25 Femdom Secrets to Be a Dominatrix Mistress & Dominate a Man in Bed

Most women secretly want to learn how to be a dominatrix but are worried about admitting it. Don’t be! Learn how to dominate a man in bed and enjoy it!

We’ve all seen the movie where there’s a hot chick dressed in leather with a whip dangling in her hand. She’s a dominatrix, and if men weren’t turned on, they wouldn’t be making films about it, right? Believe it or not, we all have a dominating side to us, but maybe you need to hone your skills and learn how to be a dominatrix for real.

A dominatrix takes a leading and dominant role in a sexual encounter. As a dominatrix, your partner is the sub *or submissive*, who agrees to comply with all your rules and wishes. 

However, learning how to be a dominatrix also has its share of expectations and responsibilities, especially since you are the one who is in full control of the relationship. [Read: How to be dominant in bed and command your way to ultimate pleasure]

How to be a dominatrix and conquer your partner in the bedroom

Aside from being confident and assertive, there are other things you need to learn when it comes to how to dominate a man in bed.

You don’t have to turn off your usual personality and assume the role of a fearful dominatrix, you just need a few handy tips to merge the two together.

1. Do your homework

In order to know how to be a dominatrix, you need to know what it is all about. After all, there really is more to it than just wearing leather and holding a whip. Being a dominatrix doesn’t just mean you inflict physical pain on your partner.

Your domination can be verbal, psychological, sexual, or in the form of servitude. You can assert your dominance by means of psychological and physical stimulations, and you should brush up on how to perform both. That’s how you learn how to dominate a man in bed. [Read: Dominant girlfriend – The pros and cons of dating a woman in control and how to handle it]

2. Get in the mood

Pain is pleasure, and pleasure is pain. This is one of the most basic things you have to learn about the BDSM culture.

The core of being a dominatrix is being able to inflict pain in a way that arouses your partner, and at the same time, gives pleasure to the point of pain. These two things should complement each other for a greater experience. [Read: BDSM tips and tricks for curious first timers]

3. Find inspiration

During your research into the world of BDSM, find some notable dominatrix inspirations. Pop culture and the media have a wide array of dominatrix personas and characters to keep you inspired and get you into character. When learning how to dominate a man in bed, having a muse can sometimes help.

4. Communication

Though you have to look and act the part, that doesn’t mean you should completely disregard your submissive partner. You have to constantly be sensitive to his or her needs.

Always keep a keen eye on your partner’s body language. Look into their eyes, see if they stiffen or cry out in pain, as they may not be enjoying the play.

If that’s the case, pull back. [Read: Communication exercises for couples – Easy games to be a better lover]

5. Have a safe word

This brings us to the matter of safety. Being a dominatrix, you may have your partner gagged, bound, or held under your weight – and you may not easily see what their body language shows.

Therefore, it helps to have a defined safe word that you and your partner will use throughout your play in order to keep yourselves safe. When learning how to dominate a man in bed, safety is everything. [Read: “Facts” you think you know about BDSM debunked]

6. Choose your title

Decide what you want to be called when you are learning how to be a dominatrix. Your title is important to your role and the whole setup, as it effectively supplements the atmosphere you want.

You can choose from the following titles: Mistress, Ma’am, Goddess, Lady, Madame, and Queen, or you can choose something else entirely.

7. Choose your attire

You have to dress the part. And honestly, having the right getup can easily make you feel like you already know how to be a dominatrix.

Invest in some leather and latex, like a full-bodied catsuit, a corset, some sexy stockings, gloves, and thigh-high boots. [Read: How to dress for sex – Secrets to look sexier for your man and arouse him]

8. Brush up on your confidence and assertiveness

While you have all the leather and latex trappings to make even a professional dominatrix proud, at the end of the day, learning how to dominate a man in bed all comes down to confidence.

You have to be self-aware, assertive, and clear about what you want and don’t want. [Read: From red room to real world – BDSM in your boudoir]

9. Understand bondage

Since bondage is also common in BDSM, as a dominatrix, you should know how to properly tie or gag someone. This ensures that your play stays consistent, and that you are both safe and enjoying your time.

10. Shop for some props

It also helps to invest in the right props that will not just help set the mood, but also sustain it throughout your play. There is plenty of choice available in regular and online stores.

As a dominatrix, you can start with cuffs and at least one impact toy, such as a whip, cane, or paddle. You can also get yourself dildos to further heighten your sexual play—and don’t forget the lube! [Read: 50 Shades of Grey – a new frontier in kink on film?]

11. Set the rules

A good dominatrix sets the rules from the get-go and makes sure that these rules are strictly observed. Meanwhile, your submissive partner will be glad to see these rules are followed to the T. Here are some examples:

a. When they can speak

This is part of the power and control aspect of being a dominatrix. Often, instead of gagging, submissives are merely told that they are not allowed to speak or even make a sound, even in pain.

It’s part of the pleasure to finally be allowed to talk. [Read: How to talk dirty and turn your lover on like no-one else can]

b. What to say

When they can finally talk, you can also control what they are allowed to say. Whether you’re acting out a fantasy or upping the intensity of your game, controlling what your partner says helps promote your dominant role and directs the course of the sexual play.

c. What to do

The power to dictate what your submissive can and can’t do is also part of the power dynamic.

You can tell your partner to kiss or touch you on certain parts of your body, but they are restricted from other parts. Just make sure that you both consent to what is and isn’t allowed before your play begins. [Read: 25 sexiest dirty talk lines to make anyone horny with your words]

12. Role play

Role playing also helps take things to another exciting and arousing level. It is a way for you and your partner to let out your creativity as well as inject some fun into the whole dynamic.

For instance, you can play queen while your partner plays subject, boss and employee, as well as teacher and student. There are also sexy costumes for these role plays that will put you both in the mood. [Read: 15 effortlessly sexy role playing ideas for the shy]

13. Punishment

When learning how to be a dominatrix, one of the things you need to do is institute punishments when your partner breaks rules during play.

Beyond the “You’ve been a very bad boy,” which is almost a cliché, there are other ways to punish like a real mean dominatrix. You can remove one of their senses, such as their sense of sight by blindfolding, or sense of touch by binding their hands. [Read: 50 shades of dangerous sex – the right way to get risque]

14. Reward

Also, part of the dominatrix-submissive dynamic is to hand out rewards. You have to prepare certain rewards for obeying you or for “behaving.” Aphrodisiac foods for them to nibble on are good examples.

When learning how to dominate a man in bed, it’s not all about pleasure and pain, you can connect back to that loving side too – but only just.

15. Have a plan of action

Preparing how you will conduct your sensual play and what your roles will be is also like preparing to host a party. You have to set a date and time, plan the venue, and set up the place with décor, props, and furniture if necessary.

It might not seem sexy to do this, but BDSM needs careful planning to get it right. [Read: 50 kinky ideas for a sexy relationship]

16. Always remember to be safe

Before play, you and your partner should set boundaries you’re both comfortable with, as well as ground rules for safety.

We mentioned a safe word but throughout the whole scenario, you and your partner should also observe safety by keeping an eye on things and reading each other’s reactions.

17. Take a class

For first-timers venturing into learning how to be a dominatrix, it is best to take a class to find out the best and safest practices in BDSM. A class will also teach you sanitation and safety when it comes to props and toys.

You can check online, or you can go to your local sex or adult toy shop to see if they offer sex-positive classes. [Read: How to be a freak in the sheets without being creepy]

18. Don’t force it

If your boyfriend is telling you that he’d like you to be dominant, but you hesitate to give it a try, just relax. You don’t need to do it. If you feel like you’re being forced into doing this, and you have no actual desire to do it, then don’t.

If you’re just scared, well, then that’s a different story. [Read: How to turn your man on – 20 ways to get him seriously hot]

19. Remember that the dominatrix is all in the mind

If this is your first time being dominant, it’s something new. Of course, you’re going to be scared. But, you should know this is all in your mind.

Being dominating is physical, but it’s more mental. You develop confidence when you become more comfortable and relaxed in your position.

20. Tell, don’t ask

If you want to be dominating, you’re going to have to be bossy. Don’t ask him how he’s feeling or if he likes it—he’ll tell you. Your job is not to cater to him, but to cater to your own needs.

You need to keep that in mind, it’s all about you. So, no asking, plenty of telling! [Read: What kind of bossy woman are you?]

21. Don’t be afraid to get rough

If you already discussed what the boundaries are and have agreed on a safe word, then you’re all good. Until he screams out the safe word, don’t be afraid to get rough and dirty.

Bite him, lick him, pull his hair—take control and be exactly what you wanted to be – dominant.

22. Make him beg

He deserves you when you say he does. Make him beg for your pussy. Is it mean? Nah, it’s all a part of playing the dominant one.

Because he’s your submissive, you have complete control. So, make him sweat and work for your pussy. [Read: Master-slave relationships – How to set the rules and follow them]

23. Have him worship you

If you want to truly dominate him, make him worship you. You are the queen and at this moment, he does what you say. You can make him do non-sexual activities like cook you dinner or give you a back massage.

In return, you reward him however you wish.

24. Touch yourself in front of him

But don’t allow him to touch you. He only watches. You can also prohibit him from touching himself. He just has to sit and take it.

If he doesn’t do what he’s told, you’ll spank him or tie him up.

25. Know his fantasies beforehand

What’s his biggest fantasy? Does he want to be spanked? Whipped? Anal? What is his ultimate turn-on?

You can use his fantasies and fetishes to turn him on. You can also make him do things to you if he wants his fantasies fulfilled. See how this works? [Read: What is pegging? All the backdoor facts to get you started]

The key to the BDSM lifestyle is trust

Whether you’re trying this out once or you intend to make it a common part of your sex life, make sure that you both trust each other implicitly. That’s what makes the whole dom-sub lifestyle so sexually satisfying – you can totally let go with no fear.

You want to be able to be relaxed and comfortable while doing this, so make sure you communicate! Know that since it’s new and you’re learning the ropes, there are going to be awkward moments which you’ll want to be able to laugh at with your partner.

[Read: Aggressive sex – 14 wild ways to do it right if you like it rough]

Finally, when learning how to be a dominatrix, remember that it is more than just ordering your partner around. You have to take control while still being respectful. Make sure you always have safety and consent in mind in order to enjoy the whole experience.