33 Toxic Signs of Double Standards in a Relationship & Ways to Deal with It

Double standards in relationships are very harmful. Discover the signs so you know exactly where to draw the line.

Will we ever be able to rid the world of double standards in relationships? Probably not. But you can learn about them and why they’re horrible to have – especially if you want your relationship to last a lifetime.

We’re usually privy to the toxicities in our relationships, but we don’t often do anything about them. And those who ignore them completely are unlikely to end up with happily ever after.

Just because double standards have existed forever doesn’t mean we should keep doing them. In fact, if you really value your relationship and want it to last, the best thing you can do is be aware of specific double standards in relationships. [Read: Types of feminism – can’t we all just agree to disagree?]

What does double standard mean in a relationship?

A double standard is a rule or concept that is unfairly applied inconsistently to various individuals or groups. This typically happens in a committed relationship when one partner sets standards for the other that they don’t hold themselves to.

For instance, a person is using a double standard when they wish for their partner to practice economic living while they themselves indulge in extravagant spending.

Double standards are a relationship killer, much like dishonesty and disrespect, and both partners can be responsible for them. [Read: 20 traits & signs of a toxic boyfriend that predict a painful relationship]

If you’re complicit, you’re part of the problem

We can blame whatever we want when our relationship goes bad, but if you aren’t pointing the finger at yourself, you’re not doing yourself any favors.

A lot of the time, issues in relationships can be traced back to double standards. Your lack of action and self-awareness makes you part of the problem.

This means you’re tolerating double standards in relationships instead of doing something about them. Even if you think that men and women haven’t been equals for centuries, you’re already part of the problem.

Simply being aware of particular double standards is already significant enough. [Read: 15 glaringly obvious signs of an abusive relationship]

How do double standards affect relationships?

Have you ever thought about the long-standing *wrong* idea that guys can do things and girls can’t and vice versa? Is the world really this unfair?

When it comes to relationships, if you continue practicing these double standards, it will continue to harm your relationship until it inevitably ends.

A relationship is all about partnership, so the fact that double standards are observed means that one of you disrespects the other, or that a power struggle is evident. [Read: Power struggles in a relationship – 19 signs & ways to overcome it]

By being aware of the significant double standards, you can change the error of your ways and make your relationship happier and more blissful.

What are the major double standards in relationships?

In order to understand why you can’t have these things throwing a wrench in your relationship, you first have to know what they are. Who knows? Maybe you never knew these things were unhealthy, toxic double standards. [Read: Not happy in a relationship – 20 signs, why it happens & what to do]

1. Making fun of clothing choices

This is one you probably don’t even realize exists. Basically, the girl can criticize the guy’s style choices and think it’s all fun and games, but the moment he does the same to her, it’s game over. This is the opposite of healthy, and it practices bias and inequality.

But the thing is, we see this all the time and it’s toxic because he might actually be very hurt by it. And he can’t even make her see how much it bothers him. [Read: Common insecurities of guys that most girls don’t realize]

2. Rules about who you can and can’t hang out with

This is just absurd for so many reasons. If you’re in a happy and healthy relationship, these types of rules shouldn’t exist. You should just trust your partner to be with anyone and remain faithful.

This is why some people fear getting into relationships, as they think their partners will tend to control their choices and how they live their lives.

Even if there’s a fear of cheating, both parties should trust one another to hang out with their friends without doing anything that could sabotage the relationship.[Read: Micro-cheating – what it is & signs you’re unintentionally doing it]

3. Initiating first moves – or any moves

This is one of those instances of double standards in relationships that have been around for way too long. It’s basically known that men are supposed to make the first move. While this is slowly but surely dying, it really should’ve been dead a long time ago.

Thankfully, women are now starting to be courageous enough to make the first move. However, some are still stuck on the idea that men should make the first move and that they’re desperate or needy if women do it. Ditch this mindset, it’s not healthy. [Read: How to make the first move on a guy – 15 creatively sweet ways]

4. Using your period as an excuse

Ladies, this just isn’t fair. Yes, being a woman is hard when it’s that time of the month. There are times when your period really does get in the way of certain things, but there are girls out there who fake their period as an excuse to treat their men like crap or demand something they want.

All we are saying is that it’s not an excuse to avoid being a decent human being or girlfriend. [Read: A girl’s ultimate survival guide to period woes]

5. One partner can hang out with the opposite sex, but the other can’t

This is one of those major double standards in relationships that’s just not fair. Some girls can have tons of guy friends and spend all the time they want with them, but when their boyfriend wants to grab lunch with a couple of his girl friends, it’s like the end of the world.

A toxic partner always controls the situation and makes it seem like they’re doing it out of love. When you love someone, you can trust them not to fall in love with everyone they meet. Most of the time, this jealousy stems from insecurities and a lack of confidence. [Read: Possessive relationship – signs you’re in one & how to change it]

6. Sex being used as a weapon

Sex is an important element in a relationship, but using it as a weapon is neither fair nor healthy. And when the girl is the only one who can do this, it’s a double standard.

In fact, neither gender should even be using sex as a weapon for anything, even if it’s to get out of something or get what they want. [Read: Harsh truths about using sex as a weapon all women must know]

7. Exposing insecurities

Do you often do this while they sit back and take it? When you’re with your friends, do you make a joke with them about something your partner is actually insecure about and will have to just “get over it?”

But if they were to do the same and expose one of your insecurities, it could lead to the end of your relationship.

That’s not fair, and it’s not right. Both of you should keep those private, important details to yourselves. Why do some people take it personally, but it’s passed off as okay or an “act of love” when they do it to their partners? [Read: 20 signs of insecurity people can’t hide when they feel insecure]

8. Jealous behaviors

Some people actually use excuses like they were cheated on by their previous partner, so they have the right to be jealous.

While trauma isn’t something we should make light of, what happened to you in the past doesn’t justify you imposing a double standard on your new relationship. Your current partner hasn’t done anything wrong.

Your relationship won’t be able to survive the tests of time unless you learn to trust. [Read: How to deal with jealousy in a relationship & learn to overcome it]

9. Being demanding and controlling

It may be sexy when fictional characters are demanding and controlling, but it’s definitely not in real life. In fact, it’s a major red flag. No matter the dynamic of your relationship, it’s never okay to tell your partner what they can and can’t do.

Why do you get to live the way you want while your partner’s life has to be supervised and directed by you? That’s simply unfair. A relationship is a partnership and not a dictatorship. [Read: 15 types of toxic relationships to watch out for]

10. Having someone else buy you drinks

We’ve never really understood this one, to be honest. You shouldn’t accept a drink offer from someone if you’re in a relationship because you’re sending the wrong message.

So, no matter the gender, it should never be okay if you’re in a relationship. Yet, society accepts it as flattering and a boost to the ego if women receive a drink from someone, even if she’s taken. How is this logical?

11. They should learn your hobbies but you don’t care about theirs

Your partner is required to go see whatever movie you want, but when they want to see something, you suddenly aren’t interested. Or, you force them to start playing a sport with you and refuse to learn how to bake with them.

A relationship is all about the little things. No, it’s not just “a silly hobby,” but something your partner finds joy in doing, and if you love them, you will try to understand it.

You don’t have to go to the gym every day just because your partner loves working out, but if you try the gym, maybe they can try one of your hobbies in return. [Read: Modern dating trends you need to dump immediately]

12. Demanding full disclosure of finances

This is one of the double standards in relationships you see, especially when you’re in a long-term relationship or living together with your partner. One person is required to give full disclosure on their finances, including all the things they spend on.

But on your side, you can lie about it or even hide your spending. You might say that they’re breaking your privacy, but it’s okay if you do this. Not only is this unfair, but it shows the opposite of partnership in relationships. [Read: How to talk about money with your partner without fighting about it]

13. Stonewalling or withdrawing when upset

Stonewalling is one of the worst things in relationships, and it can also be seen as passive-aggressive behavior. Girls tend to be seen as emotional, so stonewalling or withdrawing from conflict is pretty ordinary behavior.

But that doesn’t mean guys can’t do the same. When guys do this, it’s seen as them being a jerk, but it’s okay when girls do this. It’s one of the evident examples of double standards in relationships. [Read: Stonewalling in a relationship – 15 signs & best ways to fix it ASAP]

14. Be angry when needs aren’t met

She will have an outburst of anger and frustration when her needs aren’t being met, but it’s seen as irrational and too sensitive when the guy does this. Men can show their emotions just as much as women do, especially in relationships.

Even if both genders show anger in different ways, men should be able to express their anger when their needs in a relationship aren’t being met by their partner. [Read: How to stop being angry – free your mind and stop hurting yourself]

15. Making decisions and commitments for your relationship

If one person is making decisions and commitments on behalf of their partner, this should go both ways. Unless this is the setup you’ve talked about, making decisions should be something both partners do.

Especially when it comes to making a significant decision that could affect your relationship as a whole, you shouldn’t just assume and make decisions for them. If the girl constantly makes decisions in the relationship, the same should go for the guy.

16. Not being there for each other

Why is it that when he’s not there for her, she automatically feels outraged and disappointed? But when she isn’t there for him, he isn’t entitled to the same frustrations?

As mentioned earlier, if a girl acts something close to emotional and irrational, it’s seen as expected behavior. But when it’s the guy, it’s seen as unusual or odd. This is one of the double standards in relationships you should be wary of. [Read: Hidden signs of a one-sided relationship we all choose to ignore]

17. Unequal gaslighting

Gaslighting should never be used in a relationship, no matter what. But if she gaslights him and uses guilt against him, that’s okay.

But if it’s the guy that does this, it’s seen as toxic and controlling *even when it’s the girl who practically went first*. This is unfair, as why are guys always seen as the enemy when they do this but fail to notice it when girls do it too?

18. Treating each other’s families

This is when you’re overly hospitable with your family and then act like you can’t stand being with their family. Why can’t you treat their family the same way you treat your own? [Read: Meeting your boyfriend’s parents – 23 dos, don’ts & tips to impress them]

19. Managing all the household chores

This is another instance of a relationship using a double standard. One partner is allowed to point out what needs to be done at home, while the other can’t because it’s their “duty” to take care of the house. [Read: How soon is too soon to move in together? 41 signs you’re both ready!]

20. The fight over who needs to watch the kids when you’re both tired

We’re all worn out at the end of the day and just want to unwind and go to bed early. When you have children, however, things don’t work that way.

There’s a double standard at play when one partner expects the other to take on the responsibility of watching the kids. They believe it is because they have performed their duty and deserve a break. [Read: Women who don’t want children – the valid reasons behind their choice]

21. Saying no to sex

For example, a woman is allowed to refuse sex if she’s tired, but if a man does, there will be a problem. He’ll be suspected of having an affair, or his interest in his girlfriend/wife has waned. [Read: 110 MUST-KNOW interesting sex facts, myths & strange secrets about sex!]

22. The privilege of “me” time

The partner who earns more money believes that they’re the one who deserves “me” time. For the other person who’s taking care of the house and the kids, it becomes selfish to have extra time to sleep.

23. You expect your partner to adopt your beliefs, while you would be outraged if they asked you to do the same

Neither of you has the right to demand that the other give up their views in favor of your own if you can’t agree on a significant subject that’s causing you to disagree.

You will sometimes disagree with your partner at least once in your relationship. What counts is how you manage that disagreement out of love and respect for one another. [Read: 54 intimate, deep questions to ask your girlfriend & make her feel understood]

24. You expect your partner to maintain a certain look while you take offense when others expect the same of you

It definitely counts as having a double standard if you demand that your partner appear a specific way while getting mad if you’re demanded to live up to the same standard. It doesn’t matter if you believe you’re simply offering advice. It’s still a double standard.

25. You expect your partner to respond within a few minutes to every text, while you tend to take much longer

You get annoyed when your partner takes over a minute to reply to your text. Yet when they text you, you can wait hours to respond because there isn’t really a sense of urgency. [Read: Texting in the early stages of dating – 24 rules & habits you MUST follow]

26. Number of sexual partners in the past

The unspoken rule that men, but not women, can have several sexual partners is called “double sexual standard.”

Women who disobey this unwritten rule risk being called “sluts” or “easy.” Given that a modern healthy woman has often had several sex partners, the implicit double standard that many still maintain is extremely stressful for women.

27. Your partner can drink and stay out, but you’re not allowed to

A double standard for men is that they can stay out and drink and have a good time, but you cannot do that, because it just doesn’t look right and proper.

How to avoid double standards in relationships

No matter how long you two have been together or what kind of person your partner is, it’s crucial to realize that double standards can manifest in many different ways.

If your partner is applying double standards to your relationship, they might be doing it on purpose, or they might not even be aware of it. Think about it from their perspective. What past or present circumstances could have contributed to their behavior? [Read: Lack of communication in a relationship & why it signals the end]

The best way to avoid conflict and double standards in your relationship is to communicate openly and honestly. You might need to consider different communication styles, strategies, and techniques.

How to deal with double standards in relationships

Depending on the specific double standard you’re experiencing, there are several ways for you to deal with it.

1. Point out examples of double standards in your relationship

Your partner will make an effort to defend themself. They may even assert that your relationship does not include any unfair treatment. Therefore, it’s crucial to have examples prepared for this conversation.

If you can’t have friends of the opposite sex, why is your partner free to make advances toward others? Every weekend, does your partner go out with friends while you’re not allowed to? Do you take care of all the household duties while they merely work during the day?

Have your example ready and stick to your decision to get equal rights in your relationship. [Read: 16 steps to communicate better in a relationship & how to fix a lack of it]

2. Ask your partner to be more aware and stop expecting from you what they won’t do

Make it clear that if they’re going to be in a relationship with you, they need to stop thinking for themself only. Both partners must meet each other halfway and try to understand and sympathize with each other.

Asking questions like “would you do this?” and “why wouldn’t you do this?” may help them realize how unreasonable they’ve been to you. If they truly care about you, they will try to change.

3. Agree to have equal rights and make compromises

Your conversation is not finished until both of you have acknowledged having equal rights. You may have to make some compromises. [Read: Compromise in a relationship – 17 ways to give & not feel like you lost]

For example, instead of forbidding you from doing something, your partner can stop doing it as well. As long as they acknowledge the unfairness in your relationship, it’s not impossible to come to an agreement.

4. Say “no” sometimes

Even though it’s not always that simple, sometimes you just have to say “no” and stick to your choice. You must establish boundaries and be clear about what you will or will not tolerate. Reclaim your independence and express your needs. [Read: How to say no – 15 ways to reason politely, stop pleasing & feel kickass]

5. Talk to a trusted therapist or advisor about your own double standards

If you feel like you cannot deal with this on your own, seek a professional, like a therapist or advisor. You’ll feel much better if you have someone to talk to.

They will tell you what you should do and validate your feelings. You’ll feel a lot better and have more confidence to stand up for yourself.

6. Consider couples therapy to help you both address these in your relationship

Couples therapy is worth the shot if both of you struggle to communicate. It will help you address the double standards in your relationship and make compromises to have a healthier and happier relationship in the long run.

Do you notice double standards in your relationship?

Hopefully, with everything mentioned above, you will have more awareness of what particular double standards are.

If you want to encourage your relationship to thrive, avoid them the best way you can. You might not get it right overnight, but what matters is that you’re trying.

[Read: How to spot gaslighting in a relationship & shut it down for good]

Any double standards in relationships are bad news. So if you’ve spotted some of them in your relationship, put it right and you’re already one step closer to being a perfect couple.