they’re extremely vulnerable and mask their insecurities with extreme confidence.

You were used by them to boost their ego, however, this is the first step in realizing, if done right, how easy they are to crumble.

Instead of focusing on complimenting them, focus on their vulnerabilities and flaws without insulting them directly.

5. Treat them how they treat you

If you want to make a narcissist feel bad, then dish them a taste of their own medicine. This is the best way to play with their heads. 

Do exactly what they do to you. If they’re hot and cold with you, be hot and cold with them. If they would ignore you, ignore them. Use the silent treatment as well, distancing yourself away from them, and becoming too busy to spend time with them.

6. Have them question your feelings

They thought you were obsessed with them, they thought they had you around their finger.

This is the entire purpose of your relationship with them, if you didn’t notice. But you need to put them in a position where they wonder if you actually love them at all.

They want confirmation that they’re the only one you want. However, you need to have them thinking, wondering if you even love them. [Read: How to play hard to get to your advantage]

7. Focus on you

If you really want the best revenge, focus on yourself. The narcissist wants you to obsess about them, but when they see you happy, hanging out with people, laughing, and enjoying life, that’s when they feel truly miserable.

Self-respect and self-esteem are things that they can’t handle in a partner and that’s why they chose you. They saw you as someone who was weak. But you’re not. So, move on because that’ll really sting them.

8. Don’t expect change

This person is a narcissist. They’re not changing any time soon, we’re sorry to give you the bad news. [Read: Can you teach a narcissist to change for the better?]

This is a personality disorder, and unless they realize it and want to seek treatment, they’ll never change. This means you’re going to need to be the one who changes.

Decide if you want to be with them or not. If you want to stay with them, well, know that this is the behavior you’re going to have to deal with daily.

9. Don’t give them any attention

Positive or negative, narcissists love attention. If the attention is negative, they’ll assume that the person is just jealous and reframe it in their own mind to be praised.

When you don’t give the narcissist the attention they crave, they’ll despise it and they’ll be miserable. 

10. Stick to the facts and avoid emotion

Narcissists have to be right about everything and that often means twisting things and creating their own version of reality. [Read: How to be emotionless – 16 ways to lose feelings and gain control]

When you stick to cold, hard facts that can’t be denied, you’re making their reality even harder to stick to and prove. 

This is one of the best ways when learning how to make a narcissist miserable because you’re creating a challenge that they have no idea how to conquer. 

11. Sticking to your boundaries

In order to be around a narcissist, you need to set boundaries and stick to them. This is a way of coping and managing the situation, and it’s vital. [Read: How to set boundaries with a narcissist and weaken their hold over you]

However, narcissists hate it when you voice a boundary and actually stick to it. They’ll push you to see if you actually mean what you say. When you really do go through with the consequence you promised, they’ll be miserable.

12. Refuse their demands

It’s not just about refusing to show them attention but refusing to do what they want. Narcissists don’t have the word “no” on their radar, they expect you to do everything they ask because they’re amazing. 

Why should you refuse? That’s their reality, at least. However, when you say “no” and don’t bow to their requests, they literally hate it. [Read: How to say no – 15 ways to reason politely, stop pleasing, and feel kickass]

13. Give them an ultimatum for commitment

Narcissists cannot be held down and they hate commitment. However, they also don’t want you running out of their life either because it means that they’ve somehow failed or lost control. 

If you give them an ultimatum and force them to commit, you’re sure to make them miserable. [Read: How to predict when a narcissist will end your relationship and walk out]

However, this is not a good idea to follow through with, because let’s be honest – do you really want this for the rest of your life? This is an instance where we suggest lying to your narcissist to hurt them.

14. Push them to be around someone in authority

How to make a narcissist miserable? Push them to answer to someone who is above them in authority. They hate this! 

They want to be the best of the best, and the one that everyone looks up to and answers to. Having to answer to someone else is likely to cause a huge amount of misery to a narcissist.

15. Calling them out in public

Calling out a narcissist in public is one way to infuriate them and make them downright miserable. They do not want to be cast in any light other than extremely flattering. 

If you humiliate them in some way, they will despise the situation. You should also be prepared to be given the cold shoulder afterward. [Read: What is the worst thing you can do to a narcissist to hurt them?] 

16. Make them face their failures

Narcissists hate to lose. However, they don’t often put themselves in a situation where they have to prove their ability because that may shine a light on their possible inadequacies. If a narcissist does lose at something, they’ll blame everyone around them and call it a fix. 

They will not admit that it was their fault or their lack of knowledge that caused the loss to happen. Learning how to make a narcissist miserable is easy if you make them face up to their failures.

17. Make it very clear that you’re not falling for their act

A narcissist is a master manipulator. If you make it more than clear that you know what their game is and that you’re not falling for it, you’ll notice how defensive they get.

This is probably when they will automatically turn on the charm and try to love-bomb you, so be warned. [Read: Narcissist and empath and why they’re a match made in dating hell]

18. Be spontaneous

Narcissists must be in control and when you’re spontaneous and throw things up into the air, ruining their routine, they do not like it one bit. This is one of the best ways when learning how to make a narcissist miserable because it’s so easy to do.

19. Flaunt how happy you are without them

Narcissists love to make you miserable because it gives them a sense of power over you. That’s why they are the way they are. [Read: How to be happy alone and 20 reasons why relationships are overrated]

So, whether you’re in a relationship with them or broken up, they hate when you are happy. Whether it’s telling them how happy you are or posting it on social media, they hate to see you thrive. So don’t be shy to talk about the things that bring you happiness when they aren’t around.

20. Resist their love-bombings

You probably already know this, but narcissists can actually be quite charming and even charismatic, especially when you first meet them. That’s because they have to lure you in with this charm otherwise you’d never be with them.

So, even if you are broken up, they might try to love-bomb you to get you back. But don’t fall for it. They are just doing this in order to regain control over you. They’ll go back to who they really are if you don’t resist. [Read: What is love-bombing? The essential signs to spot the manipulation early]

21. Place the blame on them

Narcissists can’t ever take personal responsibility, that’s why they always blame other people. And they expect others to just accept that. It never occurs to them that another person will turn the tables on them.

So, just call them out and place the blame on them for once. They won’t admit to any wrongdoing – of course. But you will at least put them in their place.

22. Avoid dramatic reactions

Of course, dealing with a narcissist will make anyone frustrated, angry, and miserable. Because of this, it’s easy to lose your cool and become dramatic and feed into their little mind games.

But that’s exactly what they want. In fact, they thrive off of throwing you off balance and making you crazy. So, the best thing to do is to just avoid being dramatic and being pulled into their storm. [Read: 36 Secrets to spot difficult people and deal with them in a calm & cool way]

23. Gray rock as often as possible

Speaking of avoiding dramatic reactions, you can use the gray rock method to do this. The gray rock method is a tactic that you can use when the narcissist is being abusive or manipulative.

All you need to do is act as incredibly uninterested as possible when they are trying to engage with you. [Read: Gray rock method – what it is, 23 secrets & how to use it on a narcissist]

Just disengage and don’t react at all. This causes them to lose interest in talking to you. It helps reduce conflict and abuse.

24. Ignore or exclude them from your activities and conversations with others

Because narcissists like being the center of attention, they hate being ignored or excluded from anything. They want people to adore and admire them because it feeds into their egos.

So, do things without them. Plan activities with other people or have conversations around them but don’t include them in them. They will feel very left out which will make them crazy. [Read: 44 stress-free ways to ignore someone and stop people from hurting you]

25. Ask them for proof whenever they say something

Pretend that you’re an attorney in a courtroom and you’re cross-examining a witness or building your case. You need to have evidence of what you are trying to prove, right?

Well, you have to think like that. Whenever they make a claim, demand that they produce evidence for their claims. Because narcissists lie so much, they probably don’t have any. Plus, they’re not used to being called out like that.

26. Cut off all contact with them if you can

If you think a narcissist is going to change, then you are wrong. You can hope and pray all you want, but the likelihood of it happening is practically zero. [Read: How to get a narcissist to walk away from your life for good]

So, if you can possibly do it, cut off all contact with them. That is the only way that they will stop having an influence over you and your life. Walk away and never look back! 

Is it worth it?

If you’re reading an article about how to break a narcissist’s heart, you’re probably not feeling in the most loving of moods when it comes to the narcissist in your life. In that case, why not take it as motivation for you to leave? [Read: The complete guide on how to deal with a narcissist in the best way possible]

This isn’t something you can change. A narcissist is not going to suddenly transform into a loving person. Even if they do, it’s an illusion and won’t last. 

So, why waste your time for a second longer? Use that energy you’ve suddenly developed towards hurting the narcissist in your life, and push it towards your efforts to leave.

It will definitely be the single best decision you make. [Read: How to break up with a narcissist – 28 must-knows, what to expect, and how to do it]

The single best thing to do, rather than trying to inflict pain and hurt, is to make a plan to leave. Walk away. Get out of there. Focus on yourself and the life you deserve. Because the relationship you’re in right now is not serving you well.

And the next time you meet someone, look for the red flags that they’re possibly a narcissist. If you’ve encountered one on a personal level, the chances are you’re going to encounter another. Know the red flags and learn how to avoid people with them.

[Read: Healthy relationship – 27 signs, qualities, and what it looks like in real life]

Now that you know how to make a narcissist miserable, you just have to decide if this is something you really want to do or if it is easier to just walk away.