29 Golden Rules of Living With Ex For That Drama-free Set Up

Are you in the process of breaking up with someone you live with? Here are the rules to remember to avoid awkwardness when living with ex.

Breakups suck, but so does being homeless. Due to lack of having a job, making less income, upcoming lease expiry or other complicated reasons, sometimes we must continue living with ex post-breakup.

If you’re thinking: How could I live with my ex? Wouldn’t that be a self-induced hell? Then you’d be right. Living with your ex is no walk in the park, especially if you didn’t want to break up in the first place, if you’ve already found a new mate, or if infidelity was what ended your relationship. Unfortunately, personal circumstances sometimes force uncomfortable living situations post-relationship, but fortunately for you, it can be made bearable.

One of the most important things is to make sure you show respect. This may be difficult, especially if you were burned in the relationship, or if your relationship had already become toxic in some way.

Regardless, you’re now stuck together and the worst thing you could do was make your home a constant battle ground. You broke up, there were hurt feelings, but now it’s over and in a few short weeks, you’ll be out of each other’s hair for good. So how do you do it? [Read: 60 must-knows to end a relationship on good terms & not leave it messy]

So You Broke Up… Now What?

So you and your partner have decided to call it quits, but there’s a twist – you’re still living together. Breaking up is hard enough, and the added challenge of sharing a space with your ex can feel like navigating a maze with no clear exit. [Read: 40 signs to tell if your ex is over you or only pretending to have moved on]

This situation, where exes find themselves still living together, is more common than you might think. Whether it’s financial reasons, lease commitments, or other factors, this living arrangement can be tricky to manage.

When you’re living with an ex, the emotional landscape can be unpredictable, a perfect example of the primary appraisal stage in the Transactional Model of Stress and Coping. One minute you might feel a sense of relief and independence, and the next, you’re hit with a wave of nostalgia or frustration.

This is where you assess the situation as stressful or challenging. Acknowledging this emotional rollercoaster is crucial. It’s normal to experience a range of feelings, and giving yourself permission to feel them is a vital part of moving forward.

As you move to the secondary appraisal stage, you start considering your coping resources and strategies. One of the first steps post-breakup is to establish a new normal. This includes figuring out how to split expenses, deciding who sleeps where, and maybe even setting up a schedule for shared spaces like the kitchen or living room.

It’s not just about creating physical boundaries, but also about managing your emotional response to the situation, like choosing not to discuss certain topics or deciding on rules about bringing new dates home.

Lastly, navigating shared responsibilities becomes a focal point, and this is where problem-focused coping comes into play. Who does the grocery shopping, or who takes out the trash? You might find that the routines you had as a couple don’t work anymore.

It’s a time for recalibration and maybe even a bit of trial and error as you figure out what works best in your new situation as exes who are still living together. [Read: Time management techniques for couples]

How to Handle the Breakup While Still Living Together

When you have no choice but to stick around and endure until your situation allows, here are the rules you need to follow to make your transition from lovers to roomies more bearable.

1. Don’t Make it Weird

We know, how can it *not* be? What we mean is, don’t tiptoe around your ex, if you ever expect to live comfortably during your time together.

Obviously, this experience isn’t going to be something you’d want to repeat, but being insanely polite and walking on eggshells around your former significant other is only going to make matters more awkward. [Read: Bumped into your ex? Super-cool ways to show them YDGAF]

The sooner you get back to lazing on the couch, checking your Instagram while he watches TV, the better. On the other hand, you may find you start to develop a callous hatred for your ex, especially if they are the one who called it quits. If this is the case…

2. Get a Social Life

When you live with your ex, it’s going to seem a lot harder to get over them, especially if you didn’t want the relationship to end in the first place.

This makes it all the more necessary for you to get back out there, maintain a social life, and come back to the conclusion that you kick ass and were likeably charming before your ex was ever attached to your hip. [Read: Most common post-breakup habits to avoid]

3. Expect That Sooner or Later, One of You Will Move On

Even if you’re the one who ended things, it may still come as a shock to you when your ex starts seeing someone new. Even if you didn’t want him anymore, it’s always weird to see your ex with a new lover, plus the fact that he got over you so quickly may start to irk you. Just remember that these are the necessary steps needed for both of you to move on. [Read: Most common post-breakup mistakes you should never do]

4. Make Your Home Neutral Ground

If indeed you have both begun dating again, make it a house rule that no new lover is to come over – ever. If you’re in need of a shag or some snuggle-time, go to your new mate’s house instead.

Ignoring this rule will only bring up hurt feelings and create super awkward situations for everybody involved. [Read: Self love secrets after a break up & ways to raise your broken self-esteem]

5. Set Boundaries

Are you trying to stay friends, or at least pretending to, until one of you can find an apartment? Then it’s important that you set boundaries with each other.

Are you still going to be sharing the same bed? Most would advise against this practice, as physical contact tends to muddle these situations.

Ground rules must be set, such as no more mutual showers, absolutely *no* breakup sex, no getting drunk together, and no romantic movie nights, etc. Remaining buddy-buddy is fine, mature even, but make it clear that continuing any remotely semi-romantic behavior is only going to confuse things, and make your living together that much harder. [Read: 48 must-knows & truths to date your ex again & give love a second chance]

6. Discuss Money Matters Immediately

Now that you’ve decided to live with your former lover, you need to get that awkward money situation out of the way with ASAP. Likely, you already divvied up who pays what when you first moved in together, but you may have been taking some of the extra brunt on account of you loving that person.

Split the bills 50/50, or according to paychecks, and discuss how your grocery situation is going to work. Is he buying his own food? Will you still do communal hauls? Should he stay away from your chip-stash? These are definitely issues that need to be worked out post-breakup.

7. Create Personal Space

In a living situation with your ex, personal space becomes a sanctuary. If possible, rearrange the living quarters so that each of you has a personal area that is solely yours.

This might mean turning a spare room into a bedroom or setting up a space where you can relax alone. Having a place to retreat to when you need privacy or time to process your emotions is crucial. [Read: How to know when to give someone space: Signs they’re sick of you]

8. Develop New Routines

Your old routines as a couple won’t work anymore. Establish new routines that respect each other’s space and schedules.

For example, if you used to have coffee together every morning, consider adjusting your schedule so each has their own time in the kitchen. It’s about finding a rhythm that lets you coexist without constant interaction.

9. Limit Interactions to Essentials

To avoid unnecessary awkwardness, try to limit your interactions to essential communication. This could be about shared bills, house maintenance, or any other practical matter.

Reducing small talk helps in maintaining a more neutral environment and reduces the chances of conflicts.

10. Maintain Respect and Civility

Regardless of the circumstances of your breakup, maintaining a level of respect and civility is key. Let’s be real, there’s a huge chance that one or both of you might harbor some negative feelings toward each other, at least for now. It’s natural, but it’s crucial not to let these emotions dictate your behavior. [Read: Friends with an ex: 56 reasons, signs when it’s okay or not & more secrets!]

Avoid negative talk about each other, both in private and in public. This helps in creating a less charged atmosphere at home and makes living together more bearable. Keeping things respectful and civil can significantly reduce the tension, making this transitional phase easier for both of you.

11. Practice Self-Care

Taking care of your emotional and physical well-being becomes even more essential when you’re still living with an ex. The very fact that you have to share the same space, whatever the reason may be, can be cortisol-inducing, adding an undercurrent of stress to your daily life.

In these circumstances, engaging in activities that you love becomes vital. Whether it’s exercise, meditation, pursuing a new hobby, or just finding time for yourself, it’s important to prioritize self-care.

12. Avoid Bringing Dates Home

Out of respect for each other’s feelings, agree to not bring new romantic interests into the home. Seeing an ex with someone else can be painful and can create an uncomfortable living situation. If you’re dating, it’s better to go out or spend time at your date’s place. [Read: 60 best free date ideas to have a romantic time without spending money]

13. Use Mediation if Necessary

As we mentioned earlier, there’s a huge chance that post-breakup, feelings between you and your ex might be a bit strained, to say the least. And if that’s the case, there’s also a significant chance that you won’t see eye to eye on several matters.

Be it dividing up household chores, handling finances, or deciding who gets to use the living room on Friday nights, disagreements can escalate quickly in an emotionally charged atmosphere. If you find it hard to agree on these things, don’t hesitate to seek mediation.

Bringing in a neutral third party can be a game-changer, helping you navigate through these tough conversations. Mediation can provide the necessary buffer and guidance to resolve issues calmly and constructively, which can be invaluable in such situations.

14. Prepare for the End of the Living Arrangement

Start planning your exit strategy because let’s face it, you don’t plan to live with your ex forever, do you? Whether it’s saving money, looking for a new place, or figuring out logistics, preparing for the time when one of you will move out can provide a sense of direction and hope. [Read: Steps to break up with someone you live with & move out in peace]

15. Seek External Support

Sometimes, talking to friends, family, or a therapist can provide a much-needed outside perspective. They can offer emotional support, practical advice, and a listening ear. Remember, it’s okay to seek help when you’re navigating the complexities of living with an ex.

Bonus Rules: What If You Have Kids?

If you happen to have procreated with your now-ex and are still living together post-breakup, there are a whole new list of rules you should abide by.

1. Reassure Your Children That it Isn’t Their Fault

This one seems like an after-school special, but believe it or not, children of all ages often blame themselves for their parents’ dismal relationship, and retain guilt over this for years.

2. Don’t Fight in Front of the Kids

Easier said than done, I know, but I know plenty of adults whose parents went through a divorce who admit to seeing their parents fighting in front of one another.

Getting the child involved in the drama of the breakup can leave them emotionally scarred in one way or another. [Read: Questions you need to ask before seeking a divorce]

3. Don’t Use Your Children as Leverage

So you’ve left your ex, and you understandably begin a strong dislike of them. Don’t let this cloud your judgement as a parent! Your issues with your ex involve you and you alone, not your children.

There’s no reason to sabotage their relationship with their parent, just because your relationship with him or her is over.

4. Remain United as Parents

Yes, you can’t stand your ex. But it’s important for the emotional wellbeing and growth of your child that he or she still sees you as a united front: as parents who agree and make decisions regarding their children together. [Read: Breakup advice: 22 things to do after a breakup to feel great & hate less!]

Why Exes End Up Living Together

You’d probably imagine that after breaking up, the next logical step is to part ways physically. However, it’s not always packing up and moving out.

Many find themselves in the unexpected scenario of living with an ex for reasons beyond just emotions. Here are ten compelling reasons why exes might still share a living space:

1. Financial Constraints and Housing Affordability

The most common reason is financial practicality. Maintaining separate households can be economically challenging, especially in cities with high living costs. For many, continuing to live with an ex is a financial necessity rather than a choice.

2. Lease Agreements and Legalities

Breaking a lease can be expensive and complicated. Often, exes who are still living together are bound by a lease they both signed, making it difficult for one party to leave without incurring significant costs or legal complications. [Read: Dealing with divorced parents at your wedding]

3. Co-parenting and Child-Related Considerations

For those with children, choosing to live together post-breakup can be a decision made in the children’s best interest. It allows for a stable home environment and consistent parenting, which can be beneficial for the kids’ emotional well-being.

4. Delayed Emotional Detachment or Hope for Reconciliation

Yeah, we said what we said about planning your exit and moving forward, and you know it’s true. But let’s be real for a moment: Sometimes, one or both individuals in this situation aren’t emotionally ready to fully let go. There might be a lingering hope for reconciliation, or at the very least, a real struggle to detach from the intimacy and familiarity that the relationship once offered.

This isn’t uncommon, and it’s a crucial part of the emotional landscape to acknowledge. It’s important to be honest with yourself about these feelings. Recognizing and addressing them can be the key to truly moving on, whether that means rekindling the relationship or finding the strength to finally close this chapter. [Read: 32 truths to emotionally detach from someone & not feel hurt anymore]

5. Social and Communal Ties

Shared social circles and community obligations can make it awkward or challenging to separate completely. Living together can be a way to maintain mutual friendships and community connections without the added strain of explaining a breakup.

6. Logistical Convenience

For some, the logistics of finding a new place, moving out, and setting up a new household are overwhelming. The convenience of maintaining the status quo, despite the changed relationship dynamic, can be a significant factor.

7. Health or Medical Reasons

If one partner is dealing with health issues, the other might stay to provide support and care. This can be particularly true in cases where the illness or condition developed during the relationship.

8. Fear of Change or the Unknown

Facing the unknown taps into a fundamental psychological principle known as the familiarity principle or the mere-exposure effect. This theory suggests that people develop a preference for things merely because they are familiar with them.

In the context of ending a long-term relationship, this preference becomes glaringly evident. The home you shared with your ex, the routines you built together, and the daily interactions, however minor, all become ingrained in your comfort zone.

So, when faced with the prospect of leaving this familiar setting for something new, it’s natural to feel apprehensive.

9. Shared Business or Professional Interests

What’s worse than having a failed relationship? Try mixing in a shared business into the equation. For couples who are also business partners, the stakes are even higher.

It might be more practical to continue living together to manage their shared professional interests effectively, especially if their business is home-based. Imagine having to negotiate who gets the home office each day or synchronize your business calls so they don’t clash.

So, not only are you dealing with the aftermath of a romantic breakup, but you’re also in a situation where your financial well-being could hinge on how well you manage to cohabit and cooperate.

10. Cultural or Family Expectations

In some cases, cultural or family pressures can heavily influence the decision to continue living together post-breakup. There may be stigma or disapproval associated with moving out immediately after a breakup, particularly in certain cultures or traditional family structures. [Read: Cross culture romance: 40 secrets to have a happy intercultural relationship]

This pressure is often amplified when children are involved, as maintaining a semblance of a nuclear family is seen as paramount. Couples may choose to maintain a shared living situation not only for their own appearances but also to provide a stable family environment for their children.

This Phase is Temporary

Living together post-breakup isn’t easy, in fact, it can be downright heart-wrenching, or just plain annoying. Stay calm, cool, collected, and respectful of your former mate, and you’ll be able to keep the upper hand in the situation until you can find your own separate abodes.

Navigating the dynamics of living with an ex requires a blend of emotional intelligence, practical adjustments, and a strong sense of self-awareness. By keeping the focus on mutual respect and clear communication, you can maintain a balanced environment.

[Read: Steps to break up with someone you love & the right things you MUST say]

Remember, this phase is temporary, and with the right approach, living with ex can be a manageable, albeit challenging, chapter in your life’s journey.