18 Secrets to Relax During Sex, Free Your Mind & Enjoy a Blissful Orgasm

What’s the point of having sex if you’re not even able to enjoy it? It’s time you taught yourself how to relax during sex and be in the moment.

The jiggling thighs, your cum face, the awkward queefs, we’ve all been there. But who said sex was supposed to be something from a Hollywood movie? It’s not. Sex is about two people sharing each other’s bodies with one another. What does that mean? Well, it’s easy to understand how to relax during sex if you realize that sex is supposed to have awkward moments, funny moments, and sensual moments – all wrapped up together.

If you’re spending more time worrying about how you look while you’re on top of your partner, then you’re not having sex the right way. Not that there isn’t a right way to have sex, but if you’re tense, that’s not helping the experience.

No one remembers the times when the sex was mediocre. They only remember the times when they felt free and had their brains blown away. [Read: How to make sex way better – 20 mind tricks to enjoy it like never before]

How to relax during sex – Free your mind and enjoy your orgasms

It’s quite common and equally frustrating when you’re trying to appreciate a sensual moment, but your mind can’t fully focus thanks to rushing thoughts circling around in your head!

This might be due to personal stress and worry, inexperience, self-esteem issues, performance anxiety, trauma, or plain boredom.

Whatever the cause, we’re here to help you rediscover the joy of sex. So take it easy, since here are some of the finest tips you can use to relax during sex. 

1. Know that it’s all in your head

Though sex is physical, it’s more mental than anything. If you’re not having an orgasm, it’s not so much physical as it is mental. You need to understand that only your mind is blocking you from fulfilling your sexual desires.

You must exercise mindfulness to clear your mind of all the stray thoughts. This entails quieting the damaging and distracting voices in your mind so you can fully immerse yourself in the senses and experiences.

To do this, you must adjust your perspective from trying to look good and reaching an orgasm, to focusing more on the sensations and feelings at that moment. [Read: How to prepare for sex – 20 things you must do to enjoy it way more]

2. Lower your expectations

No, we’re not talking about your partner; we’re talking about you. Lower your expectations for yourself if you want to relax before and during sex. You don’t have to look like a pornstar and go through every pose from the book of Kama Sutra to please a guy.

Men aren’t the only ones who experience performance worries. Women are often concerned about not “finishing” quickly enough, comparing themselves to other girls, or being sexy enough. Nothing kills the mood like self-criticism.

If this is the case, it is necessary to talk to your partner about your feelings and concerns. Just work on baby steps. If you’re uncomfortable with being naked in front of someone, just letting that person touch and kiss your body is a huge step. So, don’t be so hard on yourself. [Read: How to not be nervous before having sex with someone and just enjoy it]

3. Pleasure yourself in your own time

If you’re nervous when having sex with someone, then you should invest more time masturbating on your own. Learn what makes you orgasm and what thoughts turn you on. Then when it’s time to have sex with someone, you won’t be so nervous about that aspect, because you know exactly what you like.

Explore your body as if you’ve never touched yourself before, we mean everywhere, even areas you don’t consider sexual. Take note of the sensation as you move your hands over different body areas. Observe your breath going in and out. As you discover your body, be mindful of all your sensations, good and unpleasant.

Take note of how it feels both physically and emotionally to be so present with oneself. Resist the impulse to rush to orgasm. If you do get there, try to stay in your body, focusing on how you feel as you go. [Read: How to masturbate – 14 sexy self-pleasure tips to discover yourself]

4. Why can’t you relax during sex?

You might be already aware of what’s affecting your sex life, but the question is why, and what you can do about it. Putting your concerns to writing is an excellent way to go deeper into the issue and possibly find a solution. These feelings might have just started, or you’ve been dealing with them since the beginning.

The important thing to remember is, that it’s not your fault, there are many contributing factors. Antidepressants and other medications can influence your sex drive, and mental health issues can affect how your brain perceives scenarios. [Read: 20 sexual problems in a relationship you can easily avoid]

If you believe this is becoming a problem, it is always a good idea to see your doctor, who can assist and advise you on the best course of action.

If this has an impact on your sex life with your lover, talk to them about it. Another alternative is to talk to a friend or a sex therapist. [Read: How to get a shy girl to relax and open up in bed]

5. You need to invest time in sex

There’s nothing wrong with having a quickie; however, if you want to understand how to relax during sex, you must devote some time to it. Your lover, just like you, should explore your body and identify what feels good. Just go at your own pace; you might both find something that truly hits the spot.

Don’t rush to the finish line since it will benefit no one. Allow yourself as much time as you need. You will eventually relax and enjoy this experience. [Read: What is foreplay? 17 super moves to slow down and make anyone hot and horny]

6. Keep open communication

Talking to your partner about what you enjoy does two things. It helps you focus on what’s going on, and it helps you inform your partner about what’s feeling good.

Don’t be hesitant to ask for what you want, such as “touch me here,” or guide your partner where it feels good.

Try not to be overly critical of your partner, by focusing on what they aren’t doing or doing incorrectly. Vaginas are delicate and sensitive little things that frequently perplex guys, so encourage him a bit and help him out. [Read: What does a vagina feel like? 35 pussy facts and descriptions from men]

If you’re not sure how to ask for what you want, try expressing it out loud while you’re alone, or show them an example you found on the internet. Communication is essential for not only good sex but also for you to relax and be present. [Read: Sex with a new partner – How to start your adventures with a bang]

7. Remind yourself of who you’re having sex with

This person wants to have sex with you because they find you sexually attractive and desirable. Now, they could be a one-night stand or a long-term partner, but the point is, they chose to have sex with you.

There’s no need to worry about the little imperfections you think you have because, chances are, he’s not even thinking about that. Once nude, the attention is on the pleasure of the deed. [Read: How to feel more confident in your body and fall in love with the sexy YOU]

8. Don’t spectate, participate

Has someone ever gone down on you, but your mind is filled with too many overlapping thoughts? What do I taste like? What should I cook for dinner? Isn’t his jaw getting sore? Why haven’t I reached this climax yet? Will I ever be able to? Should I just fake it to speed things up?

Well, you’re not alone, in fact, there’s a name for this. It’s called ‘spectatoring’ and was studied by sex researchers in the ’60s, known as Masters and Johnson.

Spectating essentially is is the total opposite of being “in the moment” during sex. You are so preoccupied with dissecting the event and criticizing yourself, that you are unable to enjoy the sex fully. [Read: Sex buzzkill and 23 remarks that instantly ruin the mood while having sex]

9. Be in the moment

Your mind is going to wander at some point, but that’s okay. What you need to do is try to be as much in the moment as possible.

Just focus on any good feelings you experience during the moment and not on reaching a mind-blowing orgasm. If you’re too focused on achieving an orgasm, you’re probably not giving yourself enough mental space to enjoy yourself.

When your thoughts wander into the spectator area, consider shifting into your sexy, seductive mode. You can try concentrating on your partner’s enjoyment or on your own, or you can alternate between the two. [Read: How to be present – The guide to finding your zone of calm perfection]

10. Do what you like to do in bed

If you like to masturbate, then masturbate in front of your partner. If you’re into choking, then choke or get choked *if your partner is okay with it*. Or you may prefer a more gentle and loving experience, everyone’s different. I

f you want to know how to relax during sex, then you should focus on doing things that feel comfortable to you.

What you prefer in the bedroom might be as basic as “I like delicate kisses” or “I like to snuggle after sex.” It’s also worth noting that the things you enjoy about sex don’t have to be super kinky or euphoric. Eventually, you can expand your sexual repertoire at some point, but there’s no rush. [Read: How to be good at sex – 17 moves to become the hottest lay]

11. Foreplay

Would you go down a waterslide without the water? Didn’t think so. So many people skip the foreplay and head right into the penetration.

That’s fine if you have limited time, but honestly, foreplay is so important for the experience. It’s a great way to relax your mind and become aware of yourself and your partner’s body.

However, be certain that you are not the only one providing it all! It must be reciprocated! When he’s pleasing you and your mind wander or you find yourself being too critical of yourself, try telling yourself, “all I must do right now is enjoy” or “I give myself permission to be the focus of attention.”

You may even try just concentrating on the sensations. Visualize your partner’s tongue and lips whirling over your labia and clitoris. Try to determine exactly where on your body that feels amazing. [Read: 24 sex tips and secrets for men to make any woman wet and want more]

12. It’s okay to say no

We’re taught from an early age that men have an insatiable need for sex and that women must be wary not to lead them on, or that it’s their fault for being a tease, even when sex hasn’t even been mentioned!

Listen, you’re well within your right to say no to sex or anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. “No” to sex does not imply “never.” It might indicate “not right now,” “I’m not ready yet,” “I’m tired,” “I’m not sure I trust you yet,” and so on.

Saying “no” might elicit a mixture of emotions and negative reactions, but there is no need to continue having undesired sex! 

Saying no to sex doesn’t mean you’re a prude or that you don’t like sex. Saying no to unwanted sexual advances allows you to practice advocating for yourself. [Read: How to say no – 15 ways to reason politely]

13. Do not be shy about fantasizing

You’re probably not going to be focused the entire time you have sex. After a while, your mind starts to wander, and that’s okay; you’re only human.

So, instead of having your mind focused on how your face looks or what your body looks like right now, fantasize about something. it’s okay to think about a hot celebrity, or doing it on a beautiful beach. That way, your mind is wandering towards thoughts that are potentially positive for your sexual experience. [Read: How to fantasize about someone or something else and not feel guilty]

14. Don’t pay attention to society

Society’s attitude to sex is ever-changing, it has been normalized a lot, and people aren’t scared of talking about it anymore, and that’s great! Although, the thought of sex, as well as the normality of sexualized imagery in the media, might put some of us under pressure to have it, and do it in a certain way.

Other factors could include a stricter upbringing when the conversation about sex is strictly forbidden. The lack of sex education, and the feeling of shame around the subject, can give people a warped idea of sex entirely. [Read: Sex-positive moment – What it is and what we wrongly assume about it]

15. Don’t compare yourself to porn

If you’ve ever watched porn, you’ve probably noticed the girls have big boobs, flat stomachs, and smooth, tidy little vaginas. Unfortunately, porn is targeted more toward the male gaze and doesn’t represent what a real woman looks or acts like during sex.

Porn can be great for finding out what you’re into, and there’s no shame in watching it. But just remember, it’s not a real representation of normal sex. [Read: 25 most common porn myths that people still believe]

16. Laugh at those awkward moments

No one makes it through life being 100% serious. You need to learn how to laugh at yourself and move past those awkward or slightly cringe-worthy moments. Sometimes there are going to be some funny noises, awkward leg cramps, and head bumps along the way, but that’s part of the fun.

Sex isn’t in some rule book that you have to religiously follow. That’s what is so beautiful about it. There is no wrong way, so loosen up… literately. [Read: Queef and more – 19 awkward things that can go wrong during sex]

17. Set the mood properly

If you find it hard to relax during sex, try to pick the right environment and time. Maybe you feel more comfortable in your own house, so ensure the room is nice and clean, light a scented candle, and play some of your favorite music.

Providing you have time, pamper yourself with a nice self-care routine, have a shower, and moisturize so you feel clean and ready, and perhaps you can try on something that makes you feel sexy, like some lingerie. [Read: Passionate lovemaking – All the sexy secrets you need to know]

18. Talk to your partner

If you want to feel relaxed in bed, never cover up the fact that you’re uncomfortable during sex. It will feel much better to talk to someone, no matter how embarrassed you are.

It may be helpful to discuss your worries or anything you believe is affecting your sex life with your partner, especially if you have been avoiding sex. This will help them understand what you’re going through, allowing you to go through it together.

The more mutual clarity and communication on the matter, the easier it will be for you to work on this together.

[Read: 19 secrets to open up to someone you’re dating even if you’re scared]

Now that you know how to relax during sex, you’re going to have to put it into practice. So, follow these tips, and we can assure you that you’ll be having the sex you deserve in no time.