26 Sexy Secrets to Be Dominant in Bed, Control Your Partner & Not Hurt Them

If you’re keen to kink things up a little between the sheets, you might be keen to learn how to be dominant in bed. Handily, we have the info!

When it comes to the bedroom and life in general, there’s always someone who’s more dominant than their partner. Now, that’s not a good or bad thing, nor is it about learning how to be dominant in bed or submissive. It’s just something you enjoy, and that’s okay.

Sometimes, you can be dominant in life. However, when it comes to sex, you could be submissive.

Also, your dominance can vary depending on who your partner is. Sometimes if you’re usually dominant in bed, meeting someone who is also dominant makes you more submissive, or… you could turn into a wild beast.

Either way, if sexual dominance is something you’re interested in learning more about, you’ve come to the right place. [Read: Arousing sex fantasies to try in real life]

What is sexual dominance?

In essence, sexual dominance is about being the one in control. In this type of sexual relationship, there is a dominant and a submissive. The submissive will, as the name suggests, submit to the will of the dominant for the sake of pleasure.

Sexual dominance and submission should be consensual agreements between partners that allow both to explore their sexual limits and pleasure in a healthy and safe environment. [Read: How to be kinky – 42 steamy tips to explore sex outside of normal]

Why learning how to be dominant in bed can help your sex life

There are far too many people who are quiet or actually shy in the bedroom. They don’t tell their partner what they want or what feels great to them and they suffer significantly. They don’t get off nearly as often and truthfully, that can be frustrating.

That’s how learning how to be dominant in bed can actually help your sex life. We all know how difficult it can be to open up and talk to someone, so by taking on this dominant persona, you can do it much more easily.

By commanding your partner to do something specific, they’ll not only learn what you like, but you’ll get exactly what you want.

But it’s also about taking on a different character or persona and playing around with the limitations of that. As such, you can learn about new things you like in bed that you never thought of before. [Read: Intense sex – 17 pleasurable ways to make love with real passion]

Things to keep in mind beforehand

Learning how to be dominant in bed needs some careful thought beforehand. So, if you’re thinking about giving it a try, be sure to ponder these points first.

1. Discuss it with your partner first

The thing about learning how to be dominant in bed is that you’re probably not already, meaning your partner could be in for a huge shock when you decide to get demanding. For that reason, you should probably discuss it a little first.

Before deciding how far you want to take your dominant behavior, figure out if your partner is up for it. Mention it briefly and see if they’d be comfortable with the idea. [Read: How to talk about sex without sounding like a pervert]

2. Start slowly and work your way up

Don’t just walk into the bedroom cracking whips right off the bat. Take your time and begin with something a little more subtle.

Moving your partner’s hands to where you want them and whispering sexily in their ear is a great place to start.

3. Only do what you’re comfortable with

Don’t start throwing out phrases that you looked up on the Internet. That’s just not the way to be dominant in bed. Only go as far as you’re comfortable.

If you really feel awkward while commanding your significant other, it’ll be obvious and much less effective. [Read: Tips to help you open up about your kinky side]

How not to cross any boundaries

There are different levels of dominance and it’s important that you’re both comfortable with the level you’re at and that you don’t go further than either of you are comfortable with. So, how can you make sure that you don’t cross any boundaries?

A good place to start is a conversation. Talk about dominance and what it means to you both. Set expectations on both sides beforehand and any limitations that you want to put forward. It goes without saying that these should ALWAYS be respected.

It’s a good idea to come up with a safe word too. Then, if either of you feels uncomfortable at any point and wants to stop, you just say it and everything stops.

Regular communication is also key. [Read: 42 secrets to communicate better in a relationship and ways to fix a lack of it]

How to be dominant in bed

If you’ve read so far and you’re curious, it’s time you learned how to be dominant in bed.  

Because someone has to be it… so, why not you?

1. Do it because you want to

If you’re really not comfortable with being a dom, then don’t do it. If you’re curious, then we think you should give it a try.

But, at the end of the day, you really should want to do it for yourself and not your partner. [Read: 25 femdom secrets to be a dominatrix mistress and dominate a man in bed]

2. Know how far your partner is willing to go

You need to sit down before having sex and figure out what you’re both comfortable with. How far is your partner willing to go, and how far are you willing to go? These are two very important questions that need to be answered before doing anything.

3. Three levels of dominance

There are three levels of dominance. Now, depending on what you and your partner decide on, you’ll start on either gentle, moderate, or aggressive dominance.

You don’t need to start off with aggressive dominance, you can start off gently and work your way up. [Read: BDSM tips and tricks for curious first timers]

a. Gentle

If you are completely new and don’t yet know how to be dominant, then start off with gentle dominance. You don’t need to start off with handcuffs right away. This will give you some time to feel out what you’re interested in.

Being gentle means talking dirty, pushing your partner against the wall, hair pulling, and manhandling.

b. Moderate

Moderate dominance is fun; this is what most people desire when being dominated for the first time. This type of dominance entails spanking, biting, handcuffs, being denied orgasms, and hot lube.

Most people engage in moderate dominance, so your partner may be experienced up to this point. Which is good because they’ll be able to teach you the ropes—no pun intended. [Read: “Facts” you think you know about BDSM debunked]

c. Aggressive

This is really about being dominant and aggressive in the bedroom. Aggressive dominance means BDSM, choking, degradation, and gagging. You won’t be able to reach this level right away, this really takes some time to understand what you like and don’t like.

We wouldn’t recommend this right away unless you’ve been fantasizing about it heavily. Also, it may not be something either of you ever want to try, and that’s okay.

4. It takes time to develop dominance

Listen, learning how to be dominant may be something completely new for you, so don’t expect to be the ultimate dominatrix in two days. This takes time and experience.

Don’t put any pressure on yourself to perform. Just take your time and go with the flow. [Read: From Red Room to real world – BDSM in your boudior]

5. Have a safe word

You’re going to need a safe word. Not just for your partner, but for yourself as well. Make sure that the safe word isn’t a word that can easily be said during sex. For example, don’t make your safe word “cock.”

Please don’t. Make it something like pineapple or cabbage. Unless you’ll be using those in bed, then pick a different word.

6. Wear what makes you feel dominant

You don’t need to wear strapless pants or a choker in order to be dominant. You can be equally as dominant while being completely naked as well. All you should worry about wearing is something that makes you feel sexy, confident, and dominant.

If you feel these things while wearing an apron, then wear it. What’s important is that you feel free in what you’re wearing. [Read: Couples kink list – 52 freaky and weird sexual fetishes many people indulge in]

7. Communicate

When you’re learning how to be dominant in bed, you need to learn communication. You have to be communicative with your partner.

This means you need to make sure that they’re comfortable and getting what they want out of the experience. At the same time, you need to make sure your needs are also being met too.

8. More doesn’t mean better

People always think that the more you do in bed, the better the sex will be. But that isn’t true. Being dominant doesn’t mean you have to dress in black latex and drip candle wax on your partner’s back.

Well, you can do that; that’s not a bad thing. However, if that’s too extreme for you, it’s okay. There’s no right or wrong way to dominate someone. It’s purely based on what makes you both feel good. [Read: How to lead in bed and command your way to absolute pleasure]

9. Use everything

To be dominant you can use almost anything—sex toys, candles, whips, rope, fruit—whatever you want. Of course, you need to make sure that your partner agrees to it. But if they do, well then, don’t hold back.

10. Learn what you like first

You can’t really tell your partner to do something if you’re not sure how it feels, can you? Our advice would be to get busy with yourself and find out what feels best.

Then you can direct your significant other in bed much more accurately. [Read: 37 health benefits of masturbation, bad side effects, and other must-knows]

11. Have confidence

If you really want to know how to be dominant in bed, you have to increase your level of confidence. You need to be certain about what you say. Otherwise, it can come across as awkward and won’t have the desired effect.

AKA, you won’t feel the pleasure you want.

12. Start in the foreplay

The best way to show your dominance is from the start of your sexcapades. Get bossy right away during foreplay. Make sure your partner knows what you want right off the bat and you’ll feel that pleasure intensify as you get more involved.

This also sets the tone for the rest of your bang session. [Read: Sexual foreplay – 26 lusty secrets to do it well and make them hot and horny]

13. If you’re too shy to talk, guide them with your hands

Don’t worry about being shy. If you’re not comfortable with being verbally demanding just yet, then get physically demanding. Take your significant other’s hands and guide them where you want them.

You can still be demanding in the bedroom even if you’re silent.

14. Start by being verbal about what feels good

Another way to ease into your demands is to start out by telling them when you like something.

Make sure they know they’re doing the right thing when they are. Something as simple as, “that feels good, keep going,” is more than enough to get them in the right direction while still being dominant. [Read: 78 sexy, dirty, wild things to say in bed and make them horny during sex]

15. Whisper in their ear what you want

Want to learn how to be dominant in bed? Get close to their ear and sexily whisper what you want from them. You can use this in combination with telling them what feels good.

Lean in close and whisper something like, “I love it when you touch me there. Do it again.” Dominant, yet subtle.

16. Start commanding them

If all is going well for you, then start demanding what you want. Tell them what to do and be assertive.

This type of dominance can be a lot if you’re not used to it. So ease into it and make sure they’re happy with what you’re doing too. [Read: 25 BDSM songs – the best music with a sexy dungeon theme]

17. Gauge how they’re taking it

It’s important to remember that your partner may not understand your dominance at first. They could take it as negative feedback about their ability to please you. So gauge how they’re feeling when you start and work up from there.

18. Get comfortable with your dominance

We understand that it can be a little odd commanding your partner to do something, but you have to get used to it.

If you really want to make it worth your while, you need to feel great about doing it. So practice it often! You can even start being dominant out of the bedroom if that helps when you get down to business. [Read: 55 secrets and self-love habits to build confidence and realize your worth]

19. Let them know they’re doing the right thing

Some people can be a little too demanding in the bedroom and that can be discouraging to their partner. Just because you’re bossing your partner around doesn’t mean you can’t be encouraging at the same time.

Let them know if they’re doing exactly what you want so they can get that boost of confidence.

20. Maintain eye contact

Eye contact is extremely powerful and when you do it with that stern dominant look and some strong words, it will have a huge impression on your partner.

Of course, eye contact doesn’t mean staring! You can look away occasionally. Getting that balance right is key to knowing how to be dominant in bed, so start practicing.

21. Try hair pulling

One of the easiest ways to try dominance is with hair pulling. Don’t yank their hair as that’s nothing short of eye-waveringly painful, but a tug while you’re in the middle of the deed can be extremely sexy.

22. Give honorifics a go

This means they will call you ‘sir,’ ‘madam,’ or whatever else you want to be called. However, it’s normally a title of rank and importance. Some people find it useful to have a title like this when they’re in dominant mode because it helps them ‘snap’ out of their regular persona.

23. Talk dirty

Don’t be afraid to be as dirty as you like, as long as it doesn’t cause your partner to feel upset. Talking dirty is one of the mainstays of dominance and it pushes the boundaries a little past regular sexual encounters.

Of course, not everyone is that comfortable with it, so work your way up slowly. You could even practice in the mirror! [Read: How to dirty talk – 36 sexy tips and 55 examples to turn anyone on with words]

24. Use your body weight

If you’re not into bondage or it’s not something your partner wants to try, you could use your body weight as an alternative.

This is less restrictive because it doesn’t feel quite as helpless as being tied up with handcuffs, etc. Yet, it still gives the same kind of effect. [Read: How to open up about sex and get your partner to share their desires]

25. Don’t abuse the dynamic

Remember, this is a sexual experience you share with your partner within a loving relationship. Don’t use it as a reason to manipulate or an excuse to make them feel bad. Doing so is simply abusing the dynamic and abusing your partner’s trust.

26. Don’t forget aftercare

It’s important to cuddle and show affection to your partner after a stint of bedroom dominance. The experience can often be powerful and a little aftercare helps soothe and bring everything back to normal. You could also massage your partner if they’ve been in handcuffs and their arms are sore, etc.

This is also a good opportunity to check in with each other and learn if you both enjoyed it and if you want to try it again, or not. [Read: How to have the best sex of your life with 15 easy bedroom rules]

You’ll never know unless you try

Dominance is something that you’ll probably not know if you like or not until you give it a go. It can be a really fun way to explore your sexual preferences, but it’s also not for everyone.

Talk to your partner and see if it’s something they’d like to try with you. At the end of the day, sex is supposed to be fun, and if you’re both keen to mix things up, it’s a great place to start!

[Read: How to have rough sex and 15 dirty moves to have the sexiest time ever]

Now that you know how to be dominant in bed, it’s time you tried it out. Have fun with it. We know it sounds like a serious role to play, but sex is about having fun… so relax.